...is not exactly what I expected it to be.

And for the record I'm not talking about the view shown here; that one is beautiful. I'm talking about the view from this place in my life, it isn't exactly what I once thought it would be.

Did you ever think about the kind of mother, grandmother, dad or grandpa you were going to be, long before it was actually time for it to happen? I did. I'm a thinker, a dreamer....I have always loved other people's kids -- I have infinite patience with them, so I once thought I would be a really good mom.

Only I wasn't. Oh, I kept my kids safe, clean, fed, and attempted to teach them what I thought they needed to know, but I missed a lot of live-in-the-moment opportunities. I think I knew it too, at the time, but I couldn't stop myself. The to do list in my head was way too long, the responsibility to achieve, to make myself useful too ingrained.

As a young mother I felt the guilt of knowing I wasn't taking enough time to enjoy my kids. I realize now I spent way too much time doing the unimportant things, like keeping my house clean, sending out Christmas cards, or doing what I thought I needed to do look like I was on top of it all. (Homemade cookies for the boys' birthday treats, handmade gifts for teachers, whatever it was I thought people expected of me). I felt shame when I lost my temper, or rushed through bedtime stories, or listened to my boys with only one ear while I was intently focused on accomplishing  <something>, anything to prove my worth and my value to others.

But I powered on through my life hoping to make up for my mistakes one day -- when I was a grandma I was going to be awesome. My biggest fear was  that my boys would move away and I wouldn't be able to see my grand kids often enough. I wanted that second chance to do it right.

I would do it all differently,  I would appreciate every moment, read the books slowly so I could savor every minute of the snuggly cuddle and relish every sloppy kiss. I vowed not to care about spills or messes, instead I planned to enjoy my grand kids' uniqueness and quirky personalities. I loved the thought that I could have f-u-n with them and not have to feel the weight of responsibility of trying to teach them all that they needed to know to succeed in life. 

I hoped that while I never really shined at mothering, grand mothering would be my thing. I could dote, spoil, play, enjoy ---on my time, and then send them back home when I needed to. I would be a great grandma.

I never dreamed I'd be a grandma who didn't even know her grandson. But this is where I learned someone had another plan for me.

Because I AM a grandma, but I've never met my grandson. My grand baby is just over three months old now. He doesn't know me. Or my family (yet) because he was given up for adoption. A difficult decision, but not mine to make. I am glad it wasn't up to me, it takes a lot of courage to let go and I am not sure I would have been able to make that selfless decision, which was in the best interest of the baby.

I hear he has loving parents; I pray they think he is the greatest thing ever. I'll bet he also has loving grandparents who take time to savor the little moments with him.

The ultimate irony, right? Never put off the present moment for some time in the future because it may never actually come. And if it does, it may not be what you anticipated. It just isn't the way I saw it all happening, without me in it.

This grandma won't be savoring any snuggles, cuddles, stories, or little moments any time soon. I will be lucky if I get to meet him at all.

If I needed proof that the control I clung to for most of my life was a big fat waste of time; this is it. It is a perfect reminder to enjoy what is right in front of you, when it is right in front of you. Or you may never get another chance.

I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, and the view from here is one I needed to experience, even if it sucks, even if I don't yet understand it. 

Despite my valiant efforts to do so, I have come to recognize that clarity cannot be forced.

While 2013 was a year of incredible personal growth for me, punctuated by several aha moments and many life changing lessons, I still find myself wishing I could see my future. I've always looked ahead, honestly for a long time I knew no other direction to look, and as much as I now attempt to live right here in the present moment, there is a part of me that wants to leap ahead.

Like yoga, learning to live in the moment and allowing life to happen is a practice that requires a concentrated effort. Apparently reformed control freaks like me don't give up our control easily, even if we know it is the healthy and right thing to do. As part of my attempt to focus in the present and not ruminate away all of life's joy and spontaneity by worrying about the future, I have embarked on a mission in 2014 to write my way to clarity.

I'm starting by sharing a life changing moment from 2013, one that forever has altered the way I interact with the world around me. I am a Highly Sensitive Person. 

One Defining Moment

While listening to Susan Cain's book Quiet, right after realizing that I am not the extrovert I always thought I was, I heard the term highly sensitive person for the first time. Some of the characteristics of an hsp Cain mentioned did resonate with me, but I was so focused on learning that I was an ambivert (not an extrovert), I promptly forgot all about it.  It wasn't until a few weeks later that I actually heard the term again and discovered there was a whole book written about the characteristics of a highly sensitive person. Turns out it fit my personality description a lot more than I originally thought. 

Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person and Barrie Jaeger's Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person are two books I will never stop referencing. They have changed my life and also allowed me to help others understand themselves better as well. Not to mention how important they have been in helping me come to terms with what I considered a huge failure of mine -- quitting my last job after only a year.

For those of you who think that being a Highly Sensitive Person means you cry all the time; think again. It can mean that you are very emotional, but in many cases it is really about how you process the world. While 80% of the people in the world process using a sense or two at a time, an hsp experiences life through all their senses, all the time, making us more susceptible to overload. HSP's generally share some common traits; we think too much, border on perfectionism and are super self -critical, yet we are also uniquely different from each other. All hsp's are not created equal, which makes this harder to pinpoint.

In a strange but awesome twist, it seems that 'like attracts like' in the case of being an hsp. Most people that I have made an instant and deep connection with previously in my life are now reappearing and testing as highly sensitive people; some who have surprised even me.  As I meet new people in my yoga classes and in other parts of my life, the majority of them are turning out to be highly sensitive, too.

The reason I am posting this on my blog today is twofold: one, if my writing resonates with you --you might be an hsp yourself--to be sure, take the test. And two, if you are struggling with any of the things I mentioned above, I want you to know that I can help you. There are a few important tips I have come across that ended the struggles I once had. As a holistic mind, body + spirit coach, it only makes sense I should focus on what I know, and that is how to navigate through life as an hsp. Maybe some of what I have experienced will help you learn to appreciate your unique self, make better decisions about your careers and lives, and help you do it faster than the 50 years it took me.

Not sure if you might be an hsp? See if any of these characteristics sound like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person* is:

• Better at spotting errors and avoiding mistakes
• Highly conscientious
• Able to concentrate deeply
• Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed and the detection of minor differences
• Often thinking about our own thinking
• Able to learn without being aware of what we have learned
• Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions
• Specialists in fine motor movements
• More"right brained" and less linear, more creative in their thinking

To be sure, I recommend you take the test and then check out the books. Even if you don't test as a highly sensitive person, the information uncovered can still be extremely valuable. Chances are someone you live with, love or work with, is an hsp. It would be to your benefit to understand how they are different from you. And if you are an hsp and need a coach who understands the unique way your brain works, and has experience with your specific challenges-- please shoot me an email or give me a call.

My plan is to share more of what I have learned about living life as an hsp in future blogposts, for clarity and all....

Namaste,

Terri

*Excerpted from p. 10 of Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person.

I have done away with new year's resolutions forever.

Instead of inspiring me throughout the year to be the best I can be, resolutions wind up bringing me down. The new year invokes an image of a clean slate, a do over, a chance to start fresh for me, but that also brings forth self-reflection. For years I have hauled out my list of New Year's Resolutions from the year prior and "judged" my own performance. Some years I have actually accomplished a couple of the resolutions on my list, but most years I just wind up feeling bad about what I didn't do instead of being happy about what I did. 

Last year I decided to try something new. Instead of creating a list of resolutions I was destined to fail, I chose three words to live by in 2013. Not sure how it would work, I also set a couple back up resolutions. After a year of incredible change and growth I cannot even remember the resolutions I set, but the words were part of my every day life. It was like having an automatic intention to live by.

As I look back on 2013 I realize how well this new approach worked for me. I am proud of my achievements instead of busting myself for what I didn't do and I am feeling positive. That in itself is a minor miracle --given that most of my life I have lived with a mean inner voice who isn't always quick to hand out compliments.

Whether you set resolutions at the beginning of each new year as a rule or not, the three words to live by is a tradition I encourage everyone to try. I used my three words from last year as a filter to weigh each new opportunity in 2013 against. That helped me rethink old commitments and assess new opportunities to make sure they aligned with my three words and the direction I wished to go. 

As I approached the end of this year I contemplated my new words, settled on three and then changed them right before writing this. They have to ring true -- and when you find the right ones, you will know.

My words for 2014 are: clarify, cultivate and savor.

Clarify and cultivate were chosen to remind me that my work is not done; I am still growing and changing, and as I do, I will need to refine (or clarify) often to make sure I am on the right track. Not one to stop and smell the roses as often as I should, choosing savor as my third word is a way to remind me continually that life is not just about accomplishing, it is also about enjoying and appreciating the little moments. Something I began in 2013 and plan to continue doing for the rest of my life.

In case you need some word ideas, here is a list. Do any of these speak to you? 

simplify, linger, thrive, create, appreciate, illuminate, flourish, shine, believe, spirit, affirm, seize, trust, succeed, savor, accomplish, prosper, expand, uplift, radiate, enlighten, astonish, revel, pleasure, relish, enjoy, ease, courage, devour, clarify, cultivate, surrender, spirit, balance, serenity, integrity, success, purpose, commitment, flexible, allow, energy, motivate, absorb, tranquility, peace, serenity, organize, visualize, anticipate, aware, awaken, faith, grace, shimmer, sizzle, dazzle, sparkle, enlighten, reach, trust, blossom, connect, experience, wisdom, strength, hope, joy, breathe, gratitude, grow, release, balance, brave, control, explore, express, finish, flow, find, nourish, heal, try, play, activate, healthy, nourish, slowdown, reflect, collaborate, celebrate, communicate

Ending the year on a positive note allows me to ring in the new year with hope in my heart. Hope that 2014 will be the best year ever, and that I will see forward motion in my loosely outlined plan to become the best version of me that I can be.

Cheers to a new year filled with unending love, light + peace.

In the past I was never the kind of person able to say "I did my best" and leave it at that. As long as I can remember I have strived for an ideal, a perfect "whatever" that was so good it was beyond criticism, even my own. In all of my 51 years that has never happened. All compliments have been taken with a "yeah but", or several "if onlys".  I've always focused on what could have been better and not celebrated what went well.

I realize now that this is exhausting and frustrating and FUTILE. It feels what I imagine is like a never ending Ground Hog's Day loop. I understand that I have been striving for the impossible and I eventually let that wear me down.

Where did I ever get the idea that I had to be perfect to be of value? In reading more and more about a highly sensitive person, I realize that is just part of my dna. My head and heart have never known any other way to be. The child in me must have been so affected by my own reaction to the criticism I received when I made mistakes, that the adult in me attempted to never make any.

There is no perfect anything in a black and white mind like I once had. There is always a judgment, a critique, a report card, a here's what you could do better next time thought. It is exhausting to attempt to drive yourself toward a perfect "anything"--- you get caught up in judging yourself against your last performance, or against the performance of others -- a completely unfair, highly critical trap that causes years to go by like the blink of an eye, with little chance to experience any personal joy.

This past year I came face to face with the dark side of my perfectionism and the shame it brings. I am happy to say that I squared off against it and have since learned to accept that I will never be perfect in my actions, or in my thoughts, feelings,  performance, writing, cooking; I will never be perfect in anything. Especially if I am the judge. No matter how hard I try, nothing will ever reach my idealistic standards.

I will never be perfect. Nor will attempting to be perfect make me more lovable, more worthy, more of value than I already am.

Yet even as I say it out loud... I will never be perfect, I hear a tiny whisper inside telling me it's a cop out, an excuse not to do my best work. (Clearly that is an area I need to work on).

For anyone who shares my perfectionism, this admitting that I am not perfect is a huge step in the right direction. I will never be perfect, nor will my own judgment of my performance ever not have criticisms attached. But --- I no longer let that mean voice have the floor. I acknowledge she's in there, but I let the calm voice who looks at the positive side and sees the good in what I did, take charge.

Now when I say that I did my best, it is enough. I am enough.

Some of you will not understand how huge this is. Others may laugh at me -- or have no frame of reference to understand where I am coming from. That too, I have learned, is perfectly okay. My message will not resonate with everyone. It may only be relevant to 20% of the people on earth, the 20% who are wired like me. The 20% who are highly sensitive people.

I am perfectly imperfect. And that is good enough for me.

Maybe a better question is: do you even think you need healing? I didn't think I did.

And I was wrong.

I've come to realize that everyone has past wounds to heal from. And not always from traumatic experiences they've been through; the wounds can be self-inflicted.

Mine were.

Self-criticism comes easily to type-A control freaks. We have mean inner voices that endlessly cause us to question ourselves and search for unattainable perfectionism.

A person can only take the pressure of constant achievement and accomplishment for so long before crashing. And burning. This I know from experience. You cannot judge yourself by the list of what you accomplish or how busy you are.

Slow it down.

If you think you cannot quiet your mind or sit still for a yoga class because you are the type who needs to run or move--- you are probably the person who needs it most. You are in constant motion for a reason. I was because I didn't want to listen to that mean inner voice. So I moved. And I kept moving for years, measuring my worth by what I accomplished, until one day I couldn't do it any longer.

And then I slowly began to learn how to be still and I uncovered the message I needed to hear most. I am worthy -- just by being me.

Yoga was a huge part of my transformation and I consider it my gateway to happiness. It started things in motion that eventually unblocked my heart. I am forever grateful for the friends who encouraged me to try it.

Here were my steps to healing:

• Step one was learning to live with an open heart. I credit yoga as the starting point.
• Step two was understanding that I was a highly sensitive person --approx. 20% of people on earth are hsp's. Reading about what being an hsp means rocked my world and jump started my self-love and acceptance.
• Step three was having my energy rebalanced with reiki. Once I was functioning on all cylinders, my life gained a clarity it had never had before--or at least not that I remembered. And I was able to begin my healing.

No t everyone will take the same path I did and that is okay -- we all have different paths to travel. However I meet people nearly every day who are very much like me, who need to hear the same messages I needed to hear.

Question of the Week #49 / Do you need to heal yourself before you can begin to be the change you wish to see in the world?

Healing begins with a step. Quieting your mind is one way to start. So begin to tune in with whatever method works for you.

Create something new: write, paint, draw, sew, knit or take photos of trees.

Move your body: dance, run, walk in nature, swim --just make sure you have time to let your mind clear -- time that isn't spent listening to a neighbor spill their guts or music that blocks everything else out.

Get outside: grow a garden, build a deck, fish, or climb rocks.

There is no right or wrong way to begin. Just do more of what brings you peace, what you lose track of time doing and let your healing begin naturally.

We all have times in our lives when the light bulb goes off and feel we have learned a valuable lesson. It seems I have had a lot of those moments in the last year. So many so, I have started my own list. It is interesting (and maybe sad) that many of the "simple" observations below took me almost 50 years to learn. In the hopes that someone else may learn from them, I am sharing.

My Rules for Living in the Light

1. Accept that I will never get "there"

2. Don't be afraid to change directions (often)

3. Small steps often allow for the biggest progress

4. Grow everyday

5. What I am most afraid of I need to move toward

6. Believe in myself always

7. Operate from the positive

8. Remember that life is a journey and meant to be enjoyed

9. Reframe when necessary

10. Open hearts lead to open minds

11. It isn't a weakness to ask for help

12. Worry is a complete waste of time

13. I am the only thing I can really control

14. Never doubt my gut

15. Saying no is freeing

16. Time for myself is necessary, not selfish

Question of the Week #47 / Have You Started Your Own List of Rules To Live By?

Sometimes I learn best through others, so I'd be honored if you shared some things that you have learned in the comments. Perhaps I can even add them to my own list.

I am thankful for each and every reader of this blog.  Happy Thanksgiving.

--Namaste

I'm excited to announce that together with friends I have started a new venture called Soulistic Sisters. Our first event is on Wednesday, December 4 at 7 pm. If you are looking for more personal peace and calm in in your world, start by attending our first Soulistic Sisters Event called: A Night of Soulicious Pampering.

This one centers around meditation and how it can help you find your own personal peace and calm for the upcoming holiday and keep it throughout the new year.

Here is the link to our invitation. I hope you will join us.

Our goal is to offer events that bring women together for an opportunity to experience  holistic ways to grow and nurture their souls, while also having fun and making new friends.

As she walked through the front door, her head ensconced in a gray sweatshirt, I immediately registered two things: Sadie was in a rotten mood, and something was different about her bangs. "Did you get a haircut?" I asked, thinking she'd be pleased I noticed.

There were tears swimming in her eyes as she looked hotly out from under her hoodie and verbally shoved me away with an "I don't want to talk about it."

Uh-oh. That's the for sure sign that something isn't right with her. Normally all cycles of unsettled "ness" in her emotions result in a change of some kind, usually of a large scale.  Once it was an uncomfortable (and not terribly attractive) lip piercing, another time it was a multicolored hair extravaganza (think bag of skittles), and this time it was an impulsive new haircut (following on the heels of a long and painful period of attempting to grow it out). From the look on her face it was obvious this haircut hadn't turned out like she'd hoped.  

Two things hit me instantaneously: it wasn't really about the hair, and the things on my evening "to do" list were going to have to wait. Sadie needed me.

Sometimes truly living life means you have to deviate from your well-crafted plans. You need to allow life to happen. While I may have had a list of things I wanted to get done that night, I've learned the hard way--- they weren't what mattered.

Sadie mattered. 

The chance to connect with my almost daughter wasn't going to wait until I was done with my accomplishing. I needed to concentrate on her. So we sat. We talked. We may have even cried. In the end, we connected and that, to me, is the juice of life. Connection, caring, and conversation is powerful stuff.

Question of the Week #45: Are You Taking Full Advantage of Every Connection Opportunity That Comes Your Way?

All people, especially our children, need to know that we are willing to put them first, ahead of the do lists and the well-intentioned plans. As parents and mentors, our chances to lead by example pass quickly, if we don't take advantage of them when they are right in front of us, we may not get another chance.

These days I take advantage of every opportunity I can to connect with those around me, especially my children. How about you? Are you allowing time for those who need you?

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear.

- See more at: http://www.alanamokma.com/terris-take-what-ive-learned-so-far/#sthash.49eLG5Ag.dpuf

For years my life didn't flow easily.

In fact, it felt like I was constantly paddling upstream. I 'To Do' listed my way through days, weeks, and months of my life. I  judged my own worth by my accomplishments and didn't appreciate much of what I already had. I think I felt some inner need to stay ahead of the current so it wouldn't sweep me downstream. Wonder where I ever learned I had to paddle against the current instead of just going with the flow?

I realize now that life isn't supposed to be so hard.

Instead of allowing life to happen, and appreciating the little beautiful things every day -- I attempted to control the life around me. For years. As if my thinking about every outcome could prevent catastrophes from happening, as if I could ward off future failures and disappointments by doing everything perfectly. I'm pretty sure I thought I could save valuable time by being so darn efficient. What in the world ever made me think this was the best way? What was I saving the time to do anyway ---accomplish more?

Eventually the exhaustion and frustration that comes from continually swimming upstream overwhelms a person---it did me anyway. I became anxious, stressed, couldn't sleep, cried a lot, and was borderline depressed. No matter how perfect I attempted to make things, it was never enough. I felt stuck -- probably what I fear the most in life -- feeling helpless, trapped, unsure of my next move and unable to figure out how to get unstuck. 

One particular low point, as I began the process of digging myself out of my funk, was starting a gratitude journal and struggling to come up with anything to write in it. It all felt forced and insincere even to me. That is when I knew I had to make some serious changes.

Tuning in to all my emotions, the good and the not-so-good, flipping my reactions to responses when things got sticky, and being open to change instead of fighting it made a huge difference. I now can "feel" when control-mode attempts to creep its way back into my life, and I have strategies to stop it.

Over time I changed my negative thoughts, silenced my inner critic and started to see the beauty around me again. It took months of focused work, and some help from unexpected new friends, but I did it. I am proud of the changes I have made and the person I have become.

I no longer paddle upstream. In fact I have such a sensitivity to anything that feels like stress, worry, or control that on some days I don't pick up a paddle at all, I simply allow the current to guide me. I hope to never go back to my old way of being.

Flow is beautiful. Joy is energizing. Gratitude is exhilarating. 

Question of the Week #39 / When is the last time you felt like you were going with the flow of life's current?

What were you doing? Who were you with?  Where were you (specific place)? And, can you get there again?

 When is the last time you were able to do something so totally joyful that you lost yourself in that moment?

As adults we sometimes squash our own joy. We over think, feel vulnerable and hold back from doing what we might otherwise do for fear of being rejected or ridiculed by others.  Thoughts of do I look silly, will actually make us feel silly. We become inhibited by the thought that someone watching may form an unfavorable opinion of us.

At what age do we go from the joy of doing something -just for the fun of it - to worrying about what we might look like to someone else and denying ourselves that joy?

Have you ever watched a kid dance? Freely, openly, moving whatever body part feels right to the music? Have you judged them or simply appreciated (even celebrated) their obvious joy in that honest expression?

I once had the opportunity to dance my heart out in the middle of Calder plaza at lunchtime with a friend. At first we questioned if we should GROOVE with just the two of us because we felt on “display”.  My inner voice had started its chatter, the one about what if someone is watching, especially when my friend verbalized the same question. But immediately I heard a louder, stronger voice that said “You’ve been looking forward to this. It is a beautiful day, everything is set up. Just dance your heart out. Who cares what anyone else thinks — they’ll just be envious they aren’t out there dancing with you.”

And so we did. We danced, laughed, moved around in joyful expression and spread our arms to the sky in delight. It was heavenly, especially on a lunch hour.

The reality is that many people were indeed watching us — it is after all a natural focal point to hundreds of windows from office buildings that look down on Calder Plaza — yet it didn’t matter one bit. We didn’t pay any attention. We didn’t let our thoughts run away with the moment. We let our inner joy take the stage. Afterward a tourist taking pictures of the Calder asked if we would dance again so he could take our picture, and of course, we did. I wish we had that picture he took!

On that particular day I opened up to joy, and I am so thankful I did, as a life altering seed of change took root in me.

Joy is contagious. Make sure you not only cultivate it, you remember to help spread it.

I saw this post on RebelleSociety.com this morning and it “spoke” to me. Since it did, I felt the need to share it so you could learn from it also. More people than you might think suffer from self-sabotage, and until you learn to believe in yourself, to shut down the inner critic, you will remain stuck.

Hope this speaks to you as well.

P.S. I so want to go surf with Bartholomeus.

How to get out of your own way?

Stop judging yourself.

via Rebelle Society on Aug 28, 2013

{Photo credit: crankygoat.com}

By Bartholomeus Nicolaas Engelbertus.

We have met the Enemy and He is Us." (Pogo - Walt Kelly, Cartoonist 1913-1973 US)

Getting out of your own way is simple. What is it you do that is stopping you from doing what you really want to do?

I used to be a master at staying busy doing tasks or jobs that prevented me doing what I really wanted, or needed to do.

You can spend much time working on your sales pitch, getting your website content ‘just right,’ instead of getting out there and asking folk to buy your product.

You can spend much time sorting out little problems, rather than starting with the ‘biggie.’ What about dealing with other people’s problems instead of your own?

When this looks familiar, something is in the way. Now let me save you heaps of time; it is you. You could call it ‘mindset,’ but I still think that is you. For me, it’s me, every time!

How do you get out of your own way? Easy, stop looking at yourself. Do not see yourself from a perspective which is outside of you, the perspective of the narrative. If you are not looking out from your own perspective, ladies and gentlemen, you have left the building, not Elvis!

Notice when you judge yourself. Notice when you compare yourself. You are really looking from the outside in, then take some kind of position of judgment. Stop being your own judge, leave that to other people.

Judging yourself, looking from the outside in, reinforces the belief-systems that previously stopped your aspirations. Be brave, look from the inside out.

Come from the deeper natural side, let the gut, heart, and instinct rule! Use reason to guide it, not the other way around. This way you are beaming a new kind of signal into the shared realities of your roles. Do this long enough and the world responds.

It is nature’s way to evolve, and people respond mostly to ‘why’ you do things, and not to ‘what’ you do. It is the ‘why-drive’ as I like to call it. By mixing in new ingredients in the shared reality you have with others, the recipe changes and the food will taste different. A new thing has been created, and when there are new ingredients there is new opportunity.

What I mean is not like manifesting from a perspective of influence: what power hungry manipulative freak came up with that anyway?

No, this is evolution baby! Working with nature’s way (change), and by doing so, driving its change. Next time you see yourself from the outside in, have a little laugh at your own expense.

You can only fly with the winds of change when you are looking out of your own eyes with love.

You only have your own perspective, so stop pretending, stop judging. Come back home, and if you do not know where that is; it is where the heart is — remember?

Featured in international media, like The Saturday Times, and MSN Extras, Surf Life Coach Bartholomeus Nicolaas Engelbertus’s unique personal growth approach (subtraction of ‘the undesired’ — instead of telling a person ‘what to do’) is the driving force of the anti-conventional Natural Self System. The Epiphanies found from his near death surfing accident, and overcoming dark times resulting from undesired personal life change, are the source and inspiration of this unique approach. Bartholomeus is the creator of The Natural Self System, and runs Life Changing Surf Life Coach Retreats in Cornwall, Portugal, and Mexico. His latest book — ‘Waves of Change’ — focuses on Thriving on Change, by Unleashing your Natural Self. You can connect with Bartholomeus via surflifecoach.com and Facebook.

Reposted with permission. Actual link here.

Did you know that all energy vibrates at a frequency? And your thoughts and feelings are what determine your personal frequency?

Within each of us we hold the power to attract good things into our lives. And all it takes to attract good things is to think positive thoughts. Conversely, if we let our negative thoughts rule our heads, we will begin to attract negative things. Becoming aware of the patterns and paths of our innermost thinking is a key ingredient to begin steering our life in the direction of our dreams.

I do not mean to insinuate that this process is easy, far from it, in fact. From experience I have learned that it isn't easy to change old habits and thinking patterns when you are aware of them. Imagine then, how impossible it would be for those who fail to pay attention to what they are really thinking. Getting out of a negative spiral is darn near impossible if we are sabotaging ourselves with second guessing, perfectionism, doubt, fear or criticism. Staying out is even harder.

In the past when things haven't been going my way --- say a new job is stressful, an old boss just doesn't get me, or I feel out-of-place amongst a group--- things always seem to get way worse, before they get better. Little did I know that I was in control of the speed at which good things began reappearing in my life, all I needed to do was control my own thoughts.

If you attract back to you the very things you think about, then even saying negative things out loud can call more negative to you. For example:

• I hate my job. More reasons to hate it come at you.
• No one here likes me. More dislike is directed at you.
• This is ridiculous. More ridiculousness comes your way.
• I can't do this. More things you can't do come across your path.
• I don't want to be here. More reasons pile up for you to want to leave, even things you once liked about your job.

Wherever your innermost thoughts are going they send out a vibration (a frequency) that attracts more of the same. Take a look around, are things going exactly like you wish them to in your life? If not, maybe it is time to re-examine what you are actually thinking about.

Question of the Week #34/ What is your Frequency?

Are you attracting what you want into your life? Try making positive changes in the way you think and see if positive changes begin happening. If you simply pay lip service to your new thoughts and don't really believe in them, or deep down think this crap won't work --then it won't. Your negative inner voice will steal the show. So make sure you can believe what you think.

This week I had the awesome experience of leading a vision board workshop at Gilda's Club.I have never been more inspired by a group of women. While I sometimes have a hard time answering the dreaded question "Who inspires you?" I found my answer there---real, authentic, regular everyday women telling their stories, baring their souls, expressing their fears and finding hope for their future. What a moving thing for a facilitator to experience.  There is no greater feeling for me.

Once upon a time it was only in my wildest dreams that I thought I could make a living using my natural talents to help people find whole body, mind + spirit wellness. Now, with positive thinking, it has become my life. Positive thinking = positive results.

Do you wish to begin operating at a higher frequency? If so, it is never too late.

I may or may not have asked this week's question already in one of my 32 previous questions ---honestly, it doesn't matter if I did. A good question needs to be asked over and over again. Depending on your immediate life circumstances, financial situation, mood, heck even the phase of the moon, your answer to it may vary. Or, if you are lucky, it will stay the same, thus giving you clarity. Ask yourself a question enough times, and a pattern eventually unfolds. And patterns are full of great insight.

At least that is how it works for me.

All forward motion for me starts with a "buzz" these days, a feeling of energy that I am "onto" something. My track record does show I have made a few wrong turns and discovered a few dead ends recently -- but I have followed them with surety, always guided by signs I cannot deny.

I used to get mad at myself for taking the wrong turn. Until I realized these little jaunts off the beaten path were life lessons I needed to experience. They are all meant to be, and it is 100% normal to experience them on a journey to self-discovery.

It is all part of the process of becoming aware. Of learning to listen to our inner voice, to dig out our true path.

My version of learning to read the roadsigns in front of me is this: when my buzz fizzles out quickly, I know immediately I am off track. When it takes longer, my warning sign is the feeling that what once "buzzed" me, now seems to drain me.

Take enough wrong turns, learn to pay attention, ask yourself enough questions and soon you will be able to know when you are on the right path. The buzz is constant. You feel energized, not zapped. You lose track of time, you don't catch yourself watching the clock. You crave doing that same thing over and over again, instead of finding excuses not to do it.

When I am aligned with my true path, I now feel it. Goosebumps are constant. I feel alive, like I am buzzing. Life is easy. It is a state I want to stay in.

The question I use to reassess after discovering I made a wrong turn or ran into a dead end is this:

What Makes You Feel Totally Alive? / Question of the Week #33

As with anything that matters, it takes practice to train your mind, body + soul to become aware of this alive feeling.

So you will need to start paying attention to the People, Places & Things that fuel you, if you haven't already started doing this.

• Which people in your life make you feel alive, build you up, inspire you, energize you, foster growth in you? In other words, you wish to be around them.
• What places relax you, allow you to think, dream, and receive clarity? In other words, you feel pulled there, often.
• What things are you doing when you feel at your very best, totally confident, happy, and at ease? In other words, you feel you don't get to do them often enough.

Start thinking about what brings the positive buzz into your world and maybe even start a list  in your journal. This will make it easier to recognize patterns, to connect your own dots later.

And once you pay attention to what it feels like to be on the right path, you will not want to venture too far off it. You will be full of wonder and gratitude at the incredible life you've been blessed with.

When is the last time you felt truly alive? What fills you up?

"Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls." -Joseph Campbell

I never used to think much about light and dark, good and bad, or energy and spirits, but recent events have me thinking about them a LOT.

I've learned that within everyone there is light, and there is darkness. And some of us are fortunate enough to operate in the light far more often than we spend time struggling in the dark.

Being a person who doesn't suffer from depression or sustained periods of sadness, I would have thought I didn't have (much) darkness, and that I lived most of my life in the light. But now I am not so sure.

I didn't realize my need for control, my insomnia from all the endless worry, and the heaviness on my chest were all signs that I was actually spending far too much time in the darkness.

My own inner voice has been my lifelong ticket to visits into that darkness. The voice isn't strong enough to send me into a deep depression, or to turn me toward addictive behaviors, or even to show up in angry outbursts, but it can throw me off my game, quickly and simply. My inner voice is mean.

It's unforgiving. It's perfectionistic. It's relentless.

I've learned that I am not the only one with a harsh inner critic, some of you out there also have one. And you might not even know how much it influences you. How much it shames you. How it puts a chink in your self armor.

So my advice is that you start paying attention.

If you find it hard to believe in yourself, to trust your instincts, or to find the confidence to go forward, maybe you too have a harsh inner critic. And now you need to face her.

Slow down. Attempt quiet. Listen. And pay attention to what she says.

If you don't like what you hear, there are strategies that can help you change that voice to one of loving kindness toward yourself. I know it works, I've changed mine. I didn't even realize until after a recent reiki session that I am waaaay too hard on myself. And that I second guess things that most people let go immediately. All that rumination made for a mushroom cap of crap over my heart that never seemed to dissolve. Until I paid attention, until I started listening and took back my personal power.

We are all a work-in-progress. We all have "stuff". I am hoping to use my natural talents to help others get through  their "stuff" and to live in the light.

If you need assistance, let me know.

Coaching. I'm good at it. It's what I do. I'd love to help you.

You and I know each other.

Imagine you see me in the hallway at work, or we run into each other at the grocery store, maybe we find ourselves standing next to each other in the food line at a networking event. I smile in greeting and say "Hi, how are you?"

And you answer something like: "Fine" or "I'm good" or "Doing okay, how are you?"

I can't help but think that kind of exchange is really a waste of breath. Mine and yours. But we do it all the time, don't we? You might have even done it already today. Two or three times in fact.

Why do we answer quickly and not stop to think about how we really feel in that moment? How much better would it be if my question was "How are you feeling today?" and your answer reflected what was actually happening inside of you, instead of a polite deflection back to me?

What if you were able to run through a mental list of descriptor words and choose one to represent what you were feeling in that moment and share that with me. I am feeling powerful. I am distressed. I feel guilty. I am jittery. I am afraid. Or I am hopeful.

Wouldn't it be awesome if we all were able to pause, think, search for a word that fits how we are feeling in the present moment and share it, every time we are asked?

Now that would be living life in the present, with intention and mindfulness.

So why don't we?

• It's easier to pretend, right? Just saying you are fine, when inside your world could be crashing down or cartwheeling away from you, is quicker and easier.
• Are we ever really sure if the person asking wants to know or is just being polite?  Sometimes when I give an honest answer I end up feeling like a dork after I realize the person isn't really interested and now I just shared way too much information.
• It's scary sometimes isn't it? To acknowledge that life isn't going well. It's way easier to share the happy stuff --the 'I'm feeling great moments'---everyone understands when you say "I'm great." But when you say: "I'm scared." "I'm stressed." "I'm so confused."  Those make people unsure and uncomfortable, especially when they were expecting an "I'm fine, how are you?" in return.

So most times we avoid saying how we really feel. We might actually even avoid thinking about how we really feel.

What if it were perfectly acceptable for you to say how you really felt every time you answered someone? What if we had the luxury of time to really listen to someone's answer, and to also dig deeper into the feeling just expressed? What if we had time to ask why?

I believe we would not only help ourselves by alleviating the burden we carry around inside ourselves, but we could help each other.

Feelings come from experiences. Sharing the experiences out loud, and honestly allows the individual sharing-- a chance to process through the situation-- to get in touch with their emotions, and with themselves. A listener then has the opportunity to be a sounding board, a source of new strength and support, and offer a much-needed new perspective. And they have the opportunity to learn from the person sharing.

In my ideal world people ask the question 'How are you (feeling)' because they genuinely want to know the answer. And people train themselves to give a thoughtful (and truthful) response in answer.

There is great power in a shared feeling -- whether it is a good or bad one. How often have you been uplifted simply by learning about someone else's joy? Or made aware of a situation or a previously unknown issue when someone shared their heartache? Increased empathy, sympathy, inspiration and understanding are just a few of the possible outcomes after someone answers a 'How are you' question with both thought and honesty. A real conversation can sometimes lead people to think: "If you can get through this thing that you are dealing with, then I can definitely get through what I am dealing with." "I am not alone." "You are not alone." "Life is awesome when things are truly going great."  A real conversation may set someone on a new path.

To me that kind of honest sharing is powerful stuff.

How Are You Really Feeling? / The Question of the Week #23

And yes I really want to know right now in this present moment a word that describes how you are currently feeling. My challenge to you is to ask someone else how they are really feeling today. If it goes well for you, then ask again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Hey change has to start somewhere...

And to be honest, I'd really like to be asked how I am feeling. So, pretending that you did (just ask me that is), my answer is: I am feeling favorable.

Favorable: characterized by approval or support; positive; creating or winning favor; pleasing; affording advantage, opportunity, or convenience; advantageous; boding well.

And, thanks for asking.

Retrospection can be a very enlightening thing.

"If I only knew then what I know now",  how many times have you said that?

With age comes wisdom and understanding.

While I've learned you cannot always stop someone from making their own mistakes by sharing what you have gleaned from yours, you can use what you have learned to mentor those who are ready to learn from you.

Question of the Week #20 / If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

As I look back on my life,  there is little I would change. Except maybe to have devoted more time to figuring out my own natural talents earlier in my life. Like most people-- life has a way of chugging along on its own power.  So, I got busy, or maybe I became content, and as a result I stopped growing. I stopped paying attention to what made me tick, what energized me and I lost myself for a while. I found myself doing what I dislike most, being stagnant.

So, if I had it to do over again I would start figuring out my "sweet spot", my purpose, my element as Ken Robinson calls it --earlier than I did. I think if I had, I might already be on my next move instead of questioning what it should/could be almost daily.

Many of my greatest inspirations are from real women who reinvented themselves later in life.  I wrote a post about my friend Edie a while ago, she reinvented, and I so admire her for it. Reading it reminds me that there still might be time for me.

Heck--if I had gotten moving earlier I might even have my Master's Degree in psychology already, or my teaching certificate, or my MSW.... or my yoga studio or have started a my own school.

What about you? Would you change anything?

P.S. For some the hard part might be in having to choose only one thing to change.

So this week has been pretty busy. And also pretty energizing.

I had the opportunity to be a small part of making TEDxGR 2013 happen yesterday. What that team of volunteers pulled off simply blows my mind. I have so many people to thank for bringing their incredible talents to the table and executing it close to perfection. (More on this later).

I'm exhausted though, and way behind on life. So,  I'm taking it easy this week and asking a random question....

Question of the Week #19 / If You Could Own One Article of Clothing From Any Film Ever Made, What Would You Take?

I told you it was random. But when I saw this question I had an immediate answer.

Dorothy's shoes.

I'd want those shoes sit on my shelf and remind me of what can be done when a person puts their own power behind something. Their passion. Their energy. Their vision.

We all have the power within us to accomplish our dreams.

I saw so many examples yesterday at TEDxGR that came to fruition or are on their way to happening. From everyone I ran into: the speakers at TEDxGR, the volunteers, the attendees, the performers, and the core team who pulled it off.

I'm. So. Inspired.

And now equally empowered to accomplish my dream.

In the words of the Good Witch:  "You had the power all along, my dear!"

Tag---You're it!

If I could do this all day, every day, and write about the people I met and the things I learned about them, I'd be in heaven.Dream job right there. So cool. The connections made in this video totally made me cry.

<http://youtu.be/HfHV4-N2LxQ

Tomorrow marks day one of me going off in search of my dreams. I should be scared.

I'm not.

The old me would have been worried.

The new me is rather excited.

I can see the life I want, I've envisioned it.....I just need to figure out a way to make it all happen.

Sadie, my almost daughter leaves for California Tuesday for her 10 month Americore assignment. It's bittersweet to take off on my  adventure without my girl to share it with.

Yet -- how can I be anything but happy that she is taking off on her own exciting adventure. Hers is scarier. She'll be far away from everyone she loves. She will have to survive a basic training of sorts. She will have to live out of a small red bag for weeks at a time as she travels to help others in need.  We will be miles and miles apart, and yet...we will both be growing in the direction of our dreams. From that, I muster courage and hope.

I'm so proud of us both.

We will both someday live the life we've imagined.

P.S. You can, too!