Do You Frequently Feel Like A Dumping Ground?

Ever cringe when the phone rings and the caller id shows the name of a friend who is prone to talking longer than you care to talk? Or when a coworker traps you in the lunchroom and unloads a list of complaints against another coworker, or a boss? Even a quick lunch with a friend can sometimes lead to the exchange of too much information.

One way to determine if you have experienced a dump is if you feel drained, agitated or stressed after the conversation. Maybe the things shared were too personal, making you feel uncomfortable, or they are negative about someone you know, or maybe you are just sick of hearing the same old, same old over and over again with no change in sight.

If you are wondering what you can you do to make sure you don't continue to be a dumping ground, start by setting some personal boundaries.

A boundary is defined as something that indicates limits.

While you might be willing to listen to a friend talk about their bad day at work, you may not be willing to hear them bash their spouse or partner. Only you can know what your personal limits are, and it is up to you to effectively communicate these boundaries. Chances are your friend doesn’t realize they are making you uncomfortable, especially if they have shared this kind of information with you in the past, and nothing was ever said.

While it may feel a bit uncomfortable to tell them how you are feeling, in the long run everyone will feel better about the situation if you tell the truth. It can’t really be beneficial to your friend to have you answer the call with an attitude, and a predisposition to listen with only one ear, or to rush her off the phone.  And you will not feel good about the friendship if you feel drained after every interaction or conversation with her.

It is up to you to set your personal limits.

Try these simple techniques next time you find yourself in the awkward position of being on the receiving end of a friend or coworker dump.

Redirect. Divert. Change the subject. Whatever you decide to call it, you are taking control of the situation and moving it to safer ground. Find something that you can handle talking to your friend about and settle in to listen.

Limit the time you have. From the very beginning of the call (or meet up) set your time boundary. "I only have 5 minutes before I am leaving the house" in the case of an unexpected phone call, or "I have about 10 minutes before I need to get ready for my next appointment" to the coworker stopping you in the lunchroom. When on a lunch date with a long-winded friend gently remind them before you have to rush off that it is indeed a lunch "hour" and you really need to get back to work on time.

Choose a time that you ARE willing to listen. No one likes to be interrupted when they are under a deadline or in the middle of something, so if you know your friend needs to let off some steam, choose a time that works for you. Set aside some time on the weekend, or a weeknight and be specific on the start and end times you are available. Give your friend your undivided attention within the timeframe of your choosing.

Speak up. When all other efforts have failed and you cannot endure another conversation, say something. You will feel better about being honest, and your friend or coworker will eventually feel better knowing how you feel. They deserve to be heard, and someone else on their friend list may be more willing to listen.

Don’t feel guilty. Think about it, would you want a friend to keep quiet if they felt you were repeatedly dumping on them? You’d want them to tell the truth, nicely of course. So treat them as you would wish to be treated by them.

Keep this simple adage in mind: one of the best ways to help other people feel happier is to be happy yourself. Setting your boundaries might be just the ticket to happiness all around.

Question of the Week # 38 / Have You Set Your Personal Boundaries?

You and I know each other.

Imagine you see me in the hallway at work, or we run into each other at the grocery store, maybe we find ourselves standing next to each other in the food line at a networking event. I smile in greeting and say "Hi, how are you?"

And you answer something like: "Fine" or "I'm good" or "Doing okay, how are you?"

I can't help but think that kind of exchange is really a waste of breath. Mine and yours. But we do it all the time, don't we? You might have even done it already today. Two or three times in fact.

Why do we answer quickly and not stop to think about how we really feel in that moment? How much better would it be if my question was "How are you feeling today?" and your answer reflected what was actually happening inside of you, instead of a polite deflection back to me?

What if you were able to run through a mental list of descriptor words and choose one to represent what you were feeling in that moment and share that with me. I am feeling powerful. I am distressed. I feel guilty. I am jittery. I am afraid. Or I am hopeful.

Wouldn't it be awesome if we all were able to pause, think, search for a word that fits how we are feeling in the present moment and share it, every time we are asked?

Now that would be living life in the present, with intention and mindfulness.

So why don't we?

• It's easier to pretend, right? Just saying you are fine, when inside your world could be crashing down or cartwheeling away from you, is quicker and easier.
• Are we ever really sure if the person asking wants to know or is just being polite?  Sometimes when I give an honest answer I end up feeling like a dork after I realize the person isn't really interested and now I just shared way too much information.
• It's scary sometimes isn't it? To acknowledge that life isn't going well. It's way easier to share the happy stuff --the 'I'm feeling great moments'---everyone understands when you say "I'm great." But when you say: "I'm scared." "I'm stressed." "I'm so confused."  Those make people unsure and uncomfortable, especially when they were expecting an "I'm fine, how are you?" in return.

So most times we avoid saying how we really feel. We might actually even avoid thinking about how we really feel.

What if it were perfectly acceptable for you to say how you really felt every time you answered someone? What if we had the luxury of time to really listen to someone's answer, and to also dig deeper into the feeling just expressed? What if we had time to ask why?

I believe we would not only help ourselves by alleviating the burden we carry around inside ourselves, but we could help each other.

Feelings come from experiences. Sharing the experiences out loud, and honestly allows the individual sharing-- a chance to process through the situation-- to get in touch with their emotions, and with themselves. A listener then has the opportunity to be a sounding board, a source of new strength and support, and offer a much-needed new perspective. And they have the opportunity to learn from the person sharing.

In my ideal world people ask the question 'How are you (feeling)' because they genuinely want to know the answer. And people train themselves to give a thoughtful (and truthful) response in answer.

There is great power in a shared feeling -- whether it is a good or bad one. How often have you been uplifted simply by learning about someone else's joy? Or made aware of a situation or a previously unknown issue when someone shared their heartache? Increased empathy, sympathy, inspiration and understanding are just a few of the possible outcomes after someone answers a 'How are you' question with both thought and honesty. A real conversation can sometimes lead people to think: "If you can get through this thing that you are dealing with, then I can definitely get through what I am dealing with." "I am not alone." "You are not alone." "Life is awesome when things are truly going great."  A real conversation may set someone on a new path.

To me that kind of honest sharing is powerful stuff.

How Are You Really Feeling? / The Question of the Week #23

And yes I really want to know right now in this present moment a word that describes how you are currently feeling. My challenge to you is to ask someone else how they are really feeling today. If it goes well for you, then ask again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Hey change has to start somewhere...

And to be honest, I'd really like to be asked how I am feeling. So, pretending that you did (just ask me that is), my answer is: I am feeling favorable.

Favorable: characterized by approval or support; positive; creating or winning favor; pleasing; affording advantage, opportunity, or convenience; advantageous; boding well.

And, thanks for asking.