If you had a good friend who was all ready to move forward on something, something they believed strongly in but were holding back out of fear or self-doubt, would you do something to help them get started?

Of course you would.

Most people love to see others succeed. It inspires them to move forward with ideas and dreams of their own. And it sparks courage -- have you ever given yourself the pep talk that goes like this "well if so-and-so can do it, then so can I"? Unfortunately, most times the pep talk is as far as we get before our own doubts, fears, anxieties or over thinking creep in and stop us dead in our tracks.

Go back to my original question and imagine that the good friend I asked about was actually YOU. Would your answer be the same? Would you do something to help yourself move forward? Or would you hold back and throw up roadblocks in order to keep yourself "safe" ?

Ah ha!  If helping a friend is easier than helping yourself....a reassessment is needed.

You have to be willing to do at least as much for yourself, if not MORE than you would do for a  good friend, to get moving in the direction of your dreams. Focusing outward, on others and helping them take risks but being unwilling to take your own means you are living vicariously through them. In essence you aren't believing in yourself. You are keeping yourself stuck in order to keep yourself safe from failing. This can eventually lead to dark feelings of self-doubt, anger, guilt, depression, and hopelessness as you watch others around you succeed -- sometimes even succeeding in areas that you also could excel at. The results of keeping ourselves "safe" can actually result in the outcome we fear most ---failure.

So why do we so easily get distracted by others, offering assistance to them via our supporting words or a new connection that will further their ideas, instead of focusing on our own ideas and dreams? Because in helping a friend, we have no ownership of the outcome. We don't have to worry about feeling any shame or stress if they fail, so we can be brave for our friends at no risk to ourselves.

What we really need to do is be brave for ourselves.

So start believing in YOU. Trust in YOU. Support YOURSELF.

I do not say this lightly and I know from experience that this is also not an easy thing for many people to do: you need to put yourself first. It is necessary for our own well being and for those who depend on us to put ourselves at the front of the line. I spent years assisting others, watching them achieve what I wanted to achieve, watching them take risks I was too scared to take....because I was afraid (deep inside) that I might fail. And if I failed, I feared I would come unglued. But I have learned that I wasn't giving myself enough credit. I am strong, I can overcome failure. I can survive it. In fact, it doesn't render me helpless -- it did the reverse, it made me stronger. I am still learning to undo the patterns I once developed to keep myself protected so that I can begin to live life fully and not just go safely through the motions.

I realize now that being stuck on safe made life an uphill battle for me. In essence it made life so much harder than it needed to be. Are you doing the same?

What is stopping you from moving forward?

Are you afraid of failing? Are you stuck in your comfort zone? Or are you listening to the negative people around you, the ones who discourage you because they are afraid of pursuing their own dreams?

Your time is now. Stop thinking about it. Lead by example and DO IT.

In the past I was never the kind of person able to say "I did my best" and leave it at that. As long as I can remember I have strived for an ideal, a perfect "whatever" that was so good it was beyond criticism, even my own. In all of my 51 years that has never happened. All compliments have been taken with a "yeah but", or several "if onlys".  I've always focused on what could have been better and not celebrated what went well.

I realize now that this is exhausting and frustrating and FUTILE. It feels what I imagine is like a never ending Ground Hog's Day loop. I understand that I have been striving for the impossible and I eventually let that wear me down.

Where did I ever get the idea that I had to be perfect to be of value? In reading more and more about a highly sensitive person, I realize that is just part of my dna. My head and heart have never known any other way to be. The child in me must have been so affected by my own reaction to the criticism I received when I made mistakes, that the adult in me attempted to never make any.

There is no perfect anything in a black and white mind like I once had. There is always a judgment, a critique, a report card, a here's what you could do better next time thought. It is exhausting to attempt to drive yourself toward a perfect "anything"--- you get caught up in judging yourself against your last performance, or against the performance of others -- a completely unfair, highly critical trap that causes years to go by like the blink of an eye, with little chance to experience any personal joy.

This past year I came face to face with the dark side of my perfectionism and the shame it brings. I am happy to say that I squared off against it and have since learned to accept that I will never be perfect in my actions, or in my thoughts, feelings,  performance, writing, cooking; I will never be perfect in anything. Especially if I am the judge. No matter how hard I try, nothing will ever reach my idealistic standards.

I will never be perfect. Nor will attempting to be perfect make me more lovable, more worthy, more of value than I already am.

Yet even as I say it out loud... I will never be perfect, I hear a tiny whisper inside telling me it's a cop out, an excuse not to do my best work. (Clearly that is an area I need to work on).

For anyone who shares my perfectionism, this admitting that I am not perfect is a huge step in the right direction. I will never be perfect, nor will my own judgment of my performance ever not have criticisms attached. But --- I no longer let that mean voice have the floor. I acknowledge she's in there, but I let the calm voice who looks at the positive side and sees the good in what I did, take charge.

Now when I say that I did my best, it is enough. I am enough.

Some of you will not understand how huge this is. Others may laugh at me -- or have no frame of reference to understand where I am coming from. That too, I have learned, is perfectly okay. My message will not resonate with everyone. It may only be relevant to 20% of the people on earth, the 20% who are wired like me. The 20% who are highly sensitive people.

I am perfectly imperfect. And that is good enough for me.

 

Self Criticism. It can be (excuse the term) a ball buster for some people.

Many people are their own worst enemies, spending valuable time and energy criticizing themselves constantly. It gets so bad they find themselves thinking they need to improve themselves in every new situation they face.

So, it is time to ask another hard question... how do you talk to yourself?

1. How does self-criticism show up in your life, and what impact does it have on you and your relationships?

2. What kinds of things does the voice in your head tell you on a regular basis?

3. What specifically stops you from fully appreciating and loving yourself?

I have often said that I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. Miss Perfect is what I call the voice in my head. She looks at every situation I experience and tells me in no uncertain terms how I could have done it better. Or maybe it is more appropriate to say that she tells me how I should have done it differently. For most of my life that is the voice I heard. But lately, there seems to be stronger voice emerging. The one that tells me that I did my best, and my best is all I have.

It helps that I am learning to operate from my sweet spot, and I don't feel off kilter every day. That in itself gives me a more positive outlook and attitude.  And being honest with myself about the things I can and cannot do well, or maybe even admitting the things I don't want to do anymore -- gives me so much more positive energy. It seems easier at 50 to appreciate what I do right, and not beat myself up about what I do less than perfectly.

So if you are still hearing a negative voice in your head, what can you do? According to Mike Robbins in the book Focus On the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation here are some steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge All Your Negative Thoughts and Feelings Honestly

The best way is to speak them out loud to someone you trust. Share all your negativity no matter how silly. The person listening does not even have to say anything in return. The more real and honest you are, the more effective this technique will be.

2. Create a Clean Slate

By letting out your negative thoughts, either speaking or writing them down, you will feel a shift or "loosening" of the grip of negativity. Have someone share back to you all that you have admitted about how you feel about yourself. It might sound ridiculous to you as you hear it all at once,  and that is okay. Get them out, and then be willing to start over with a clean slate.

3. Change Your Physical or Emotional State

Once you have cleared your negativity, do something to shake things up. Change your energy. Yell, sing, dance, jump.....do something unexpected.

4. Verbalize and Visualize What You Want

Speak out loud your positive intentions for what you want to have happen. Be very specific and make sure to keep your statements in the affirmative. Don't say "I don't want to screw it up," when interviewing for a new job, say "I want them to offer me the job on the spot," or whatever the situation is. Allow yourself to feel what is happening exactly how you want it to go.

5. Let It All Go

If you've followed all the steps up to this point, then it is time to let it all go and be in the moment. In doing so, you will position yourself to be ready to transform your negativity toward yourself and create some positive energy in your life.

Many of you will not know these deep self criticizing feelings that some of us feel. In fact, I once wrote a blogpost about self-criticism and shared it will a friend. She did not relate and had no idea what I was talking about. Taken aback by her lukewarm reception, I never posted it because I thought I was in the minority. Instead I have come to realize, she is. Most people do have a version of Miss Perfect in their head, those that don't might even be considered one of the lucky ones.

I encourage you to really ponder the question and to answer it honestly. Then treat yourself like the awesome person you are and work to silence that negative voice in your head. For good.