As I sat at the computer this morning with my beautiful mother-in-law on my mind, and having just re-read my post about Angel Addie, I didn’t realize she was taking her final steps into the light of Heaven. I knew the end of her time here on earth was near, after an early morning phone call and several texts I’d received as my husband made his way to Jackson, but not that it was actually happening while I sat and let my tears and words flow. It comforts me now to know that even though I wasn’t physically there with her and the rest of the family ---I was thinking of her—and connected in spirit---at pretty much the exact moment she moved on.

My husband feels bad that he missed being at her bedside by only minutes because he thoughtfully stopped on his way into town to get some food for everyone who had stayed over at the house. He feels guilty thinking she was holding on for him to get there, and the food stop caused him to miss her passing by mere minutes. 

What if she wasn't waiting for him to physically arrive, instead she just wanted to make sure he was safely back in town and ready to step in and be a calming force in the sea of ensuing sadness her departure was sure to leave?  I think what she needed most was to know that everything and everyone would all be okay --and his place wasn't to actually be with her in those final moments, but to facilitate her peaceful release by giving her the last piece of reassurance she needed that it was okay to go. Once she knew he was in line paying for those donuts she was able to let go of any lingering doubt and leave peacefully.

I hope that is how it will be for me someday --- when I am minutes from Heaven, I too will just want reassurance that my family will all be okay.

Here is what I was writing as my mother-in-law met Jesus. I was even playing the song she loved, too. http://youtu.be/N_lrrq_opng

Dear Mom:

You are minutes from Heaven and I am so thankful that of all the mother in law’s in the world, I was lucky enough to get you. These past two years while you have raged your battle against cancer, you have done so with such grace.

As I wait here praying that the angels bring Mike safely to your side, the tears are slowly falling.

We will miss you here in this world but know that you are heading home and you are not scared. You are ready. We were the ones not quite ready for you to leave us. Your obvious excitement at meeting Jesus however has given us comfort that you will be more than okay in your new home.

This is hard sitting here and waiting. I see why so many have trouble letting their loved ones go. We don’t want you to leave. But we also do not want you to suffer. So go peacefully mom. Don’t fight the light and the extended hands of those who have gone before you. They are patiently waiting for you as well. I know Grandma Wallis is first in line—say hi to her for me will you? And hugs and love to Grandma and Grandpa Spaulding.

Mike is almost there. I don’t want to call him because I don’t want him to start driving faster to get there, either you will wait or you will be drawn to the light just before he gets there. The timing will be perfect whatever it turns out to be.

It is interesting that yesterday I celebrated Addie’s life and felt her presence so strongly all day and now today you will be joining her in Heaven.

Will we feel you, will you send us signs? I hope so. It is so comforting to be able to know that love never really ends – it changes sure, but we will still feel your love and send our love to you. Always and forever, until we meet again. XO

Your daughter in love.

I never used to think much about light and dark, good and bad, or energy and spirits, but recent events have me thinking about them a LOT.

I've learned that within everyone there is light, and there is darkness. And some of us are fortunate enough to operate in the light far more often than we spend time struggling in the dark.

Being a person who doesn't suffer from depression or sustained periods of sadness, I would have thought I didn't have (much) darkness, and that I lived most of my life in the light. But now I am not so sure.

I didn't realize my need for control, my insomnia from all the endless worry, and the heaviness on my chest were all signs that I was actually spending far too much time in the darkness.

My own inner voice has been my lifelong ticket to visits into that darkness. The voice isn't strong enough to send me into a deep depression, or to turn me toward addictive behaviors, or even to show up in angry outbursts, but it can throw me off my game, quickly and simply. My inner voice is mean.

It's unforgiving. It's perfectionistic. It's relentless.

I've learned that I am not the only one with a harsh inner critic, some of you out there also have one. And you might not even know how much it influences you. How much it shames you. How it puts a chink in your self armor.

So my advice is that you start paying attention.

If you find it hard to believe in yourself, to trust your instincts, or to find the confidence to go forward, maybe you too have a harsh inner critic. And now you need to face her.

Slow down. Attempt quiet. Listen. And pay attention to what she says.

If you don't like what you hear, there are strategies that can help you change that voice to one of loving kindness toward yourself. I know it works, I've changed mine. I didn't even realize until after a recent reiki session that I am waaaay too hard on myself. And that I second guess things that most people let go immediately. All that rumination made for a mushroom cap of crap over my heart that never seemed to dissolve. Until I paid attention, until I started listening and took back my personal power.

We are all a work-in-progress. We all have "stuff". I am hoping to use my natural talents to help others get through  their "stuff" and to live in the light.

If you need assistance, let me know.

Coaching. I'm good at it. It's what I do. I'd love to help you.