I have written my way through a lot of healing in the last 10+ years. It was the best way for me to work through the lessons I needed to learn. Many of those posts I have not yet shared because at the time they felt too personal. But now I am realizing the words are my truth, they are part of who I am and who I have become, and they might encourage others to begin to work their way out of the darkness.

Here is the story of my dark night of the soul in November of 2012, when I hit my emotional rock bottom. The real healing began after, when I started my journey forward into who I was always meant to be.

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They say you don’t truly transform until you shatter. Hit rock bottom. Learn your lessons. Until your heart breaks.

I am not sure exactly when my heart broke, but I know what it felt like. It maybe happened slowly like the cracks in the windshield- --one solid hit that morphs into tiny fissures.

When the whole thing shattered for good, it was loud and painful.

I remember crying, uncontrollably sobbing, shame, guilt, frustration, anger all the lower energies taking control of me.

It should have stopped me in my tracks. Left me frozen.  If it hadn’t happened slowly, the breaking of my heart, I am sure it would have.

But the breaking of my heart was a cracking open to heal, to make me truly see, not to render me helpless.

And sitting on the basement floor when I opened my eyes to the sound of another human being asking what was the matter, it was the person who I was most worried about, most scared for, most disconnected from. It was my son Mitch.

He too was living at a low vibration, only he had turned to outside distractions and vices to numb the pain. I was the one that turned on myself with vicious words, accusations, and only added to my downward spiral.

His grace, his words lifted me. His kindness in my lowest of low moments had the power to shine light into my dark world. In that moment I felt he was holding out an olive branch of forgiveness for all the mistakes I had made raising him. Even after knowing that I was a controlling, judgmental, hypocrite—he said the words I needed to hear. That I was not a parenting failure, that I was not a failure as a human being, that he wanted to be like me. 

It took away some of the shame I felt for the years I attempted to make him into someone he was not. Thank goodness he resisted. Thank goodness he held the wisdom to see the real me underneath my layers of pretense and my attempts to make him follow rules that made no sense.

He said he  wanted what I had someday. Probably he meant a loving relationship, a family, a home that kind of thing – not a mean inner voice who criticized, strived and tried too hard to do life so right she left out the living part.

As Glennon Melton so eloquently said: the call from God doesn’t just come once, if you missed it the first time (or the second or the third) he will find a way to reach you. To offer you that door again to see if you are ready.

I was ready.

Change was never my friend but the biggest changes in my life began from that point on.

And things I once never thought would happen to me did; both good and bad.

It took some serious healing from the inside to even begin to influence the world on the outside of me.

Slowly but surely the broken pieces of me fit back in --- putting me back together in a way I had never been before. Or at least that I did not remember being. Creating a better version of me. 

There is no doubt grace finds a way in through people, words of kindness, actions straight to your heart.

But you have to be ready to greet her.

Is there a relationship in your life that feels less than perfect right now? One that threatens your inner peace? Consumes too many of your thoughts and leaves you feeling anxious or guilty or generally out of sorts when you think of it?

Maybe it is time to do something to clear the air.

Your well being and peace of mind are valuable allies in creating a balanced happy life. To extend too many thoughts and energies to a situation that doesn't bring you joy, and ultimately makes you feel bad or small, is excess weight you need to get rid of. 

But what is the appropriate course of action? There is no right answer, only suggestions to consider, because the answer is unique to you. The solution has to allow you to move on, to let go, to be okay with the outcome even if it isn't exactly what you hoped for. And it cannot compromise your integrity or your authenticity. While I personally don't believe in lying to make things right, or apologizing for something I don't believe I did wrong, I can and have swept the situation under the rug and simply let it go. But that doesn't always work either.

The ultimate "right" answer is the one that sits well with you.

Here are some possible courses of action:

1. You could be honest with this person, admitting your wrong doing and say you are sorry only for your portion of the conflict. 

2. You could agree to disagree acknowledging it isn't imperative that you two ever agree, just that you are able to accept each others differences and get along for the sake of keeping the peace (in the family, or the workplace, or wherever).

3. You could let go of any expectations this person will change after your attempt to reconcile, because chances are, they will not. Since you are doing this for you and to rid yourself of the lingering feeling of regret at not attempting to clear things up, even if it does not create the outcome you hoped for, you will feel better for having attempted.

4. You could stand in your personal truth and recognize that you don't have to please everyone around you and if you are okay with you, so should everyone else be. Even if you don't see eye to eye, or for that matter even like each other.

5. You could maintain control of your emotions even if the confrontation goes badly or if the other person is not receptive to your wish to make amends. Adding more drama to the situation by losing your cool only effectively hands all control over to the other person.

While no one can tell you what to do, sometimes talking it out with an unbiased person helps to see the situation with more clarity. In any case, holding onto negative feelings for someone only weighs down your mind, body + spirit, not theirs. Take appropriate action in whatever way feels right for you to create change, and to either close that door or open another.

Maybe a better question is: do you even think you need healing? I didn't think I did.

And I was wrong.

I've come to realize that everyone has past wounds to heal from. And not always from traumatic experiences they've been through; the wounds can be self-inflicted.

Mine were.

Self-criticism comes easily to type-A control freaks. We have mean inner voices that endlessly cause us to question ourselves and search for unattainable perfectionism.

A person can only take the pressure of constant achievement and accomplishment for so long before crashing. And burning. This I know from experience. You cannot judge yourself by the list of what you accomplish or how busy you are.

Slow it down.

If you think you cannot quiet your mind or sit still for a yoga class because you are the type who needs to run or move--- you are probably the person who needs it most. You are in constant motion for a reason. I was because I didn't want to listen to that mean inner voice. So I moved. And I kept moving for years, measuring my worth by what I accomplished, until one day I couldn't do it any longer.

And then I slowly began to learn how to be still and I uncovered the message I needed to hear most. I am worthy -- just by being me.

Yoga was a huge part of my transformation and I consider it my gateway to happiness. It started things in motion that eventually unblocked my heart. I am forever grateful for the friends who encouraged me to try it.

Here were my steps to healing:

• Step one was learning to live with an open heart. I credit yoga as the starting point.
• Step two was understanding that I was a highly sensitive person --approx. 20% of people on earth are hsp's. Reading about what being an hsp means rocked my world and jump started my self-love and acceptance.
• Step three was having my energy rebalanced with reiki. Once I was functioning on all cylinders, my life gained a clarity it had never had before--or at least not that I remembered. And I was able to begin my healing.

No t everyone will take the same path I did and that is okay -- we all have different paths to travel. However I meet people nearly every day who are very much like me, who need to hear the same messages I needed to hear.

Question of the Week #49 / Do you need to heal yourself before you can begin to be the change you wish to see in the world?

Healing begins with a step. Quieting your mind is one way to start. So begin to tune in with whatever method works for you.

Create something new: write, paint, draw, sew, knit or take photos of trees.

Move your body: dance, run, walk in nature, swim --just make sure you have time to let your mind clear -- time that isn't spent listening to a neighbor spill their guts or music that blocks everything else out.

Get outside: grow a garden, build a deck, fish, or climb rocks.

There is no right or wrong way to begin. Just do more of what brings you peace, what you lose track of time doing and let your healing begin naturally.