Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear..

And when she could no longer hold all the pieces of her life together, she summoned the courage to fall apart.

Once she hit rock bottom, with no where lower to go, she came undone and broke into a million tiny pieces. The relief she felt was unexpected. With nowhere to go but up, she felt the lightness of hope instead of the weight of crushing despair. Her greatest fear had always been that if she gave in to the darkness, she would not be able to recover from the fall.

How had she not realized that the hanging on had been like a cement block around her neck?

So she began the process of letting go.  She gave up the constant struggling against the current of her heart, and began to float back to herself. 

Some changes were immediate, others took longer for the world to see. They said she was reinventing herself, but she knew it was more about coming home to herself after years of trying to be someone/something she was not.

She worked hard to unlearn the strategies she had created hoping to stay safe, appear good and be beyond reproach. Some days it was more of a battle than a release.

She stopped

playing it so safe she kept herself in a fake bubble of safety so she wouldn't fail

staying productive so she was never called lazy

perfecting her outward appearance so the world would like her

trying to right all the wrongs that were not hers to fix

Years of control and constant striving forward to achieve began to melt away. It left her feeling lighter and freer, but also a bit unsteady. She struggled to find her balance even though the ground beneath her was in a constant state of change. Some of it she liked, some challenged her to her very core.

During the years of growing up it hadn't occurred to her that she was a person in need of time to just be. Always thinking she was too old, too busy, too necessary to just sit among the trees, or to play with rocks, she had always kept up her forward trek. Sadly, her progress had become the measurement of her own worth.

And that led to utter exhaustion, and her ensuing fall.

Rock bottom has an interesting way of giving you a new perspective and she came up fighting with fresh new eyes. Hope filled, happier eyes who now saw the necessity of spontaneity, of living a more unplanned life, and who craved freedom, peace, and joy. Comfort zones were meant to contain, and she was clearly ready to fly again.

She let her life get messy. She watched for signs from the universe meant to direct her onto her true path, occasionally impatiently jumping at opportunities that were not meant for her. She let herself fail. She let herself experience new things. She began to grow wiser.

And gone was the feeling that she would not be able to handle anything that happened to her. She knew she was growing stronger. She filled her mind with beautiful things, gone was worrying away the moments of her life in preparation for the what if's that might never actually happen. She traded them in for living in the moment, experiencing the beauty of life right in front of her.

As a result her cupboards grew unorganized, cobwebs formed in the corners of her rooms, and dust settled on everything. She didn't care. She rarely even apologized for it anymore. She just let it be.

Instead she laughed. She danced. She sang. She created. She was silly. She made mistakes. She moved on. She began to believe in herself again. She made time for the things that mattered and didn't feel guilty for letting the rest go. She became wise in understanding she could never be what others wanted her to be if she was not honoring herself. After years of putting herself last in line she made time for herself. She became a calmer, happier, better version of herself.

She lost friends, but gained her self-respect.

She made mistakes, yet bounced back with inner reserves she once didn't believe she had.  

She grew weary of games, drama, and judgment. She stopped trying to figure it all out, to stay ahead of the game, and just made time and space to be herself, to fuel her soul.

Following her heart gave her the positive energy to live life her way. To lead with trust, knowing and belief. Her journey up from rock bottom brought her ever closer to the person she was always meant to be.

It took great courage to dare to fall apart, but she now understood the reward was worth it.

A manifesto, a poem, an inspiration, who knows? Sharing the words that came to me while walking with the trees.

Her Transformation to Truth

She emerged from hibernation less like a bear and more like a butterfly.

Transformed, she now sparkled with color.

Opening her wings to fly,

Maybe for the first time ever,

She was truly free of all that weighed her down.

She considered the time spent within well worth it.

For the world in front of her was somehow different.

Although things were in the same places, she didn’t view them the same. There was more color, more texture and so many things she had never truly noticed before. Her post-hibernation world was ablaze with wonder.

She saw raw beauty in all places. Found joy in each moment. Let hope fill her every in-breath.  And as she acknowledged this, trust began to grow again in her heart.

She would no longer live a life of pretend to make others feel better. It had never suited her.

And keeping up the pretend only confused her more.

From this moment on she knew she would remain at truth. Always. And if the truth did not please others, she’d speak it boldly anyway, or she would stand strong and silent if she thought it best, as long as doing so did not compromise her soul.

She understood that truth would remain her constant and trusted companion—would serve as her guiding light, and the familiar voices of doubt and indecision would find nothing to argue with if she did.

As she embraced her new world, she wisely realized that truth was the solid ground on which she would begin to grow into the best version of herself.

---Terri Spaulding

There are life changing moments and there are life defining moments.

My life defining moment came at the lowest point of my life. From the person I was most worried about. Not sure what set me off on this particular day, but I hit my rock bottom.

Sad, lonely, depressed, stuck, anxious, scared.....I was sitting in our basement miserable in my puddle of tears. No one else was home. I think I chose this day to crack as I knew it was too scary to share this breakdown with anyone anyway. I just needed to let it all out, face my darkness and start crawling out of the hole I had dug for myself. I was tired of trying so hard to be perfect and seeing the reminders every day of how much I had failed at exactly that.

In the throes of my sobbing from that deep deep part of me, I heard a noise behind me. It was Mitch. He was suddenly there. Oh boy. It was too late to stop the flow, the release-- there was no way I would be able to collect myself and pretend that everything was okay.

He asked: What's wrong mom? Are you okay? He gave me a hug which just made me cry more.

"No"-- was all I could manage. No I thought, how can I be okay when the world feels like it is crashing around me. Everything I worked so hard to control is crashing and burning right in front of me. Even you. Especially you. I am scared for you, worried for you, lost in how to reach out to you.  Tired of trying and failing and trying and failing. At being a mother. At being a career woman. At being happy. At being me.

I have no idea what I am doing. Fresh tears tore through my gut. My heart. My whole self.

I think I said something to the effect of: "I will be okay."

But I didn't feel okay. It was a lie at that moment. I didn't feel like it would be okay at that moment. Or ever. I was sorry. I was sorry for being sorry. I was lost. I was unhappy. My stomach hurt 24/7 and I wasn't sleeping well either. I was just plain miserable. And ready for a change.

But what came out of my mouth was a mom thing:  "I will be okay I just need to let this all out."

"Sorry for what?" he queried.

"Everything. Everything I ever did wrong." I said.

Everything I have screwed up with you. With Alec. With Sadie. I am so sorry I thought.

"Mom, I am fine. I will be fine. You and dad are the best people I know. I want to be just like you when I grow up." And there were nicer words that followed but I cannot remember them. I could not hear them.

His first words struck a chord deep down in my misery.

What? Did he really just say what I think he said?

I stopped crying. And I began to breathe again.

From this seemingly unlikely source, the person I felt most disconnected from, and was most worried about--came the exact words I needed to hear to begin my journey forward. Back to me.

What I wasn't quite yet ready to admit to my son at that moment was this:

I am a joke. I am 50 years old and I have no idea what I am doing or how to really be me. One thing I know for sure is you do not want to be just like me.

You want to be just like YOU.

You are more than enough just the way are. No changes needed --just find and keep your center. It is the heart of you and all that is good. It is all you ever need.

Stay true to you. Don't let the world dumb you down, keep you safe, or stop your dreams. Live as YOU and the rest of your life will fall into place. Don't do things to please others, which is not to say don't be nice to others or show compassion and thoughtfulness, that is important too.

Just do what you know to be right for you --do not lose touch with your center and what feels right, though this is the secret no one tells us as kids. You are born knowing what is right for you.

We learn it someone else's way, through someone else's filter when we are young. And that is where the trouble starts, the losing our own center part.

My way is just that --my way.

And that means that your way is just that also ---your way.

Both are right. And both are occasionally wrong.

Both are enough. Both are important. Both are necessary.

Son of mine, you are: right, enough, important, necessary and LOVED.

“Wherever perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun. Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, which you see all the time in successful leaders, it’s not about trying to set goals and being the best we can be, perfectionism is basically a cognitive behavioral process that says if I look perfect, work perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame, ridicule, and criticism. It’s a defense mechanism.”

— Brene Brown

I'm not exactly sure when my safe world was rocked by the realization that my life wasn't going perfectly, but I do remember the day I hit rock bottom.

For several months my life had slowly been spinning out of control -- and I was helplessly watching it get worse and worse. I had worked for years to do everything right, to be perfect, but it was a grand illusion. A joke. All my worst fears were happening right before my eyes and there seemed nothing I could do to stop them.

I had lived under the false belief that if I did it all perfectly, everything would all work out perfectly. I hadn't yet learned that attempting to control my world would not lead to perfection, it would lead to disappointment, helplessness and eventually a deep sadness. It didn't help me escape the shame, ridicule or criticism I so despised either, no matter how much additional effort I applied to doing it right.

Worse yet I was attempting to do it all perfectly with an expectation-- an if... then kind of a thing. Always pinning my happiness on some future thing meant that I never actually got to be happy or satisfied in the moment, it was just a constant uphill battle that never arrived at perfect.

I thought that if I did everything right, beyond criticism, followed the rules, then... I would be accepted, appreciated, and loved for who I was. But that never really happened. The real me was hidden under so many layers of thinking I'm not good enough, even I didn't know who I was anymore. I was always looking ahead and striving to be more, to do it better, to be beyond reproach. That meant that any compliment I did receive was immediately negated by my mean voice, which never even allowed two seconds of time to take in the warm fuzzy feelings a compliment should bring. I was always three steps ahead and thinking about how I could have (should have) done it better. Or how I would get it 100% right next time.

My mean voice eventually graduated to pointing out flaws in things and people around me. Even that felt like rejection--I heard my mean voice giving up on me, as if I wasn't worth trying to "fix" anymore. I easily slipped into the persona of a glass half empty bitch.

Being able to see and sense my own flaws and imperfections made it natural to wait and watch for that same criticism from others. And if I was "right" about my wrongness, it gave my mean voice more fuel.

Deep down I think I knew I could never really be perfect, and yet that fervently remained my goal.

Giving my best effort should have been good enough. Perfection is the great illusion. To think otherwise, to live otherwise, indicates we are operating from an unhealthy place. My need for control, to be right and insulated from criticism caused my perfectionism to spill outward to everyone around me. It crossed boundaries into other people's space. It got ugly.

The worst part is that I could not get off the train. I could not let go, even though I knew that life would be so much easier if I just stopped trying to be perfect. On I plowed, so darn unhappy, so mean to myself, so scared that I would lose control and end up a failure --which in retrospect I kind of did anyway. Because there is nothing quite like an epic fail to grasp the lesson that nothing is ever perfect, even if it sometimes looks like it from the outside.

I know that I am "judged" a little every time I lead a yoga class, by someone like the 'me' I used to be. They will find flaws, mistakes, and truthfully so will I, only now I don't let them stop me from moving forward. When I forget the second side of a series of poses, or call out left when I mean right, or fall over--- I don't dwell on the mistake, I laugh it off. I make a joke.

I am finally able to recognize that I am human and I give myself a little grace. My best effort is all I really have, and that will have to be good enough. Even for me.

Related links: http://www.fastcompany.com/3026324/leadership-now/do-you-have-the-good-kind-of-perfectionism

A month ago I took part in a transformational leadership seminar. An interesting thing happened during the weekend long workshop, we had an assignment called 'Getting Off It' and I was supposed to call someone out of the blue and address something that had been bothering me, something I hadn't gotten over. This person may or may not have even known I was holding onto something.  In other words we were to reflect (soul search), be honest about something we'd buried, fess up to the person involved and move on.

I didn't do my homework.

(Usually a rule follower, unless they are dumb, which this wasn't, I questioned why I hadn't done it). Was there no one I needed to get over something with? Was it because I am no good at phone conversations about important things like forgiveness or moving on and would rather do it in person?

I think the real reason I didn't do it is because the conversation I needed to have was with myself.  I needed to 'get off' being mad at myself for continually making the same mistake over and over again.

In fact, that particular evening I had been beating myself up for having made the same mistake earlier that day. When am I going to learn that just because I can see what needs to be done to move something or someone forward, does not mean I should share it?

Over and over I cannot seem to stop myself from jumping in to help someone before they have even asked for help; before they are even ready.  I am aware of  this and yet I still let my enthusiasm and good intentions get the best of me, certain at that moment that I have read the signs correctly and my help is wanted.

At one of our break out exercises earlier that day we had to team up with another participant to answer some very deep personal questions. When it was my turn to answer them, I started out with confidence as I have spent the last couple of years answering those same questions myself. It wasn't until partway through my turn that instead of just answering easily I started to recognize that my listener, my "partner" was no longer "liking" my answers....she was slowly pulling away from me. I sensed that she was questioning my answers. Almost like she didn't believe me. I allowed her suspicions to get the best of me, and I started answering differently so she would stay on the same page with me.  I realize now I wanted her to like me.

I found myself saying things like "the old me would say this but the new me says this", and even as I did I could hear the voice in my head snidely asking if there were two of me? I could see that she was measuring herself up to me, competing with me --and I wanted her to stop. I knew how many hours of personal growth I had clocked to get to this point, I deserved to be confident in me. And yet, even as I continued on I heard myself explaining that I was still growing, that it was a practice every day to get rid of my old ways of thinking and become the me I was always meant to. I knew even as the words came out that I was saying those things to make her feel better, I really had moved on from my own mean voice and was confident in my self-awareness, my current assessment of "me". I could also see she was clearly not feeling the same way about herself.

I could empathize with her because I had lived for years with a similar judging inner voice who had often made me feel "less than" someone else, and I wanted to spare her that pain. My mistake was twofold, I should never have compromised my answers to make her feel better, and I shouldn't have told her that I had a book suggestion for her.

I really thought I had given up on worrying what others think about me and no longer compromised what I really wanted to say just to please others. I was wrong.

If I had answered the questions with complete confidence and honesty then maybe she wouldn't have struck back at me later in the day when we were asked to volunteer to give assessments of our initial impression of someone else. I was unprepared for her to deliver a negative assessment/assumption in front of the whole room saying I made her feel judged because I had gone into coach mode and offered her a book suggestion. (Funny that I never even gave her that book suggestion).  As part of this exercise all we could say in response to someone's assessment of us was thank you.

So I said "thank you" only my cheeks were smarting and my heart was racing. Apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed the aggressive way she delivered her "judgment" of me. Right after her comment many people piped up to say they were very uncomfortable with this exercise and the giving of negative assessments publicly. It caused quite a ruckus, someone even said they wanted to hug me. I wasn't mad at her for the assessment, I was mad at myself for momentarily slipping back into the old way of seeing myself through the eyes of others and attempting to change me to fit them.

Remember the "get off it" homework I never did? What I needed to get off of was to accept that I had made a gross error by once again worrying about what someone else thought of me. I should never have changed my answers to be more "accepted" by my partner, I should have just stuck with the truth. The truth is that I am happy with me. I have worked hard to be where I am and no one's "judgment" of me should change that.

So here is my late homework: Self --I am sorry that I allowed someone's feelings about me to derail my confidence in who I am. I am also sorry in my attempt to help this person I compromised myself by scaling back the answers about me, then jumped in with a suggestion for her and screwed the whole thing up. I am getting this off my chest, letting it go, learning my lesson and I am moving on. Right now.

And so it goes...

Giving myself permission to stop the madness and step off the fast moving train of life was probably the smartest thing I have done in a long time. At first it seemed selfish, but I’ve come to learn it wasn’t at all, it was necessary. I had dabbled in attempting to figure out specific areas of my life for a few years and I wasn’t making much progress. I realize now that I hadn't really tuned in. I had been looking outward for solutions when what I really needed was some quality "me" time to focus inward.

Oh and I hadn't been ready. 

I credit yoga with opening my heart enough to help me begin to see the light. Yoga “forced” me to make some quiet time and focus inward. Somewhere after I stopped using that quiet time at the beginning of class to create more to do lists in my head, I began to hear my heart. And clearly there were life lessons I needed to grasp before I could really begin  to make progress in my transformation process. Eventually I realized how much of my day was spent focusing outward trying to control things I had no business controlling. It helped me see that what I needed most was to tune into the quiet inside me, and to stop doubting what I heard. I really only needed to control one thing : me.

Maybe it is true that you cannot fully learn your missing life lessons until you are ready to understand them.

Question of the Week #42/ Are You Ready to Put Yourself First on the List?

If time after time the same things keep happening in your life, yet you hope for change, maybe you need to shift your focus.

Do you run from the quiet of your own mind? Or often wonder why certain areas of your life are stuck in a kind of groundhog's day? Is someone you live with,  love or work with entrenched in a rut and keeping you there with them?

Maybe you are missing some important signs because you aren’t giving yourself enough time to check in. What is really bothering you? Can you identify the root of the problem? Try to get whatever is bothering you clear in your mind’s eye ---then reflect, observe (from all angles), tune in to your inner voice and emotions and start figuring what you can change to attempt to fix things. Is your stress coming from something you need to let go of? What first steps can you take to be happier, more alive,  healthier or whatever you are feeling is missing from your life?

As a firm believer in asking myself the deep questions or in finding someone else to challenge me by asking them, I think the ONLY way to get to the best version of me is to be aware that I am stuck in an old pattern. Every week I run into someone who tells me they are “not the yoga type” –they say they like to move, or they can’t sit still, or they like to sweat or they are just too busy for yoga.

I nod because I get it. They aren’t ready. That was once me, and just like me, they will get it someday. From experience I know those people who say they aren’t the yoga type are exactly the people who need it most. But their time will come, and the good news is it is never too late to begin tuning in.

Please stop putting your name last on the list. Move “me” time to the top of that To Do list. Try some yoga or another mindful practice like Tai Chi or guided meditation and be ready to hear what comes to you in the quiet moments. Who knows maybe this will be your gateway to happiness, too.

Put yourself first, begin today.

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear.

- See more at: http://www.alanamokma.com/terris-take-what-ive-learned-so-far/#sthash.49eLG5Ag.dpuf