The square of ice over my heart melted last night, and made its way down my cheeks and out through my tears, in its place grew gratitude.

Letting go of expectations is freeing.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about the View From Here and while I was writing the post I grieved for what I thought I had lost; another chance at being the kind of mother (in this case grandmother) I wished I had been the first time around. Never ever imagining that a grandchild of mine would be born and not be a part of our daily lives, I made the mistake of looking at the situation selfishly and concluding that it sucked. I concentrated on all the negatives, what things I would be missing out on-- the "do over chance", the cuddles, the opportunities to spoil him--all ridiculously self-centered things. I worried that this child might someday think his biological grandparents didn't care about him. Those thoughts left me feeling sad, guilty and like the whole situation was a direct reflection of the type of parent I had been (or had not been) to my own son. It is very much a reversion to an old pattern of thinking that has ruled most of my life -- and it doesn't make me happy to admit I slipped backwards.

Proof that we are all human and even though we "know" better, it does not stop us from repeating our mistakes.

It took my grandson's incredibly gracious adoptive parents to show me that once again I was taking the glass half empty view. Instead of recognizing that my husband and I did well to raise a child who was able to make a hard decision in the best interest of his own child, I chose to focus on the things that didn't add up to what I'd once expected. What I failed to acknowledge was the awesome opportunity my grandson has to live the beautiful life he deserves. I realize now how fantastic it is that my grandson will be raised by a loving, beautiful, supportive young couple, who have been in essence just waiting for him.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend time with the couple that adopted my grand baby. As they shared a meal and traded stories (and laughter) with my own family, I was able to hold my grand baby against my heart and smell his beautiful baby smell while kissing his soft head. That snuggle I had once wished for.. became a reality, a moment I will never forget. I can already it see it being a happy place I will go when negativity tries to weasel its way back in.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

l see now that life has been preparing me for this life event for a while. Having an "almost daughter", whom I love with all my heart, I know what it feels like to love someone else's child as your own. DNA is clearly not the only requirement for being a parent.

A few years ago I would never of had the ability to understand that someone else could love my grandchild as much (or more even) than I could. And yet I have no doubt that they really do. He is theirs and he has not only their glorious love to grow up with, but the love of their extended family as well. How great is that! I know that they will make sure he knows we care and will send pictures and share the important milestones so that we feel a part of what is going on, without stepping on the toes of his real grandparents.

How silly of me not to have looked at the glass half full side of this experience to see that this adoption would end up bringing great joy and healing to another family. Where there was once a heaviness in my heart, there is now a bright light of love and thankfulness for the experience. 

And anyway I slice it, that is progress for me.

...is not exactly what I expected it to be.

And for the record I'm not talking about the view shown here; that one is beautiful. I'm talking about the view from this place in my life, it isn't exactly what I once thought it would be.

Did you ever think about the kind of mother, grandmother, dad or grandpa you were going to be, long before it was actually time for it to happen? I did. I'm a thinker, a dreamer....I have always loved other people's kids -- I have infinite patience with them, so I once thought I would be a really good mom.

Only I wasn't. Oh, I kept my kids safe, clean, fed, and attempted to teach them what I thought they needed to know, but I missed a lot of live-in-the-moment opportunities. I think I knew it too, at the time, but I couldn't stop myself. The to do list in my head was way too long, the responsibility to achieve, to make myself useful too ingrained.

As a young mother I felt the guilt of knowing I wasn't taking enough time to enjoy my kids. I realize now I spent way too much time doing the unimportant things, like keeping my house clean, sending out Christmas cards, or doing what I thought I needed to do look like I was on top of it all. (Homemade cookies for the boys' birthday treats, handmade gifts for teachers, whatever it was I thought people expected of me). I felt shame when I lost my temper, or rushed through bedtime stories, or listened to my boys with only one ear while I was intently focused on accomplishing  <something>, anything to prove my worth and my value to others.

But I powered on through my life hoping to make up for my mistakes one day -- when I was a grandma I was going to be awesome. My biggest fear was  that my boys would move away and I wouldn't be able to see my grand kids often enough. I wanted that second chance to do it right.

I would do it all differently,  I would appreciate every moment, read the books slowly so I could savor every minute of the snuggly cuddle and relish every sloppy kiss. I vowed not to care about spills or messes, instead I planned to enjoy my grand kids' uniqueness and quirky personalities. I loved the thought that I could have f-u-n with them and not have to feel the weight of responsibility of trying to teach them all that they needed to know to succeed in life. 

I hoped that while I never really shined at mothering, grand mothering would be my thing. I could dote, spoil, play, enjoy ---on my time, and then send them back home when I needed to. I would be a great grandma.

I never dreamed I'd be a grandma who didn't even know her grandson. But this is where I learned someone had another plan for me.

Because I AM a grandma, but I've never met my grandson. My grand baby is just over three months old now. He doesn't know me. Or my family (yet) because he was given up for adoption. A difficult decision, but not mine to make. I am glad it wasn't up to me, it takes a lot of courage to let go and I am not sure I would have been able to make that selfless decision, which was in the best interest of the baby.

I hear he has loving parents; I pray they think he is the greatest thing ever. I'll bet he also has loving grandparents who take time to savor the little moments with him.

The ultimate irony, right? Never put off the present moment for some time in the future because it may never actually come. And if it does, it may not be what you anticipated. It just isn't the way I saw it all happening, without me in it.

This grandma won't be savoring any snuggles, cuddles, stories, or little moments any time soon. I will be lucky if I get to meet him at all.

If I needed proof that the control I clung to for most of my life was a big fat waste of time; this is it. It is a perfect reminder to enjoy what is right in front of you, when it is right in front of you. Or you may never get another chance.

I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, and the view from here is one I needed to experience, even if it sucks, even if I don't yet understand it. 

Despite my valiant efforts to do so, I have come to recognize that clarity cannot be forced.

While 2013 was a year of incredible personal growth for me, punctuated by several aha moments and many life changing lessons, I still find myself wishing I could see my future. I've always looked ahead, honestly for a long time I knew no other direction to look, and as much as I now attempt to live right here in the present moment, there is a part of me that wants to leap ahead.

Like yoga, learning to live in the moment and allowing life to happen is a practice that requires a concentrated effort. Apparently reformed control freaks like me don't give up our control easily, even if we know it is the healthy and right thing to do. As part of my attempt to focus in the present and not ruminate away all of life's joy and spontaneity by worrying about the future, I have embarked on a mission in 2014 to write my way to clarity.

I'm starting by sharing a life changing moment from 2013, one that forever has altered the way I interact with the world around me. I am a Highly Sensitive Person. 

One Defining Moment

While listening to Susan Cain's book Quiet, right after realizing that I am not the extrovert I always thought I was, I heard the term highly sensitive person for the first time. Some of the characteristics of an hsp Cain mentioned did resonate with me, but I was so focused on learning that I was an ambivert (not an extrovert), I promptly forgot all about it.  It wasn't until a few weeks later that I actually heard the term again and discovered there was a whole book written about the characteristics of a highly sensitive person. Turns out it fit my personality description a lot more than I originally thought. 

Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person and Barrie Jaeger's Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person are two books I will never stop referencing. They have changed my life and also allowed me to help others understand themselves better as well. Not to mention how important they have been in helping me come to terms with what I considered a huge failure of mine -- quitting my last job after only a year.

For those of you who think that being a Highly Sensitive Person means you cry all the time; think again. It can mean that you are very emotional, but in many cases it is really about how you process the world. While 80% of the people in the world process using a sense or two at a time, an hsp experiences life through all their senses, all the time, making us more susceptible to overload. HSP's generally share some common traits; we think too much, border on perfectionism and are super self -critical, yet we are also uniquely different from each other. All hsp's are not created equal, which makes this harder to pinpoint.

In a strange but awesome twist, it seems that 'like attracts like' in the case of being an hsp. Most people that I have made an instant and deep connection with previously in my life are now reappearing and testing as highly sensitive people; some who have surprised even me.  As I meet new people in my yoga classes and in other parts of my life, the majority of them are turning out to be highly sensitive, too.

The reason I am posting this on my blog today is twofold: one, if my writing resonates with you --you might be an hsp yourself--to be sure, take the test. And two, if you are struggling with any of the things I mentioned above, I want you to know that I can help you. There are a few important tips I have come across that ended the struggles I once had. As a holistic mind, body + spirit coach, it only makes sense I should focus on what I know, and that is how to navigate through life as an hsp. Maybe some of what I have experienced will help you learn to appreciate your unique self, make better decisions about your careers and lives, and help you do it faster than the 50 years it took me.

Not sure if you might be an hsp? See if any of these characteristics sound like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person* is:

• Better at spotting errors and avoiding mistakes
• Highly conscientious
• Able to concentrate deeply
• Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed and the detection of minor differences
• Often thinking about our own thinking
• Able to learn without being aware of what we have learned
• Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions
• Specialists in fine motor movements
• More"right brained" and less linear, more creative in their thinking

To be sure, I recommend you take the test and then check out the books. Even if you don't test as a highly sensitive person, the information uncovered can still be extremely valuable. Chances are someone you live with, love or work with, is an hsp. It would be to your benefit to understand how they are different from you. And if you are an hsp and need a coach who understands the unique way your brain works, and has experience with your specific challenges-- please shoot me an email or give me a call.

My plan is to share more of what I have learned about living life as an hsp in future blogposts, for clarity and all....

Namaste,

Terri

*Excerpted from p. 10 of Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person.

For my last question of the week in 2013 I had hoped to come up with something great ---instead I find myself a little unsure of how to end this.

Growth is never completely linear -- and I recognize that not many people made it through 51 questions with me. Either real life got in the way, it was too hard, they lost interest or maybe there didn't seem to be any visible forward progress --- whatever the reason, I know not many people made it all the way to the end. For those who started with me and stuck it out, I thank you. For those who joined in late, I encourage you to go back to the beginning and finish.

I believe I mentioned before how it wasn't always easy for me to post a Question of the Week --and especially to do it on time. In the course of making and keeping this commitment in 2013, I discovered a few things.

1. Asking a question of the week is a lot harder than I thought it would be -- as my husband and kids will happily remind me of any chance they get, I originally thought about asking a question of the day....eeek! I learned that while I am always up for answering questions myself, choosing which question to ask a general audience is hard for me. I prefer the ability to ask questions one on one -- and to tailor the next question to the specific person and their answers.

2. I realize I don't like having a set deadline for my posts--never before was I a procrastinator at anything, yet  I found myself procrastinating on my question of the week often. I also did not like feeling that I couldn't release a post anytime the spirit moved me, who knew that I would be weird about deadlines?

3. I now understand that true growth comes in bursts and spurts, and it is not without set backs, disappointments and failures.  However, once you can look back and see how far you've come, it is worth every bit of effort. (Take note those of you who gave up on the questions -- you can always try again).

4. We all have a unique perspective on what being "brave" means. Some have said that I am brave to write what I write on this blog, as if they'd be too afraid to do it. For me writing about my life and what I have learned isn't brave at all, it is just truth. And since truth inspires me, and writing my truth is a way for me to process my experiences-- I feel it should all be shared; the good and the not-so-good. 

Question of the Week #52 / What is the bravest thing you have done in 2013?

Remember that everyone's idea of brave is as unique as they are, so all answers will be different. I am in awe of the true bravery I saw in others around me this past year. Some examples:

My almost daughter who took off on a true adventure joining AmeriCorps for 9 months, leaving everything and everyone she knew and traveling to 31 states while living out of a duffel bag.

My friend who survived a physical attack from the boyfriend she loved and who had to endure the heartache and guilt of letting him go and ending the unhealthy relationship.

My youngest son who faced many decisions and demons in 2013 and who grew up much faster than I wished for him to.

My friends and loved ones who face illness head on and do it with positivity, grace and unending faith.

My two friends who I have watched wrestle with their own grief and emerge on the other side to be beacons of light for their families who are losing, or have lost a loved one to cancer.

The many teachers I have met in the last year who face huge roadblocks and resistance from the children in their classrooms, yet who return to work day after day in an attempt to lead by example.

The bravest thing that I have done in 2013 is to learn to love myself for who I am, with all my faults and imperfections. I realize that every day I am not going to be the light I wish to be in the world, but if I always strive to be the best version of me I can be, I am doing pretty good. And that is all a person can ask of themselves.

Thank you to those who have traveled this last year with me. I see bright things for your future and mine, and am positive that 2014 will be extraordinary for us all.

Namaste.

How often do you discount your own thoughts and intuition? Daily?

When a niggling voice inside seems to want you to do something and you hear it but you talk yourself out of it anyway, why do you suppose that is?

Maybe you need to get out of your head and into your heart.

If you are living in your head (closing off your heart) you may second guess yourself often or rationalize that you are making things up, and start to tell yourself you can't possibly see, hear or believe in something your inner self just "knows". You think yourself right out of the correct decision for you.

Or how often do you hear a voice deep inside telling you that you are making a mistake and then go on and ignore it anyway --only to hear the voice later berate you for what you knew was not right for you in the first place? Your knowing inner voice can easily be drowned out by your own mean thoughts, and what you perceive others think is the best decision for you. 

The secret to trusting your intuition is to learn to hear your inner voice. It all starts with tuning inward.

What if I explained this by saying that you are thinking with a closed mind --maybe even a closed heart. Instead of allowing your spirit to soar with possibility you operate from a safe (yet fearful) place which ends up holding you back. What if your true inner voice and knowing cannot manage to break through the busy, action-filled, goal-oriented, accomplishment-based, self-critical shield you put around your heart to protect yourself?

If that sounds frustrating, futile and exhausting; it is. I've been there. Wouldn't you feel better if you could open up and crack through that shield  learning to hear, trust and accept your inner knowing?

When we operate from a place of fear (even if we don't yet associate the place we are coming from as based in fear) we will make decisions that go against our own intuition, and I guarantee we make life much harder than it is supposed to be.

I learned it the hard way. For me it was about attempting to work backwards from the future. I desperately feared being incompetent, unworthy, a burden to others so I worked way too hard to stay ahead of the game. I wanted to keep those I felt responsible for safe and failure free: my family, my children, customers, co-workers, pretty much everyone. I turned my focus outward when what I really should have been doing was focusing inward on me. This I now know only spells C-O-N-T-R-O-L FREAK and ends in FRUSTRATION. I was blocking my own ability to follow my intuition and flow easily with life. I was running away from myself instead of toward the inner me,  and I was making life too hard. It is not supposed to be that way, for anyone.

Question of the Week #50 / Are You Thinking with A Closed Heart & Mind?

If the answer to this question is yes, please do not ruminate for one more minute about getting help. Just do it. You are worth it, and it is not selfish or weak to need help. There are many qualified life coaches, therapists, and energy healers who can and will direct you to resources that will resonate with you and work for you.

Running away from our fears by attempting to control the outcome of our lives, something we have no real control over, is exhausting and causes us to miss out on all the JOY life is supposed to hold. 

My wish for everyone in 2014 is to open up and begin living life the way you were meant to.  There is no time like the present to begin, it really is all we have.