It bothers me every time I realize how many years I let pass by without really being present.

I used to live each day focused on how much I needed to accomplish and how many items I crossed off my to do list. That is how I measured my worth. It meant that I was always looking ahead -- and missing all the little moments of my life.

Recently I was asked to give a piece of advice to a soon-to-be new mom (who reminds me a lot of the overachiever I used to be) and the first thing I wanted to tell her was to enjoy every. single. moment. with her child, her husband & her family. I wished in words to impress upon her how important it is to stop planning each moment of her life and just live it.

I once so needed that advice.

But I wonder if  I would have listened if someone had tried to slow me down. Probably not. I think it was a lesson that I needed to learn. The hard way.

Looking back on my mothering years I see that the moments I tried to make matter --didn't. Not at all. My attempts at special moments simply flowed into the rest of the moments of their lives and were quickly forgotten (or remembered in all the wrong ways.)

The moments my kids remember are the unplanned, seemingly insignificant moments, some of them I'd just as soon wish they'd forget. Not my best moments. Not at all. Not the scrapbook memories I was shooting for, the "perfect" mother, "perfect" family moments.

They remember the actual unplanned off-my-script moments.

Like the time when I was sharing a story about a school field trip we had recently taken while attempting to say the word "sugarbush" with a mouthful of salad. I ended up spitting ranch dressing all down the front of my green fleece. Recently, within the span of a week or two,  both of my boys independently recounted that story to a friend. This happened years ago.

They recall the time I once let fly a huge swear word while driving the am school carpool after a chunk of metal flew off the car in front of us on the highway and I ran it over it. They still laugh and reminisce about the inappropriateness of the word I shouted.

Those are not really the moments I would hope they'd remember. 

Things like the tradition of cutting down our yearly Christmas tree, or our week of family vacation at the lake, or how clean our house was, the uniqueness of the homemade Christmas cards we did every year, or the countless other things I attempted to do to leave lasting memories just don't matter to them.

What they remember is being in the real moments of life. The moments that brought a laugh or a cry, a scream or a smile ---good and sometimes not-so-good, unplanned and inappropriate....but memorable. The little moments that make up a life.

I'm so ready to smell the roses. Every. Single. Minute. And to teach others the importance of doing so.

Yesterday I went for a walk to clear my head; even though it was one of those days where rain (hard rain) was imminent. I started off without my camera and am so glad I changed my mind.

Water droplets on fallen leaves has to be the coolest thing I have been obsessed with photographing in a long time.

When I look through the lens of my camera I am completely lost in the moment. In the simple beauty that is right in front of me. It is beyond fantastic to be able to finally truly see the beauty in all the simple moments.

Are you still missing what is right in front of you?

For years my life didn't flow easily.

In fact, it felt like I was constantly paddling upstream. I 'To Do' listed my way through days, weeks, and months of my life. I  judged my own worth by my accomplishments and didn't appreciate much of what I already had. I think I felt some inner need to stay ahead of the current so it wouldn't sweep me downstream. Wonder where I ever learned I had to paddle against the current instead of just going with the flow?

I realize now that life isn't supposed to be so hard.

Instead of allowing life to happen, and appreciating the little beautiful things every day -- I attempted to control the life around me. For years. As if my thinking about every outcome could prevent catastrophes from happening, as if I could ward off future failures and disappointments by doing everything perfectly. I'm pretty sure I thought I could save valuable time by being so darn efficient. What in the world ever made me think this was the best way? What was I saving the time to do anyway ---accomplish more?

Eventually the exhaustion and frustration that comes from continually swimming upstream overwhelms a person---it did me anyway. I became anxious, stressed, couldn't sleep, cried a lot, and was borderline depressed. No matter how perfect I attempted to make things, it was never enough. I felt stuck -- probably what I fear the most in life -- feeling helpless, trapped, unsure of my next move and unable to figure out how to get unstuck. 

One particular low point, as I began the process of digging myself out of my funk, was starting a gratitude journal and struggling to come up with anything to write in it. It all felt forced and insincere even to me. That is when I knew I had to make some serious changes.

Tuning in to all my emotions, the good and the not-so-good, flipping my reactions to responses when things got sticky, and being open to change instead of fighting it made a huge difference. I now can "feel" when control-mode attempts to creep its way back into my life, and I have strategies to stop it.

Over time I changed my negative thoughts, silenced my inner critic and started to see the beauty around me again. It took months of focused work, and some help from unexpected new friends, but I did it. I am proud of the changes I have made and the person I have become.

I no longer paddle upstream. In fact I have such a sensitivity to anything that feels like stress, worry, or control that on some days I don't pick up a paddle at all, I simply allow the current to guide me. I hope to never go back to my old way of being.

Flow is beautiful. Joy is energizing. Gratitude is exhilarating. 

Question of the Week #39 / When is the last time you felt like you were going with the flow of life's current?

What were you doing? Who were you with?  Where were you (specific place)? And, can you get there again?

Our thoughts are powerful.

Both what we think and how we think affects our attitudes, our energy and our ability to be thankful and happy. If we are stressed or unhappy, it can influence our jobs, our parenting, our relationships, or pretty much any area of our lives. Without even being aware of it, we attract negative energy. (And being in a funk can make it hard to feel thankful or grateful for anything.)

I know, I've been there.

So this week's question is: Do you have a grateful heart? If yes, make a list of the things you are grateful for. If no, maybe you need to make some changes.

At one point in my own transformation I could not find much to be thankful for. How sad is that? I look back at that time in my life and realize that I was in a big funk and could not appreciate all that I had.

Here are some entries into my gratefulness journal that got me started thinking positively.

I am thankful for:

A warm house.

A safe journey home for everyone.

A clean(ish) house.

A loving and patient husband.

Being able to stand up for myself at work without getting emotional.

A family who loves and supports me.

Children who challenge me.

Sisters. Friends. My yoga community.

Options. Choices.

Energy to set a goal and accomplish it.

I am so happy to have moved past that bleak time in my life when I could find little to be grateful for. I now appreciate the little things, the big things, and everything in between. I learned that we all have the ability to control how we react to the situation(s) in our lives. And we can choose to be grateful.

In answering the Question of the Week, if you find little to put on your gratefulness list, maybe something is not aligned properly in your life.

Here are some ideas to get you started on a path to appreciation.

1. Keep a spiritual journal -- write down when you experience special moments or meet inspirational people.

2. Share your gratitude with others --sometimes it helps you appreciate things more when you say them out loud to another person.

3. Create a morning or evening gratitude ritual of recording your thoughts. Choosing a time of day and staying consistent with that makes you look forward to that time to think and reflect.

4. Ask others what they're grateful for. Read blogs, ask friends or coworkers, or read a motivational book. Find a way to learn from others.

5. Use a gratitude token (a rock,) a charm-- or something, that you can keep with you and randomly encounter throughout the day to remind you to be thankful.

Gratitude is a spiritual, emotional and mental practice. Practice gratitude slowly, and watch it grow.