Despite my valiant efforts to do so, I have come to recognize that clarity cannot be forced.

While 2013 was a year of incredible personal growth for me, punctuated by several aha moments and many life changing lessons, I still find myself wishing I could see my future. I've always looked ahead, honestly for a long time I knew no other direction to look, and as much as I now attempt to live right here in the present moment, there is a part of me that wants to leap ahead.

Like yoga, learning to live in the moment and allowing life to happen is a practice that requires a concentrated effort. Apparently reformed control freaks like me don't give up our control easily, even if we know it is the healthy and right thing to do. As part of my attempt to focus in the present and not ruminate away all of life's joy and spontaneity by worrying about the future, I have embarked on a mission in 2014 to write my way to clarity.

I'm starting by sharing a life changing moment from 2013, one that forever has altered the way I interact with the world around me. I am a Highly Sensitive Person. 

One Defining Moment

While listening to Susan Cain's book Quiet, right after realizing that I am not the extrovert I always thought I was, I heard the term highly sensitive person for the first time. Some of the characteristics of an hsp Cain mentioned did resonate with me, but I was so focused on learning that I was an ambivert (not an extrovert), I promptly forgot all about it.  It wasn't until a few weeks later that I actually heard the term again and discovered there was a whole book written about the characteristics of a highly sensitive person. Turns out it fit my personality description a lot more than I originally thought. 

Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person and Barrie Jaeger's Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person are two books I will never stop referencing. They have changed my life and also allowed me to help others understand themselves better as well. Not to mention how important they have been in helping me come to terms with what I considered a huge failure of mine -- quitting my last job after only a year.

For those of you who think that being a Highly Sensitive Person means you cry all the time; think again. It can mean that you are very emotional, but in many cases it is really about how you process the world. While 80% of the people in the world process using a sense or two at a time, an hsp experiences life through all their senses, all the time, making us more susceptible to overload. HSP's generally share some common traits; we think too much, border on perfectionism and are super self -critical, yet we are also uniquely different from each other. All hsp's are not created equal, which makes this harder to pinpoint.

In a strange but awesome twist, it seems that 'like attracts like' in the case of being an hsp. Most people that I have made an instant and deep connection with previously in my life are now reappearing and testing as highly sensitive people; some who have surprised even me.  As I meet new people in my yoga classes and in other parts of my life, the majority of them are turning out to be highly sensitive, too.

The reason I am posting this on my blog today is twofold: one, if my writing resonates with you --you might be an hsp yourself--to be sure, take the test. And two, if you are struggling with any of the things I mentioned above, I want you to know that I can help you. There are a few important tips I have come across that ended the struggles I once had. As a holistic mind, body + spirit coach, it only makes sense I should focus on what I know, and that is how to navigate through life as an hsp. Maybe some of what I have experienced will help you learn to appreciate your unique self, make better decisions about your careers and lives, and help you do it faster than the 50 years it took me.

Not sure if you might be an hsp? See if any of these characteristics sound like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person* is:

• Better at spotting errors and avoiding mistakes
• Highly conscientious
• Able to concentrate deeply
• Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed and the detection of minor differences
• Often thinking about our own thinking
• Able to learn without being aware of what we have learned
• Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions
• Specialists in fine motor movements
• More"right brained" and less linear, more creative in their thinking

To be sure, I recommend you take the test and then check out the books. Even if you don't test as a highly sensitive person, the information uncovered can still be extremely valuable. Chances are someone you live with, love or work with, is an hsp. It would be to your benefit to understand how they are different from you. And if you are an hsp and need a coach who understands the unique way your brain works, and has experience with your specific challenges-- please shoot me an email or give me a call.

My plan is to share more of what I have learned about living life as an hsp in future blogposts, for clarity and all....

Namaste,

Terri

*Excerpted from p. 10 of Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person.

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — --- Paula Poundstone

I recently completed a passion mining exercise and surprisingly among my top 5 passions emerged this one: "Have more fun with friends and family."

I wasn't expecting to see fun among the top 5 but maybe that is because I don't actively spend time thinking about it. I guess I ruminate about things like purpose, meaning and how I can make a difference in the world and still provide income for my family so often, that I rarely think about fun.

I suppose it seems like f-u-n should just happen, but even as I purposefully attempt to slow my life down, I realize that some of us have to work at "fun" more than others. We have to be deliberate in making time for it. Left to my own devices I would oftentimes choose accomplishment over f-u-n. It is in my nature (and always has been) to set goals, to be efficient and to get things done. This exercise made me see that somewhere deep down I believe I am missing out -- or have missed out on some fun time in life.

It is weird that I can make myself a giant "to do" list of things I think I should get done,  in less than a minute -- pretty much at any given time. But creating a list of  fun things is more work than it should be. Each item I start to add to the list has so many buts attached to it: I'd like to write my book, but.....I really need to respond to the emails in my inbox in case one of them leads to my dream job. Or I'd love to spend the day making something out of paper, but I really should update my Linked In profile first. There always seems to be something more practical to do.

I have also come to realize that everyone has a different idea of what "fun" is. I imagine some people draw their ideas of  possibilities for new "fun" by watching others enjoying an activity. We might notice someone sailing for example, and think: "I should try that." Or maybe our idea of fun is based on an activity we used to love doing, and we think we'd be having a lot more fun if only we had time to ..... sew, paint, or grow a garden again.

But the truth is that finding "fun" can sometimes be a moving target. It can depend on our mood, our current job or life situation, the weather, our health, our attitude, even our unique personality and how we are wired on the inside. And I think  our ideas of fun change as we grow older, too.

So how often do you allow yourself time to rethink "fun"?   

The Question of the Week #27/  What Do You Consider Fun and Do You Need More Of it in Your Life Right Now?

Need help  jump starting your list? Here are something things that helped me rethink my idea of fun.

What did you do as a kid?

I am a big believer in thinking back to when we were kids and remembering what we spent our free time doing. One of my earlier questions of the week revolved around what roles you played as a kid. Now think about the activities you spent time doing, especially on rainy days. The things that interested you then, might actually help you think of things you want to do now.

Go big.

In other words don't let others tell you that your idea of fun isn't acceptable. If you like collecting things, or scrapbooking or reading children's literature or writing poetry, do it. Fun is as unique to you as is everything about you.

It's ok to change your mind.

Lots of people find that they love the idea of doing something but once they get started do not actually even like doing it. (Include me in this category). As we age our bodies change, our patience levels adjust, and our basic needs are different... so things we once found fun might not interest us anymore. Like dusting off that softball glove, or  putting on the roller blades.... clearly that would be entertainment only for those watching my attempt, not for the parts of my body sure to end up on the ground.

Here are my current ideas of FUN:

1. A day with no schedule, no responsibilities

2. Reading for hours (a real printed book)

3. Deeply connecting with someone via a face to face conversation

4. Helping someone see things differently, showing them a new perspective

5. Playing with my camera

6. Karaoke

7. GROOVIN' with friends

8. Taking a walk

9. Teaching someone something new

10. Relaxing in the sun

My choices are different than they once would have been. A lifetime of being an extrovert has left me with strangely introverted ideas of fun as I age. I now enjoy my time alone or with limited people around. I like doing less of the organizing I once thrived on. Instead I like to just be,  with time to think, to be more spur of the moment and to live without a plan. A few years back my list would have been filled with more active doing, and centered more around helping others have fun around me. Not sure if this new idea of fun for me is an age related thing or maybe I am now able to hear my inner voice, the one that is telling me to slow it down and take time to enjoy this life, or it will surely pass me by.

I'm curious about your list, did rethinking your idea of FUN change any of the things you thought would be on it?

Please comment and share... and don't forget to do something fun just for YOU this week.

I'm not a perfectionist. (Or at least that is what I always told myself anyway).  I admit that I am critical, have high expectations for those I rely on, and I set extremely high standards for myself, but that doesn't mean I am a perfectionist, does it? My view of that word has always brought to mind someone who is never 100% happy with any results, is rarely satisfied, and is possibly so paralyzed by their own inability to make something "perfect" they never accomplish anything. I hope that does not describe me.

The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman has a test in it. I've reposted it here for you to try. I highly encourage you to read the book if you wonder if your birth order has anything to do with your personality. (It more than likely does).

This Week's Question of the Week: Are You A Perfectionist?

How much of a perfectionist are you? To find out, fill in the blank next to each question below with a 4 for always, 3 for often, 2 for sometimes, and 1 for seldom. Now remember, be honest. The truth won't hurt!

_______  1. Mistakes -- your own or others' --irritate you.

_______  2. You feel everyone should be as driven to do his best as you are.

_______  3. You use the word should a lot --as in, "I should have taken care of that," or "We should meet on this immediately."

_______  4. You find it hard to enjoy success. Even when something goes well, it's easy for you to find the things that could have been just a little bit better.

_______  5. One small mistake ruins your day -- or at least your morning.

_______  6. Terms like good enough and just about right bother you, particularly on the job.

_______  7. You tend to put things off because you feel you're not quite ready to do the job right.

_______  8. You find yourself apologizing for something because you could have done it better if you'd had more time.

_______  9. When in a meeting, working in a team, or in any group situation in the workplace, you prefer to be in control of what is happening.

_______ 10. Realizing your deep need to have all your ducks in a row, you insist that those around you have their ducks in the same row (think exactly the way you do).

_______ 11. You tend to see the glass half-empty instead of half-full.

Scoring:

0-22 Why are you reading this chapter anyway? You're certainly not even close to being a perfectionist.

23-27 mild perfectionist

28-36 medium perfectionist

37-44 extreme perfectionist (you're too hard on yourself and everyone else)

I scored a 34. That makes me a medium perfectionist. I suppose I should have guessed that within my first-born personality is a little perfectionism. While I'd like to think I direct the worst of it at myself, I know there are times when my expectations for others end up a lot higher than they are ready for. Realizing the impact of this on my co-workers, my children and on the assignments I take on, I am learning to not only give myself a break, but to give others a break as well.  It's a work-in-progress for me, but I am making inroads.

So, how about your score? Did you end up with the result  you thought you would? I admit I was a little nervous to take this test, but I think the result is fair. They say that knowledge is power right?  Now I just need to use this information to make me better. And better for me might just mean relaxing my standards.

Next week is review week. If you haven't answered all 9 questions so far, please go back and catch up so we can look at all the results and begin to identify some possible personality patterns.