I believe in truth. And, I tell my story as often as I can in hopes that others will be inspired to make the life changes they need to live happier.
I made my own life change in 2013. It was then I stopped doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and started following my heart. So when I told someone last week I believed I had lived inauthentically for years, she sounded surprised and almost offended.
By inauthentic—do I mean I was a total fraud, did I lie and fake my way through life? No. But I did ignore the person I was at my core to be the person I thought I “should” be. I was the Terri who looked outside of herself to receive praise and affirmation my life and my person, were on track. I strived to do it better, make others happy, put on a good front, make a good impression, and to never let anyone down. But I did all this at the expense of denying my innermost need for less doing and more being.
For years I attempted to be perfect. The perfect wife, mother, hostess, worker bee, etc. I attempted to be above reproach. I pushed myself. I never sat still (except when laying in the sun). I kept very busy and organized. I organized things that were not my business to organize. (Like other people’s lives {sorry guys}). I tried to do the right things, say the right things, and never fail. I became so afraid to fail, I never tried anything I didn’t think I could do. My bubble of safety became so tight around me it threatened to choke me. By insulating myself from failure, I had inadvertently insulated myself from the joy in my life and as a result I became very unhappy.
I wanted to be perfect, beyond reproach because then, I mistakenly thought, I would be happy with myself.
I know I missed out on some of the best years of my life trying to be someone/something I was not. Trying to achieve the impossible brought me so far from happiness, I hit rock bottom.
Living authentically, to me, means being your true imperfect human self and letting your inner light shine without worrying what others think. It means not caring about what it looks like on the outside, not caring if what you believe is accepted by everyone else, letting go of judging and being judged, releasing the belief that everyone needed to like me. Living your truth.
No one is ever going to be perfect, you simply need to be good from the inside out.
I spent a lot of years trying to shine a spotlight on my worth so people would notice. I cared so much about what I looked like from the outside I gave away my own power. I let criticism and perceived slights and unhappy people derail and change me. Instead of slowing down to examine why I never felt good enough and why my mean voice was getting meaner, I expelled more energy trying to be better. It was like swimming upstream, against the current, and I became more negative than I like to admit. Operating from worry, anxiety, and stress affected everyone around me. One friday night my biggest fear came to fruition, I fell apart. In my mean voice’s opinion, I had failed at everything: life, parenting, being a good human.
My bubble of safety had cracked and the hot mess that was the real me was left exposed.
This splitting apart, this failing I had so feared, was really a gift. I began the journey back to my true self. It is an ongoing process that includes wrong turns and dead ends but I am learning to breathe again, to follow my heart and to build my worth from the inside. It is very much a practice, like the yoga I teach.
There has been progress, I no longer have a mean voice, instead she is an inner cheerleader and at my center I am quieter, and more peace filled. I am allowing my heart to lead me, my intuition to guide me and my life to unfold as it should. The reward is an authentically happier me.
