Making Her Choice

On the back cover of my book I allude to fighting my way out of the darkness, and every so often someone asks me what I meant by that. It is usually people who know me well, and have noticed that I am happier than I used to be, but go no further into questioning how I got there. Here is my best explanation of the journey I have been on to find my light.

When the boat of security she lived in first began to pitch wildly in the waves of her deepest, darkest truths, she felt a fissure of fear.

Even before her boat capsized, she understood she would drown.

In a sea of salty tears.

They came from somewhere deep. Somewhere foreign feeling.

A place she hadn't dared to go for a very long time.

She let herself sink into the depths of her sadness for she was so tired of struggling.

Maybe, she thought, if she just rested for a moment or two, she'd muster the energy she needed to soldier on. She gave into the quiet, calm and sank even lower. She pictured herself in the eye of the storm allowing the millions of thoughts in her head to slowly empty, until there was only one.

I am a failure.

With a jolt her feet hit rock bottom. No where further down to go.

She just couldn't muster enough energy to fight that deepest, darkest thought any longer. Immediately she felt the bleakness of her wasted life in every pore of her body. The would have, could have, should have's stacking up before her to be reviewed. She knew she had let everyone down, had let herself down worst of all. She was so far off course she saw no more possible paths to take. Was this the fall she feared she'd never recover from?

In the darkness of her soul came the words she needed to hear.

Everything will be okay, everyone will be okay. Let it go. You've got this. And oh by the way, You are worthy.

Fresh tears flowed as she let the words surround her like a blanket. Only this time the tears weren't the same. They didn't hurt as much, they were softer, warmer, meant to soothe not sear.

And as they warmed her cheeks, they warmed her heart a little, too. She felt a little less alone. The tiniest spark of hope begin to grow in her.

At one time giving in, giving up the reins of her life had been the furthest thing from her mind. The thought of letting go had only made her hold on tighter, try harder, do better. Now she knew her only option was surrender, she no longer had the energy to fight against the current of her heart.

She took a deep breath and some of the tight spaces in her body began to give a little.

Instead of dying in this low, dark space, she realized she actually could breathe a little easier here. The crushing weight on her chest began to lift and in the far corner of her dark soul a spark of light began to grow. The light was warm and comforting and filled her mind, heart and whole being with a feeling of acceptance, understanding, and ease.

It felt so refreshingly beautiful she was afraid to acknowledge it, fearful it would retreat and pull her back into the darkness.

But it grew brighter until it nearly filled her, and then she heard the voice again:

Inside everyone is darkness and light. Good and bad. That is the way it is meant to be. A person cannot be 100% perfect. That means there will always be darkness within you. But there is also light. So much light. You are no different than anyone else. You, like everyone, must learn to live in the light of you. Once you do, your mission here is to show others how to do the same. Teach others to dance in the light. Their own light. To take back their power.

And then there was quiet again. She wanted (as usual) to ask a million questions. To learn what she needed to do to stay in this welcoming light. She wanted to know how she could possibly teach others to find the light. She wanted help to do it all correctly, but no words came out of her. There was only the silence.

And in the blissful quiet of her soul she discovered she already knew the answer to her unasked questions.

I hold the power. I've had the power all along.

She was the answer. She had all the answers within. She always had. She needed only to believe in her own power, to be still and listen to hear the answers to her questions. In that quiet, calm space deep within her was all the knowledge she'd ever truly needed.

And the words she heard this time were her own.

I see you darkness. I acknowledge you are part of me. I understand that within everyone is darkness, and also beautiful light. I have a choice from which place I operate and I vow to live from this moment on in the light. I surrender my grip of control to a higher power for I know that I cannot see the whole picture from my tiny view. I will trust that I am enough, imperfectly as I am, and that I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will allow my life to unfold and to believe in my own power to discern the correct path. I will let my heart lead me to where I was meant to be all along.

And just like that she was filled with light. She was back home to herself. The same girl, yet forever different. Changed. Enlightened. Recharged. Renewed. Ready. Free. Hopeful. Reconnected.

Choosing never to be alone again.

For more in this series:

Losing Her Magic

Finding Her Worth

Garnering Her Courage

Inspirations, Personal GrowthTerriNovember 21, 2023awakening, enlightenment, inspiration, reiki, strength, truthComment

Is Reiki for You?

Here is one person’s story about how a recent reiki session affected her. Several things to note: she wasn’t finding relief anywhere else, she was open minded about trying something new, she had no expectations, and she surrendered to letting it work for her highest good.

Annie’s story:

About three and a half months ago, I went to sit down in my car and my life was never the same. I immediately had shooting pains starting in my lower back that shot down to my foot. I could not bend over, I could not sit comfortably, I could not even lay down without feeling pain.

After about two weeks I was able to get into a doctor and have x-rays taken. Before reviewing the results, I was told that I was most likely experiencing sciatica. After seeing my x-rays I learned it was much more. He put up the picture and began to explain, “I understand that you are having sciatic pain, and we will treat you to help with that, BUT…”.

My heart sank. “Why is there a but?”.

He continued, “you have a mild to severe case of scoliosis and your neck has almost no curve to it.” He continued to explain that these issues have helped to create the sciatic pain I was feeling. We created a treatment plan that involved me going twice a week for three months. After a few visits, my sciatic pain had slowly been decreasing but now I was experiencing intense pains in my head, neck, and back. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of pain I was in every day. My days consisted of trying to stretch, Tylenol, lidocaine cream, heat pads, baths, and endless tears.

At twenty-six years old, I began to picture my “new future”. Not the one that involved exploring nature, playing yard games with my friends, giving my niece piggyback rides or chasing her around the living room, riding bikes, swimming, singing, traveling or even dancing the night away at my wedding in just six short months – The new future I saw unfolding was terrifying. Am I going to be able to dance at my own wedding, or even walk down the aisle without being in pain? Is my fiancé going to want me still? After all this is not what he had signed up for at such a young age. Am I going to be able to hang out with my friends again?

I had started training myself to accept that the answer to all these questions was “No”. My life was forever going to be this way and I needed to accept it and move on. It’s worth noting that I have also struggled with anxiety and depression on and off for about ten years. These obstacles certainly didn’t help my mindset.

After sharing my thoughts with family, I was introduced to the idea of a Reiki session. I had heard some things about it, and I was honestly willing to try anything to make me feel better. The day of my session I was in a terrible mood. Sad, in pain, and part of me wanted to cancel.

Terri had created a whole environment in her house. When you walk into her home, you’re immediately filled with peace. She had a small conversation with me before we began, and she asked if there were any questions I had. She offered a definition of what Reiki was and how she would be performing it. She explained to me what my role was- to breathe. During the beginning of the session, I was unable to turn my thoughts off, but I kept breathing. Before I knew it, we had finished. Terri got me water and a blanket as we sat down to talk about the session. She told me what she saw and felt, which chakras were blocked, and what this all meant.

Going over the results of this session was weird. It gave words and descriptions to all the feelings I had been experiencing. It had seemed so obvious, yet I was never able to view it like this before. She had informed me that she had cut a tie that I had been holding on to for a long time. I am not going into too much detail as some of these things were extremely personal matters. We went over some helpful tools that I can use along my journey.

After I was done, I got in the car. My fiancé looked at me as thought I had just undergone an extreme makeover, so I asked him, “What?”, with a big smile on my face. He replied, “you just look different, you look happy.”

Reiki did not immediately take away all my physical pain. What I think a lot of us humans fail to recognize is how essential our mental health is to our physical health. When we feel bad on the inside, eventually it will be reflected on the outside, and vise versa. Being aware of the energy we possess and how it can affect us and the people around us is incredible. I think its also important to share that the work does not end with the session. You are responsible for looking deep inside yourself to fix what was once broken. Reiki does set you up for success in that it provides you with most of the tools you will need.

Reiki did help improve my mental health which in return did help my physical health. What I’m dealing with, physically, is a skeletal issue and will require a form of physical treatments. But what I deal with mentally impacts that physical aspect. After visiting Terri, my outlook has changed drastically, and my pain HAS been reduced. Not only that, but now I have a new outlook on life and a set of tools in my belt to continue to help myself.

Terri is truly talented. She is gifted with the ability to read this energy and how to interpret it. I was shocked to learn that I had been holding onto negative energy from my teenage years and even from my childhood years. I am thankful to have had this experience with her when I did. I would highly recommend Reiki with Terri. It is never too early, or too late, to learn about your emotions, your energy, and how to maintain your inner peace and happiness.

Personal GrowthTerriMay 13, 2022reiki, energy healing, chakra balancingComment

This is Not the Sun

Solar Plexus Rising | Chakra Painting with AI Inks | by Terri Spaulding

This is not just another painting of the sun.

This is what I “see” when I do reiki.

This is a solar plexus chakra (represented by the color yellow) showing me she is desperately wanting to shine. She is less than bright, after years of holding in fear, worry, anxiety, and the incredibly false belief she is not worthy of all that she desires. But that bright yellow center shows me she is working her way up and out of the mud she’s been stuck under.

As she fights to reclaim her happiness, and shakes off the junk she’s held in her gut for years, she is getting help from other energy centers in her body. Her throat chakra (represented by the light blue dots) where her true voice and her true self awaits, is aware that yellow is not standing in her power or in her truth, and needs assistance. The energy of the throat wants to help rekindle yellow’s flame, but cannot break through the barrier of mud , nor through the wall of lies yellow tells herself.

Also attempting to come to yellow’s rescue is the third eye chakra (represented by the dark blue dots and blobs). This chakra of inner wisdom is tired of being ignored and suppressed, and wants to get in to help yellow, too. But her attempt is blocked as well. Only when the solar plexus chakra is fully functioning, fueled with willpower and self esteem, can the third eye join forces and allow authenticity and gut instinct to lead the way.

And then there is the chakra of the heart, who is isolated in the middle. Since there is no balance, no flow of energy or cooperation from the energy centers, she is helpless to heal with her love. She grows tired of sending in love (represented by the green), with little to no acceptance, and begins to lose faith that she can make a difference.

This story of color in the painting above tells me the person within whom these chakra centers dwell is tired, overwhelmed and needs some mind, body + spirit restoration. At times, we all need help from the outside to guide us forward on our healing journey. If you are feeling off, or stuck, or unsure of how to begin your self-healing, schedule a reiki session with someone you trust. Even one session is enough to clear out some of your mud, restore balance to your energy centers, and set the foundation for continued self-healing.

I firmly believe in reiki’s healing power, as it once was the jump start I needed to reclaim my joy.

UncategorizedTerriFebruary 3, 2022chakra painting, art, reiki, colors, energy healing, intuitive paintingComment