We all have times in our lives when the light bulb goes off and feel we have learned a valuable lesson. It seems I have had a lot of those moments in the last year. So many so, I have started my own list. It is interesting (and maybe sad) that many of the "simple" observations below took me almost 50 years to learn. In the hopes that someone else may learn from them, I am sharing.

My Rules for Living in the Light

1. Accept that I will never get "there"

2. Don't be afraid to change directions (often)

3. Small steps often allow for the biggest progress

4. Grow everyday

5. What I am most afraid of I need to move toward

6. Believe in myself always

7. Operate from the positive

8. Remember that life is a journey and meant to be enjoyed

9. Reframe when necessary

10. Open hearts lead to open minds

11. It isn't a weakness to ask for help

12. Worry is a complete waste of time

13. I am the only thing I can really control

14. Never doubt my gut

15. Saying no is freeing

16. Time for myself is necessary, not selfish

Question of the Week #47 / Have You Started Your Own List of Rules To Live By?

Sometimes I learn best through others, so I'd be honored if you shared some things that you have learned in the comments. Perhaps I can even add them to my own list.

I am thankful for each and every reader of this blog.  Happy Thanksgiving.

--Namaste

I'm excited to announce that together with friends I have started a new venture called Soulistic Sisters. Our first event is on Wednesday, December 4 at 7 pm. If you are looking for more personal peace and calm in in your world, start by attending our first Soulistic Sisters Event called: A Night of Soulicious Pampering.

This one centers around meditation and how it can help you find your own personal peace and calm for the upcoming holiday and keep it throughout the new year.

Here is the link to our invitation. I hope you will join us.

Our goal is to offer events that bring women together for an opportunity to experience  holistic ways to grow and nurture their souls, while also having fun and making new friends.

How many times have you noticed a quality in someone and wanted it for yourself? Maybe it's an energy surrounding someone, or a sureness of being, or just an attitude that we admire in someone that makes us think: I want that. I want what that person has.

What is really interesting is that when we dig deeper we may find that we don't want to be anything like the person we so admired. All we really want is to find our own confidence, to discover the sweet spot within us, and let the world see our best light in an instant. I define a person's "sweet spot" as that place where things just flow --- where you aren't engaged in an uphill battle, and are doing what comes naturally. I'd call it a place or an opportunity where you don't have to try so hard to just be you. For me it is that place where personality, experience, skills and passion align. My sweet spot. Your sweet spot.

But where is our personal sweet spot? We all have one, it just might not be obvious to us in our day to day lives.

It all leads back to the question: what are you really good at?  What are you doing when you feel the most confident in yourself? What do others say you excel at? Are those two perspectives the same?

I've spent the last four years examining myself from the outside in, and the inside out. I've discovered some really awesome things about my strengths and a whole slew of shortcomings that I need to pay attention to.

Here are some observations I made about myself:

I need to know the big picture -- the purpose of something before I can get behind it --without that, I flounder.

I like the autonomy to do it my way --without a detailed recordkeeping process along the way. (Mainly because I rely heavily on intuition and steps that I take don't always make sense until the results are in).

If I do not feel a valued part of the team, I lose confidence in myself.

I need an explanation. When you say no to something I am okay with that, as long as you tell me from your perspective why it is a no. (This doesn't mean I won't debate it with you if I think I am right, but knowing where your answer came from is often enough for me to gain the perspective I need).

I love perspective, I love to hear your "take" on a situation, and I am irritated when I am not asked to give mine. (If I haven't got a relative perspective to share, I'll tell you so --- but I almost always do.) That comes from 50 years of living, working, being married, and parenting I think.

Question of the Week #46 / What is Your Sweet Spot?

I've thought about this question a lot. It boils down to connection for me. I am great at connection. One on one or in a group, I thrive there. I love to be a catalyst, to use my abilities to see things from all perspectives, my empathic skills and my intuition (aka my dot connection ability) to move a person or an idea forward. That is where I operate easily, on flow, like I am floating downstream and not struggling to go against the current.... it is my personal sweet spot and now that I have found it, I plan to stay here.

I've spent many hours uncovering my sweet spot and making sure I knew what it takes for me to operate in flow, have you found your space yet? If not, I can help.

If you have already found yours --make sure you stay there.

Because there, life is beyond happy.

As she walked through the front door, her head ensconced in a gray sweatshirt, I immediately registered two things: Sadie was in a rotten mood, and something was different about her bangs. "Did you get a haircut?" I asked, thinking she'd be pleased I noticed.

There were tears swimming in her eyes as she looked hotly out from under her hoodie and verbally shoved me away with an "I don't want to talk about it."

Uh-oh. That's the for sure sign that something isn't right with her. Normally all cycles of unsettled "ness" in her emotions result in a change of some kind, usually of a large scale.  Once it was an uncomfortable (and not terribly attractive) lip piercing, another time it was a multicolored hair extravaganza (think bag of skittles), and this time it was an impulsive new haircut (following on the heels of a long and painful period of attempting to grow it out). From the look on her face it was obvious this haircut hadn't turned out like she'd hoped.  

Two things hit me instantaneously: it wasn't really about the hair, and the things on my evening "to do" list were going to have to wait. Sadie needed me.

Sometimes truly living life means you have to deviate from your well-crafted plans. You need to allow life to happen. While I may have had a list of things I wanted to get done that night, I've learned the hard way--- they weren't what mattered.

Sadie mattered. 

The chance to connect with my almost daughter wasn't going to wait until I was done with my accomplishing. I needed to concentrate on her. So we sat. We talked. We may have even cried. In the end, we connected and that, to me, is the juice of life. Connection, caring, and conversation is powerful stuff.

Question of the Week #45: Are You Taking Full Advantage of Every Connection Opportunity That Comes Your Way?

All people, especially our children, need to know that we are willing to put them first, ahead of the do lists and the well-intentioned plans. As parents and mentors, our chances to lead by example pass quickly, if we don't take advantage of them when they are right in front of us, we may not get another chance.

These days I take advantage of every opportunity I can to connect with those around me, especially my children. How about you? Are you allowing time for those who need you?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

— Marianne Williamson

Question of the Week # 44 / How do really feel about your body?

Do you appreciate it? Own it? Celebrate it? Or are you like most people and wish it were different somehow; maybe thinner, taller, or stronger? Do you find yourself wishing specific parts of your body were smaller or flatter, or bigger?

I recently looked back at a picture that was taken over 18 years ago and marveled at how thin I was then. Then I remembered at the time the picture was taken I hadn't considered my body thin at all, even after the 5 miles a day I was running and the strict fat free diet I had been on for months. How could I have been so blind?

Oftentimes we cannot see ourselves for who we really are. I have said that before in the context of not being able to recognize our own natural talents, and I realize we do a similar thing in how we perceive our bodies. 

Will I think the same thing 10 years from now about my current body? That I should have appreciated then how young I looked, or how age spot free my face was, or how my healthy my skin felt? This thought scares me enough to want to work hard on changing my thoughts and changing how I talk about myself. These days I'm attempting to value and appreciate what I have, even if there are still things I would change about my body, so my next experience pulling up an old photo will be quite different. 

Ten years from now I want to remember how great I felt on the day the picture was taken, how strong, how powerful, how healthy, how HAPPY, how lucky I was-- instead of remembering how I'd held my arm away from the camera so it wouldn't look so fat.

If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice-- I'd tell myself to think better of myself and to love my body for what it is and not think about what it isn't. I will take that advice forward starting now and not waste my breath kicking myself for all the years I wasted trying to make my body something it wasn't, and will instead work to help others see and appreciate their own unique beauty right now in this present moment.

You are beautiful.

Heck, so am I. Let's start enjoying it.

A while back I wrote a draft of a post about my inability to say no, but never actually posted it. It was originally titled "My Get Up And Go, Got Up And Went".

Since then I have learned to be better about saying "no" and more adept at sticking to it. Just like any changes to a lifelong routine, it takes continual effort but I'm happy to say there has been forward progress. In the course of my new work week I run into many people who struggle with the same overachiever problem--especially others who are HSP's (Highly Sensitive Person).

The good news is with a little focus and effort, it does get easier! It really does. I feel better about saying "no" to things that interest me (heck, what doesn't interest me--except maybe math) especially when I give myself permission to change my mind later and say "yes" if the timing is right. Getting the extra responsibility off my shoulders and off my to do list is not only a load lightener but a joy generator-- something many people could use more of.

Ready to try it? You can do it, you can say "no" to things others want you to take charge of--it is not only empowering and confidence building, it also allows more time for what gives you JOY.

Here is the post I originally wrote when I was struggling, see if it resonates with you. 

Everyone seems to be putting up posts lately about learning to say no. To eliminate the things that are putting undue stress on you, and to focus on what makes you happy. Most of them say to cut back, to stop saying Yes and to slow down.

Here's my problem with all this advice. What if everything I am saying "yes" to, is something I totally want to do? Even worse, what if they are all things I feel compelled to do. Like now. Like right now. I seem to have a sense of urgency about these things, which in itself also scares me a bit.

It is making me lose my mind. Okay not my mind really, but everything else: receipts, lists, papers, my get up and go, especially my memory.

I am used to doing things myself, used to taking charge. That trait can be both a strength and a weakness. This time it might be a giant weakness. What I want/feel the need to accomplish is more than one person can do alone, especially when I get diverted by others asking for my help accomplishing the things on their lists. I have confidence I can help them but what I need to ask myself is "do I really want to take the time to help someone else achieve their goals when mine are still sitting there waiting to be worked on?"

I should be better about asking for help, I have good ideas about things that should happen, things that one person cannot accomplish alone.  I should also say no to things that don't fit with my bigger plans as well. Yet, I stink at both.

I changed my thinking around after this draft and concentrated on the positive of telling myself I would know the right times to say no, and the right times to ask for help. So far, it's working.  I've been getting better at both and life seems to be a lot more joy filled lately.

Take your power back, begin by nicely saying "no".

Balance is important in life.

Most days I spend time interacting with people, lots of people. Some need coaching help and ask for it, some don't. I meet new people every week who have a great sense of themselves, and I meet others who are lost. I've learned (sometimes the hard way) that a coach's job is not to "help" everyone they meet -- it is to assist those who are ready to find what is missing in their life.  

Part of being a good coach is being able to operate from a calm place; which is hard for someone like me who not only gets energized by others, but who energizes others. I can get incredibly fired up just talking to someone. Watching a growth moment unfold for someone else is like opening a present for me. Those moments of watching another person's eyes glow with self realization are among the best moments of my life. Helping others find clarity makes me feel alive, but the converse is also true. The ability to connect dots and draw conclusions quickly can be frustrating when you encounter people not quite ready to move forward --- it can be draining.

I am slowly learning that I need to keep my emotional distance and retain my personal balance in order to be fully ready to assist those who come to me for help.

One of the ways I have found  to restore my sense of balance is to get outside and be among the trees. Trees soothe and ground me, and reconnect me to my center of peace and calm. It is unhurried time for me, I need it, I know it and yet I have to work to build it in my schedule. Time with the trees has become a necessity for me.

My fascination with trees started at a young age when I would head north every weekend to our family cabin. It is surrounded by trees, sits next to a river and has virtually no human neighbors. As a first born I was often alone in the peace and quiet of the forest. The trees were my friends, and since it feels really natural to "talk" to them now as I walk amongst them, I am pretty sure I also did that as a kid. My love of trees has stayed with me all my life even though for years my control freak self took over and drowned out their effect on me.  

This summer of stepping back from that controlled life, and not working a full time job, allowed me to be among the trees again at my own cottage. It was there that I realized how much I had missed quiet walks (no mp3 player) listening to the magic sounds of the trees rustling in the breeze. It was there I rebalanced.  

Teaching yoga I almost always add tree pose to the practice. I find it personally grounding and believe we all need to learn balance. When I talk a class through tree pose I remind them of the beauty of trees, how they are solid,  and remain stationary at their roots yet flexible in their branches. Tall and strong from the ground up and yet able to bend with the flow of the wind and the elements or the weight of a squirrel in their uppermost branches.

When I mention that trees speak to me, I am not exaggerating. I chose the photo for this post because it is a beautiful representation of nurture. Look at how the big tree is cuddling the little tree (with the long legs). Reminds me of a momma and her baby. I cannot see this as just trees in the forest--it is an example to me of life. Whether I see a stand of trees or a forest of trees, or one tree standing alone, I see them as representative of the people I encounter daily and their challenges and strengths.  So many lessons to learn from them, so much clarity to glean from their wisdom. 

I will be closing my cottage this weekend and I will miss my trees. Knowing how important they are to restoring my balance, I will either find others closer to home to "talk" to and learn from this winter, or I will make the drive up to see mine. They are necessary to balance me and keep me operating as the best version of me. 

Question of the Week #43 / Where Do You Go to Restore Your Balance? 

If you haven't found a place, I encourage you to do so. We all need to create time and space to renew, rebalance, and recharge. See you in the forest?

Giving myself permission to stop the madness and step off the fast moving train of life was probably the smartest thing I have done in a long time. At first it seemed selfish, but I’ve come to learn it wasn’t at all, it was necessary. I had dabbled in attempting to figure out specific areas of my life for a few years and I wasn’t making much progress. I realize now that I hadn't really tuned in. I had been looking outward for solutions when what I really needed was some quality "me" time to focus inward.

Oh and I hadn't been ready. 

I credit yoga with opening my heart enough to help me begin to see the light. Yoga “forced” me to make some quiet time and focus inward. Somewhere after I stopped using that quiet time at the beginning of class to create more to do lists in my head, I began to hear my heart. And clearly there were life lessons I needed to grasp before I could really begin  to make progress in my transformation process. Eventually I realized how much of my day was spent focusing outward trying to control things I had no business controlling. It helped me see that what I needed most was to tune into the quiet inside me, and to stop doubting what I heard. I really only needed to control one thing : me.

Maybe it is true that you cannot fully learn your missing life lessons until you are ready to understand them.

Question of the Week #42/ Are You Ready to Put Yourself First on the List?

If time after time the same things keep happening in your life, yet you hope for change, maybe you need to shift your focus.

Do you run from the quiet of your own mind? Or often wonder why certain areas of your life are stuck in a kind of groundhog's day? Is someone you live with,  love or work with entrenched in a rut and keeping you there with them?

Maybe you are missing some important signs because you aren’t giving yourself enough time to check in. What is really bothering you? Can you identify the root of the problem? Try to get whatever is bothering you clear in your mind’s eye ---then reflect, observe (from all angles), tune in to your inner voice and emotions and start figuring what you can change to attempt to fix things. Is your stress coming from something you need to let go of? What first steps can you take to be happier, more alive,  healthier or whatever you are feeling is missing from your life?

As a firm believer in asking myself the deep questions or in finding someone else to challenge me by asking them, I think the ONLY way to get to the best version of me is to be aware that I am stuck in an old pattern. Every week I run into someone who tells me they are “not the yoga type” –they say they like to move, or they can’t sit still, or they like to sweat or they are just too busy for yoga.

I nod because I get it. They aren’t ready. That was once me, and just like me, they will get it someday. From experience I know those people who say they aren’t the yoga type are exactly the people who need it most. But their time will come, and the good news is it is never too late to begin tuning in.

Please stop putting your name last on the list. Move “me” time to the top of that To Do list. Try some yoga or another mindful practice like Tai Chi or guided meditation and be ready to hear what comes to you in the quiet moments. Who knows maybe this will be your gateway to happiness, too.

Put yourself first, begin today.

Question of the Week #41/ Are You Attempting to Be the Best Possible Version of You?

I am currently leading a courageous and inspiring group of women through some personal growth classes. At our first class one of the younger members of the group gave me the best answer to this question: "Why are you here tonite?"

“I’m here because I want to be the best version of me that I can be.”

I paused for a moment to appreciate the chills I got after she answered, then thought: That is so cool. She’s got it. That expresses perfectly how I feel and what I now try to do everyday.

Don’t we all really want to be the best version of ourselves that we can be?

Well maybe not. I can say that five years ago I hadn’t even thought about it at all. I considered myself too busy and I was too focused on accomplishing everything on my To Do list to take the time to sit still and think about me. It felt selfish, like a luxury I couldn't afford the time to indulge in, so I failed to take time to work on me.

Maybe a bigger mistake is that I really thought I didn’t need to work on personal growth. I was in what I considered a content place-- happily married, working, and doing my best to raise successful kids. I thought self help books and personal growth classes were for those people who had been through difficult times – and I hadn’t. I had experienced no childhood trauma, had never been without a job for more than a couple weeks, was healthy and had never endured a great loss or hardship. I was happy, responsible, and safe. Life was good.

What I see and know now is that it should have been, great. Focusing inward needs to be a continual practice and I had put myself on the back burner. No one was getting the best version of me, and wouldn't, not until I worked on myself to make sure I was firing on all cylinders.

I see now that if I am healthy and whole my loved ones get the best parts of me, not the worst. Don't make the same mistake that I did, take time to work on you and be all you can be. I’ve learned that just going through life safely and responsibly only allows a person a tiny slice of what real joy and real happiness can be.

Take time to cultivate you and the world becomes a brighter, lighter place for everyone.

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear.

- See more at: http://www.alanamokma.com/terris-take-what-ive-learned-so-far/#sthash.49eLG5Ag.dpuf

How many times have you had a day (or an event) all planned out, every last detail under control and then something happens to bring on chaos? A burned dessert, a sick kid, a traffic tie up, an unexpected expense, or a last minute injury. Whatever the circumstance, it creates a disruption.

Most of us can relate to times in our lives when our carefully laid plans took a back seat to something out of our control, times when we had to let go of our expectations and attempt to adjust or accept an altered plan. The way we deal with these unexpected changes says a lot about us. So do you fight them or accept them?

Question of the Week #40 / How do you handle life's unexpected changes? 

Recently I had the opportunity to spend a day and a half with two really cool people. In the course of our conversation a story (or two) came out, about how we have reacted in the past to being thrown off by the unexpected. Being a reformed control freak, I admitted that I have not always (or maybe ever) reacted calmly when this happens to me.

My friend shared with us her coping technique and it has helped open my eyes to a better way to handle things. When something unexpected and maybe not so positive occurs in her life, rather than reacting with anger, frustration or stress, she takes a deep breath and shouts "plot twist".  It stops her negative reaction and ends up giving her the perspective to see the situation for the temporary disruption it is, then allows her to respond accordingly. Shouting "plot twist" is like telling the universe "ok, I can handle this."

I've been using the "plot twist" idea to remind myself when unexpected changes occur, that all is still ok. My new lighter way of being believes that everything happens for a reason-- even if it isn't exactly what I was planning. That little bit of a reality check reminds me to stop resisting and go with the flow. So far, it seems to be working rather nicely.

The struggle is part of the story. 

For years my life didn't flow easily.

In fact, it felt like I was constantly paddling upstream. I 'To Do' listed my way through days, weeks, and months of my life. I  judged my own worth by my accomplishments and didn't appreciate much of what I already had. I think I felt some inner need to stay ahead of the current so it wouldn't sweep me downstream. Wonder where I ever learned I had to paddle against the current instead of just going with the flow?

I realize now that life isn't supposed to be so hard.

Instead of allowing life to happen, and appreciating the little beautiful things every day -- I attempted to control the life around me. For years. As if my thinking about every outcome could prevent catastrophes from happening, as if I could ward off future failures and disappointments by doing everything perfectly. I'm pretty sure I thought I could save valuable time by being so darn efficient. What in the world ever made me think this was the best way? What was I saving the time to do anyway ---accomplish more?

Eventually the exhaustion and frustration that comes from continually swimming upstream overwhelms a person---it did me anyway. I became anxious, stressed, couldn't sleep, cried a lot, and was borderline depressed. No matter how perfect I attempted to make things, it was never enough. I felt stuck -- probably what I fear the most in life -- feeling helpless, trapped, unsure of my next move and unable to figure out how to get unstuck. 

One particular low point, as I began the process of digging myself out of my funk, was starting a gratitude journal and struggling to come up with anything to write in it. It all felt forced and insincere even to me. That is when I knew I had to make some serious changes.

Tuning in to all my emotions, the good and the not-so-good, flipping my reactions to responses when things got sticky, and being open to change instead of fighting it made a huge difference. I now can "feel" when control-mode attempts to creep its way back into my life, and I have strategies to stop it.

Over time I changed my negative thoughts, silenced my inner critic and started to see the beauty around me again. It took months of focused work, and some help from unexpected new friends, but I did it. I am proud of the changes I have made and the person I have become.

I no longer paddle upstream. In fact I have such a sensitivity to anything that feels like stress, worry, or control that on some days I don't pick up a paddle at all, I simply allow the current to guide me. I hope to never go back to my old way of being.

Flow is beautiful. Joy is energizing. Gratitude is exhilarating. 

Question of the Week #39 / When is the last time you felt like you were going with the flow of life's current?

What were you doing? Who were you with?  Where were you (specific place)? And, can you get there again?

Do You Frequently Feel Like A Dumping Ground?

Ever cringe when the phone rings and the caller id shows the name of a friend who is prone to talking longer than you care to talk? Or when a coworker traps you in the lunchroom and unloads a list of complaints against another coworker, or a boss? Even a quick lunch with a friend can sometimes lead to the exchange of too much information.

One way to determine if you have experienced a dump is if you feel drained, agitated or stressed after the conversation. Maybe the things shared were too personal, making you feel uncomfortable, or they are negative about someone you know, or maybe you are just sick of hearing the same old, same old over and over again with no change in sight.

If you are wondering what you can you do to make sure you don't continue to be a dumping ground, start by setting some personal boundaries.

A boundary is defined as something that indicates limits.

While you might be willing to listen to a friend talk about their bad day at work, you may not be willing to hear them bash their spouse or partner. Only you can know what your personal limits are, and it is up to you to effectively communicate these boundaries. Chances are your friend doesn’t realize they are making you uncomfortable, especially if they have shared this kind of information with you in the past, and nothing was ever said.

While it may feel a bit uncomfortable to tell them how you are feeling, in the long run everyone will feel better about the situation if you tell the truth. It can’t really be beneficial to your friend to have you answer the call with an attitude, and a predisposition to listen with only one ear, or to rush her off the phone.  And you will not feel good about the friendship if you feel drained after every interaction or conversation with her.

It is up to you to set your personal limits.

Try these simple techniques next time you find yourself in the awkward position of being on the receiving end of a friend or coworker dump.

Redirect. Divert. Change the subject. Whatever you decide to call it, you are taking control of the situation and moving it to safer ground. Find something that you can handle talking to your friend about and settle in to listen.

Limit the time you have. From the very beginning of the call (or meet up) set your time boundary. "I only have 5 minutes before I am leaving the house" in the case of an unexpected phone call, or "I have about 10 minutes before I need to get ready for my next appointment" to the coworker stopping you in the lunchroom. When on a lunch date with a long-winded friend gently remind them before you have to rush off that it is indeed a lunch "hour" and you really need to get back to work on time.

Choose a time that you ARE willing to listen. No one likes to be interrupted when they are under a deadline or in the middle of something, so if you know your friend needs to let off some steam, choose a time that works for you. Set aside some time on the weekend, or a weeknight and be specific on the start and end times you are available. Give your friend your undivided attention within the timeframe of your choosing.

Speak up. When all other efforts have failed and you cannot endure another conversation, say something. You will feel better about being honest, and your friend or coworker will eventually feel better knowing how you feel. They deserve to be heard, and someone else on their friend list may be more willing to listen.

Don’t feel guilty. Think about it, would you want a friend to keep quiet if they felt you were repeatedly dumping on them? You’d want them to tell the truth, nicely of course. So treat them as you would wish to be treated by them.

Keep this simple adage in mind: one of the best ways to help other people feel happier is to be happy yourself. Setting your boundaries might be just the ticket to happiness all around.

Question of the Week # 38 / Have You Set Your Personal Boundaries?

Do you know what you want out of life? I presume you'd like to be happy -- most people would certainly choose being happy over being unhappy. Yet I bet you are sabotaging that happiness a little bit every day.

A few years back I was introduced to the Law of Attraction. I discounted it at first, thinking it sounded a little out there...."ask for what you want and the universe will provide it." Yeah, right....well the skeptical "yeah, right" part of my thinking was actually the only part of my thinking the universe heard. For a long time.

For example, my dream might have once been to write a book, but if I never actually wrote anything down, or ever started writing a book -- because I kept saying I didn't know where to start, the universe would give me back exactly what I was asking for in my thoughts ---confusion about where to start. So, no book.

How many times does this happen to you? You say you want one thing, only you think deep down that it will never work. Or you are stalled by a "yeah but" thought.... the kind that says it will never happen because it is only my dream-- it will never actually come true. Or I don't have enough talent or skill (or time) to do this and even if I did, no one would buy it/read it anyway. There are a multitude of ways that doubt, fear and negativity can creep in and ruin our good intentions.

Think about it this way. What if the universe gave you a response to every thought you have? That'd be sort of bad, right? I mean, we all have bad days...and bad things keep happening to us, and the next thing we know we are angry or sad and our thoughts end up in a negative place that even we aren't comfortable with.

Let's say that in this universe it is possible to get a response to every thought you send out. And negative thinking outweighs positive thinking every time. That means if you say one thing, and think another (negative) thought deep inside--the doubt, fear, criticism side will be heard and will attract that back to you.

How many times have you had a great idea, or mentioned that you really didn't like something that you were assigned to complete because it wasn't what you were good at or that you didn't like doing, only to have someone say something to the effect of: "Well we can't all do just what we want to do."

I've come to understand that is very negative thinking and just plain wrong. People say that only because they think they can't have what they want, or aren't able to do what they do easily.

But why? We actually can. But not when we don't trust in ourselves fully. The voice of doubt inside will attract exactly what you don't want--if you let it have free reign.

Question of the Week #37 / What Do You Really Want?

I encourage you to dig in and figure out what you really want...then think yourself there. Affirm it. Say it in the form of an affirmation, a positive, a now. Act as if it is truly on it's way to happening and don't let the inner doubt step up and ruin things. Success, romance, happiness, love, prosperity --- it is all within your reach. If I have learned nothing else it is that it is totally within my power to attract the life I want.

Looking for more on the subject, try reading or listening to one of these books:

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne , Ask and it is Given by Esther & Jerry Hicks, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay

Another aha moment. The only thing that has ever held me back from being all I was meant to be, is me. 

In Susan Jeffers’ book Embracing Uncertainty I ran across a ”What If” exercise she suggested her readers do. It was about facing your fears of uncertainty about the future. If I remember right, you were supposed to list your “what if” worries to help you figure out if you could handle the possible outcomes — and by getting those fears out, you could analyze whether or not you could indeed handle them, change them, or do anything about them  (thus eliminating their power). And then you were encouraged to simply let them go.

Before last November when I had my own version of a “breakdown” aka “spiritual awakening”, I used to practice what Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly, calls foreboding joy. Essentially I would imagine the worst case scenario of whatever was in front of me, so that I would not be vulnerable “unprepared to handle it” if my current state of happiness or safety changed on me. I would consider all possible outcomes to make sure I could indeed handle things ”if”, and more often than not I was preparing myself to handle negative outcomes. Talk about setting myself up for failure, not to mention the potential for the direction of my thoughts to attract more negativity into my life.

It seems so clear to me now why I felt like my life was spinning out of control— and why the joyful moments I felt were so fleeting. I was trying to control outcomes to situations that would likely never even occur. I was pushing away my current joy and fearing what might (or might not be) coming next.

So when I ran across the exercise in Embracing Uncertainty I adapted it for my new way of positive thinking about future outcomes. My What If list now represents what I need to be prepared to handle when I am a HUGE SUCCESS. I need to be ready for the JOY I know is coming my way.

How freeing it was to dream of my future in a way that concludes with success and happiness. I am truly in awe of how completely heart expanding positivity can be.

Question of the Week #36 / What is on Your ‘What If ‘ List?

Create the life you want. Imagine it. Attract it. Don’t be scared to dream really big, I wasn’t.

Terri’s List of Positive What If’s:

• What if I have more than enough money and never need to worry about where it comes from again?
• What if I have a million blog readers?
• What if I am able to live life with ease and joy, every single day?
• What if I am paid more money than I know what to do with and have lots to give away?
• What if I earn huge amounts of income just by being the me I was always meant to be?
• What if I use my natural talents to help others find their way to happiness and fulfillment?
• What if I have all the time I need to learn more about the things that matter to me?
• What if I remain gloriously happy every single day?
• What if I’ve discovered the secret to living a joy-filled life and can help others find it?
• What if I write a book that makes the best seller list?
• What if all my dreams come true?

For more about learning to live life in the positive I suggest  the following books (some have been nothing less than life changers for me):

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers

End The Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan Jeffers

Embracing Uncertainty, Susan Jeffers

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

Happy for No Reason, Marci Shimoff

 When is the last time you were able to do something so totally joyful that you lost yourself in that moment?

As adults we sometimes squash our own joy. We over think, feel vulnerable and hold back from doing what we might otherwise do for fear of being rejected or ridiculed by others.  Thoughts of do I look silly, will actually make us feel silly. We become inhibited by the thought that someone watching may form an unfavorable opinion of us.

At what age do we go from the joy of doing something -just for the fun of it - to worrying about what we might look like to someone else and denying ourselves that joy?

Have you ever watched a kid dance? Freely, openly, moving whatever body part feels right to the music? Have you judged them or simply appreciated (even celebrated) their obvious joy in that honest expression?

I once had the opportunity to dance my heart out in the middle of Calder plaza at lunchtime with a friend. At first we questioned if we should GROOVE with just the two of us because we felt on “display”.  My inner voice had started its chatter, the one about what if someone is watching, especially when my friend verbalized the same question. But immediately I heard a louder, stronger voice that said “You’ve been looking forward to this. It is a beautiful day, everything is set up. Just dance your heart out. Who cares what anyone else thinks — they’ll just be envious they aren’t out there dancing with you.”

And so we did. We danced, laughed, moved around in joyful expression and spread our arms to the sky in delight. It was heavenly, especially on a lunch hour.

The reality is that many people were indeed watching us — it is after all a natural focal point to hundreds of windows from office buildings that look down on Calder Plaza — yet it didn’t matter one bit. We didn’t pay any attention. We didn’t let our thoughts run away with the moment. We let our inner joy take the stage. Afterward a tourist taking pictures of the Calder asked if we would dance again so he could take our picture, and of course, we did. I wish we had that picture he took!

On that particular day I opened up to joy, and I am so thankful I did, as a life altering seed of change took root in me.

Joy is contagious. Make sure you not only cultivate it, you remember to help spread it.

I saw this post on RebelleSociety.com this morning and it “spoke” to me. Since it did, I felt the need to share it so you could learn from it also. More people than you might think suffer from self-sabotage, and until you learn to believe in yourself, to shut down the inner critic, you will remain stuck.

Hope this speaks to you as well.

P.S. I so want to go surf with Bartholomeus.

How to get out of your own way?

Stop judging yourself.

via Rebelle Society on Aug 28, 2013

{Photo credit: crankygoat.com}

By Bartholomeus Nicolaas Engelbertus.

We have met the Enemy and He is Us." (Pogo - Walt Kelly, Cartoonist 1913-1973 US)

Getting out of your own way is simple. What is it you do that is stopping you from doing what you really want to do?

I used to be a master at staying busy doing tasks or jobs that prevented me doing what I really wanted, or needed to do.

You can spend much time working on your sales pitch, getting your website content ‘just right,’ instead of getting out there and asking folk to buy your product.

You can spend much time sorting out little problems, rather than starting with the ‘biggie.’ What about dealing with other people’s problems instead of your own?

When this looks familiar, something is in the way. Now let me save you heaps of time; it is you. You could call it ‘mindset,’ but I still think that is you. For me, it’s me, every time!

How do you get out of your own way? Easy, stop looking at yourself. Do not see yourself from a perspective which is outside of you, the perspective of the narrative. If you are not looking out from your own perspective, ladies and gentlemen, you have left the building, not Elvis!

Notice when you judge yourself. Notice when you compare yourself. You are really looking from the outside in, then take some kind of position of judgment. Stop being your own judge, leave that to other people.

Judging yourself, looking from the outside in, reinforces the belief-systems that previously stopped your aspirations. Be brave, look from the inside out.

Come from the deeper natural side, let the gut, heart, and instinct rule! Use reason to guide it, not the other way around. This way you are beaming a new kind of signal into the shared realities of your roles. Do this long enough and the world responds.

It is nature’s way to evolve, and people respond mostly to ‘why’ you do things, and not to ‘what’ you do. It is the ‘why-drive’ as I like to call it. By mixing in new ingredients in the shared reality you have with others, the recipe changes and the food will taste different. A new thing has been created, and when there are new ingredients there is new opportunity.

What I mean is not like manifesting from a perspective of influence: what power hungry manipulative freak came up with that anyway?

No, this is evolution baby! Working with nature’s way (change), and by doing so, driving its change. Next time you see yourself from the outside in, have a little laugh at your own expense.

You can only fly with the winds of change when you are looking out of your own eyes with love.

You only have your own perspective, so stop pretending, stop judging. Come back home, and if you do not know where that is; it is where the heart is — remember?

Featured in international media, like The Saturday Times, and MSN Extras, Surf Life Coach Bartholomeus Nicolaas Engelbertus’s unique personal growth approach (subtraction of ‘the undesired’ — instead of telling a person ‘what to do’) is the driving force of the anti-conventional Natural Self System. The Epiphanies found from his near death surfing accident, and overcoming dark times resulting from undesired personal life change, are the source and inspiration of this unique approach. Bartholomeus is the creator of The Natural Self System, and runs Life Changing Surf Life Coach Retreats in Cornwall, Portugal, and Mexico. His latest book — ‘Waves of Change’ — focuses on Thriving on Change, by Unleashing your Natural Self. You can connect with Bartholomeus via surflifecoach.com and Facebook.

Reposted with permission. Actual link here.

 Back To Me

I once thought I was, but learned I wasn’t.
I once thought I did, but discovered I hadn’t.
Then when I was sure, I realized instead I had no clue.
Life is a journey,
Self–discovery is a continual practice.
I am in a state of constant transformation,
My story is forever being rewritten.
Learning to be at peace with myself has been my challenge.
Uncovering the real me, and believing in her, my constant lesson.
Putting my trust in the universe, allowing life to happen,
knowing all is as it should be, my daily practice.
This practice has turned darkness into light,
Frustration into gratitude,
Control into love,
And changed my labored breaths into glorious swells of light and love.
I am now able to see through the fog. I have made it home.
Back to me.

Did you know that all energy vibrates at a frequency? And your thoughts and feelings are what determine your personal frequency?

Within each of us we hold the power to attract good things into our lives. And all it takes to attract good things is to think positive thoughts. Conversely, if we let our negative thoughts rule our heads, we will begin to attract negative things. Becoming aware of the patterns and paths of our innermost thinking is a key ingredient to begin steering our life in the direction of our dreams.

I do not mean to insinuate that this process is easy, far from it, in fact. From experience I have learned that it isn't easy to change old habits and thinking patterns when you are aware of them. Imagine then, how impossible it would be for those who fail to pay attention to what they are really thinking. Getting out of a negative spiral is darn near impossible if we are sabotaging ourselves with second guessing, perfectionism, doubt, fear or criticism. Staying out is even harder.

In the past when things haven't been going my way --- say a new job is stressful, an old boss just doesn't get me, or I feel out-of-place amongst a group--- things always seem to get way worse, before they get better. Little did I know that I was in control of the speed at which good things began reappearing in my life, all I needed to do was control my own thoughts.

If you attract back to you the very things you think about, then even saying negative things out loud can call more negative to you. For example:

• I hate my job. More reasons to hate it come at you.
• No one here likes me. More dislike is directed at you.
• This is ridiculous. More ridiculousness comes your way.
• I can't do this. More things you can't do come across your path.
• I don't want to be here. More reasons pile up for you to want to leave, even things you once liked about your job.

Wherever your innermost thoughts are going they send out a vibration (a frequency) that attracts more of the same. Take a look around, are things going exactly like you wish them to in your life? If not, maybe it is time to re-examine what you are actually thinking about.

Question of the Week #34/ What is your Frequency?

Are you attracting what you want into your life? Try making positive changes in the way you think and see if positive changes begin happening. If you simply pay lip service to your new thoughts and don't really believe in them, or deep down think this crap won't work --then it won't. Your negative inner voice will steal the show. So make sure you can believe what you think.

This week I had the awesome experience of leading a vision board workshop at Gilda's Club.I have never been more inspired by a group of women. While I sometimes have a hard time answering the dreaded question "Who inspires you?" I found my answer there---real, authentic, regular everyday women telling their stories, baring their souls, expressing their fears and finding hope for their future. What a moving thing for a facilitator to experience.  There is no greater feeling for me.

Once upon a time it was only in my wildest dreams that I thought I could make a living using my natural talents to help people find whole body, mind + spirit wellness. Now, with positive thinking, it has become my life. Positive thinking = positive results.

Do you wish to begin operating at a higher frequency? If so, it is never too late.