I've been concentrating on the "now" for the last few weeks, and as a result it has been very quiet on this blog. In a way I have been reconstructing myself, crawling out of the darkness and into the light of my life.

It isn't as though I haven't been writing....I just haven't shared. I've been sorting things out, following signs from the universe--savoring the little moments of spring that somehow I have managed to miss for 30 some years. It's been heavenly to see my beloved trees get their clothes (leaves) back on. As much as I think I am watching them for signs of change via buds and blooms, it seems they go from bare to bedazzled overnight. It is magnificent.

I spent the first half of this year "turtling" in and focusing on finding and keeping my calm inner center, and now I am feeling the urge to be creative. For years I have believed my own lies and thought that I was not artistic. I recently took a chance on trying my hand at painting, and oddly enough it gave me self-confidence (not so much in my painting), but in my artistic vision.

I am oddly proud of the things I have created lately. (And it feels really weird to admit this to myself and to you.)

Maybe the difference is that I have stopped judging everything the way I once did, so I don't paint, photograph nature or write for any other reason than it fuels my soul. I don't care if anyone else likes it. I am not doing it to be liked. I am doing it because my inner voice tells me I need to do it.

It is not only freeing to release judgment of my own work (which I did for decades and always found it lacking), but crazily motivating to allow myself to feel pride in it. I spent the majority of my life pointing out flaws in myself instead of celebrating my strengths. This new self-appreciation does a lot to support my inner cheerleader, the one who not only believes in me, but encourages me.

As memories and childhood experiences float through my now quieter mind, I realize that I spent the majority of my life as an observer of the world around me. It was my way of making sure I "fit in", wasn't a burden, did my share, and never let anyone down. I was a good person to have around--I got things whipped into shape, I walked in front of many and smoothed out bumps in the path ahead--sometimes before they even recognized there was going to be a bump-- but in doing so I rarely considered my own needs. I focused outward and wrongly believed that putting myself first in line meant I was being selfish. Silly me. I have learned that I cannot fully be present with those I love unless I am being true to myself. The old adage "You cannot heal those around you until you heal yourself" is one that has made a huge difference in me in the last year. Finding my way back to "me" has led to better relationships with everyone I love.

I recognize now that I never really fully lived or appreciated the moments of my life. I was just passing through until....until something. Next week, more money, when the kids grew up, when I had the house clean. I put off my joy until I accomplished the next thing, only it got so crazy that the next thing never stopped coming. It was like an obsession to keep accomplishing or what ...I would fall apart? I would fail? I would be judged lazy? I would cease to exist? I am not really sure what my ego convinced me of....I just know that life became overwhelming and exhausting.

Maybe my book (the one I have started writing) will help peel back the layers of why I allowed this to happen. Maybe writing it out will help someone else learn from my mistakes and avoid the dark trap of accomplishment and doing.

All I know is that I am forever changed. I intend to truly live in every moment of my life. I will put myself at the front of the line because I realize I am nothing to those I love unless I am truly and 100% myself. And to be truly myself I have to heed the quiet voice inside that says move your body, creatively express your soul, talk with the trees, and laugh with those you love; often and fully.

So I am, and I will continue. And I will savor every second.

Another aha moment. The only thing that has ever held me back from being all I was meant to be, is me. 

In Susan Jeffers’ book Embracing Uncertainty I ran across a ”What If” exercise she suggested her readers do. It was about facing your fears of uncertainty about the future. If I remember right, you were supposed to list your “what if” worries to help you figure out if you could handle the possible outcomes — and by getting those fears out, you could analyze whether or not you could indeed handle them, change them, or do anything about them  (thus eliminating their power). And then you were encouraged to simply let them go.

Before last November when I had my own version of a “breakdown” aka “spiritual awakening”, I used to practice what Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly, calls foreboding joy. Essentially I would imagine the worst case scenario of whatever was in front of me, so that I would not be vulnerable “unprepared to handle it” if my current state of happiness or safety changed on me. I would consider all possible outcomes to make sure I could indeed handle things ”if”, and more often than not I was preparing myself to handle negative outcomes. Talk about setting myself up for failure, not to mention the potential for the direction of my thoughts to attract more negativity into my life.

It seems so clear to me now why I felt like my life was spinning out of control— and why the joyful moments I felt were so fleeting. I was trying to control outcomes to situations that would likely never even occur. I was pushing away my current joy and fearing what might (or might not be) coming next.

So when I ran across the exercise in Embracing Uncertainty I adapted it for my new way of positive thinking about future outcomes. My What If list now represents what I need to be prepared to handle when I am a HUGE SUCCESS. I need to be ready for the JOY I know is coming my way.

How freeing it was to dream of my future in a way that concludes with success and happiness. I am truly in awe of how completely heart expanding positivity can be.

Question of the Week #36 / What is on Your ‘What If ‘ List?

Create the life you want. Imagine it. Attract it. Don’t be scared to dream really big, I wasn’t.

Terri’s List of Positive What If’s:

• What if I have more than enough money and never need to worry about where it comes from again?
• What if I have a million blog readers?
• What if I am able to live life with ease and joy, every single day?
• What if I am paid more money than I know what to do with and have lots to give away?
• What if I earn huge amounts of income just by being the me I was always meant to be?
• What if I use my natural talents to help others find their way to happiness and fulfillment?
• What if I have all the time I need to learn more about the things that matter to me?
• What if I remain gloriously happy every single day?
• What if I’ve discovered the secret to living a joy-filled life and can help others find it?
• What if I write a book that makes the best seller list?
• What if all my dreams come true?

For more about learning to live life in the positive I suggest  the following books (some have been nothing less than life changers for me):

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers

End The Struggle and Dance With Life, Susan Jeffers

Embracing Uncertainty, Susan Jeffers

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

Happy for No Reason, Marci Shimoff

Whether you are thinking about something happening now, or something that happened in your past or something you would like to happen in your future--you are doing the thinking now, and it is this present-thought vibration that the Law of Attraction is responding to. Therefore --your power to create is NOW. ---The Law Of Attraction Cards 

Have you thought about the way in which you think lately? Pessimistic, Optimistic, Skeptical, Hopeful....where do you fall in this mix?

Maybe before we delve into that, let's address an even more important question -- do you align with yourself? In other words---truly deep down do you believe in yourself, your power to create, your worth, your importance, your beauty or are you thinking negative thoughts about yourself that are stopping you from attracting the kind of energy you need to thrive?

When you are feeling like you just can't get moving forward, chances are you are not in alignment. We all have days, weeks, months heck maybe even years that we are out of alignment and we find ourselves struggling. Work is not right, our relationships are unhappy, we start moving in the direction of unhealthy habits (drinking too much, too often, or the big one, eating too much).

Don't start stressing just yet, this misalignment is something you can easily begin to work on. You can tackle it yourself, you can read books written by others who have been through something similar, or there are those who can help who by simply listening or talking to you. Therapists, spouses, healers, coaches.... there are so many options that you can turn to. The starting is point is to figure out what doesn't align in you. This can be really hard to do. It might involve facing a fear, taking a chance, being vulnerable, or letting something go that you have been holding onto tightly --pain, regret, guilt ---it involves being brutally honest with yourself, even if you think you might not like what you have to say. It's okay....we've all been there, too.

For me, it was about accepting me for the person I truly am. It was about facing the things I was afraid of most, and it was about tuning in to me and admitting there were things I didn't like about myself. It feels (felt) selfish at times to take time for me, but I believe it is what many people in the world need. Maybe it is even something you need.

One of my favorite quotes says it best:

Question of the Week #29 : What Are You Attracting?

So begin to pay attention to the way you think. Negative attracts negative. Controlling the universe, attempting to keep your family safe from well, everything, are really good ways to remain stuck. Letting go, living with an open heart, accepting yourself, getting to know yourself--now those are the ways to begin to live the life you've always dreamed of.

You have the power to change yourself. And in doing so, you will bring back the alignment within yourself --- you will become stronger, more grounded, authentic, honest -- and what you are looking for in your life will find YOU.

Start getting unstuck by changing the way you think. When you feel the same things keep happening over and over, evaluate what or how you are really thinking.

Here is a scenario that happens often, is this you? The car breaks down,  immediately you start thinking "oh no" what will go wrong next --  and you attract negative energy to yourself. Something always 'does' happen next right? Maybe even two somethings --as we often believe that things happen in three's. How can we not attract the next negative thing if we are waiting for it---actually looking for it--- thinking about it, attracting it, inviting it to us?

What if the thought process goes more like this when the car breaks down....thank goodness I wasn't out-of-town when this happened, I am so lucky that I have family close by to help me, or I am glad I saved that money I was going to use for my new < insert whatever>, now I can pay the repair bill.

See the shift? The positive response has gratitude, hope, and acceptance going for it. All positive things you need to attract positive happenings. So instead of another appliance breaking down --which is usually the case ---the next thing that might happen if you think positive is meeting a new friend, receiving a job offer, or hearing about a freelance job that will bring in the money you need to purchase whatever it was that you had been saving for.

Positive thinking works. Now, if you are thinking this law of attraction thing is just a bunch  of "hooey"-- I suggest you try it first.

I speak from experience.  I think differently now and Life is different now. Life is lighter, easier, happier, and I am more free than ever before. I'm free of the control that once gripped me. The worry, the fear, the inadequacy, the doubt. I can tell you for 100% certain that "Life is better in the light."

So what's really  in your head?