Dear Addie:

One year ago tonight you left this world. I'm not sure a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you at least once. You are a part of me now; my prayers, my conscience, my wisdom. Even when people think I am talking to "myself", I'm really talking to you.

What a difference a year makes.

I think you might approve of the person I am now Addie. And a really big reason I have grown so much is because of you.

Some of the situations I have had to face this past year, especially with Mitch, were so much harder and different than I ever imagined. There were so many times I had no idea what to do, and somehow I knew you were with me patiently attempting to show me the way.

Last April as I walked among the scattered wreckage on that Iowa road with your mom I searched for signs of your presence. At the time I had only barely begun what I will refer to as my year of spiritual growth so I wasn't able to pick up on any signs you may have tried to leave for me, and truthfully even if I had, I would have passed them off as just my imagination. I grieved for you and for your mom and Jack, and I feared I would not know how to help them through this.

You started trying to get my attention soon after I left Iowa wearing your necklace. Those mornings you would make it fall off seemingly randomly and for no reason as I sat in front of the computer with my coffee.  But looking back, it really wasn't random at all -- you were slowly waking me up me to your presence-- and you made sure I was always at home and in no danger of losing your necklace.

I was a slow learner and it took three or four tries before I stopped thinking your necklace was just fastened wrong, or that it had broken. Pretty sure having the Matilda dvd fall off the shelf in your room at home while I was talking to your mom on the phone sealed the deal for me.

And once I figured out it was you I began to "wake up" to so many things I had been missing.

You have taught me so much.

Your necklace hasn't fallen off my neck in almost 9 months. I find that my hand makes its way to your necklace several times a day (to make sure it is still there?) or to reassure me that I am not alone.  I think of you when I need strength, inspiration, and guidance when I am torn between choices.

I don't see this habit of mine changing anytime soon either and I have done a 180 when it comes to watching for signs. Anytime something out of the ordinary happens around me I smile and assume it is you with another message. It makes me pay attention, and notice and believe. I have no doubt that you are happily flying around all of us, swooping in to cover us with your fairy dust love when we need it most. 

Your hugs in life were the best, your hugs now are almost as good, I've never had so many goosebumps. 

I miss your random texts and our facebook chats, but I love knowing you are always right there when I need you. I try not to take much for granted anymore. I attempt to live each day in the present, appreciating all I have and all those I love.

In your honor I will do my best to make my life matter. And I will try to love as BIG as you would have.

RIP Angel Addie, I miss you. See you in Heaven.

And I don't mean the kind on the workbench that go into a toolbox, I am referring to the "tools" necessary to recharge your life. Things like self-help books, classes, workshops, videos, exercise classes or supplies for new hobbies.

If a person wants more joy or purpose in their daily life, one of the first things they often do is start something new. However if they only get as far as collecting the things to start a new hobby, or move in a new direction--  but never actually begin anything, they won't see much growth. They will simply be a tool collector and end up with more "stuff".

Let's say you have decided you need a creative outlet.  You start by buying all the materials needed to paint. It can be exciting just to research something new, and the trip out to buy those new supplies increases happiness levels. (A combo of shoppers high and a temporary sense of purpose.) What I find much harder, is mustering up the courage to actually use the paints.

For years I thought/said/believed that I had no creative talent. Spending 30 years in a field where I was surrounded by artists of all kinds didn't help me feel confident in my own limited abilities, and being highly critical of myself made it scary to even try. 

A few weeks ago I bought myself watercolor painting supplies and I actually dared to use them. I had so much fun creating "paintings", in truth they were more like scribbles, but I didn't let that bother me, I actually found myself smiling and happy the whole time. It was so freeing to paint and not care what it looked like when I was done. In some strange way it was mindless fun -- and it gave me the space to let some things I had been thinking about gel. As a result of my creative painting, I got clarity from within on something I do have some talent in, my writing.

While I have found it is easy to collect tools, using them is definitely harder. 

So I'm challenging you to do something that moves your spirit forward. Try making some time to read those self-help books you've collected and then be inspired to go do something out of your comfort zone. Take a step in a new direction, volunteer somewhere, join a group of people with a common interest, or sign up to try something you've always wanted to learn more about. You never know where one small step can eventually lead you. This I know from experience.

Question of the Week #51 / What Is One New Thing You Could Try To Get Out of Your Rut?

In case you didn't realize this, it's okay if the something new you try turns out to be something you don't like, or that you eventually lose interest in. It is even okay to stink at that something new and to be disappointed or embarrassed by what you consider a failure, the truth is, it is all part of moving forward and growing up.

If you find yourself liking the something new, you might also want to prepare yourself to be super energized and possibly a little impulsive about what comes next. Some things that I've tried lately have led to such positive energy, new ideas and good karma they've inspired me to take leaps not steps.

My advice: start with a step, but be prepared to leap. Comfort zones are not all they are cracked up to be.