When a new friend asked me, "Do you meditate?" my first instinct was to fudge a little (like I do with the dentist --- um yes I floss almost every day, I mean week, I mean every day a week before I come for my check-up).  I'm a yoga instructor, it's practically expected we be good meditators. But at that time I did not meditate.

I'm a terrible liar, so I was honest.

"Not really, should I be?" (What I really meant was I am getting desperate--do you think it would help me?).

Early attempts to slow my life down had resulted in what I would call a firestorm of ideas. As I physically slowed down, my mind and creativity speeded up. The possibilities of what I could do, should do, felt compelled to do with my life suddenly seemed never-ending. Yet fleeting. Oh, they'd be burning passions for a week or two, and then I became distracted/fascinated with something else and those ideas would not seem doable anymore.  As my enthusiasm would wane, I'd move on to the next thing. Even I grew weary of the constantly changing directions.

The thought of Mindfulness & Meditation scared the bejeezus out of me.

In truth I had begun to feel overwhelmed by my own mind. And the thought of meditation scared me. What if I couldn't do it right? Be still, clear my mind---are you kidding me? At that point quieting my mind seemed pretty much an impossible task.

Looking back I can see that I was so stuck in a rut of worry not knowing my next step and not having a job, that I could no longer hear my own inner voice. It might have had some smart things to say to me about letting go of the control I was grabbing tighter onto. Of letting life happen instead of trying to make it happen. (Opposite advice from what I once remember giving Sadie.) Weird.

All that stress, worry, "noise", expectations for myself, and guilt that I wasn't bringing in any income began to fuel my huge need to figure it out, FAST ---so all that ruminating only added to my racing mind. I needed time to think.

I needed to meditate. But meditation in the way I thought it had to be done, quietly and in stillness, would not have worked for me. So I resisted meditation.

And then it found me, in a GROOVE dance class.

Group dance has never been my thing, I have two left feet when I step on the dance floor ---IF I am trying to follow someone else's steps that is. GROOVE is all about adding your unique movement to music. A common simple step here or there is shared by the dancers, and the creative expression is ours to add. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Perfect for a person like me who is zumba challenged.

Talk about mindfulness. I found my personal ticket to a calm mind is moving my body to music. It is my form of meditation.

My joy of dancing somehow got tucked away with my rollerblades and softball cleats. GROOVE brought it back to me. And it has had the added bonus of calming my mind, clearing out the clutter and giving me back my voice. I'm so happy to be listening to me again.

What do you do to meditate and cultivate mindfulness in your life? /Question of the Week #28

Everyone can have their own version of a mindfulness practice that works for them. So what works for me may not work for you. If you aren't sure how to calm your mind, do some experimentation. Try a GROOVE or yoga class, try doing it the traditional way and sit still, or listen to a guided meditation, pray, take a walk, sing, gaze at the stars, find something that works for you. Just find it fast.

Clarity is a necessity.

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — --- Paula Poundstone

I recently completed a passion mining exercise and surprisingly among my top 5 passions emerged this one: "Have more fun with friends and family."

I wasn't expecting to see fun among the top 5 but maybe that is because I don't actively spend time thinking about it. I guess I ruminate about things like purpose, meaning and how I can make a difference in the world and still provide income for my family so often, that I rarely think about fun.

I suppose it seems like f-u-n should just happen, but even as I purposefully attempt to slow my life down, I realize that some of us have to work at "fun" more than others. We have to be deliberate in making time for it. Left to my own devices I would oftentimes choose accomplishment over f-u-n. It is in my nature (and always has been) to set goals, to be efficient and to get things done. This exercise made me see that somewhere deep down I believe I am missing out -- or have missed out on some fun time in life.

It is weird that I can make myself a giant "to do" list of things I think I should get done,  in less than a minute -- pretty much at any given time. But creating a list of  fun things is more work than it should be. Each item I start to add to the list has so many buts attached to it: I'd like to write my book, but.....I really need to respond to the emails in my inbox in case one of them leads to my dream job. Or I'd love to spend the day making something out of paper, but I really should update my Linked In profile first. There always seems to be something more practical to do.

I have also come to realize that everyone has a different idea of what "fun" is. I imagine some people draw their ideas of  possibilities for new "fun" by watching others enjoying an activity. We might notice someone sailing for example, and think: "I should try that." Or maybe our idea of fun is based on an activity we used to love doing, and we think we'd be having a lot more fun if only we had time to ..... sew, paint, or grow a garden again.

But the truth is that finding "fun" can sometimes be a moving target. It can depend on our mood, our current job or life situation, the weather, our health, our attitude, even our unique personality and how we are wired on the inside. And I think  our ideas of fun change as we grow older, too.

So how often do you allow yourself time to rethink "fun"?   

The Question of the Week #27/  What Do You Consider Fun and Do You Need More Of it in Your Life Right Now?

Need help  jump starting your list? Here are something things that helped me rethink my idea of fun.

What did you do as a kid?

I am a big believer in thinking back to when we were kids and remembering what we spent our free time doing. One of my earlier questions of the week revolved around what roles you played as a kid. Now think about the activities you spent time doing, especially on rainy days. The things that interested you then, might actually help you think of things you want to do now.

Go big.

In other words don't let others tell you that your idea of fun isn't acceptable. If you like collecting things, or scrapbooking or reading children's literature or writing poetry, do it. Fun is as unique to you as is everything about you.

It's ok to change your mind.

Lots of people find that they love the idea of doing something but once they get started do not actually even like doing it. (Include me in this category). As we age our bodies change, our patience levels adjust, and our basic needs are different... so things we once found fun might not interest us anymore. Like dusting off that softball glove, or  putting on the roller blades.... clearly that would be entertainment only for those watching my attempt, not for the parts of my body sure to end up on the ground.

Here are my current ideas of FUN:

1. A day with no schedule, no responsibilities

2. Reading for hours (a real printed book)

3. Deeply connecting with someone via a face to face conversation

4. Helping someone see things differently, showing them a new perspective

5. Playing with my camera

6. Karaoke

7. GROOVIN' with friends

8. Taking a walk

9. Teaching someone something new

10. Relaxing in the sun

My choices are different than they once would have been. A lifetime of being an extrovert has left me with strangely introverted ideas of fun as I age. I now enjoy my time alone or with limited people around. I like doing less of the organizing I once thrived on. Instead I like to just be,  with time to think, to be more spur of the moment and to live without a plan. A few years back my list would have been filled with more active doing, and centered more around helping others have fun around me. Not sure if this new idea of fun for me is an age related thing or maybe I am now able to hear my inner voice, the one that is telling me to slow it down and take time to enjoy this life, or it will surely pass me by.

I'm curious about your list, did rethinking your idea of FUN change any of the things you thought would be on it?

Please comment and share... and don't forget to do something fun just for YOU this week.

Most of you who read my blog know that I have been on a mission for the last few years to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

I thought I would be there by now. I'm not.

Instead I find myself like a kid in a candy store. So excited to try everything new that comes into view. I am dizzy with the love of learning. I find myself energized to learn more about anything and everything that interests me. (Even stuff I didn't think even interested me before.) I have read so many books, listened to stacks of books on tape, and my subject matter is so varied I'm pretty sure the people at the library think I am a little nuts. (Hooray for library books being free to check out).

I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't been allowed, or allowed myself this opportunity to just "be" for a while, to take the time to figure myself out -- especially now that I can see clearly how much I needed it.

Lately I have been able to use what I have learned to help others in need of figuring themselves out. What a fantastic feeling!

If not for the "little" detail of having to contribute money into our bank account sometime soon, all would be at peace in me. I love using what I know to encourage, motivate and help others move forward. You know that question that people ask: What would you do for FREE because you love it? That is what I would do for free: help people understand themselves and give them strategies to help them move forward. It is what I love to do. It is what makes me feel like I make a difference.

In the past 5 months I have learned so much about myself. And it has helped me understand others so much better.

I've learned about Strength. Shame. Fears. Purpose. Passion. Energy. Love. Surrender. Serendipity. Trust. Natural talents. Positivity. Happiness. And Joy.

Once I took the first step forward to begin facing a few of my longtime fears, it helped me realize that what I needed to do most-- was let go. To stop wasting so much energy trying to take control of things that were clearly not for me to worry about.  Once I started letting go of the control, and began slowing my life down, I was able to see what it is that I do best (and easily).

I am at heart a coach and facilitator, an educator and a mentor, a catalyst for forward motion and growth.

I believe I have now found my "sweet spot".

For a long time I ignored that I had a sweet spot because I could not see how it would help me find that next job/that encore career. I focused instead on all the skills a resume screams for, and I failed to acknowledge that I have a talent for understanding people, for asking questions that open them up to new ways of thinking, and for helping them learn to help themselves.

It has always been easy for me to champion the potential of others, now I need to learn to believe in me.

You see even after discovering what my "element" was, I slowed my own forward progress because I listened to the dark voice inside that convinced  me I was not good enough, or that I needed a different college degree to prove my worth, or that I couldn't possibly go into business doing what I love to do and being successful at it.

And yet, here I am. Poised to move in the direction of my dreams. That vision board of 4 years ago is finally making sense....

Ironic that in trying to figure out what I wanted to "do" next, what I want to "be" when I grew up, I discovered something even greater. I discovered who I really am at the core.

I am not at the place I thought I would be by now.

Instead... I'm in an even better place. Comfortable in my own skin, for maybe the first time ever.

Question of the Week #26 / When was the last time you did something for the first time?

 

I might have mentioned in earlier posts that I am a "doer"; I have been as long as I can remember. Throughout my life people have used words like: organized, responsible, conscientious, efficient and bossy to describe me. Until recently that is, lately I've heard words like kind, brave, and "a  blessing".

Is this a new thing, the result of changes I have been making in me? Or, have those things always been said about me, only I wasn't listening for them?

I know I have always tended to measure my worth in how much I get done, how many things I cross off my to do list, or how big my contribution to helping something go smoothly was. I pretty much never say that something I do is "good enough", I always strive to make it the best it can be. I can always find fault, or ways to improve it.

But I have to admit I am tired. I'm tired of paddling upstream. Of never accomplishing enough, or doing it as good as I think I should.

It is impossible to keep up all that internal pressure.  I've seen what it is like to enjoy the moment and to go with the flow, to stop trying to control everything. I like this way better. I'm going to keep making sure I do more of this in my life. Taking time to chill. To think. To just "be".

I see now how important it is to have the other side in your life-- the side that appreciates the moment, the stop-and-smell-the-roses-side, the side that notices and savors the little things. I have learned the hard way that you cannot always make things happen by sheer will and energy --you need to give things space to "allow" for them to happen. To grow.  And to blossom in their own time.

It's become "clear" to me recently in several different ways that allowing time for "me", time to chill, and to enjoy life is where the clarity I've been seeking lives.

Question of the Week #25 / How Much "Me" Time Do You Allow For Yourself?

Finding my own true voice is the biggest and brightest thing I can do for my future. And the only way I hear that voice is to make time to listen.

Focusing inward is not selfish, it is necessary. And so is spending time with ourselves.  If your answer to the question above is "not a lot", or what is "me" time? then it is more important than ever that you start making that time. In whatever way works for you.

Because you are entirely worth it.

And so am I.

Hopefully you are not one of those people who is never able to remember your dreams--if so you could be missing out on some important messages from your inner self.

I remember my dreams nearly every night. It is the way I process my never ending thoughts. When the same dream repeats itself (what feels like all night long),  I often wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. As things heat up in my life, my dreams tend to intensify. I've learned that remembering my dreams --or at least the key parts of them -- tells me a lot about what my true self is feeling.

Question of the Week #24 / Do you remember your dreams?

As far back as I can remember I've had recurring dreams and I have always been curious as to their meaning. I now own a couple of dream books and I have the answers.

According to Dream Expert Cynthia Richmond, "not paying attention to our dreams is silly". She says it is a message from our subconscious mind and one of the reasons we dream is actually part of our internal stress management.

I'm apparently not alone in my recurring dreams. According to dream expert Laurie Loewenberg, most of the dreams I commonly have are on the Top 10 list.  My recurring dreams are about tornadoes, dirty bathrooms, being back at school and forgetting an exam, teeth falling out, finding money and flying (although I haven't "flown" in my dreams in a while).

Analyzing these dreams and recognizing what they stand for has really been eye opening to me.

For example, my school dream is the second most popular dream on the list. I usually show up to class, and it seems I have skipped a few, only to find I have an exam that I didn't know about, let alone study for. Interpretations say that means  I am either feeling unprepared for something, or that I will have negative consequences via an upcoming test of some sort, because I have not done what I said I was going to do.

The dirty bathroom dream is a far more common dream than I ever thought and is without a doubt the MOST common dream I personally have. It isn't always the same, sometimes the bathroom is so dirty I cannot get into the stall, but I have to go so badly I know I will have to wade into the "crap", sometimes I am just in wandering halls in search of a clean stall and cannot find one even though I am getting desperate, other times I find myself already in a stall that is filthy and overflowing or becomes so after I go to the bathroom. The worst is when I am sitting in a stall that is visible to everyone. How can I possibly wipe with people watching me? It usually ends up with me getting the messiness of the bathroom on me. Ick.

There are various interpretations to this dream: I need to eliminate something from my life, I'm feeling exposed by whatever needs eliminating, I have a lot of "crap" to deal with, and one that made total sense to me years ago-- that I was lacking time to myself/or private time. This  dream is less common in the last few months, yet last night I actually dreamed a new version of it. I actually had crap in my pants and was unable to take care of it because I didn't want others to see what had happened!

That  is one perceptive dream --I believe it means that I don't want others to see that I am in the process of letting go of some built up crap, so that I can move on.

The second most common dream I have is of a tornado approaching. It used to be that I ran from it in a panic and I'd wake myself up to avoid getting destroyed by it.  It was scary and I always woke with my heart pounding. For a time I would dream of it coming, I'd see it across the lake or field, then I'd be able to get to shelter but would instantly start worrying about the rest of my family. I would usually wake myself up from this version as well, heart pounding. My latest version of the dream has me seeing it coming, watching it as I move toward shelter, figuring out my family is safe and then being relieved when it either veers off in another direction or narrowly misses me.  I think it is a good sign that I do not feel the need to wake myself up from the dream anymore.

This dream is about worry, and worry that is spinning out of control, or involves bracing for impact that might or might not come. As I let go of the control I have always yearned for over my life, the tornado dreams have slowed, almost stopped completely. Oh the nights of sleeplessness I tossed and turned through, worrying about things totally out of my control...silly.

I also have a recurring dream about my teeth crumbling and falling out. This signifies "loose speech" and it involves a person saying something without thinking, something they regret. This dream is less common than it once for me. I think not only am I more careful with my words, I am also more deliberate in how I say things.

And then there is the money dream. Ever found a nickel, then a little further down the road found some quarters, then piles of coins? In my dream I was giddy, I thought I was rich--I used to dream this so often and was always so disappointed when I woke up to find I didn't really find money.

The dream book says that coins are significant --- and my dreams were always about finding coins, never dollars. Coins in dreams refer to your own self-worth, or to change that needs to be made or is already taking place in your life. Or it can refer to a decision, and it could be telling the dreamer that "there are two sides to every story", in other words don't rush to judgment. It is common to dream of finding money when you have financial difficulty in waking life. Interesting and comforting that as I grow older and wiser, and more open to my life, I have this dream less and less often.

Did you know that even if you rarely remember your dreams, there are ways you can train your brain to begin remembering them? I've never had to do this, but I have heard testimonials that it does work. That is awesome news considering all the things we can glean from the interpretation of our dreams. They can shed light on our state of mind, our health, and our overall well-being.

Wishing you sweet dreams and the ability to learn via your dreams. Care to share any recurring dreams with me?

You and I know each other.

Imagine you see me in the hallway at work, or we run into each other at the grocery store, maybe we find ourselves standing next to each other in the food line at a networking event. I smile in greeting and say "Hi, how are you?"

And you answer something like: "Fine" or "I'm good" or "Doing okay, how are you?"

I can't help but think that kind of exchange is really a waste of breath. Mine and yours. But we do it all the time, don't we? You might have even done it already today. Two or three times in fact.

Why do we answer quickly and not stop to think about how we really feel in that moment? How much better would it be if my question was "How are you feeling today?" and your answer reflected what was actually happening inside of you, instead of a polite deflection back to me?

What if you were able to run through a mental list of descriptor words and choose one to represent what you were feeling in that moment and share that with me. I am feeling powerful. I am distressed. I feel guilty. I am jittery. I am afraid. Or I am hopeful.

Wouldn't it be awesome if we all were able to pause, think, search for a word that fits how we are feeling in the present moment and share it, every time we are asked?

Now that would be living life in the present, with intention and mindfulness.

So why don't we?

• It's easier to pretend, right? Just saying you are fine, when inside your world could be crashing down or cartwheeling away from you, is quicker and easier.
• Are we ever really sure if the person asking wants to know or is just being polite?  Sometimes when I give an honest answer I end up feeling like a dork after I realize the person isn't really interested and now I just shared way too much information.
• It's scary sometimes isn't it? To acknowledge that life isn't going well. It's way easier to share the happy stuff --the 'I'm feeling great moments'---everyone understands when you say "I'm great." But when you say: "I'm scared." "I'm stressed." "I'm so confused."  Those make people unsure and uncomfortable, especially when they were expecting an "I'm fine, how are you?" in return.

So most times we avoid saying how we really feel. We might actually even avoid thinking about how we really feel.

What if it were perfectly acceptable for you to say how you really felt every time you answered someone? What if we had the luxury of time to really listen to someone's answer, and to also dig deeper into the feeling just expressed? What if we had time to ask why?

I believe we would not only help ourselves by alleviating the burden we carry around inside ourselves, but we could help each other.

Feelings come from experiences. Sharing the experiences out loud, and honestly allows the individual sharing-- a chance to process through the situation-- to get in touch with their emotions, and with themselves. A listener then has the opportunity to be a sounding board, a source of new strength and support, and offer a much-needed new perspective. And they have the opportunity to learn from the person sharing.

In my ideal world people ask the question 'How are you (feeling)' because they genuinely want to know the answer. And people train themselves to give a thoughtful (and truthful) response in answer.

There is great power in a shared feeling -- whether it is a good or bad one. How often have you been uplifted simply by learning about someone else's joy? Or made aware of a situation or a previously unknown issue when someone shared their heartache? Increased empathy, sympathy, inspiration and understanding are just a few of the possible outcomes after someone answers a 'How are you' question with both thought and honesty. A real conversation can sometimes lead people to think: "If you can get through this thing that you are dealing with, then I can definitely get through what I am dealing with." "I am not alone." "You are not alone." "Life is awesome when things are truly going great."  A real conversation may set someone on a new path.

To me that kind of honest sharing is powerful stuff.

How Are You Really Feeling? / The Question of the Week #23

And yes I really want to know right now in this present moment a word that describes how you are currently feeling. My challenge to you is to ask someone else how they are really feeling today. If it goes well for you, then ask again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Hey change has to start somewhere...

And to be honest, I'd really like to be asked how I am feeling. So, pretending that you did (just ask me that is), my answer is: I am feeling favorable.

Favorable: characterized by approval or support; positive; creating or winning favor; pleasing; affording advantage, opportunity, or convenience; advantageous; boding well.

And, thanks for asking.

Is your check engine light on? Mine sure was. A few months ago mine clicked on, and stayed on.Thankfully I paid attention to it.

I recognized that something was not right. I was crying. A lot. At work, while driving in the car, when I got home from work, and even in the middle of the night. I would wake up, begin tossing and turning, and the silent tears would start.

"What the heck is wrong with me?" I wondered.  Was I for the first time in my life depressed? Was I going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Was I sick? Or was the new job I had taken on, too much for me?

Why were tears so close to the surface all the time?

I was most concerned about the tears I shed at work. To me they were awkward and a deeper sign of a problem --- they felt like tears of frustration and dissatisfaction, but they came across to others as complaining. It bothered me that I couldn't seem to control them whenever I got passionate about an idea or a situation where I needed help with a  solution. What I thought needed to be done, and what I saw that needed fixing, wasn't as important to others. So not only did it feel like no one was listening, it felt like they thought I was trying to fix things for all the wrong reasons. Like I was being selfish.

I am pretty sure the stomach ache I had constantly was an early form of an ulcer. The ache grew from a sense of misalignment that even I didn't clearly see -- until many months later, after I had time to reflect. All I knew was that I couldn't seem to get away from the stress. And the stress seemed to be felt only by me.

At the time I had no idea that emotion in the workplace is not only normal, but helpful. Generally workplace tears represent anger or frustration at something that isn't right, more than they represent negativity and overall sadness. Check out this video from Anne Kreamer, Author of It's Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9Lb3w_vjIE]

Some interesting things I have since come to learn about emotion in the workplace:

•The person crying is almost always embarrassed and wishes they weren’t crying. •The most professional response is to hand the person crying a box of tissue and continue the conversation. The worst thing you can do is to make a big deal of the tears, or to withdraw from the conversation and stop talking to the person, making them feel worse. •The person crying is often a person who has a lot invested in their work, or who is experiencing something in the workplace that goes against their personal values. It’s very important to listen and to ask a lot of questions to determine the source of the frustration. •Dig a little. The first explanation for the emotion may not be the real one. It might only be the most recent one. •Don’t see tears as weakness or negativity. They are very simply someone's reaction to strong emotions.

It is important for the person doing the crying and the manager (or whomever is observing the tears), to move through the emotion and get to heart of the matter. Too many managers, especially men, feel really uncomfortable and guilty when tears are present. They hurry the tears and attempt to alleviate the distress. What is really needed is to connect deeply with the person crying, and to  listen to what they are truly saying. That will build both trust and respect, and give you a good insight into the things that might be out of balance.

It was only after I made the decision to quit my job that I found this video. And with time and distance, things began to make sense to me.

I was crying for all the right reasons. I was in the wrong job (for me) and no amount of effort was going to fix that. And until I removed myself from the internal stress I was feeling, my tears were going to continue; at work, at home, in the car, in the middle of the night --- everywhere.

If you find yourself crying a lot ( especially at work), it might be time to give your check engine light a look.

This week's Question of the Week came to me after skimming through a book that a friend recently loaned to me. (Thank you, Alana).

When I flipped through the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown for the first time, one of the sub headings Hope and Powerlessness jumped out at me. For the past four months I have made it a point to pay close attention to "signs" that continually happen around me. For example, words that keep popping up in random conversations, or similar ideas/suggestions that come from friends, family or new acquaintances. When I consciously notice them, and follow-up with some research, those "signs" often lead me in new direction. Some "signs" become almost impossible to ignore once you train yourself to listen for them.

So the word powerlessness or its shortened form "power" has cropped up a lot lately in my deep discussions. The need to find our power within, to  listen to the voice that comes out of that power, and maybe most importantly to act on it. To me, that moves a person from a powerless situation into a power "full" one. I hate being stuck, helpless or watching others struggle or become victims to their life's circumstances -- I am all about finding the power to move on and to move forward. So I read (yes you correctly assume I did not start this book at the beginning) a little further into the book and learned something new I hadn't thought of before.

Brown explains that like most people, she always thought of hope as an emotion --a warm feeling of optimism and possibility. But has since learned she was wrong...

Hope is not an emotion; it's a way of thinking or a cognitive process. In very simple terms, hope happens when:

• We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go).
• We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again).
• We believe in ourselves (I can do this).

Hope is really a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities.*

This was enlightening to me as I never thought of myself as a hopeful person. Realistic is the word I usually choose. I consider myself a resourceful problem solver, never a pie in the sky hopeful person.  I often confront a problem head on with a list of realistic solutions and expectations of what I can achieve.

I was pleasantly surprised then to read her words and realize then by her explanation: I am a hopeful person. I really like that. It lifts my spirit to say that I am hopeful. Especially when it relates to what I can personally achieve. Most days I believe in myself, know where I want to go and have a plan to get there. Even if lately that "plan" is to follow my heart and see where it takes me, that in itself is still a plan, right? I am going to use the word hopeful more often.

So I pose this week's question to you:

How Hopeful Are You? / Question of the Week #22

And more specifically how hopeful are you (about yourself)?

In my years of observation of the world around me, I think it is often hardest for some to have hope about themselves. It somehow seems easier to see potential and possibilities in others, while feeling overwhelmed or even critical of ourselves. I know I often hold myself to higher standards than I hold others too. So a sense of hope can easily be flip-flopped  to a sense of hopelessness if things are not going well. And when we reach the stage where hopelessness is prevalent, we start to lose confidence in ourselves, and in turn lose our sense of self-worth.

Do you truly believe in yourself and your abilities? Are you full of hope when you think of your future? Or does this area of your life need some work?

Hope: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

I would love to hear your answers.

Cheers to finding hope in your life!

*Excerpted from the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

My sister Shelly coined a phrase long ago when my babies were little. When they did something "good", she welled up with tears and announced that as an aunt she had "proud heart." We still use those words today when a child surprises us with their talent, strength, judgment, or general goodness.

But how often do we do we have "proud heart" for ourselves, celebrating our own accomplishments? I will admit it is not very often for me. I may momentarily feel a surge of pride when I master a new skill or situation, but it is quickly replaced by what comes next. There is no time spent lingering on that pride, or basking in its glow. There should be.

Who ever told us we cannot revel in some self-love? Did somewhere along the way we learn or assume that doing so would mean we were being selfish, or boastful?  Or is it just my personality to evaluate myself and feel like whatever I had just done was not "good enough" or not the best I could have done, therefore I did not deserve the kudos?

I may never know how I learned to operate through life by looking ahead and moving forward. It might just be who I am. But I am thinking that we all need to direct some "proud heart" at ourselves and linger in it for a while. If not us, who really will?

And who knows what a little "proud heart" directed at ourselves could bring out in us; more confidence, curiosity, strength, heck it might even allow for a bit of swagger, and some swagger never hurt anyone's self-esteem.

Question of the Week #21 / What have you accomplished lately that you are proud of?

If nothing is coming to mind, maybe you need to move out of your comfort zone and attempt something new. Maybe you are stuck in your old routine, and fear is keeping you from experimenting in a new direction. Maybe you just need a shake up -- in a good and creative way. How about investigating whatever it is you have been thinking about doing --- maybe now is the perfect time to start that something new.

If you have been playing it safe for too long now, maybe you cannot even come up with ideas of what new thing to try....so I will give you some to think about:

• Take a class in something that interests you
• Volunteer for an organization you think is doing good things
• Organize an event for a charity you believe in
• Help someone in need doing something you know how to do easily (make them a dinner, work in their garden etc.)
• Participate in doing something fun with your body : Yoga, GROOVE, Zumba, walking with a group, join the local gym
• Read a non-fiction book about a topic you are interested in
• Start a new hobby --beer making, rock climbing, photography, painting
• Grow a garden
• Try some new recipes to add new food groups into your diet
• Begin journaling via a blog (making it private or public)
• Join a networking group outside of your field to meet new people
• Take lessons to learn to play the instrument you always wished you knew how to play

The list of possibilities to get your creative self flowing is endless. Once you give yourself permission to try some new things you might actually find so many things interesting to you --you will have to make a list of what to try next. And who knows, you may find yourself loving and feeling "proud heart" on a regular basis.

My "proud heart" showed up this week as I realized how taking the GROOVE Facilitator training last weekend really moved me out of my comfort zone. It showed me not only that I can dance, but I can teach others the joy and freedom in dancing like no one is watching. I cannot wait to share this with the world --- my heart is proud of the changes I have made to bring me to my current place of happiness.

Now what about you?

Today is our 28th wedding anniversary.

It is super hard to believe that it was 1985 when we got married. It sounds like forever ago and yet it feels like only yesterday.

As college sweethearts we were all fresh-faced, in love and completely naïve to what life had in store for us. Two kids, two houses and a cottage later, we are still together. Solidly together. But it has not always been a piece of cake; we've had our challenges, the inevitable ups and down, and yet somehow we worked through them all and have come out the other side -- stronger together.

I recognize that we are among the lucky ones.

I suppose as a kid I always assumed that life got easier as we grew up. Not sure how I came to that conclusion, I guess grown ups just seemed to have things together and made it look easy. I always aspired to be like them. Little did I know that with grown up lives come grown up responsibilities. It isn't easier -- it is just more complicated. The stakes are higher. And there is no one to fix things for you.

Raising our boys, with all their busy hands and minds,  and later endless activities --- seemed like that was going to be the most stressful time in life. Working, being a mom of two little ones, staying involved, keeping the house clean, food stocked, clothes washed, remembering to be a wife, a friend, a daughter a sister --- it all can seem overwhelming when you are in the middle of it. Especially when you are always striving to cross the next thing off your to-do-list---like I always was.

I spent many years trying to get control of things I should have just let go of. Who cares if my house is messy or dusty, or the baseboards have never been washed....are you really supposed to clean them? Who looks anyway.

I've learned the importance of slowing life down, of being present, of throwing aside the to do list when someone needs you, and in not living for tomorrow or next week. I'm learning to linger in the present and make each day count.

I am learning to appreciate the little things. Like...

Walks in the sun. Holding hands. Cuddles. A cat call (or two) when I wear something nice. Generous hugs. Smiles. Belly laughs. A kiss just because. A compliment I wasn't expecting. A "how is your day" text. Comfortable silences. The warmth of falling asleep beside the one you love on a cold dark night.

And the relief I feel from the certainty that when I am at my wit's end, my husband will take over for me--no questions asked.

I love that about him.

His little gestures of thoughtfulness and respect mean so much more to me than expensive presents ever could---finding the coffee made for the next morning, laundry folded and put away, the windows washed, the milk replaced in the refrigerator, my computer fixed, whatever I needed help with done when I get home exhausted after a late meeting. Every small thing means so much.

6 months ago when he said: "Just quit your job. I'm not worried you will find another. You will figure it out." I darn near melted.

When someone believes in you that much all things are possible.

28 years ago today I married my best friend. It continues to surprise me how much more I love him every day. Every once in a while I realize that we are not the spring chickens we once were and I try even harder not to take anything for granted. I want a lot more years with my husband, and I certainly do not want it to whir by as fast as the first 28 did.

My house might never be truly clean again. I don't cook homemade meals like I once did, at least not very often. I'm learning not to care. But I am so lucky that even on the darkest days (and there have been some lately) I have great strength by my side. Together I know we can get through whatever challenges life throws at us.

Happy Anniversary to the man I love. It is truly a joy to be your wife.

Retrospection can be a very enlightening thing.

"If I only knew then what I know now",  how many times have you said that?

With age comes wisdom and understanding.

While I've learned you cannot always stop someone from making their own mistakes by sharing what you have gleaned from yours, you can use what you have learned to mentor those who are ready to learn from you.

Question of the Week #20 / If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

As I look back on my life,  there is little I would change. Except maybe to have devoted more time to figuring out my own natural talents earlier in my life. Like most people-- life has a way of chugging along on its own power.  So, I got busy, or maybe I became content, and as a result I stopped growing. I stopped paying attention to what made me tick, what energized me and I lost myself for a while. I found myself doing what I dislike most, being stagnant.

So, if I had it to do over again I would start figuring out my "sweet spot", my purpose, my element as Ken Robinson calls it --earlier than I did. I think if I had, I might already be on my next move instead of questioning what it should/could be almost daily.

Many of my greatest inspirations are from real women who reinvented themselves later in life.  I wrote a post about my friend Edie a while ago, she reinvented, and I so admire her for it. Reading it reminds me that there still might be time for me.

Heck--if I had gotten moving earlier I might even have my Master's Degree in psychology already, or my teaching certificate, or my MSW.... or my yoga studio or have started a my own school.

What about you? Would you change anything?

P.S. For some the hard part might be in having to choose only one thing to change.

So this week has been pretty busy. And also pretty energizing.

I had the opportunity to be a small part of making TEDxGR 2013 happen yesterday. What that team of volunteers pulled off simply blows my mind. I have so many people to thank for bringing their incredible talents to the table and executing it close to perfection. (More on this later).

I'm exhausted though, and way behind on life. So,  I'm taking it easy this week and asking a random question....

Question of the Week #19 / If You Could Own One Article of Clothing From Any Film Ever Made, What Would You Take?

I told you it was random. But when I saw this question I had an immediate answer.

Dorothy's shoes.

I'd want those shoes sit on my shelf and remind me of what can be done when a person puts their own power behind something. Their passion. Their energy. Their vision.

We all have the power within us to accomplish our dreams.

I saw so many examples yesterday at TEDxGR that came to fruition or are on their way to happening. From everyone I ran into: the speakers at TEDxGR, the volunteers, the attendees, the performers, and the core team who pulled it off.

I'm. So. Inspired.

And now equally empowered to accomplish my dream.

In the words of the Good Witch:  "You had the power all along, my dear!"

Tag---You're it!

There's things that happen in a person's life that are so scorched in the

memory and burned into the heart that there's no forgetting them.  --John Boyne

When you think back to when you were little, or even over the whole of your life, what things stand out to you? Are they specific memories? Are they general thoughts or visions --you know riding your bike through the field, searching for Morel mushrooms, playing Barbies, beads, kickball?

Or are they compliments? Criticisms? Accomplishments? Things that were said to you that hurt your feelings? Are you in specific places:  like your basement, your cabin or cottage, on a vacation, at your Grandparent's house or at school? Do all the memories have a common theme to them? (i.e. do they involve bike riding, or food, action -- sports, swimming, biking, kick ball or vacations?) Now think about how you see those memories....are they in first person or third? Is it like watching a movie of the scene with you in it --as if it is videotaped? Or are you seeing it through your eyes, in first person --- or is it a snapshot, like a photo in an album? Obviously I've got lots and lots of questions I can ask and this exercise works best if you are sitting across the table from me, but this will have to do for now. Being a substitute teacher in many schools and districts gives me the opportunity to ask these questions to captive audiences. (one benefit I LOVE of being a sub is having a tiny bit of wiggle room in what you need to accomplish in the class). I am taking  every opportunity lately to help kids learn to see their own natural talents, and also understand the natural talents of others. While some are bored as I ask my questions, most are interested and play along with me. (Heck it is better than doing history or science homework, right?). There are some kids that ask me why I want to know how they think, and my short answer is that I am fascinated by how individual (yet the same) we all are. I am interested in memories because I feel they tell us something about our personalities. (I just haven't figured it out yet)--but, I will. So if you are willing to share yours in the comment section of this blog, I will use it to make my observations. Think of the millions of memories that are stored in our brains. Why do only certain things stand out? There has to be a reason. Are they life defining, did they initiate change in us, did they scare us, delight us, move us? Clearly,  I'm fascinated...

Question of the Week: In Looking Back to When You Were Young, What Do You Remember?

I remember most things as if I can see the scene--as if there was a videographer in the corner filming parts of my life. Very rarely do I see it through my own first person eyes. Certain parts (earlier years) I see in photos. The common thread between many of my memories is that they are things that people said to me. Whether it be an adult telling my mom I was bossy, or overhearing another saying that I had gotten fat in college, or a neighbor stopping to report that I had ridden my bike down the driveway and turned into the street (without stopping at the bottom of my driveway and looking). I remember them all. Not the praises, or the compliments, those really didn't stand out to me--it was the criticisms, the mistakes I made. I remember some scary things, like my sister cracking her head open so many times, my dad's tonsils hemorrhaging, the time I fell off a bike and scraped up my knee so bad it is still scarred.  The one or two times I heard my parents fight. I remember being embarrassed when a boy asked me to "go with him", and I asked, "Go where?" He meant, "Will you go steady and be my girlfriend?" Oops. I remember not being prepared for presentations or tests and knowing I did not do my best. I remember all the things that I learned lessons from. Because that is the kind of mind I have. I have learned that I am a highly sensitive person, and that is one of our traits, to always be thinking, learning, and never making the same mistake twice. It might seem like I was unhappy growing up but you'd be wrong. Because I was so happy, and safe, I don't think of only good memories like some people who didn't have as secure of a childhood as I did, I remember my life as a kid in a general sense: as carefree, happy, fun. Summers were hot and stretched on forever. Winters were filled with adventure. I read, I played games, I built forts, did puzzles, crafted, searched for Indian mounds and rocks, collected night crawlers, spent endless hours fishing in a boat with my whole family.  I can recall all those as well, in general senses, but specific memories are the ones that caused me to learn, to change, to grow, to confront, to accept. And because of that, I remember them. What do your memories tell you?

“Unhappy memories are persistent. They're specific, and it's the details that refuse to leave us alone. Though a happy memory may stay with you just as long as one that makes you miserable, what you remember softens over time. What you recall is simply that you were happy, not necessarily the individual moments that brought about your joy. But the memory of something painful does just the opposite. It retains its original shape, all bony fingers and pointy elbows. Every time it returns, you get a quick poke in the eye or jab in the stomach. The memory of being unhappy has the power to hurt us long after the fact. We feel the injury anew each and every time we think of it.” ―   Cameron Dokey

About four years ago I had an epiphany; I realized that if I died that day my life would not have mattered.I don't mean to say that no one would miss me, or to assume that I hadn't made a few ripples in the world around me. Yet, something in me yearned for more substance. I realized I wanted to make a mark. To take a stand. To do something different. I wanted to leave something behind that would change the way the world thinks. (Or at least my corner of it).

Growing up middle class, sheltered and afraid of things that were different, I had always played it safe. That meant doing the right thing, being responsible, and taking care of my own. But I never took opportunities to stretch beyond my limited comfort zone. I never allowed myself to grow into the person I was meant to be.

My answer since that day has been to look within to understand myself.  To uncover, and discover what makes me unique. In the process I've learned so much, and it has in turn helped me to be able to really "see" other people. It's almost freaky at times. I am beginning to understand my natural talents, my strengths, the way my mind works (and most importantly of all) discovered that it operates differently from everyone else's. Such a simple, yet powerful thought for me to grasp. You would have thought I got that long ago, but somehow it never really sunk in.

As I travel from school to school, and class to class these days --substitute teaching, I am just beginning to understand the flaws inherent in our public school system. I am seeing that in our effort to leave no child behind, we are instead leaving nearly all children behind ---or, at the very least missing the boat on how we could help them truly flourish.

Our system is based on learning in a world that no longer exists. It is antiquated, outdated, and it is not working. (There are always exceptions and clearly I have seen some things working). I do not the fault teachers, in fact, I have gained huge respect for what they have to do on a daily basis. But I want to make it better. I see a way that it can work, and I am going to fix it. My plan is working itself out---it becomes clearer every day.

I will be able to make the mark on my corner of the world --- I've got a vision. I've been tagged. Stay tuned and soon I will share more of my plan with you....

So the Question of the Week # 17 / What would you want people to say about you during your eulogy? What would you like your tombstone to say about your life?

While this activity may seem morbid, it is a thought-provoking way to consider the kind of impact and purpose you want to have in your life. That being said, it is also really hard, but here is what I would want said.

Terri lived her life authentically, honestly and with purpose. By learning to open her heart and share that process with others, she was able to positively impact her corner of the world. Terri mattered.

I'd like to think that the words: Gone, but not forgotten will be true for me. How about you? Does this question make you squirm or do you know how you want to be remembered?

Think back to when you were a kid. What were you like? Do you remember? I think that most of us have an idea of what our personalities were like as children-- either from pictures, family stories or what our parents, siblings or other family members told us. I see memories from my past in movie form. Not like my whole life in a movie, but I remember certain scenes, random places and times from a third-party view. As if I am in the corner of the room filming it.

Back then I see the little me as always observing people. I watched interactions between people, studied people's unique gestures, and noticed the body language of people interacting in a group. If I thought one of my mom's friends was pretty, I wanted to be like her. I mimicked their gestures, listened to the flirting between the adults, watched my mom hostess.

I know back then I never liked standing out, preferring instead to blend in. I never liked doing much that was scary, silly or risky. I wanted to be liked and I definitely did not want to do anything wrong. While not shy, I rarely took center stage or wowed anyone. And I liked it that way.

Question of the Week #16 / If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be?

The first word that comes to mind when I see myself from that third-party perspective , is cautious.

I was cautious as a kid.

The kind of kid that followed the rules and didn't break things, have accidents or get stitches. (Until I was 14 and got bit by a dog.)

So what word describes you as a small person?

P.S. .....and if you'd care to share how memories from your childhood come to you, I'd love to know.

We all have situations or people that get us going or that push our "hot buttons".  I've often recommended that people pay attention to the things that make them the most mad in life, because it tells something about their personality. For example if rudeness bothers you --- you are probably a polite person. If meanness irritates you, you are more than likely a kind person. If you get ticked when people are late, you are probably punctual. You get the idea....Lately I've noticed that certain things frustrate me--and fast. Not sure if it is my age, or what I call my current lack of a filter, or if I am just more sensitive to the ridiculous than I once was. Messy counters, or a less than clean house used to stress me out, but now I have zero patience for people who don't make sense. Or that I believe are "fake".  You know the ones I mean, those who talk the talk but are not walking the walk?

If I use that same formula of turning frustrations around into personality traits for myself, that would tell me that I am both logical and real. And I agree with that. So let's see if this formula works for you.

Question of the Week #15 : What are your biggest frustrations?

Once you list them, turn them around to the positive and see if they align with your personality.

And truthfully, I do have a few additional frustrations: Indecision, Injustice, Rudeness, Red tape, Selfishness, Liars, and Ridiculous Rules. They all make me a little crazy. And I seem to be getting worse about hiding it.

Understanding what frustrates you is helpful so you can avoid the type of situations (or people) where you are most likely to encounter those stresses. I'd love to hear if this exercise worked for you or not. Please feel free to leave me a comment.

P.S. Have a great weekend. I'm off to Design for Good.

Courage like no other.

It's true, I lied this week.

And, I never lie. But this time I did…I lied about my biggest fear(s).

I said that my biggest fears were: not moving forward, being helpless, or being insignificant (not mattering).

And I left one out, the biggest one. I lied by omission.

What I couldn't say is that my biggest fear is losing one of my children. I couldn’t say it because it  just happened to my best friend from high school. She lost her 18 year old daughter in a tragic and unexplainable car accident.

In the blink of an eye, Addie is gone, and she's never coming back.

It is the scariest thing ever to think about. It’s been two weeks and I still cannot wrap my head around it. I cannot imagine how my friend felt/ feels. I just can't. It hurts too much to try, and it makes it all so incredibly real. I cannot fathom the depths of her pain.

When I heard the news that Addie was gone, it rocked me so hard I could barely breathe. Who can imagine anything more awful than losing your child? I know I can’t.

And it scares me so much I couldn't admit the truth to you before.

But I went with my friend to Iowa to attend the memorial service and I have seen her strength. My friend is a survivor. She will face this as she has so many challenges in her life, and she will survive. Her strength inspires me to tell the truth about my lie.

My biggest fear is losing a child. 

My prayers are with my friend, her son and the many who loved princess Addie.  She will never be forgotten.

What are you scared of? What terrifies you the most? What holds you back from being the best you?

While these kinds of questions don't always bring out the positive in us, they do make us face up to what lies beneath. I have read that the biggest lens of all is our own denial. So, how would your life improve if you faced your biggest fears head-on? Would it take away the worry that gives you  insomnia? Would it help you be able to make a decision and move forward on something that you have been stalled on? Would you take a risk instead of playing it safe? Change your job? Get out of an unhealthy relationship?

Facing our biggest fears is sometimes exactly what we need to do to get the courage to move forward.

What is Your Biggest Fear? / Question #14

My biggest fears would be: not moving forward, being helpless, or I suppose being insignificant. (not mattering).

Yes, I have irrational fears like roller coasters, snakes, mice, cockroaches, lice etc. but those aren't the kinds of fears I'm asking about. I am talking about the deep kind of fears, the ones that paralyze you from living the life you really want.

A lot of people will put fear of  failure on their list. I don't. That doesn't mean I am a risk taker (far from it) but once I set a path, I really don't worry about failing. I believe that giving your all, doing your best (which I always strive to do) means you won't  really "fail" even if things don't work out the way you once thought. The knowledge gained along that journey, to me, is forward progress. It is the being stuck and not moving forward, or not learning from my mistakes that scares me most.

I'm in a sense facing one of my biggest fears in life right now. I'm feeling stuck. What should I do next? What one of my many ideas/dreams/passions should I put my forward motion and energy behind? In having too many options, I am finding myself slightly paralyzed. And that scares me most of all.

I have faith that I will figure it out, it will all make sense-- soon. But this waiting is totally nerve wracking for a doer like me.

I wish you the courage to answer this thoughtfully. To really think it through and identify your fears. The ones that lie deep within. In acknowledging them, I have no fear you will grow stronger. Braver. Better.

It is not a secret to anyone who knows me that I have spent the last few years struggling to find my place in the world. What is super weird is that up until 2009 I had spent my whole life on a direct path, in fact you could say I always knew exactly where I was headed. And then seemingly overnight, I lost my way (or maybe it is more appropriate to say I began to find my way). I veered off course and have been taking a series of new paths, most of which have dead ended, ever since.

Who knew I was heading off in search of my encore career; where I could make a living while making a difference?

Yesterday as I was turning away from the non-fiction new releases shelf at the library, with three new books under my arm, I felt a weird sense that I was missing something important. I scanned through the new titles seeing nothing relevant. Just as I was about to give up, The Encore Career Handbook, by Marci Alboher and its very relevant tagline “How to make a living AND a difference in the second half of life” jumped out at me.

I had heard the words “encore career” from someone a few weeks earlier and hadn’t yet followed up on the lead. So finding this book was a sign for me. And sure enough from page one I felt an immediate sense of relief that I was not alone and I wasn’t going crazy (or worse yet), having a senior moment.  There are others in the world like me, possibly 31 million others according to the book, who are currently in flux and in search of meaningful work. In fact it is fast becoming the new normal for those of us in our second half of life.

To those that attempt to label older workers I suggest you stop trying to quash us. Quash: to put down or suppress completely, to subdue; set aside. I cannot speak for all over 50 workers, but I can say that I am far from done. The book has given me hope that I can, and will, figure out my next move.

I am not an old dog. I can be taught new things, in fact, I am anxious to learn. I will make money and make a difference. Quite possibly my encore “job” will not be labeled a job at all, but rather a “purpose”.

There is great power in purpose, and in numbers. Look out, world-- as soon as those of us in search of our encore careers find our way--we will proudly be showing off our tricks.

If you liked this, you may also want to read:

My Second Half of Life

Links:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/09/27/you-can-teach-an-old-dog-new-tricks/45219.html

Our thoughts are powerful.

Both what we think and how we think affects our attitudes, our energy and our ability to be thankful and happy. If we are stressed or unhappy, it can influence our jobs, our parenting, our relationships, or pretty much any area of our lives. Without even being aware of it, we attract negative energy. (And being in a funk can make it hard to feel thankful or grateful for anything.)

I know, I've been there.

So this week's question is: Do you have a grateful heart? If yes, make a list of the things you are grateful for. If no, maybe you need to make some changes.

At one point in my own transformation I could not find much to be thankful for. How sad is that? I look back at that time in my life and realize that I was in a big funk and could not appreciate all that I had.

Here are some entries into my gratefulness journal that got me started thinking positively.

I am thankful for:

A warm house.

A safe journey home for everyone.

A clean(ish) house.

A loving and patient husband.

Being able to stand up for myself at work without getting emotional.

A family who loves and supports me.

Children who challenge me.

Sisters. Friends. My yoga community.

Options. Choices.

Energy to set a goal and accomplish it.

I am so happy to have moved past that bleak time in my life when I could find little to be grateful for. I now appreciate the little things, the big things, and everything in between. I learned that we all have the ability to control how we react to the situation(s) in our lives. And we can choose to be grateful.

In answering the Question of the Week, if you find little to put on your gratefulness list, maybe something is not aligned properly in your life.

Here are some ideas to get you started on a path to appreciation.

1. Keep a spiritual journal -- write down when you experience special moments or meet inspirational people.

2. Share your gratitude with others --sometimes it helps you appreciate things more when you say them out loud to another person.

3. Create a morning or evening gratitude ritual of recording your thoughts. Choosing a time of day and staying consistent with that makes you look forward to that time to think and reflect.

4. Ask others what they're grateful for. Read blogs, ask friends or coworkers, or read a motivational book. Find a way to learn from others.

5. Use a gratitude token (a rock,) a charm-- or something, that you can keep with you and randomly encounter throughout the day to remind you to be thankful.

Gratitude is a spiritual, emotional and mental practice. Practice gratitude slowly, and watch it grow.