I'm a big believer in the need for everyone to have enough quiet time to think, dream, and create. I've learned it's crucial for my personal sanity. There are so many distractions in our daily lives it is hard to find the time to slow it down, to shut out those distractions, and to just "be". Because of that,  our minds rarely get the chance to wander freely.

As life got crazy busy for me this past year, I've had to "sneak" in moments for my creative thoughts to break through the clutter. That means I have become very deliberate in cultivating my quiet. Interestingly I noticed a pattern that developed around the places and spaces where I do my best thinking. Armed with this knowledge, I'm very consciously patterning my new direction in life to allow myself these opportunities.

This week's Question of the Week /Question #5 is :

Where are you when you have your best thoughts?

Close your eyes and think back to your last really great idea. Where were you? What were you doing? Is there a special place that you go to when you need to think things out? Or do thoughts and "aha" moments just randomly hit you? Make sure you explore that randomness to make sure you didn't miss a pattern where the creative thoughts and ideas come to you most often.

Consciously making time for our creative space, and giving ourselves the opportunity to be in the places where we have our best thoughts is like giving a gift to ourselves. I hope you will pay attention to those spaces and places in your life where your creativity shines.  Make space for them in your life and part of your plan to become A Better You.

My Answers:

I've realized my best thoughts come from 5 main places.

1. When I'm driving. (I don't text and drive;  I write and drive).

2. When I'm cleaning (I'm especially inspired while vacuuming).

3. When I'm sleeping. (Too bad I cannot write and sleep at the same time).

4. When I'm laying in the sun....(I fill notebooks with my words).

5. When I walk. (I use my phone's recorder to collect my thoughts).

Have a great weekend filled with quiet time for YOU.

P.S. Next week we will be reviewing answers to our first five questions and searching for common themes. I hope you are keeping all your answers in a journal so you can refer to them for reference.

This week I started sharing the news with everyone that I am leaving my current job. It's weird to talk about, especially when you don't have anywhere specific to move to, and because I am not old enough to actually just "retire".  It makes for longer conversations, and some interesting reactions.

Bewilderment, Awkwardness, Pessimism, Optimism, Jealousy, Admiration, and one I didn't count on Camaraderie.  Telling my story seems to invoke some serious "girl power" and a kind of a "you go girl" attitude from other women. I love that.

It also seems to be an open invitation for other women who have been secretly harboring their own dreams, to share them with me. I really love that. Who knew that me taking a step toward my dreams would help others give a voice to theirs?

So this week's question is this: If money were no object, what would you do for free just because you love it?

Take out the thoughts about figuring out something that makes good money. And the concern about whether anyone would pay you to do it. Put aside the self-doubt, and all those practical thoughts... and just imagine what you would do if you could do whatever you wanted. What would life be like?

Don't be discouraged if you don't have an immediate answer....sometimes it takes time to bring dreams to the surface. And experimentation. This exercise is not to clearly point you in your life's direction but to get you thinking about the things you'd do if you had the time and the chance.

My Answer

My answer to this question is not clear. Which is why I am on my current journey  and going "off the safe & responsible path"....to see if I can clarify. Partly by trying things and deciding what I don't want to do by process of elimination. Here is what I do know...

• I know I'd spend time with youth--mentoring and teaching things I think are important: truth, responsibility, self-confidence, purity of intentions and encouraging kids to make something of their lives, by believing in themselves. It seems to come back to an afterschool program or a life skills high school class. Does that mean I want to teach?
• I'd write more, maybe I'd even write a book--I know I'd blog more. And I'd interview people and write their stories for publication.  Does that mean I want to be a feature writer?
• I'd continue exploring this idea I have to work amongst a cooperative group of women, each of us bringing to the table what we do best, and doing it from wherever we do it best;  our homes, a coffee shop, our office space. We'd do it better than it's ever been done. Does that mean I want to own a business? Or start a club of sorts?
• I'd spend time helping others uncover their strengths and help them operate from their "sweet spot". Does that mean I want to be a life coach?
• And I'd cook, trying recipes, tweaking them and sharing them. I love entertaining people I love with food. Does that mean I want to publish a recipe book?

I am able to answer this question, only it seems to make more questions for me. Be prepared that it might make more for you as well. What I am shooting for in my own life is to eventually answer it like my friend did this week. She said: I want to bake. I want to own my own company, and bake for people. She has a name for her company, an idea of what her logo will look like, and a clearly defined dream. I'm so proud of the progress she has made in the last couple of weeks, the certainty and strength of this dream seems to grow each time she talks about it.  I've already hired her for an event I am in charge of, and I plan to do all I can to help make her dream happen. I'm all about girl power and helping to make dreams come true...now if only I could define my own so clearly.

So what is your dream: will you share it? Do you know it? Write down what you'd do if money were no object... or if you are like me, write down the many things you'd do if making money were no object.

So can I tell you something that's not really a secret (it feels like one) but is just really weird for me to say, before I give you the question of the week?

{Big sigh.} I quit. I'm not a quitter, but I quit.

As in... I resigned from the job I've had for one year. I work for a really really great place, with talented people, who do awesomely creative printing, and who have all the forward-thinking potential I desire in an employer. And yet, I up and quit.

Am I in the throes of a mid-life crisis? No. Yes. Maybe? I'm actually not sure. All I know is that I needed to make a change, because it wasn't working for me. I'll share more on this later, but I wanted you to know that I don't pretend to have the answers, I just like asking the questions. And answering them, too.  I'm on a mission to align who I feel I am on the inside with what I "do" on the outside.

Here is Question #3 : If you had a whole day to yourself, to do anything you wanted....how would you spend it?

(Don't be practical and think that you have to take a vacation day to do this, or get a babysitter to watch the kids for the day so you can make the most of it, just think a whole day for you, a "free" day-- to do whatever YOU want. What would you do?)

Here's what I'd do:

• I'd walk and/or do yoga in the morning
• I'd catch up on facebook, and twitter and lots of blogposts I don't have time to read
• I'd cook something yummy
• I'd clean the house so it sparkled, unless I was at the cottage...then I'd be out in the sun or behind the boat as soon as possible
• I'd write;  a blogpost, a feature article, something
• I'd read, take notes, and learn
• I'd have friends and/or family over for dinner and karaoke (as long as my kids were there to sing with me)
• I'd hold hands with my husband, cuddle and smile, a lot

I'm good with low-key and slow. With time to breathe. And to think. And to create. And to appreciate.

I can't wait to hear what you'd spend your free day doing.

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Welcome back to The Question of the Week.

Question #2 is:  When I Grow Up I Want to Be  a____________________. (But there' s a twist).

Think back to when you were a kid. What kinds of activities did you play the most? Do you remember telling people what you wanted to be when you grew up? Given a wide open opportunity to do whatever you wanted, what did you choose to visualize yourself doing?

I believe that when we are kids we have an innate sense of who we are and what our individual strengths are. I think we gravitate to activities that are easy for us, and that we are good at. What role or roles did you play act as a kid? Did you see yourself as a nurse, a doctor, a dancer, a teacher, a fireman, an engineer, an actress or a rock star? What did you ideally want to be?

Last spring I had the pleasure of visiting my sister's fourth grade class. She let me ask them a question, and I asked if anyone knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. So many kids immediately raised their hands I decided it would be easier to go around the room and let everyone have a chance to answer. Almost every kid had a clear idea of what they wanted to be when they grew up, and were excited to share it. I was floored. They made it seem so easy. I realise now they simply chose from their  strengths and gravitated toward what came easy to them. I have to admit, at the time, I found myself a little envious of their clarity.

It was also  interesting to me that they didn't all choose things that were unrealistic, like being movie stars, dancers or rock stars, although there were a few of those, they mostly chose things like veterinarian, doctor, engineer, artist, and at least one boy wanted to work with computers. Occupations that were not only possible, but plausible. It was awesome. And very telling.

So what happens to our early plans, why do we give up on our dreams? Why do we change our minds by the time we get to high school and then again when we arrive at college? Maybe we all need to take the time to think back .

Write down what you remember spending time playing as a kid. What did you like best about those roles? Think about how you view yourself (your skills and personality) now and ask yourself if those early roles were a good fit for you? Were they a better fit than what you are doing now?

In my early years I played a secretary (organized), a teacher (in charge ) and a newspaper reporter (curious writer). By the time I got to high school I had changed my mind and wanted to be a psychologist, an archaeologist and then a television anchor.

Obviously I became none of the above. And yet if I look at my skills and my personality, I realize I align more with the roles the younger me chose. In some ways I have come full circle back to them. If I could choose a new path for myself, tomorrow, I'd be a writer, a teacher and/or a project manager.

I'd love to hear what your memories are telling you. If you feel like sharing, please leave me a comment.

Until next week....

P.S. Are you joining The Question of Week for the first time? Click here for last week's question, or click on the Question of the Week category for an explanation and all related posts.

My New Year's Resolution is to focus on three words in my daily life: Simplify, Appreciate & Linger.

As I spent these last two weeks away from work, I intentionally kept those three words in my mind, and I am happy to report that I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Between Christmas and New Year's we were able to get away to the quiet of my sister's cottage--and even she commented on how much calmer I was. Normally I am always keeping things picked up and cleaning up after everyone, apparently also stressing everyone else out, but this year I concentrated on internal things. I listened to what my heart and head were saying I needed. If I felt like dillydallying, I did just that. If I felt like pinning on Pinterest for an hour or two, I did it. I even let the countertops get messy. I took my focus inward and when I did, it affected how I was perceived by others on the outside. Who knew the shift in my attitude would be so noticed by those around me? That thought will require some additional processing on my part.

Maybe this inward focus and life without a plan approach will be exactly what I need to allow my life to change direction. To the happier. To the place where I am supposed to be.

I have lingered (a lot) in the past two weeks, gotten sidetracked a time or six, and it has been EXACTLY what I needed. What both my mind and my body needed. In my pre 2013 way of thinking I would have evaluated my accomplishments during vacation and found them seriously lacking in the quantitative department.

But that was the old me, and the new me is content with my lack of accomplishment. Life off the path certainly has its rewards.

How about you, ever feel the need to stop the train?

Welcome!I am super pumped you joined me for Question #1 of The Question of the Week and so happy you're taking the first step toward becoming a better you. You can take this challenge as seriously or as simply as you choose, but either way it will be helpful if you record your thoughts in one consistent place. You will want to refer back to them later.

The Question: (This week it is from The Passion Test, By Janet Bray Attwood & Chris Attwood)

When my life is ideal, I am ______________.

Close your eyes and picture your ideal life. What are you doing? Who are you with? Where are you? How do you feel? Or maybe how don't you feel (stressed)?

Now make your list of at least 10 things, or as many as come to mind. (And remember there are no right or wrong answers, so don't overthink).

GO!

Terri's Answer

Here is what I wrote last fall while reading The Passion Test and doing my end of cottage season laundry in the Baldwin laundromat.

When my life is ideal, I am:

Surrounded by friends and family

At my cottage

Healthy

Able to write

Able to think

Able to read

Able to learn new things

Able to try new things, and experiment with my creativity

Helping people figure themselves out

Able to make good food

Comfortable, relaxed, happy

Outdoors

Tan

Able to bounce ideas off others

Making a difference

Contributing

Valued

My opinions matter

I can help others learn from my mistakes

I can be "me" with all my faults and strengths

Appreciated

I connect deeply

Obviously as the ideas began to flow I lost the sentence "form" I was supposed to be writing in, but I think you can still get the gist.

Have fun. Write down your answers. Share them if you'd like, I'd love to hear them. And save them...we'll use your answers later to help clarify.

P.S. And if you are really feeling energetic---get the book. I started with a copy from the library and ended up buying my own at Schuler's. It's that helpful.

Question #2 will be up next week Friday.

I'm excited to announce that tomorrow I will be adding a regular feature to my blog called: The Question of the Week.

The Question of the Week will be posted every Friday and is designed to encourage deeper thinking about yourself, your life, your passions, and your strengths & weaknesses. It is my hope that answering them will facilitate personal growth for all who participate.

Why dig deeper?

While I believe that it is never too late to begin understanding yourself, I also believe you should pay attention from a young age to the things that make you go “aha” and fill you with passionate energy. No matter what stage of life you are in, answering The Question of the Week will help you uncover your passions, highlight your interests and help you understand yourself better.  It may even help you determine what you want to be when you grow up, what you want to do next in life, or where you want to be ten years from now. Who knows, the life you truly desire might become clearer.

We all hope for happiness and personal fulfillment in our home lives and our work lives. The first step in achieving them is to truly begin to understand ourselves. And that takes commitment and courage. I challenge you to answer these 52 questions and to invest in your potential in 2013.

Because I know that together we can grow and keep each other on track, I will be answering the questions right along with you. I’d love to create a dialogue around our answers. Feel free to comment on the blog, email me privately, or share your thoughts with me in person if you know me in the real world….. I'm here to listen, to learn and to help.

First Question of the Week posts tomorrow. 7 am. Will you be ready?

2012 was definitely a year best described as challenging.

It involved many firsts, a couple of successes, one epiphany, and way too many failures to count. Not my best year ever.

Words like turbulent, tense, & gut wrenching describe a year that seemed to fly by (and last forever) all at the same time. I came to understand how hard it can be to fit in and I tasted the bitter disappointment of realizing that giving something your best is not always good enough.

On a positive note, I did learn a LOT. About me. My strengths. My interests. My passions. My limits. And especially, my shortcomings. I immersed myself in the world of digital printing and caught onto its inner workings more quickly than I ever thought I would. I discovered how much I am energized by teaching. And writing. And helping people maximize their potential.

There was a lot of failure for me in 2012. But I persevered, and stretched myself to points far out of my comfort zone. Our household had unexpected developments, which brought about massive regrouping and tears. Many tears. My biggest mistake might have been in losing faith in myself. That fact alone allowed the good of the year to be overshadowed by the bad. And all of it added to the frantic speed at which the year cruised by.

I missed so many little things. Like conversations about nothing.

Or having a clean house.

The joy of cooking.

Fun and laughter of impromptu game & karaoke nights.

The satisfaction from getting a deal while shopping for nothing specific.

Oh, sleep. I missed so much sleep.

And I missed being happy.

So it is with a huge sigh of relief that I let go of 2012 and all its angst. And replace it with a sigh of anticipation for 2013 and the affirmation that this year will be different. And better. If for no other reason than my approach and attitude will be different. And better. I’m starting anew.

The three words I plan to live and breathe in 2013 are:

Simplify |  Appreciate | Linger

Simplify: To make less complex or complicated, make plainer or easier.

Appreciate: To value, to be fully conscious of, to be aware of, to raise in value.

Linger: to dwell in contemplation, thought or enjoyment; to dawdle; to walk slowly; to saunter along.

Oh, and while I am at it, I might throw in several savors,

… some dawdling,

A traipse or two...

...And at least 1000 dillydallys.

Anyone care to join me? What about you, what will you be doing in 2013?

We could have been at a cookout, a school function, really we could have been anywhere. As I sat across the table from one of West Michigan's most inspiring women leaders, I realized that she was trying to make me feel comfortable. Something I attempt to do in nearly every conversation I participate in, so it was interesting to be on the receiving end of that hospitality. I spent an hour with her, and during that time I felt like I was the only person in the room, and that she was totally focused on me. It was an incredibly empowering feeling.

Kathy Crosby is CEO and President of Goodwill of Greater Grand Rapids. Leader of many, wife, mom and grandma to her growing family, and mentor to me. I first encountered Kathy at a YNPN (Young NonProfit Professionals Network) meeting, where she shared three tips for success to the group. Her forty-five minute talk made me cry right there at the table. They were tears of joy I realize now, her words providing me an affirmation that I wasn't alone in my feelings of wanting to make a difference in the world around me. And doing it while still being authentically me, and making money. Among her humorous and well told stories about how she ended up at the head of an organization employing hundreds of people, and who's mission statement is changing lives and communities through the power of work, she suggested that everyone find a mentor.

Afterwards, I asked if she would be my mentor. Thus the reason I was sitting across the table from her sharing lunch at Olive Garden and thinking how lucky I was, and how much I appreciated that she would carve out time in her busy schedule to talk with me.

Listening to Kathy tell stories of her growing up years it is obvious that she became the person she is today because she had an inspiring mother. Kathy tells stories about "Mama Tudy" and her job as a "nurse" in the state mental hospital. Think mental ward, shock therapy and then picture her mother becoming so invested in the potential of her patients that she brought them home to help rehab them back into society. Something like that had the power to go really wrong, instead it went so right it inspired Kathy to carry on in her mother's footsteps. Kathy has worked for the Goodwill mission for 30 + years. As a young girl she saw how the actions of one inspiring person could change the lives of many, and continues to use her faith in the Goodwill mission to change the world.

It makes me wonder how much better the world could be if we all recognized and invested in the "human power" that is all around us. What might be the potential of the collective power of everyone doing something good to move the world forward?

I thought Goodwill was just a place to drop off old clothes and items I didn't want or need anymore and actually felt guilty making someone else deal with my "junk". The retail store was only on my radar when we needed inexpensive clothes for Halloween costumes. Kathy explained what it means to be a self sustainable organization, and as a result I am not only a Goodwill supporter, I am a Goodwill believer. (I even shop there now. ) Visit Goodwill's website and you'll notice immediately that something is missing; they don't ask for money. Instead they ask for your unwanted items, because taking your "junk" employs people and turns lives around.

Meeting Kathy allowed me to glimpse the raw power that exists when a person finds their right place in life. So the goal to make my life matter is achievable, I just need to find the right organization, the right mission and the right message. Thank you Kathy for your generosity and inspiration. My life has been impacted by you, now let 's hope I can use what I've learned to make a difference in my corner of the world.

I don't expect gifts at Christmas anymore. My boys don't even attempt to get me anything. In their defense, I'm super hard to buy for. I purchase what I need (or want) when I see it, because I've learned that if I don't, it will be gone. I don't even make a list. Usually I am in the Christmas spirit immediately after Thanksgiving, I love to buy presents and to entertain around the holidays. This year, everything seemed a bit lackluster. It might have been the lack of snow, or the fact that I was too busy with work, or that I had no energy to arrange any get togethers.

Or it could just be the sad fact that two of my "kids" no longer live with us and it messed with my joy.

There was something missing this Christmas for me. My spirit. I missed my "almost daughter" Sadie and our long talks by the tree. I missed the antics and goofy laughter of her little brother Jeffrey. (I secretly kept hoping he'd surprise us and show up to hang his special ornament on the tree.)

It's not like I don't see Sadie or communicate with her fairly often, she even unexpectedly took the day off work and came along to the Spaulding Family Christmas in Jackson last Saturday. But I find I just miss the day to day stuff with her. It's the little things that make the holiday special for me, and those little things were missing.

On Christmas Eve our tradition is for my entire family to come over for dinner and games. And this year Sadie drove over to be with us. We played a game called two truths and a lie and laughed our heads off at each other, then Sadie opened her presents. Normally the kids open their presents on Christmas morning, so it was for me a little bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be there in the morning. I loved that we at least got to see her.

It was a bit of a surprise when she showed up on Christmas Day at my mom and dad's house around dinnertime though and asked to read us all something. She unfolded a lined sheet of notepaper and read aloud what she'd begun writing when she got home the night before.

Dear Family:

Love, peace & laughter are three words that come to mind when I think of you all. You have taught me so much about unconditional love, peaceful holidays and the sound of real laugher. I've never had the courage to stand in front of you and tell you how grateful I am, and how much I love each of you.

Although the last few years have not been the easiest, you stood by me, asked questions and took the time to get to know me, everything families are supposed to do. You let Jeffrey and I into your hearts & family, so suddenly, that we were never sure how to act around you. I still feel we don't quite understand you sometimes. We were so confused about why such a loving family would want us to be a part of their family.

You know the crazy, the funny, the sad and the silly stories about how we came to be, what we have done and what's happened around us. But still, you make us laugh, cry (tears of joy), and love us as though you've known us our whole lives.

Even though, Jeffrey is not here to assure you of his feelings, I know he just doesn't understand yet. I am truly blessed to be here celebrating another family Christmas with you all.

Merry Christmas and thank you for giving me the chance to call you family.

--Sadie

Proud heart doesn't begin to describe how happy this simple, unexpected and heartfelt "gift" made me feel this Christmas. Sometimes it truly is the little (big) things that bring the greatest joy.  Best Christmas present. Ever.

Here's hoping you found something to bring you joy this holiday.

I am a person who likes to make sincere connections. It's not enough for me to make small talk, I like digging deeper. I want to know who you are. What makes you tick. I want to know your story. Some people, including my kids (and their friends) describe me as intense.

It's a fair statement. I recognize that I am intense. The older I get, the more intense I seem to get. But it is because I'm all about making things matter these days. I refer to the connections and conversations in my life as opportunities to "collect kernels." We meet, we talk, we each hopefully takeaway "something" from our conversation. If we don't, in my book....it was a missed opportunity.

I'm not sure when digging deeper started to matter so much to me, maybe when I passed the halfway point of life and realized that I went through days where I didn't actually matter. I mean, I obviously matter to my family, but I want more than that. I want to make a difference in the world, not just to those who love me because they have to.

I've spent the better part of the last couple years attempting to cut to the chase of who I truly am. I've asked for help along the way, from friends and family, and even from brand new acquaintances who probably had no idea they were helping me figure myself out. I've discovered that I have the ability to challenge people, to inspire them, to guide them, and to sometimes redirect them. All for the sole purpose of helping them move forward. There's really nothing in it for me, other than I just hate to recognize untapped potential and not try to do something about it.

Potential is a person's unused and unrealized power to do, and to become.

Until recently I never knew this "talent" of mine was something unique. But a recent series of events, and a very insightful friend have shown me that it is a "talent," and it must not be squandered. I won't kid you and say this skill makes me popular, in fact it sometimes has totally the opposite effect. I make people uncomfortable, accountable, defensive and maybe even a little mad. For a person who wants to make a positive mark on the human connections in her life, that is NOT my desired result. But it happens, especially with those who need the help and direction the most.

And for that reason I will gladly accept this role of "challenger" for all those in my life who need it.

Personal growth does not come without mistakes. And I've made my fair share this past year, and I no doubt will make more. Discovering who I am and attempting to make a difference in my corner of the world is both freeing and terrifying. But I not only cannot seem to stop myself, I've found I really don't want to.

Two of the biggest compliments I've ever received in my life have come from my children.

One came from my oldest son when I picked him up from break his first year in college. We were driving home, catching up on life and all that was happening at home when out of the blue he said, "Mom-- I read your blog." I was pleasantly surprised, and also a little shocked because at the time I wasn't even sure he knew I had a blog. 

"I like it, " he said. "When I read it, it makes me feel like I'm talking to you."

Biggest compliment ever for me so far about my writing. That is exactly how I want people to feel when they read one of my posts, I want them to feel like we are having a conversation.

The other one was from my almost daughter just this past summer. She had left for her position as a camp counselor in early June, right after we'd had a big fight and she'd moved out. Communication with her had been spotty for the two weeks after the blow up, and I was still feeling incredibly guilty for losing my temper. Randomly one day I got a text from her that said: First, I miss you and second, you are still my conscience in most things I do.

I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. I was relieved that losing my temper hadn't undone all the forward motion I had made, and happy to know that she still felt connected enough to me to care what I thought.

You might be thinking that those are odd choices for me to call out as my two best compliments, and you could be right.

But what matters most to me is what those closest to me think. It is through their eyes I gauge if I am being perceived by the world for who I really am. My kids sort of "have" to love me, but they do get a choice in who they allow to impact them. It makes me over the moon happy to know that my son thinks my writing reaches him in my authentic voice, and that my daughter is slowly being shaped by the life lessons and perspectives I share with her.

Unfortunately many of us see ourselves differently than the world around us does. We even fool ourselves into thinking we are something we are not. I'm working hard to see myself for who I am; the good, and the not-so-good. Accepting who and what we really are is the only way we can become all that we are meant to be.

Hello and welcome to Treelined Roads, my new blog. If you are joining me from my When I Grow Up Blog, thank you for your patience.This blog is not perfect, and it never will be. But I am beyond ready to start blogging again. I've filled journals with words I need to post, and with experiences (both good and bad) that I want to share. Without question I've missed my "voice".

The year 2012 has been one of huge (and sometimes painful) growth. Many times I have been so out of my comfort zone that I felt like a different person, and maybe I even acted like one as well. And yet I have learned so much about me, and the way the world "experiences" me, I can't wait to share it all.

Understand that I am a work-in-progress, that this life of mine is a work-in- progress, and that whatever I say here, I say with one purpose.. to be nothing short of real.

Welcome back, I've sure missed you.

A sure sign of a season change is when the lower deck looks like this.

"In this life we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

-Mother Teresa

I love Michigan for several reasons. One is that I can’t imagine living anywhere that doesn’t have a distinct change of seasons. While I, like most people, think our summer here is too short, I still love me a good season change.

Why?

It keeps things fresh. It signals change. You just get into the routine of summer and before you can even begin to get bored, the nights get a little cooler, the sun sets a little earlier, and the acorns start pinging off the back deck. Sure signs that summer is coming to an end. It is always bittersweet for me, because summer is hands down my favorite season.

But, there is a back to school excitement about fall, even though it has been eons since I was even in school. For me, it’s kind of like starting over. The fun and laziness of summer gets put away with every beach toy and pair of flip flops, making way for lined notebooks filled with a bucket list of possibilities.

I also totally enjoy the wardrobe switch that comes with the season change. Because one thing I get bored (quickly) with, is clothes. A season change usually means new clothes, or if that is not in the budget, at least, different clothes. Clothes that I had put away until they were weather appropriate, and which feel new when I pull them back out of the closet.

As fall arrives I always take stock of my life; my goals, my to do list; my New year’s Resolutions. It’s my wake up call that the year is soon headed for completion, and I’d better re-evaluate how far I’ve gotten on my list of goals. No longer is the sun and warm weather my “golden ticket” to relax, but now fall’s “golden ticket” becomes making some forward progress. And, it usually wakes up my exercise routine, too.

I’ve always been a summer weight gainer. And this year is no exception. The slowness I love about summer quickly morphs into the need to accomplish in the fall. I go back to teaching yoga, attending evening activities, and pursuing new passions.

I go back to reality.

Pretty sure I’d be a little sad if we didn’t have seasons. And leaves turning their beautiful colors. And pumpkin seeds, apples, soups and sweatshirts.

Yep, no doubt about it, summer rules! But deep down, I’m a Michigander. I’m a seasonal girl.

Funny how a year changes everything. At this time last year I was just getting used to the idea of taking on another child. Yesterday, I let him go...

My time with him will forever be etched in my heart. Even if it was all turned around to sound ugly and wrong in court yesterday. I know it wasn't his idea to pretend the experience with us was not a good one. It was his mother's. It was clear by her reaction when the guardianship was terminated that she wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Surprisingly enough, she was actually mad. Mad that the "judge" asked Jeffrey point blank if he was asking to go back and live with his mom, in order to take care of her. Obviously the question hit way too close to home and explains why immediately afterward, she stormed out of the courtroom.

Her reaction made it all the worse for me. Because it gave confirmation to me, that her intentions were not honorable. For Jeff's sake I had hoped they would be. I wanted her to want Jeff back because she wanted time with him, I wanted him to be the reason. I fear it was more about something else entirely.

For two months I had quietly been grieving;  knowing inevitably I would have no say, and no control in this matter of such importance. If he wanted to, he was going to go back to her, no matter what I said or who stood behind me in support. Earlier this summer his mother filed paperwork saying we had been unfit guardians. (Although she eventually ended  up dropping her accusations). After court, a mixture of helplessness and anger fueled me through the rest of the day. I asked myself over and over, could I have fought the decision? Yes. Would it have done any good? No. Jeff is 16.5 and the court has no real option but to consider his wishes. Just like when his wish was to join our family to get away from his mother; they listened. In the end, it didn't matter, no one even asked me what I thought. I guess the "judge" could see what was written all over my face. I had no choice but to let him go back to his mom, and back to the life I thought I had saved him from.

How dare she be mad! She got what she wanted, she got Jeff. He sat in court and said he wanted to be returned to her. To cover for her perjury on that original paperwork, he lied in court yesterday and insinuated we took him to Pine Rest because of several attempts at self harm. (We took him to get tested for ADHD and a learning disability.) He told the judge he had gone to therapy while living with us, and had gotten better; in reality I dragged him there three times and he barely said anything.

I'm sorry she put him in a position to have to lie. He knows very clearly how I feel about lying, it can't make him feel good about himself, or his decision to leave us to live with her, knowing that we all know the truth. My heart breaks for that kind of pressure on a kid, no wonder the testing at Pine Rest came back and said he had PTSD---more than likely caused by his own mother.

I remember writing my post about how happy I was last spring because it felt like he had settled in and found a comfortable place here. I look at pictures and see what I thought was a happier kid. One who seemed calmer, and one who smiled and laughed more. In retrospect maybe I was just projecting my happiness onto him, and reading more into things every time he opened up, even if it was only just a little.

Thinking of him now brings tears to my eyes. And an ache to my heart. We will be spending this Labor Day weekend without him, and it will remind me of the promise of last year, and the hope we all had for a better life for him, and with him.

Good luck Jeffrey, I hope someday you realize that everything we did, we did completely for you. Because we believe in you. Our door is always open.

P.S. Didn't I once say that sometimes the hardest part of parenting is letting go? I was right.