Self Criticism. It can be (excuse the term) a ball buster for some people.

Many people are their own worst enemies, spending valuable time and energy criticizing themselves constantly. It gets so bad they find themselves thinking they need to improve themselves in every new situation they face.

So, it is time to ask another hard question... how do you talk to yourself?

1. How does self-criticism show up in your life, and what impact does it have on you and your relationships?

2. What kinds of things does the voice in your head tell you on a regular basis?

3. What specifically stops you from fully appreciating and loving yourself?

I have often said that I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. Miss Perfect is what I call the voice in my head. She looks at every situation I experience and tells me in no uncertain terms how I could have done it better. Or maybe it is more appropriate to say that she tells me how I should have done it differently. For most of my life that is the voice I heard. But lately, there seems to be stronger voice emerging. The one that tells me that I did my best, and my best is all I have.

It helps that I am learning to operate from my sweet spot, and I don't feel off kilter every day. That in itself gives me a more positive outlook and attitude.  And being honest with myself about the things I can and cannot do well, or maybe even admitting the things I don't want to do anymore -- gives me so much more positive energy. It seems easier at 50 to appreciate what I do right, and not beat myself up about what I do less than perfectly.

So if you are still hearing a negative voice in your head, what can you do? According to Mike Robbins in the book Focus On the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation here are some steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge All Your Negative Thoughts and Feelings Honestly

The best way is to speak them out loud to someone you trust. Share all your negativity no matter how silly. The person listening does not even have to say anything in return. The more real and honest you are, the more effective this technique will be.

2. Create a Clean Slate

By letting out your negative thoughts, either speaking or writing them down, you will feel a shift or "loosening" of the grip of negativity. Have someone share back to you all that you have admitted about how you feel about yourself. It might sound ridiculous to you as you hear it all at once,  and that is okay. Get them out, and then be willing to start over with a clean slate.

3. Change Your Physical or Emotional State

Once you have cleared your negativity, do something to shake things up. Change your energy. Yell, sing, dance, jump.....do something unexpected.

4. Verbalize and Visualize What You Want

Speak out loud your positive intentions for what you want to have happen. Be very specific and make sure to keep your statements in the affirmative. Don't say "I don't want to screw it up," when interviewing for a new job, say "I want them to offer me the job on the spot," or whatever the situation is. Allow yourself to feel what is happening exactly how you want it to go.

5. Let It All Go

If you've followed all the steps up to this point, then it is time to let it all go and be in the moment. In doing so, you will position yourself to be ready to transform your negativity toward yourself and create some positive energy in your life.

Many of you will not know these deep self criticizing feelings that some of us feel. In fact, I once wrote a blogpost about self-criticism and shared it will a friend. She did not relate and had no idea what I was talking about. Taken aback by her lukewarm reception, I never posted it because I thought I was in the minority. Instead I have come to realize, she is. Most people do have a version of Miss Perfect in their head, those that don't might even be considered one of the lucky ones.

I encourage you to really ponder the question and to answer it honestly. Then treat yourself like the awesome person you are and work to silence that negative voice in your head. For good.

Two of the biggest compliments I've ever received in my life have come from my children.

One came from my oldest son when I picked him up from break his first year in college. We were driving home, catching up on life and all that was happening at home when out of the blue he said, "Mom-- I read your blog." I was pleasantly surprised, and also a little shocked because at the time I wasn't even sure he knew I had a blog. 

"I like it, " he said. "When I read it, it makes me feel like I'm talking to you."

Biggest compliment ever for me so far about my writing. That is exactly how I want people to feel when they read one of my posts, I want them to feel like we are having a conversation.

The other one was from my almost daughter just this past summer. She had left for her position as a camp counselor in early June, right after we'd had a big fight and she'd moved out. Communication with her had been spotty for the two weeks after the blow up, and I was still feeling incredibly guilty for losing my temper. Randomly one day I got a text from her that said: First, I miss you and second, you are still my conscience in most things I do.

I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. I was relieved that losing my temper hadn't undone all the forward motion I had made, and happy to know that she still felt connected enough to me to care what I thought.

You might be thinking that those are odd choices for me to call out as my two best compliments, and you could be right.

But what matters most to me is what those closest to me think. It is through their eyes I gauge if I am being perceived by the world for who I really am. My kids sort of "have" to love me, but they do get a choice in who they allow to impact them. It makes me over the moon happy to know that my son thinks my writing reaches him in my authentic voice, and that my daughter is slowly being shaped by the life lessons and perspectives I share with her.

Unfortunately many of us see ourselves differently than the world around us does. We even fool ourselves into thinking we are something we are not. I'm working hard to see myself for who I am; the good, and the not-so-good. Accepting who and what we really are is the only way we can become all that we are meant to be.