Most of us are leaders in one way or another. Some of us don't lead corporations, or troops, or inspire trends in the fashion industry, yet we all have the potential to be influencers of those around us, especially those we love. In fact, we never truly know who is watching, imitating, learning from or listening to us. Our reactions/responses to situations, both good and bad, are often life lessons for others, and hopefully most of them aren't lessons about what not to do.

A few years back I was a chronic worrier and the stress of always thinking ahead to what might happen then trying to prevent it, affected me physically and emotionally. I became someone I was not, a critical, unhappy, burned out mess. My insides constantly felt like they were going to fall out (I carry my stress in my gut), I had trouble sleeping, and all I could do was see the negative of every situation. I allowed my fears, worries and expectations to get the best of my emotions, and the best of me.

One of the biggest catalysts in my life was making a Vision Board in 2011. I went into the process blindly, not knowing what to expect, which turned out to be the best thing for me. For once I didn't over think it, I just trusted the process as it happened. What came out on my board made no immediate sense to me, yet a few years later so much has changed. That Vision Board sparked so many changes and set the wheels in motion for me to make healthier and happier life choices. My career, my outlook on life, my relationships. my level of inner peace, and my health are all so much better now.

I realize the "control" I once clung to was a mirage, a quagmire of crap I concocted to keep myself safe from failing, from getting hurt, and ultimately from succeeding. I have since figured out I have no control over anything except how I respond to the life I have. And, that my happiness level is completely up to me.

I want to be known as a person exactly opposite of who I once became. One who is a joy to be around, who brings a healing and peaceful vibe with her into all situations. One who allows life to happen (without constant resistance), who appreciates all she has and never loses faith in herself or those she loves.  It took a while for me to figure out my personal prescription for wellness, but once I did, I am now able to maintain (and keep) a deep sense of inner peace. I think I have finally grown into a better version of me.

The Vision Board Process worked for me, so I know it can work for you also. If you are interested in making some life changes and trust me to help that process along, here are two upcoming chances to Vision Board with me:

Saturday, January 30 from 9:00 am -12:30 pm at Inspirations of Art Studio (spots are nearly full) $35 early registration| $45 after Jan. 20. Register with me by sending an email to terri@getoffgo.com or calling 616-446-7147.

Saturday, February 13 from 11:00 am- 2:30 pm at Armentality Movement Arts Center. Advance Registration /$45 ***Invite a lady friend that can benefit from this workshop for 1/2 Tuition | After February 6 /$55Register at Armentality.com or call 616-550-8244.

I hope to see your beautiful soul around the table at one of my workshops. It is never too late to grow + change and to live the life you've always dreamed of. You deserve it!
 

It is a sparkly new day. The last day of my mini-break. Maybe the first day I haven't felt sick since my two week hiatus started, thanks to the antibiotics I finally called in for.

In my head I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish as I embraced two weeks of "rest" from teaching classes. In the reality of Christmas and New Year's, the list stayed in my head as necessary sleep and rest, and holiday commitments slowly ate up the time. The good news is I now have a whole new year ahead to "accomplish" that internal list.

I used to get mad at myself for allowing time to get away from me, now I keep my plans loose in hopes that something spontaneous, or nothing at all with come forth. Vowing to live in the present means not following the predetermined path (or to do list) inside my head and it often leads me to places I wasn't intending to go. Sometimes those prove to be the most enjoyable learning experiences and at the end of the day allow me to sigh in appreciation and content.

I have always been a serious homebody--especially in the winter. I could stay snowed in all winter as long as I had family and wine. Playing cards, watching cheesy hallmark movies, crafting, taking naps with my grand baby, making dinner, never leaving the house for an entire weekend = heaven to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I have gone too far in the opposite direction and am too loosely planned, but then I think about the "old" me, the busy me, and I realize I never want to be her again. I don't know if it is a natural progression as I age, or just my new go with the flow philosophy, but I've noticed that too many things on the calendar overwhelm me really fast. It used to be the framework that kept me afloat and many people still expect I am going to return from my hiatus to become that person again.

In my heart, I know I am not.

I sometimes wonder, have I become lazy? Selfish? A bad friend?

Then I realize that just maybe I have finally dialed into the balance that works for me, the one that keeps me at calm and peace and allows me to respond to the unexpected situations in life rather than react like I used to. I am cautious about over committing myself and then not being able to live in the present moment as it unfolds with all its unplanned glory. I really don't like rushing or scrambling anymore. Slow and steady wins the race for me.

Balance. I once read a book that said creative and passionate people don't need balance; balance is bad. Boring. Uninspiring. That passion/talent/creativity exist in the highs and lows, and we should never simply strive for balance.

I thought about that for a long while, I even tested their theory and discovered that balance is where I thrive.

I understand achieving the perfect balance is an individual thing. No one can tell me what my prescription for wellness is, even I find myself reevaluating daily to make sure I walk that delicate line. And on the flip side, I cannot tell anyone else what their recipe for wellness is.

I can tell you without hesitation that you have all the answers you need, deep inside. And the challenge will always be in learning to listen.

As I reflect on my 2015, I am pleased to note that I leave it with a smile and a contented sigh. By other people's standards I certainly did not accomplish a lot, nor did I make everyone I care about happy; but I don't think that was what I needed to be my happiest/best self. I needed a quiet, focused, simple life in 2015 -- and that is what I got. I was inward focused, a serious homebody, and I stayed true to my 3 words for the year: Freedom, Growth & Joy. The result of doing so is that for once I ended a year thoroughly enjoying the journey, even if it had a few unexpected twists and turns.

Here are some of the things I will take away from the past year:

• Family is not defined by blood
• Sometimes the best most unselfish thing you can do is to just send someone love
• Letting go of expectations is a huge key to finding inner peace
• Freedom is waiting on the other side of silencing your mean voice
• Embrace stillness + quiet daily, only then can you hear your inner (true) voice
• You cannot please everyone
• True friends love you for who you are, not what you do for them
• Believe in the power of you, always, you are more powerful than you know
• Love is fuel
• Grand parenting is like a do over of all the good parts of parenting you slept through the first time around
• You are never too old to grow, change and embrace your full potential

I picked my three words to live by in the last few minutes of 2015. I think they found me -- reminding me that I cannot become the butterfly I was meant to be until I leave the safety net of my self-created cocoon. I believe these words will challenge me into a better version of myself in 2016.

Express

My feelings, my ideas, my true self -- not only through writing but in little ways and conversations every day. I want to have the courage to truly be me, without doubt, regret, or explanation and without worrying what others might think.

Embrace

My talents, my strengths, my imperfect self and my beautiful life. I want to allow in success and continue to believe that I am worthy of everything I desire.

Create

It is time for the ideas and visions I have in my head to make their presence known to the world.

I won't promise to write more in the coming year as that feels more like a resolution than a direction, but I think it will happen naturally as a result of me keeping my three words at the forefront of my mind.

In 2016 I do promise to shine the brightest light I can. Even in the darkest moments of real life.

Namaste,

Terri

As I listened to the rain falling on the cottage roof last night at 3 am, I recalled a recent conversation with a friend. Actually several different conversations came to mind all at once because that seems to be the way my mind works.

For a moment I felt a tensing in my belly -- the spot I carry my worry -- and then just as gently as the falling rain, I let it go. I realized it was not my worry to carry. No good would come from me taking that on.

Just a few short years ago I would have allowed those conversations and the pain my friends were in to take up residence within my belly, right along with my own list of things I worried about. After laying there in the dark visualizing all the worry filled possibilities to the things on my mind, I would have eventually fallen asleep with my stomach clenched and awoke again with it still clenched, never even realizing I had allowed it to become a part of me. 

Now, through yoga and mindfulness, I have tuned into my body well enough to know when something foreign is attempting to work its way in, or when something out of my control is looking for a place to land. Thankfully I am now able to let go of what is not mine to carry. And once I do, I am at peace within my body again, and my mind is able to concentrate positively on what is right there in front of me.

The sweet sound of the rain on the roof brings me back to this present moment and I send up a grateful prayer for being safe, warm and dry on this night and then waves of appreciation begin to roll in for all that I have, and all that I am. I am thankful for this cottage and its special ability to make the world go away when I arrive here, the snoringly beautiful man beside me who chooses to love me no matter how many curve balls I throw at him, the little angel sleeping in the pack and play in the next room who I am honored to be able to help raise and call granddaughter. The list begins right there and goes on to include health and well wishes for my children who are not currently under this roof but who I pray are just as safe, for my friends who are struggling with their unique issues, for members of my family, etc.

Once I would have "worried" myself totally awake and into a racing state of mind. This time however, I am not worrying, I am at peace. I have learned to turn around/fend off "worry" into positive thoughts.  I send love, light, happiness, strength, clarity, forgiveness, peace -- whatever is needed out in big beautiful waves from my heart. I used to carry so many struggles within me (as if I had the power to do something about them). It got me one big ugly ulcer and a negativity I never want to hold inside again and did nothing helpful for the people I took them from.

Now instead of focusing on the negative, I send a shot of positive to all who need it and let the clench go, knowing this is how I keep the best version of me centered in peace. This is how I show up in their lives as a light, as a calm, positive, loving light. Or on my best days, maybe even as an inspiration.

The rain works its way back into my consciousness and I smile. Happy and content that I am where I am. Safe, loved, thankful and ready for what curve balls life throws at me next.
 

Dear Friend:

How have you been? It has been so long since I have heard your voice or seen your beautiful face.

I miss you. I haven't forgotten you, or given up hope that someday you will respond to my texts or emails, far from it in fact. I have learned that things will happen in their own time; I now have patience.

I don't send you messages so you feel guilty about not communicating, I send them so you know that I am still here, in case you need a friend. In case you think you are not welcomed back with opened arms because of the way you left.

I am hopeful you will come back to me. And if you never do, I will also be grateful for the little time we had.

Although our friendship was brief, it was deep and meaningful. You came to me at a time in my life where I needed people like you.

When I met you I felt I had known you forever, maybe even in another lifetime. I understood you quickly, and quite surprisingly you seemed to understand me right back. I felt free to be  my curious self, to ask possibly unanswerable questions and to wonder at the answers with you. I never felt the need to prove myself, or to fit in. We just clicked.

From that immediate acceptance of all that I was, and was not, the burden of hoping you would like me was lifted. I simply showed up and you loved me. Your unbiased and unconditional love helped me believe in my goodness again, especially after a period where I felt lost and oh so unworthy.

Maybe that was all our friendship was ever supposed to be, you popping in to redirect me back to my path, but I really hope not.

I miss the moments when we unapologetically laughed and cried together. When our thoughts felt synchronized, as if sometimes we did it as one being. I was never worried that you would judge me or laugh at me no matter how much I dreamed out loud, or changed my mind. I never feared that you would ridicule me for what I believed, instead you helped me understand what you believed and that gave me hope that I would figure it all out in my own way someday.

Dear friend, I treasure those times we had.

My mean voice often wants to asks what I did to push you away? But I won't let it. Because the calm, still voice inside knows that very likely it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you.

I am here for you. Waiting in the light as you once waited for me. I cannot understand (or support you through) what you won't share with me, especially not when there is only silence from your end. So the only thing I can do is hold space for you, until you heal. I pray that the time will come when you will emerge from your cocoon, ready to reconnect-- transformed, rejuvenated, peace-filled and free of whatever has weighed heavy on your spirit.

In my waiting time I will smile, filled with the joy of anticipation in thinking of all things that we might do together someday. If it happens, I will be grateful. If it doesn't, I will also be grateful for the brief, yet beautiful time we had together as friends.

Namaste, my dear friend. Namaste.

“Grace. I understood it now. It was being able to give up something that it broke your heart to lose, and be happy about it.”

— Robert McCammon, Author of Boy's Life

I think I understand it now, too.

It has taken me a long time to learn the true meaning of grace.

For last five years or so I been working hard to take back the reigns of my own power. From my ego. She has ruled for so long that her strategies for keeping control were deeply ingrained in me. I lived by her rules; of planning, organization, accomplishment, and to do lists. She kept me unsettled, and very busily focused on the end goal. As I work to let go of her unhealthy practices that had me not fully appreciating the many little and big moments of the life right in front of me, I have been more easily able to recognize moments of true grace in my world.

Grace = doing the right thing.

Being a planned, organized, control freak doesn't prepare you for the unexpected things in life that happen, like learning your baby is having a baby. Especially not when he is only 19 and clearly not emotionally or financially ready to care for a baby, and isn't even in a relationship anymore. And it does not prepare you for being a grand parent for the first time and not being able to officially claim the role you've been anticipating for years.

The thing that gets you through is grace. Doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing you can imagine.

The decision to give my grand baby up for adoption wasn't mine to make, thankfully. And while this situation was one I never thought I would be in, it has shown me how to be thankful for the little things, even if they don't work out the way you once imagined they would. 

I appreciate how very lucky to be even a small part of my grandson's life.

My son showed me the meaning of grace as he wrestled with his decision to either fight to keep his son, or to give him a chance at a life with two loving parents. He understood he wasn't ready to be a father, and wasn't strong enough to navigate a messy co-parenting situation with someone he was no longer even friends with; and yet babies are his thing. He has always had immediate and deep bonds with little ones. I know that making the decision to let go of his own child ate away a part of his heart. As it did mine.

His grace-filled decision to do the right thing was in turn mirrored by the beautiful couple who adopted his child as they agreed to an open adoption. Showing their grace in turn by doing the hard thing and allowing (strangers) to have a presence in their son's life. From the first moment we met them they offered us grace, and while I sometimes have a hard time accepting I am worthy of that kind of grace, I am fully thankful of how awesome it is.

This whole unplanned situation has been a great learning experience for me. It has opened my eyes to the many sides of adoption. I appreciate my grandson's loving parents for their willingness to stand firm in their acceptance of us even in the face of questioning from their family and friends. I realize his other grandparents would rather not share the role with my husband and I, and maybe even secretly wish we'd just fade away. I might feel the same in their shoes.

I understand why their friends and family question their decision to trust us to babysit. It isn't hard to imagine them thinking thoughts about us like "how can you trust them, they clearly didn't do a great job of parenting the first time around." Or, "what is wrong with these people that they wouldn't keep their own grand child?" Because once I might have had similar ones myself.

And I accept that most people may even judge us for giving him up in the first place. At one time I probably would have. Funny thing is, we often think we know what we would do in someone else's shoes, until we find ourselves in them.

I have come to realize, even the best laid plans go haywire sometimes. Every time I think of the family and friends who doubt my grandbaby's parents in letting us get to know him, I want to shout from the rooftops that we don't want to intrude, or to assume someone's rightful role, or to overstep--- we just want our grandson to know that he is/was always loved, always wanted and will forever have all the love in our hearts.

This situation is heartwarming and heartbreaking. Beautiful and Brutiful --in the words of Glennon Melton. Their willingness to include us in his life and in theirs is humbling. It is selfless and scary and overflowing with buckets of grace, and is something I will be forever grateful for.

Picturing my grandson's smiling little face reminds me to take a breath and allow grace to soothe me. To stop being sad for missing the special moments of his life and to rejoice in how lucky I am to even know him. As I continually work to appreciate, I am simply thankful to be a part of his life at all.

Huge gratitude to all the teachers in my life who have shown me through their actions what grace truly is. By their examples I am learning to both accept and offer grace, to myself and to others.  

Namaste.

It is no secret to anyone that I meditate. Lately though I've been choosing quality over quantity, as I am very picky about the spaces I choose to meditate. Outdoors is by far my favorite setting and in the warmer months there is a little spot that calls to me up north by my cottage.

Meditation has proven to be a lifesaver for me. I realize now how many years I spent ignoring my inner voice and suppressing my intuition, even going so far as to dismiss early signs in my own body of an imbalance or potential problem. It's a common thing, especially for women. Often times we put the needs of others, our families our spouses, even our careers ahead of our own physical and spiritual needs. By the time we get our 'to do' list done, there is no energy left to direct inward. If meditation is suggested before a Type A like me even  understands how to slow down, fledgling attempts to relax and meditate are met with sleep. (As was often the case for me in the early days of yoga classes, shavashana equaled power nap.)

Embracing down time and creating opportunities and space to tune in and to let my mind wander without specific goals has allowed me to have a greater understanding of my body, of my thought patterns, and has reconnected me with my positive and supportive inner voice. In the spaces between my thoughts, I have found the real me. 

The real me is much more aware of unhealthy patterns now. A week ago I posed a question to myself during my meditation time asking why I had stalled on my writing efforts. Writing is important to me and my biggest creative goal is to write a book (or three).

Here is the internal conversation that ensued.

Me: Why am I not motivated to write?

Inner Me: I sense that I am on a precipice. It is higher than I am normally comfortable with. I am distracting myself from taking the next step because I am scared. The next step isn't clear. It requires courage, belief, trust and means total vulnerability.

Me: What if I write what I need/want to and no one reads it?

Inner Me: Does it really matter?

Me: I have written a lot that no one has even read.  Do you think it would get me unstuck if I just get the words out--with no expectation they will go anywhere?

Inner Me: What do you think? If you thought the wisdom you'd gained would help someone else, wouldn't you share it? Of course you would.

Me: So there is my answer, right?

Inner Me: Write it and share it. If it helps someone, or if someone likes your words or your writing style, it may lead to the next step.

Me: What if I am not sure of my audience?

Inner Me: Does it really matter? Again, if you thought someone (an unnamed, unidentified person) could learn from you being courageous and sharing your words, would you share them? Of course you would. So don't worry about your audience. Write from your soul. The accomplished writers always say to write what you know. So, write what you know. Trust the rest will happen as it is supposed to.

Me: Anything else I need to know?

Inner Me: You are loved.

Me: Thank you. So are you. Appreciate the help. Perhaps now I just need to Get Off Go.

Meditation can be different every time you tune in. That is why it is a practice and we approach it with no expectations, only patience and space. I will say after years of dialogue in my head with a mean inner voice who always found me lacking, I am happy to connect with this supportive, helpful and loving side. No matter where it takes me, my focused inward time during meditation always brings me back to a peaceful place--and shines a welcoming light on the next step in front of me.

Which now that I think about it --- is very helpful when you are on a precipice.

Outside right now there are birds chirping, the snow is melting and some early and hopeful sprouts of green are peeking out of the post winter gray. We are so lucky to have a distinct change of seasons here in Michigan. It is exactly what I need to get me moving again. I have let so many things sit on the back burner while I turtled in this winter and stayed safe and warm. 

The change of season into Spring after the long cold dark days of winter is a kick in the pants for me to come out of hibernation and to begin anew. That means trees, walking, writing, taking photographs and soon-- going to my happy place at the cottage.

It also means I feel the need to step up my game as well. I have been held back in recent months by fear (maybe even as my friend Marcy says--the fear of too much success). All winter I could have been recording meditations. I could have had my friend Sue Ann type up the hundreds of blog posts I have written over the past couple of years and never published (she even volunteered) to see if there is a book in there.  I could have looked for a steady writing gig where I would share my words with a bigger audience and not just with my personal blog followers. But until yesterday when I recorded a few free meditations, I hadn't done any of those things.

I will put myself in the shoes of one of my personal coaching clients and ask: "What is holding you back?"

My answer: Failure. Indecision. And a fear that the simple life I have created for myself in the past two years might get complicated again if I do any of them.

I was proficient with deadlines when I had a business career. I made a lot of lists, judged the success of my day by what I got done, and I was extremely efficient --( I always knew the fastest way from point A to B). But back then the fear of losing control, of dropping the ball, of letting someone down, of failing to live up to my reputation --- pushed me so far into Type A control freak mode, I lost the real Terri.  And I do not ever want that kind of life again.

I love my life now. Both the days I have without many commitments and the days I am traveling from yoga class to yoga class. I am rarely rushed anymore. I have time to smell the roses and enjoy little moments, and just because I can, on occasion I take the long way "there". I dislike pressure and stress and can feel it so strongly in my body now, I do everything in my power to avoid it. Even to the point of stopping my own forward motion...

As I help others tune into themselves, feel better in their bodies, breathe deeply and open their hearts, I also continue to blossom into the best version of me. Not a day goes by that I don't learn something new--or smile in awe at how lucky I am. And I recognize that change leads to growth so I know I cannot coast forever. In order to grow fully into myself, I have to stretch myself. So I am currently getting myself "off go".

One way is to tell you (and the universe) that I am ready to take on more personal coaching clients. At first I doubted that I could flourish at life coaching because deep down I thought I had to get certified so that people would trust me to help them. I see now that I already have the skills I need to help others move forward. I've been building them for years and testing them out on myself --I know what has worked and what hasn't, as I am always my own harshest critic. So my advice to me is to take a step forward.

If you are looking for a catalyst to get you "off go" as well--let me know. I am ready to help via personal coaching and/or I am open to suggestions for workshops that you would like to attend. Let's get off go together.

Here is a little exercise I wanted to share to get you moving forward and thinking positively. It is Spring after all: the season of renewal, growth, and new possibilities. Enjoy!

The Path to Positivity Starts Within You

• Stop trying to please everyone
• Stop trying to be a star at the expense of your life
• Stop trying to do everything perfectly
• Stop doing everything yourself
• Stop relying on adrenaline to get you through

Instead, start saying "no" to others and "yes" to YOU. Please you. Let something slide or do your best even if it is less than perfect. Give yourself a break. Ask for help. Slow down. Smell the roses that are soon to bloom. And move in the direction of your best self.

ACTION PLAN:

The first ball I'd like to drop is :

__________________________________________________________________________

The first thing I'd like to do for myself to renew my spirit and give me energy is:

___________________________________________________________________________

The first step I will take toward getting unstuck and moving in the direction of a better me is:

__________________________________________________________________________

Now GO!

--Namaste,

Terri

Spring has sprung (or so I am pretending) and I am slowly coming out of my self-imposed hibernation. My thoughts are filled with sunshine, water, my meditation spot and the soon-to-be signs of new life as my trees get their leaves back on.  After a period of quiet they, like me, are ready for new growth. My writing season begins with this brief statement:

Dear Universe-

I am a recovering perfectionist, people pleasure, self-doubter, and control freak who has found her way out of the darkness and into the light of who I really am. Every day I embrace the opportunity to practice becoming the best version of me. As life ebbs and flows noisily around me I am grateful for every teacher I encounter, every lesson I learn, every opportunity (sometimes disguised as a mistake) I face, every chance to practice peace and positivity, and every little and big moment of my life that I am conscious enough to savor. In finding myself I have also found my tribe, a group of beautiful sensitive souls who not only support me but who remind me that I am enough just the way I am. 

I promise to do my very best to light up the world around me with the LOVE, PEACE and JOY I have found within.

Namaste.

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You are on a journey and so am I. It is called life. At some point during our lives we all recognize that we are on a quest for our best self -- learning lessons, making mistakes, repeating lessons, and finally moving forward to learn more. Some of us become aware of this process earlier than others; I was a late bloomer. 

For this trip we are taking we will need to pack lighter --and that will involve releasing whatever holds us back; Fear, Doubt, Anger, Regret, Shame or even just the mean voice in our head.

There was a time when I could not say:

I am whole.

I am powerful.

I am divine.

Because I didn’t believe it myself.

“If you don’t love and honor yourself with every fiber of your being, if you struggle with owning your power and passion, if you could use more joyful play and simple presence in your life, then it is time for an inner revolution. It is time to claim your Warrior Goddess energy. ”

— Heatherash Amara

As women we need to stop determining our value through the way others see us. We need to stop looking outside of ourselves for the answers and giving our personal power away to bosses, coworkers, boyfriends, husbands, children, friends, or whomever. We need to dig within to see our value and start seeing ourselves as perfect just the way we are. Then we need to start playing to our strengths so we can grow into our true selves.

When we stop trying to please others, or quit attempting to be who we think we should be and live as the person we really are, life gets so much easier, so much lighter. Only then are we free to fully breathe, free to experience joy and love and able to appreciate the present moment we are in. If we love ourselves, own who we really are and stand up for what we need and want, we then allow others to truly "see" us; and in turn we are able to really "see". A big part of my personal journey to well-being has been learning how to pack lighter and ditch the junk that weighed me down.

I often ask my yoga students to tune into their breath and body and to mentally let go of the things that weigh them down at the beginning of class. But sometimes I wonder if they even know what I am talking about. Years ago as I sat in my first yoga classes it was a foreign concept to me. I recognized that I had a mean inner voice that continually made me think I needed to do better at everything, but I didn’t really understand I had the power to “let go” of anything. And I didn’t comprehend how great it would feel to actually let go of the heavy burden of control, worry, judgment, and accomplishment I traveled with.

I was so used to carrying around that extra weight, I knew no other way to be.

Stress and I were one; as a result I lived so far from the peaceful place inside of me that I had lost touch with what it even felt like. I never floated, or went with the flow, or enjoyed any moment fully. There was always something else I felt I should be accomplishing, or finishing or worrying about. I was always swimming upstream.

The early exposure I had to mindfulness via my very first yoga instructors at the Y were the beginning nudges that smoothed the way for my mind, body and spirit to transform. I truly wish for everyone to feel lighter in their minds and freer in their bodies. So much joy comes from letting go of the unrealistic standards that weigh us down. And so much authenticity comes from the loosening of the strict standards we hold ourselves to. If a Type A like me can learn to let go and learn to believe in themselves again, I believe anyone can.

If you are unsure how to begin this process, here are some ideas: 

Make time to be still. In the quiet is where we hear our inner voice--the one who isn't mean. Just be at peace and let go of the need to accomplish. Practice this daily until you realize how much you need it.

Take a class. Something that tunes you in: i.e. yoga, tai chi, qigong, personal growth, meditation or a mindfulness class.

Walk in nature. (Without music or someone else to listen/talk to--listen instead to the sounds of nature around you, smell the scents of the earth, let the breeze wash over you).

Create. Make something, anything. Paint, Draw, Doodle, Sew, Photograph---use your creative energy to create without judgement or purpose--just do it for the fun of it.

Move your body. Dance to music or hula hoop, rock climb, skateboard, ski --just move and be joy-filled with the movement; it does a body and soul good.

There are so many fun ways to begin tuning inward, figure out what works for you by trying something new. Or you can hire a personal coach or sign up for a personal growth workshop -- whatever you choose to do, please believe in yourself enough to get started down the path of lightening your load.

--Namaste

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Life has an interesting way of teaching me lessons. As I work to right some of my old patterns of behavior and practice wholehearted and positive living, I seem to be tested at every turn. This year started off with great peace and a feeling that the loves of my life are healthy and well. And then things got rough.

We all  have those times where things literally fall apart, right? The dryer stops heating up, the furnace starts making funny noises and stops heating, the mailbox gets run over, and all of that is stressful and costly to fix, and you complain a little but understand that these things happen. And then the really big thing happens. You walk by a wall one night and discover wetness, then mold, and then this happens.

Followed by more discoveries of leakage. And this happens:

And now what once was your sanctuary AND your workspace resembles an abandoned building.

I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in short order. Things can always get worse, nothing lasts forever and ignoring your intuition can be costly. But I have also learned that I am very thankful for heat and a home, and jobs that allow us to make enough money to fix things that break.

As we dig into the source (s) of the water problem, it feels a lot like the digging in process I use to help others (and myself) move forward. We peel back layers of the house to get to the place where we can rebuild from. A place where there is a firm foundation. In the case of our house we need to dig down to where it is dry and solid and strong enough to hold us up. In rebuilding a human it is mining down to the place where we are most pure, honest with ourselves and free of untrue beliefs.  We cannot repair the damage for either in a day, but we can begin one step at time.

For the record, I'm good digging in with humans, the house mess just stresses me out.

I wish for everyone to be solid from the ground up. And I am aware that the process takes time and dedicated effort---yet I am also aware this is a process which does not allow you to cheat the corners or rush the reconstruction. You must begin at the beginning and work from there. One positive step at a time.

Who knew the healing of a structure whether it be a human or home involved the same slow process? To get to the root of the problem we must dig down deep to the foundation, smashing through walls and other barriers, revealing the truth, assessing the damage, then carefully extracting the old and sifting to finding the solid within. The beauty of all the work is in the rebuilding, the opportunity to create what you really wanted all along.

I believe anything strengthened in this way remains solid and steady enough to peacefully ride out any storm that comes next. I know this because if I had not spent the time fixing the structure that is "me", this current situation would have devastated me. Right now I am tired, and a little anxious, but confident that we will come out with a positive solution (and a healthy and clean house).

At times we all struggle, and in that place we are not alone. What we need to remember is that we always have access to peace and love and an inner strength that can fortify us, provided we know how to access it.

I am determined not let this setback shake my foundation. I remain thankful for solid roots, love and an open and trusting heart. I will let love guide me. Let hope lift me. And let faith fuel me.

This quote from Prayers To The Great Creator by Julia Cameron spoke to me this morning:

The Universe Funds Me With Strength

In times of adversity, I remember I am strong enough to meet the challenges of my life. I am equal to every situation, a match for every difficulty. Sourced in the power of the Universe, I allow that power to work through me. I meet calamity with strength, I have stamina. Rather than draw on limited resources, I draw on the infinite power within me that moves through me to accomplish its good. I am fueled by all the love, all the strength there is. Loving strength melts mountains. I am ever partnered and supplied by universal flow. Knowing this, I do not doubt my strength, I am strong and secure.

Hello lovely reader:

As another year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the twists and turns my life has taken in the past year. As a girl who once attempted to plan out her life, it is almost laughable that a lot of what happened is nothing I would have ever planned. Some of it is nothing I ever imagined I'd even experience and yet it has to be one of the best years ever. Maybe not in the way most people would measure a successful year --- like by how much money I made, or how much I grew my new business, or what new stuff I was able to acquire. Instead I am measuring it by how much happiness was in it, how much love I felt and how easy it was to be fully me.

In 2014 I practiced being present to all the little things that mattered (and even to the ones that didn't seem to matter). I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss a thing. I rejoiced in both sunny and cloudy days, in planned fun and in unexpected detours, and I was able to find the sunny side of nearly every situation. As a result, I felt calm, peaceful and happy nearly all the time. Where I once would have let the unexpected get me down and stress me out, I went with the flow, stayed peaceful within, and paid attention to the greater meanings. And there were plenty of life lessons.

Even when it wasn't all rosy I looked forward to each day and the new possibilities. I watched for signs and remained open to opportunities. The times I was able to spend with my love, my family, my trees, my magic friends, my students and with my words were among the best moments of my life.

I have also experienced great kindness this year. Compliments I never saw coming (which to me are delightful affirmations that I am on the right track), and connections that rekindled or were made for the first time which turned out to be exactly what I needed next. I have been blessed to learn so many new and exciting things, and to put into practice what I have learned to empower others. Not only have I been able to guide them to personal wellness, I get paid to help them feel better in their own bodies. How lucky I am to have arrived in this beautiful place!

I made a lot of time for me in 2014. And as a result I feel like I can breathe again. My three words to live by were Clarify, Cultivate and Savor and in looking back, I believe I really did infuse them into my year.

Clarify: I let some things go this year along with the worry and fear and control I once clung to, and they were really important things: friendships, opportunities, job offers,  responsibilities. Clarifying and letting them go left me feeling lighter and freer.

Cultivate: I have learned some important life lessons in 2014 with the help of some incredibly talented friends and students. Their honesty and willingness to allow me to grow with them has lit my path ahead. One really big lesson that took me many tries to learn was saying "no" to furthering other people's dreams, and fully saying "yes" to furthering mine. I learned to believe in myself again and that is huge.

Savor: Part of appreciating what is right in front of you is being present to the beauty of everything.  For me that requires downtime to rejuvenate.  I made time to "turtle in" this past year and that allowed me to be the best version of myself. The people in my life deserve the best I have to offer and in order to give it to them, I require a lot of unplanned creative "me" time. I have learned that me being overwhelmed is awful for everyone around me. Keeping myself clear and bright allowed me to shine my best light ever in 2014. I think maybe I accomplished something I have always attempted --- to lead by example.

I wanted to reach out via this post and wish you a wonderful new year filled with love + light and to encourage you to make the changes necessary to bring forth the best YOU! Thank you also for reading my blog. Although I write for me (because that is how I process, grow and learn) I am grateful for every person who comments on the blog (or in person) to say that my words resonate. I am a word girl, and I understand that coming upon the right words at just the right time can be life changing. It is an honor to hear that a few of my posts have found their way to the right people at the right time this past year.

Namaste: the Spirit in me sees, honors and appreciates the spirit in you. Have a happy and blessed new year. My words for 2015 are Freedom, Growth & Joy in case you didn't notice. Have you chosen yours yet? I would love for my readers to hear what direction your life will be taking this next year.

--Terri Spaulding

P.S. Just in case you were looking for inspiration and/or ideas on how to make 2015 a year of forward motion, here is my latest newsletter with upcoming opportunities to come grow with me. Feel free to share this link http://eepurl.com/baiT41with anyone who might interested. Word of mouth, personal recommendations, and shares are the way I find my proper audience. Many, many thanks in advance.

And when she was told it was time...

she grew up.

And she forgot who she was deep down inside. It didn't happen slowly, that would be too painful, she just packed up all the little things that made her whole and happy, and uniquely her, and stuck them in the attic.

For someday when...

she could breathe again. Or when her grandchildren would go through the boxes containing the pieces and parts of the real her she'd saved for later, and set her spirit free.

She stopped believing in magic.

Because magic wasn't in the rulebook for becoming a grown up she was reminded many times. Good girls are responsible, safe, determined, and productive. There was no longer time for collecting rocks or watching butterflies, there were more important things to be done.

She stopped saying what she meant.

For a long while she remained quiet. There were so many unwritten rules that didn't make sense to her. Rules about what, when and how to say things so as not to stand out in all the wrong ways. Rules about pretending not to notice certain things and having to  acknowledge things that really didn't matter. Rules about impressing people with questionable intentions and being nice to people who were mean spirited on the inside. The worst was pretending not to know when people said one thing and thought another.

She got confused.

She was almost afraid to participate in her own life, in case she did it wrong. So she watched and waited for the time to be right to speak her mind again. Only years went by and her natural talents faded. Her dreams disappeared. And her light dimmed.

She gave up.

There was so much to worry about trying to do right that she became scared to say anything important at all, in case she might be wrong. Or ridiculed. Or deemed unworthy. But that felt wrong, too. Because deep inside remained a small burning need to understand everything, to be wildly curious, to right wrongs, to speak up, to make a difference. To stand out in all the right ways.

Years went by and she completely lost her way.

She had stopped writing, reading or even creating. She gave up the thought of ever losing herself in the magic of life again. There was no spontaneity to her movements, and little  joy. She never allowed herself the luxury of just being. She heard constant noise. And she listened only to the mean voice within. In an attempt to outrun it, she stayed in constant motion. Others saw her as tightly wound. Ridiculously planned. Inflexibly judgmental. She became exactly the kind of person she never wanted to be.

And one day she woke up a hot mess on her basement floor and realized she had hit rock bottom. She had become a grown up.

And as a grown up she was slowly doing to her children what had once been done to her. She was sucking the magic out of them. Her body and soul suddenly felt the effects of years spent attempting to be perfect, the times she tried to please, and the utter devastation of realizing even if she got there, it would never be enough. Especially for herself.

So she stopped.

Nearly cold turkey. She stopped doing all the things that had once been done to her. She stopped correcting. She stopped protecting. She stopped smoothing the road ahead for them. She stopped pushing. She stopped comparing. She just stopped. And she began the hardest thing she's ever done.

She let go.

Of everything. The rules. The disappointment. The worry. Her mean voice. The constant swimming upstream. All of it. Piece by piece. And a funny thing happened. She started healing. She began to believe in herself again.

She started believing that she could change the world, just by being herself.

She stopped trying to prove, strive, achieve and she started to become something better. She not only remembered the magic within, she began to rely on it. And she showed the world that it is never too late.

The magic is forever within.

It lived in her and it lives within you.

There is no time like right now to Believe in the power of you.

It is never too late.

I never knew how much extra weight I carried, until I let it go.

Do you know that forever---or at least ever since I can remember anyway, I have been unable to float? It made swimming hard because how can you do that if you consistently sink? I gave up on swimming in proper form years ago and created a kind of doggie-paddle-kick to make my way across the water. Honestly it didn't seem that unusual to me as my mom has always complained of the same inability to float.

This past summer on a still and sunny morning, something miraculous happened. I learned to float again.

My explanation for the sink effect is that I allowed life to weigh me down. I'm guessing most of it came from the mean voice in my head, the one who heard every criticism from the outside world (ever inferred or received by direct comment), and the one who glossed over every compliment I ever received.

In my study of personal energy through reiki, reading and meditation, I now understand that emotions, old emotions especially, can be stored in our physical bodies. Forever, if we let them reside there. They create roadblocks to our free flowing energy, which can eventually lead to physical ailments, and/or they can make us heavy and weigh us down. Everyone carries some of this extra emotional weight, oftentimes without even knowing it. Apparently I carried a lot of it.

I let go of most of it this past year. Some of it in big emotional chunks --just ask my boys--they learned to stop asking what was wrong and just give me an awkward pat or a hug if there were signs of a recent crying jag. And there were small releases in the form of sighs, deep breaths, or an intention to cut ties to someone or something ---that led to soft, slow tears or moist eyes. Some of the tears I shed were happy ones resulting from the letting go.  And some came from dealing with the big chunks of sadness, regret and shame that moved on out. Those were the heavy tears.

No matter what kind of a release they were, the act of letting go felt better in my body. Both physically and mentally.

I felt lighter, freer and afterwards, thought maybe I could actually breathe a bit more fully.

Learning to float again was a benefit to the letting go. The day this summer when I realized I could finally float on top of the lake again; I didn't want to stop. If not for my friend Sue Ann being with me, I might have stayed in there all day experimenting with the feeling of sinking slowly as the air left my lungs and feeling myself slowly rise to the surface when I breathed in fully again.

It was lovely. It was empowering. I felt very much like a kid again.

For years I unconsciously sabotaged my own ability to float. When I'd feel myself start to drift downward, instead of trusting in the process and breathing slowly and deeply to refill my lungs with air, I'd flail about in panic and I'd sink. Somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my own ability to rise back up.

Fear held me down. Faith now helps me float.

If I can do it, so can you.

Let it go. Let go of all the things that hold you back. Like dead limbs; drop them. Think of it as clearing the clutter from the 'inside' of you.

Since relearning to float, spontaneity shows her face more often in my life. She's become a regular visitor -- reminding me to stop what I am doing and go for a walk with the trees or to step away from the computer and appreciate some of the natural beauty outside my window. She's less serious, and she's way more forgiving than Control, who used to rule my world. 

Is it time to let go of that which holds you down?

You know how thinking back over time you can recognize life changing moments, doors that you went through that changed your life forever?

I had one today.

Someone I love (but haven't seen for a while) asked me how I was doing via a short text conversation.

And I immediately answered back: I'm the best I have ever been.

And damn if I didn't mean it. Wholeheartedly. Honestly. Joyfully.

I am doing great. I feel good. NO, I feel great. I feel at peace. I feel purposeful. I feel loved. I feel happy. I feel at ease with me.

It is the best feeling in the world. It is like I got new glasses with a stronger prescription and I can finally see the leaves on the trees again.

Everything is beautiful. Everything makes sense. Everything is going to be okay.

Just needed to share this so I never forget. And so you'd know there is always hope that you can make changes for the better, too.

I took a Zentangle class this past Monday with Nancy VanRooy through GR Parks and Recreation and when I pulled out my Zentangles again this morning, I felt like an artist.

That is a powerful feeling for a non-artist like me.

What I love most about taking a new class like this ---is the feeling of being successful. Not successful in the way of judging how my final creation looked compared to everyone else's, or in garnering accolades like "Ooh your Zentangle is fantastic, what a great job you did, you are a talented artist", but in how I felt while doing it.

This class made me feel creative, talented, and empowered. And days later I am still feeling like an artist.

'You can't do it wrong' are magic words for a recovering control freak with a perfectionistic streak.

They spell creative freedom to me. Permission to use my imagination. To feel my way through using intuition, not technique and to paint outside the lines if I want to.

And this permission up front to do it my way also completely silences my inner mean voice. There is no judgment, no comparison, no feeling that I stand out in all the wrong ways. Just quiet, happy acceptance at my efforts and pride in my work.

It is the difference between inner stress and inner peace in my body.

I have never been good at following complicated step by step processes. 'How to' books that show a detailed one stroke at a time procedure have never worked for me. (Maybe that is why I also dislike math so much). And why I never willingly volunteer to assemble or build anything or to keep detailed records, and maybe it even explains why I break so many things. My family likes to make fun of the way I open (destroy) boxes of cereal -- or bags of chips. Do those 'tear here' or 'open on the dotted lines' instructions ever really work for anyone?

What I love about Yoga, Zentangle & GROOVE -- is that you do it your way. With 100% permission to be unique. You are told to listen to your body and do what feels right, to morph your oopsies into something beautiful as there are no mistakes in Zentangle, or to uniquely express with your body what you hear in the music.

Each one of those phrases allows a sense of freedom and joy to bloom within me.

And my spirit has needed to feel this way for a very long time. As a highly sensitive person I dislike being compared, watched, graded, or judged more than you can imagine, especially when I do it to myself.

One of my favorite parts of the Zentangle class was seeing the uniqueness of everyone's tiles afterwards; not to "compare" mine to theirs, but to see how each woman there listened to the same instructions and yet created something different. No two tiles looked even close to the same.

And therein lies the beauty of creative freedom, and the power of permission in allowing someone to do it 'their way'.

As a yoga instructor it is my hope that no student ever thinks they have to look like the person on the mat next to them in a specific pose. Your pose should be as as unique to you as your DNA. It is not about how it looks on the outside, it is about how it feels on the inside.

Every time I step onto my mat to lead a yoga class, or take the floor to begin a GROOVE class, I hope I empower each student to do it 'their way' like Nancy did in our Zentangle class. What more does a person really need to flourish than permission to be uniquely themselves?

Start saying YES to whatever allows you to be more of your unique and beautiful self, and say NO to anything that dims your light. This small thing has immense life changing power. This I know.

If I told you that you were going to die tomorrow, would it change the way you live today?

It should.

This question may seem irrelevant because you are probably not going to die tomorrow and no one could predict it anyway. But I believe the question should make you do more than think.

It should be a catalyst to bring on changes. Changes that move you into the present moment and out of the future or the past.

If you, like me, have spent way too much of your precious life here on earth doing things that didn't really matter, you might feel a pang of remorse when you ponder the question.

A twinge of regret for the moments lost, adventures rejected, and connections missed while you went about accomplishing all your ridiculous goals. Or a pang of sadness for all the frustrating attempts to prove yourself worthy that ultimately resulted in added  disappointment. You might even experience some reservation at the out of character actions you took trying to be accepted, included and appreciated.

And nothing grabs at a girl's heart more than realizing how silly it was to try to control the future by planning the life out of everyone and everything around her, even if it all started with good intentions.

For highly sensitive people like me, fitting into a world where you feel you stand out (for all the wrong reasons) is sometimes a major objective, a vision clouding objective. We get caught up in the doing, and we forget about the being. What we don't realize is that when we try so hard to 'fit in', those little compromises we make occur at the expense of our souls and eventually mess with our self-worth.

When we don't live in the present, we put off things that matter thinking we will have time to do it later. Until later comes and we comprehend all the missed opportunities.

I'm sure you've heard the saying many times 'live each moment like it is your last'  and maybe you, like me, would pause and reflect for a moment on where you were spending your time and attention, and then go right back to doing things the way you have always done.

When I finally recognized my life was not heading in the right direction, I changed it.

And in doing so not only changed my life, but the lives of those I love. What greater inspiration is there than leading by example?

So many good changes have come from being more aware, from living in the moment right in front of me. For a long, long while I forgot how to appreciate. I was so caught up in planning it all out, in accomplishing things, in making sure that I was responsible and productive, that I lost "me" and life delivered me to my lowest moment. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from all that striving. And I realized I was missing the joyous parts of life.

If you knew that today was your last day--how many people would you want to see, talk to, hug, write a letter to, or tell how much they have meant to you? If you knew you were going to die tomorrow wouldn't you want to spend the minutes of your last day doing things that matter.

I would.

A while back I started to get the sense that my time was limited. Not in an I-am-going-to-die-tomorrow way, but like a wake up call to pay attention to all the little moments I was missing. Stopping to smell the roses was not in my original plan. It is the only plan now.

One moment at a time. One person at a time. One honest declaration of love, one heartfelt I'm sorry, one please forgive me, one hug filled with positive energy, one thank you so much, one I am listening, I see you, I hear you, one you can do it! Those are the moments that matter.

What would you do differently if this were your last day?

There is time to make a change. Follow your heart. Go on an adventure. Do absolutely nothing. Believe in yourself. Whatever it is that is different than what you usually do; do it. And do it with all the focus you can muster, as if it were the last time.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

— Dr. Wayne Dyer

It bothers me every time I realize how many years I let pass by without really being present.

I used to live each day focused on how much I needed to accomplish and how many items I crossed off my to do list. That is how I measured my worth. It meant that I was always looking ahead -- and missing all the little moments of my life.

Recently I was asked to give a piece of advice to a soon-to-be new mom (who reminds me a lot of the overachiever I used to be) and the first thing I wanted to tell her was to enjoy every. single. moment. with her child, her husband & her family. I wished in words to impress upon her how important it is to stop planning each moment of her life and just live it.

I once so needed that advice.

But I wonder if  I would have listened if someone had tried to slow me down. Probably not. I think it was a lesson that I needed to learn. The hard way.

Looking back on my mothering years I see that the moments I tried to make matter --didn't. Not at all. My attempts at special moments simply flowed into the rest of the moments of their lives and were quickly forgotten (or remembered in all the wrong ways.)

The moments my kids remember are the unplanned, seemingly insignificant moments, some of them I'd just as soon wish they'd forget. Not my best moments. Not at all. Not the scrapbook memories I was shooting for, the "perfect" mother, "perfect" family moments.

They remember the actual unplanned off-my-script moments.

Like the time when I was sharing a story about a school field trip we had recently taken while attempting to say the word "sugarbush" with a mouthful of salad. I ended up spitting ranch dressing all down the front of my green fleece. Recently, within the span of a week or two,  both of my boys independently recounted that story to a friend. This happened years ago.

They recall the time I once let fly a huge swear word while driving the am school carpool after a chunk of metal flew off the car in front of us on the highway and I ran it over it. They still laugh and reminisce about the inappropriateness of the word I shouted.

Those are not really the moments I would hope they'd remember. 

Things like the tradition of cutting down our yearly Christmas tree, or our week of family vacation at the lake, or how clean our house was, the uniqueness of the homemade Christmas cards we did every year, or the countless other things I attempted to do to leave lasting memories just don't matter to them.

What they remember is being in the real moments of life. The moments that brought a laugh or a cry, a scream or a smile ---good and sometimes not-so-good, unplanned and inappropriate....but memorable. The little moments that make up a life.

I'm so ready to smell the roses. Every. Single. Minute. And to teach others the importance of doing so.

Yesterday I went for a walk to clear my head; even though it was one of those days where rain (hard rain) was imminent. I started off without my camera and am so glad I changed my mind.

Water droplets on fallen leaves has to be the coolest thing I have been obsessed with photographing in a long time.

When I look through the lens of my camera I am completely lost in the moment. In the simple beauty that is right in front of me. It is beyond fantastic to be able to finally truly see the beauty in all the simple moments.

Are you still missing what is right in front of you?

What is the acceptable title for the journey I am on? A title that won't have fervent members of the religious community throwing up protection by declaring that they are Christians...as if that is reason to back away from me.

I consider my transformation from stressed out, overachieving control freak, to peace-filled yoga instructor as one of personal growth, and have referred to it often as a dedicated effort to uncover the best possible version of me.

But someone just acknowledged my transition as a spiritual quest.

And yes, I do believe that fits.

I have spent too many years feeling as though I lacked an acceptable faith.

While I have never lacked a belief in God, or a relationship with Him, I struggled with thinking that because I never found an organized religion who's rules worked for me, my way was not "good enough".

I think I have gone over that mountain now-- I accept that what I believe is okay. Better than okay; it is perfect for me. Especially now that I feel good about it (and myself) from the inside.

I fully acknowledge that I am a student of spirit, and do not have all the answers, in fact I am on a quest for understanding....by definition a quest, is a search or pursuit made to find or obtain something. And as I grow in spirit and strength, I still feel the need as I have since I can remember -- to watch what I say, to choose my language carefully so that others do not judge me. I know I am not the only one.

Lately I have found more and more like-minded souls who share in the belief that we are all on our own journey and we must embrace what works for us, or we won't grow. Yet I wonder when I will have the courage to fully let go of what others think of me and my beliefs, and let my light shine bright.  To be able to finally stand tall in the face of judgment from those who consider my "woo woo" beliefs too different from their long held beliefs to be comfortable with me.

My whole life of growing up in GR has been like that when it comes to organized faith. If it wasn't "their way", it was wrong. I was wrong. Excluded. Not good enough.

I no longer believe that rules get you to God. Faith does. Believing in yourself first and then something greater than you does.

Don't judge; be curious. Don't compare; remain open. That is my plan.

No one has all the answers, and if they think they do, well that is another story entirely.

I'm on a spiritual quest. I am happier than I have ever been. I am more comfortable in my own skin than ever before. And I am confident those who truly love me right now, will love any changes I make in myself along the way.

I haven't written anything about my grand baby in a while.

I don't often even say the words ''I am a grandma" or "I have a grand baby."  So most people I meet never even know. I would like to talk about it more, but I don't feel I have much right. You see, my "baby" created a baby and ultimately gave him up for adoption. It could have been a devastating thing, but by some miracle it was an open adoption, and the adoptive couple is gracious and inclusive and a perfect fit for little Ford. We get to see him. Joy of joys.

I've been keeping our interaction 'close to the vest" as the saying goes, not because I am embarrassed about what happened, or worried what others will think, in fact I am really proud of the decision my son made in doing what was best for his child. I am not sure I would have had the courage to make the same decision myself. I am simply not sharing because it hurts too much. It's an open wound.

I suppose I hide it fairly well, my inner sadness that is, but it doesn't stop it from lingering.

It might always be there. Like a hole in my heart. A wish unfulfilled. A dream that crashed and burned. You know, one of those feelings. I am strong enough not to let it rule me, or hold me back, but it when it surfaces, it is painful. Raw. Open.

It used to be that every time I saw a photo of Ford it made me tear up. It isn't like that anymore. I still feel the tug, but it isn't sadness exactly that immediately rushes to the surface--Ford's happy smile in Facebook pics never fails to fill my heart with love, awe and gratitude. But that tug, the one I experience in the area of my heart when I see his picture in everyday life---feels like a sadness, for at least a minute or two.

Until I bring the focus around to him and his happy family. And remember that this is the way it is supposed to be.  And all is well. This isn't about me. Even though it sometimes feels like it is. It feels like a direct sign that I have been judged and have fallen short, so now I have to suffer this loss of my grandchild. Kind of like a punishment for what I should have done, what I should have known.

I know the "tug" I feel is selfish in nature. Self-critical. A waste of energy. But it doesn't stop it from happening. It is a powerful combo of regret and resolution, and a resignation that I don't get a second chance to do it right with Ford.

Ford will never be fully "mine" in the way I wish he could be. It just wasn't meant to be the way I dreamed it to be. He has a couple of other grandma's who see him regularly, who babysit him often, who get the sleepovers and the vacation time I crave with him.

Parenting is a huge responsibility and I have never been anything but conscientious about any responsibilities that have landed on my plate. Problem is, I got too caught up in doing parenting "right", by the book as I had been shown and taught, and I forgot to make time to  enjoy it.

I forgot to have fun. It should have been fun, darn it. But that is not what I remember... and my kids and husband probably don't remember it that way either.

Oh don't get me wrong, I could have done a worse job. I am not saying I was a complete failure, I did manage to keep everyone safe and clean, accident and germ free (for the most part), but I missed all the little precious moments that I can never get back. The moments of being. Of appreciating. Of enjoying. And somehow I allowed my children to think that they were not good enough, as they were. My focus was always on the future... an if you would have done this, then this...kind of a thing. I was taught that from a young age. It didn't serve me. And it didn't serve my children.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.  It was so wrong for me to continue that belief. So far from the truth of what is really important.

I have lived 50 years with a mean inner critic. She isn't about to sit back and not take the opportunity to scold me about this. I recognize that I wasn't the best parent I could have been. I know I had the right intentions, but my execution sucked. While I am not one to dwell on would've, could've should'ves---I would take a do over if I could.

Knowing my grand baby is not really mine and that I won't get a second chance to do it right with him, makes me sad. Really sad. Unexplainably devastated. Because I want(ed) another chance to do it right.

I give out a lot of advice these days. To others. And I firmly believe in living your truth. The good parts and the bad. So I get it. I know I have to be okay with acknowledging that I tried my best with my kids. It might not have been good enough, but it was my best. I did it with the right intentions. With love. 

And I have to be okay with knowing I won't have the luxury of fully being Ford's grandma and learning to appreciate his little habits and quirks. I once imagined having lazy days of babysitting where I'd get to be 100% focused on my grandchild, without any distractions and free from the responsibility of doing it right. As a grandparent it wouldn't be all up to me--I could be the kind of person I always wanted to be.  I could Spoil. Meander. Play. Indulge.

But it isn't meant to be. Not yet.

So parents...spoil your kids with your time and love. Love every second of your time with them: the good and the bad. Savor those sleepy weekend mornings, the movie time snuggling (even if it is for the the 50th time), and the slow walks in the woods. The ones where you never actually get anywhere. Let your kids get dirty, play in the rain, and stay up so late they see the moon. Let them wear mismatched shoes out in public and not think it is a reflection on your ability to parent;  let your kids instead be proud they dressed themselves.

Live in the moment. Your example of living in and acknowledging the "now", will be so much more important than keeping your house clean or getting the laundry done.

I see so many young parents doing it right these days and I am so happy for them --and at the same time sad that I wasn't smart enough to have done the same.

Stop trying to follow the advice of your parents and grand parents --chances are when they do become grandparents--they will be attempting to make up for the time they lost, too. Trying to right wrongs they were taught to believe in.

What I would do differently.

Show your kids by example what is really important. Listen to them. Answer them to the best of your ability. Align your words and actions. Spend time --QUALITY time--with them, sharing everything you can. Stop making a plan for everything, instead give yourself time to just enjoy the moment. Even if the moment has you feeling frazzled, tired, frustrated, or exasperated.  Learn to appreciate that you will never have that moment again.

Be present, and also be the best parent you can be in the present moment. Don't save your best self for an opportunity for a do over with your grand baby that may never come.

I understand that my adorable grandson is exactly where he is supposed to be, and with who he is supposed to be with. That makes my heart happy, and now most of the time when I look at a picture of him, it makes me smile with joy that at least he is in my life. No matter if it is different than I once thought. No matter that my do over, my second chance will have to wait.

Related posts: 

http://get-off-go.squarespace.com/blog/my-heart-is-full

http://www.getoffgo.com/blog/the-view-from-here