On A Precipice....
It is no secret to anyone that I meditate. Lately though I've been choosing quality over quantity, as I am very picky about the spaces I choose to meditate. Outdoors is by far my favorite setting and in the warmer months there is a little spot that calls to me up north by my cottage.
Meditation has proven to be a lifesaver for me. I realize now how many years I spent ignoring my inner voice and suppressing my intuition, even going so far as to dismiss early signs in my own body of an imbalance or potential problem. It's a common thing, especially for women. Often times we put the needs of others, our families our spouses, even our careers ahead of our own physical and spiritual needs. By the time we get our 'to do' list done, there is no energy left to direct inward. If meditation is suggested before a Type A like me even understands how to slow down, fledgling attempts to relax and meditate are met with sleep. (As was often the case for me in the early days of yoga classes, shavashana equaled power nap.)
Embracing down time and creating opportunities and space to tune in and to let my mind wander without specific goals has allowed me to have a greater understanding of my body, of my thought patterns, and has reconnected me with my positive and supportive inner voice. In the spaces between my thoughts, I have found the real me.
The real me is much more aware of unhealthy patterns now. A week ago I posed a question to myself during my meditation time asking why I had stalled on my writing efforts. Writing is important to me and my biggest creative goal is to write a book (or three).
Here is the internal conversation that ensued.
Me: Why am I not motivated to write?
Inner Me: I sense that I am on a precipice. It is higher than I am normally comfortable with. I am distracting myself from taking the next step because I am scared. The next step isn't clear. It requires courage, belief, trust and means total vulnerability.
Me: What if I write what I need/want to and no one reads it?
Inner Me: Does it really matter?
Me: I have written a lot that no one has even read. Do you think it would get me unstuck if I just get the words out--with no expectation they will go anywhere?
Inner Me: What do you think? If you thought the wisdom you'd gained would help someone else, wouldn't you share it? Of course you would.
Me: So there is my answer, right?
Inner Me: Write it and share it. If it helps someone, or if someone likes your words or your writing style, it may lead to the next step.
Me: What if I am not sure of my audience?
Inner Me: Does it really matter? Again, if you thought someone (an unnamed, unidentified person) could learn from you being courageous and sharing your words, would you share them? Of course you would. So don't worry about your audience. Write from your soul. The accomplished writers always say to write what you know. So, write what you know. Trust the rest will happen as it is supposed to.
Me: Anything else I need to know?
Inner Me: You are loved.
Me: Thank you. So are you. Appreciate the help. Perhaps now I just need to Get Off Go.
Meditation can be different every time you tune in. That is why it is a practice and we approach it with no expectations, only patience and space. I will say after years of dialogue in my head with a mean inner voice who always found me lacking, I am happy to connect with this supportive, helpful and loving side. No matter where it takes me, my focused inward time during meditation always brings me back to a peaceful place--and shines a welcoming light on the next step in front of me.
Which now that I think about it --- is very helpful when you are on a precipice.