I love it when people call me fearless.

I also dread it.

Especially when my inner voice screams "not true, you are not fearless, not by a long shot."

I suppose I believe that if  I were truly fearless then I would march off and take action on the things I believed in, and in doing so would make a difference in the world around me. As I write this I am realizing that I have not fully grown past the if, then  futuristic thinking pattern that once ruled me. I thought I had.

To me standing in your personal truth, believing in yourself, and allowing your dreams to grow wings --those actions spell fearless to me. And if that is my gauge, no wonder I fall so far short of believing that I am capable of fearless.

A truly fearless person would go after what they want.

I don't do that well. I still find reasons (or excuses) to procrastinate, to abort, or to divert. I allow myself to get caught up in way too many detours and distractions. Self-sabotage?

I've tried at different times in my life to take action in what seems like the right direction, but I end up letting my inner voice (or someone else' s voiced fears) stop me in my tracks. I've wondered if my heart was not truly into those ideas I left behind, or if I am just scared of committing fully to a path in case it is the "wrong" one. Whatever the reason, I begin things with enthusiasm and passion, and then I stall.

There should be no fear in truth.

Why are so many women of my age afraid to stand fully in our truth?  Is it because we have been taught to worry about what it looks like from the outside, a what-will-the-neighbor's-think mentality we inherited from our mothers and grandmothers? Or is it fear?

We really should be worried more about how it feels on the inside, than what it looks like on the outside---shouldn't we?

Creativity, whether with words, a paintbrush, a camera, a sewing machine, a series of music notes, lies within all of us. And it is nothing short of scary to share outwardly what comes from the deepest parts of our soul. Yet we cannot allow ourselves to stay safe in our skin, never expressing  fully what we feel in our soul, or it will extinguish our light.

The truth, who we really are, is deep within our soul. It is in that creative space where all our  goodness and brokenness awaits the chance to fully express itself. To shine a light outward and make our unique difference.

A truly fearless person would have already written the book I tell people I am writing. They would have let go of the negative thoughts that they aren't really a writer, or they aren't a good enough one anyway. And they would let go of thinking they have nothing unique or original enough to share.

I need to let my light shine. In my own unique words. And I need to do it without expectation and without worrying about the consequences.

I took a step today in the direction of fearless. I signed up to attend the Storyline Writers Conference this fall outside of Chicago. Investing in my dream. Investing in me.

As I continue to evolve and grow into the best me I can be, I thank those who see me as fearless. Your support encourages me to keep going. To keep trying. To believe in myself.

I am pretty sure I see fearless, and she is just around the corner.

Have you ever asked for feedback only to be unhappy with the results?

I am a big believer in getting feedback when I am unsure of something. For example I might ask for help with the wording or main message of a blogpost, the effectiveness of a new personal growth exercise for one of my workshops, or the appropriateness of a dance move to a new GROOVE song. I genuinely learn from other people's opinions and wish for them to be honest with me.

Because I am a huge believer in seeing things from all perspectives, that means when I ask for your opinion, I don't want you to sugar coat it and tell me my idea is fine, if it really isn't in your opinion. Critiques are for helping me see things clearer and for improving my effectiveness. That is why I have a hard time understanding why people wouldn't want "real", honest feedback from me if they asked for my opinion.

Yet I've run across enough people who just want a "YES" man to respond when they ask for feedback. Someone to build up their self-confidence by being a cheerleader, and not really offering suggestions for improvement. While I don't mind doing this either, if I can honestly find something to praise, it would be nice to know ahead of time. I have gotten caught critiquing when a mere 'great job' is all that is needed.

One of my life lessons has been to recognize when to critique and when to praise. In other words, not everyone wants to know what I really think and questions aren't always as innocent as they seem. 

I've come to realize that sometimes people ask either because they think they are supposed to, or because in doing so they think I will then be on board with the idea and in a sense, with them. 

I have always liked making people think, pointing out a different perspective or a missing link, and when someone isn't ready for that kind of information it can lead to hurt feelings. I sense (too late) that they didn't ask with the intention of really listening to me or fully considering my opinion. By the time I realize it, they are unhappy that I found fault with something they were already content with.

I'm not saying if you ask me my opinion you have to do what I suggest, or make any changes based solely on my point of view, but if you ask my opinion--you should at least be ready to listen to my answer.

Here are a few things to keep in mind before giving your full opinion.

Know your audience to determine if they are a beginner or an expert. Knowing this may help you decide how much information to give them and whether you concentrate on praising the parts they are doing correctly, or point out what could be improved.

Don't give out a blanket criticism with no examples to back it up. To be useful criticism needs to be constructive, helpful, and reveal an additional perspective or possibility. It should not be mean, vague or solely based on your preferences.

Don't expect them to follow your advice every time. You can give the most helpful critique and the person receiving it may still not follow your direction. That is okay, if you feel that your opinion was respectfully heard, considered and appreciated.

Give it to them straight and don't sugar coat to spare someone's feelings. It is likely they will see through your "fake" ness and this will send them into a tailspin thinking everything needs tweaking, when it may be only a small part.

For me personally, positive feedback and accolades are always welcome if they are spoken from your truth. If you believe in my idea, or like what you hear, please say so. On the flip side, constructive criticism is also just as welcome and helpful to me. I saw this quote in a blog article and had to share, it hits the nail on the head for me:

Given these two different functions, positive and negative feedback should be more effective (and more motivating) for different people at different times. For instance, when you don't really know what you are doing, positive feedback helps you to stay optimistic and feel more at ease with the challenges you are facing — something novices tend to need. But when you are an expert, and you already more or less know what you are doing, it's negative feedback that can help you do what it takes to get to the top of your game.  A well balanced person in search of passion has parts of their life they are "experts" at, and if they are doing it right, has things that push them out of their comfort zone into new territory. So while they aren't a novice at life, they can be a beginner at something.....a good analysis of the person you are giving feedback to is the first thing you should consider. That and check your meanness at the door.

Excerpted from : http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2013/01/sometimes_negative_feedback_is.html 

There are life changing moments and there are life defining moments.

My life defining moment came at the lowest point of my life. From the person I was most worried about. Not sure what set me off on this particular day, but I hit my rock bottom.

Sad, lonely, depressed, stuck, anxious, scared.....I was sitting in our basement miserable in my puddle of tears. No one else was home. I think I chose this day to crack as I knew it was too scary to share this breakdown with anyone anyway. I just needed to let it all out, face my darkness and start crawling out of the hole I had dug for myself. I was tired of trying so hard to be perfect and seeing the reminders every day of how much I had failed at exactly that.

In the throes of my sobbing from that deep deep part of me, I heard a noise behind me. It was Mitch. He was suddenly there. Oh boy. It was too late to stop the flow, the release-- there was no way I would be able to collect myself and pretend that everything was okay.

He asked: What's wrong mom? Are you okay? He gave me a hug which just made me cry more.

"No"-- was all I could manage. No I thought, how can I be okay when the world feels like it is crashing around me. Everything I worked so hard to control is crashing and burning right in front of me. Even you. Especially you. I am scared for you, worried for you, lost in how to reach out to you.  Tired of trying and failing and trying and failing. At being a mother. At being a career woman. At being happy. At being me.

I have no idea what I am doing. Fresh tears tore through my gut. My heart. My whole self.

I think I said something to the effect of: "I will be okay."

But I didn't feel okay. It was a lie at that moment. I didn't feel like it would be okay at that moment. Or ever. I was sorry. I was sorry for being sorry. I was lost. I was unhappy. My stomach hurt 24/7 and I wasn't sleeping well either. I was just plain miserable. And ready for a change.

But what came out of my mouth was a mom thing:  "I will be okay I just need to let this all out."

"Sorry for what?" he queried.

"Everything. Everything I ever did wrong." I said.

Everything I have screwed up with you. With Alec. With Sadie. I am so sorry I thought.

"Mom, I am fine. I will be fine. You and dad are the best people I know. I want to be just like you when I grow up." And there were nicer words that followed but I cannot remember them. I could not hear them.

His first words struck a chord deep down in my misery.

What? Did he really just say what I think he said?

I stopped crying. And I began to breathe again.

From this seemingly unlikely source, the person I felt most disconnected from, and was most worried about--came the exact words I needed to hear to begin my journey forward. Back to me.

What I wasn't quite yet ready to admit to my son at that moment was this:

I am a joke. I am 50 years old and I have no idea what I am doing or how to really be me. One thing I know for sure is you do not want to be just like me.

You want to be just like YOU.

You are more than enough just the way are. No changes needed --just find and keep your center. It is the heart of you and all that is good. It is all you ever need.

Stay true to you. Don't let the world dumb you down, keep you safe, or stop your dreams. Live as YOU and the rest of your life will fall into place. Don't do things to please others, which is not to say don't be nice to others or show compassion and thoughtfulness, that is important too.

Just do what you know to be right for you --do not lose touch with your center and what feels right, though this is the secret no one tells us as kids. You are born knowing what is right for you.

We learn it someone else's way, through someone else's filter when we are young. And that is where the trouble starts, the losing our own center part.

My way is just that --my way.

And that means that your way is just that also ---your way.

Both are right. And both are occasionally wrong.

Both are enough. Both are important. Both are necessary.

Son of mine, you are: right, enough, important, necessary and LOVED.

Author's note: This is a post I originally wrote nearly three and a half years ago. It was never published because I ran it by a friend before I clicked 'publish' on my blog, and her opinion stopped me from sharing it. She didn't say anything wrong or anything bad, but her lack of liking it made me doubt myself. And that was enough to stop me from sharing it. Back then I was accustomed to letting doubt creep in at the slightest turn. It was my way of staying safe--of attempting to stay ahead of any possible criticism. Having learned the futility and ultimate failure of this way of thinking, I have since successfully silenced my mean inner critic.

Working with so many highly sensitive people this last year has made me realize that I am not the only one clinging to the false belief that if I do everything perfectly I can remain 'beyond reproach'.  That is straight up crap --and is both exhausting and futile.

Silencing the monster within me took courage and patience. In hopes that a little inspiration may help someone else silence theirs, I am sharing this as it was originally written, without changing tenses or words. Freely. And without expectation. Or inner judgment.

I know it will reach the person who needs it most.

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Don’t get caught up in the chase, enjoy what is right in front of you.

How many times have you set a goal for yourself, and then gone after it with gusto. A new diet to shed 15 pounds, a new workout routine to whip your body into shape, a strict budget to save money for something you want to purchase? Whatever the goal you’ve set, it can be energizing and satisfying to have a purpose (and an end) to work towards.

Goals are trackable, achievable and recognizable, both to you, and to others around you. Call me weird but as a kid I always loved getting a report card. It showed me that I was on track. Or that I wasn’t, in some cases. It told me what I needed to work harder on, where my strengths were, and where they weren’t. It was a great way to stay focused and to discern where I stood in the scheme of life.

But what happens to that feeling of being on track when we become adults? Where is our report card? Who tells us if we are on track, or points out our strengths, tells us what we need to work on and gives us recognition for our accomplishments?

No one. We have to do it ourselves. We self evaluate, self analyze, and grade our own performance as mothers, wives, worker bees, friends. And most of us are pretty darn hard on ourselves. How often are we truly satisfied with our accomplishments?

I know I'm not. I always think about what I could have done better, choosing to focus on the areas that need improvement rather than stopping to celebrate what I have actually accomplished. It’s kind of exhausting. Take being a mother, for example. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Even when I'm right, I feel wrong. And I think about all the things I could have done better to handle a situation. Letting your children make their own mistakes is almost impossible to handle gracefully.

So, how can we stop the madness of focusing on our weaknesses and not our strengths?

How about we all try to appreciate ourselves, and our accomplishments a little more...

Really think about that. The next time we start to knock ourselves for not accomplishing something on our "To Do" list, how about we pause and pat ourselves on the back for what we did do instead.  Cleaned the house, filled the cupboards with groceries, helped the kids with their homework, did the laundry, cooked dinner, picked up the new glasses at the eye doctor, returned the videos and library books on time, sent a birthday card to our mother-in-law, well.... you get the idea, right?

Remember your own awesomeness. Celebrate all the little achievements and give yourself some time to smell the roses along the way, instead of hurtling off headlong toward your next big goal. I know I'm willing to give it a go. How about you?
 

“Wherever perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun. Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, which you see all the time in successful leaders, it’s not about trying to set goals and being the best we can be, perfectionism is basically a cognitive behavioral process that says if I look perfect, work perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame, ridicule, and criticism. It’s a defense mechanism.”

— Brene Brown

I'm not exactly sure when my safe world was rocked by the realization that my life wasn't going perfectly, but I do remember the day I hit rock bottom.

For several months my life had slowly been spinning out of control -- and I was helplessly watching it get worse and worse. I had worked for years to do everything right, to be perfect, but it was a grand illusion. A joke. All my worst fears were happening right before my eyes and there seemed nothing I could do to stop them.

I had lived under the false belief that if I did it all perfectly, everything would all work out perfectly. I hadn't yet learned that attempting to control my world would not lead to perfection, it would lead to disappointment, helplessness and eventually a deep sadness. It didn't help me escape the shame, ridicule or criticism I so despised either, no matter how much additional effort I applied to doing it right.

Worse yet I was attempting to do it all perfectly with an expectation-- an if... then kind of a thing. Always pinning my happiness on some future thing meant that I never actually got to be happy or satisfied in the moment, it was just a constant uphill battle that never arrived at perfect.

I thought that if I did everything right, beyond criticism, followed the rules, then... I would be accepted, appreciated, and loved for who I was. But that never really happened. The real me was hidden under so many layers of thinking I'm not good enough, even I didn't know who I was anymore. I was always looking ahead and striving to be more, to do it better, to be beyond reproach. That meant that any compliment I did receive was immediately negated by my mean voice, which never even allowed two seconds of time to take in the warm fuzzy feelings a compliment should bring. I was always three steps ahead and thinking about how I could have (should have) done it better. Or how I would get it 100% right next time.

My mean voice eventually graduated to pointing out flaws in things and people around me. Even that felt like rejection--I heard my mean voice giving up on me, as if I wasn't worth trying to "fix" anymore. I easily slipped into the persona of a glass half empty bitch.

Being able to see and sense my own flaws and imperfections made it natural to wait and watch for that same criticism from others. And if I was "right" about my wrongness, it gave my mean voice more fuel.

Deep down I think I knew I could never really be perfect, and yet that fervently remained my goal.

Giving my best effort should have been good enough. Perfection is the great illusion. To think otherwise, to live otherwise, indicates we are operating from an unhealthy place. My need for control, to be right and insulated from criticism caused my perfectionism to spill outward to everyone around me. It crossed boundaries into other people's space. It got ugly.

The worst part is that I could not get off the train. I could not let go, even though I knew that life would be so much easier if I just stopped trying to be perfect. On I plowed, so darn unhappy, so mean to myself, so scared that I would lose control and end up a failure --which in retrospect I kind of did anyway. Because there is nothing quite like an epic fail to grasp the lesson that nothing is ever perfect, even if it sometimes looks like it from the outside.

I know that I am "judged" a little every time I lead a yoga class, by someone like the 'me' I used to be. They will find flaws, mistakes, and truthfully so will I, only now I don't let them stop me from moving forward. When I forget the second side of a series of poses, or call out left when I mean right, or fall over--- I don't dwell on the mistake, I laugh it off. I make a joke.

I am finally able to recognize that I am human and I give myself a little grace. My best effort is all I really have, and that will have to be good enough. Even for me.

Related links: http://www.fastcompany.com/3026324/leadership-now/do-you-have-the-good-kind-of-perfectionism

The theme for weeks now has been letting go. And I am doing a pretty decent job of that. So far I have let go of worrying about my grown children --and instead say prayers to keep them surrounded by protective light and positivity. I have let go of doing, and have moved toward just being. I now after years of constant motion, finally allow myself to relax and say "no" when I feel the need. When a to-do list (former accomplishment freak here) begins to take over my head, I breathe deeply and just think of the most immediate thing I need to do, and I start (and sometimes even end) right there.

Perhaps the hardest part of letting go is watching those I care about in various stages of suffering and recognize that unless I am asked, it is not my deal to fix.

My "spidey sense" always sees right down to the heart of most matters, and it always sees possible solutions. I've come to learn that just because I see a possible solution does not mean I need to do anything about it. That part is the most difficult thing to let go of. I hate to see people hurting and I want to help, but I also have learned the hard way --it is not my deal. Everyone has their own lessons to learn, their own journey to take--just as I have mine.

I wonder if some people's ultimate life lesson is to learn to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. To stop trying to do things all by themselves and to be open to considering things from another perspective. I especially wonder this when I see people miss multiple opportunities to learn a lesson, and repeat the same mistakes without much growth or awareness. Sometimes I wish they'd ask for help---and really be ready to hear what I have to say.

Being empathic and recently understanding that I can keep my energy separate from the energy of others around me, has proven invaluable in keeping my peaceful inner center and my focus more properly directed inward.

"This is me (drawing an imaginary circle around myself) and this is you (drawing the same imaginary circle around the other person). This visual helps me keep myself in check. Although I can feel your pain, and read your emotions, the responsibility to do something to alleviate that pain is not mine. Where I once used to take on your pain as my own, I now am able to feel it and discern it isn't mine, and let it go. At least for now. At least until you ask me for help.

Empathy is an interesting thing. So many years I lived and loved clueless that not everyone lived and loved in the same way I did. It all makes so much sense now. And, well, it brings up a lot of questions, too.

It for sure makes me sorry for sticking my nose in where it did not belong. For offering help when I was not  actually asked.

To my kids: I truly did not understand that I experienced the world differently.  I wanted to smooth the bumps in the road that I saw so clearly ahead for you. Silly me, I thought it would save you the suffering. I never meant to take away your power. I did not ever wish to make you feel less than. And I have certainly never stopped believing in you.

My years of barging through barriers are over. I plan to stay centered, yet ready to help when I am asked. I'm here if you need help. Always. Because I have "let go" does not mean that I love you less, it just means I recognize that your struggle is YOUR struggle. Your lesson. And I cannot learn it for you, nor save you the pain of living it.

Just know that I will listen without judgment, and provide an armful of solutions should you wish for them. I am here when you are ready.

It feels really good to finally get it.

You have the power within you. Those words might be the only mantra I need for life. Now that I realize their truth, they are my answer for everything.

I've been wearing the ruby slippers for years and hadn't realized their power. My power.

To do Anything. Everything. or Nothing.

Why did I spend so many years giving up my power to others? Questioning my own intuition. Thinking I needed someone else's buy in to my ideas to make things happen. Why didn't I trust myself more?

I do now and I am not about to give up that power again.

In recent weeks I have recognized my ability to be fully me. To say yes when I mean yes, and no when I mean no. To go forward when I recognize that I am on the right path. To be connected with others when I want to and also to recognize my body's warning signs when I need time to dis "connect", or to as I call it "turtle in". To see the positive in the situations around me where I once might have focused on the negative.

Life is so much less complicated now. The drama is outside of my bubble. I have an inner peace that rocks.

Today I sat outside and appreciated the beauty of the lake before me. I appreciated the fantastic life I have been blessed to live. My beautiful talented soft-hearted boys, my gorgeous husband, my often crazy family who make me laugh and cry, and the many "others" who think that I am something special and call upon me to be their safe haven.

The sheer wonder of such a great life caused tears to leak. No one was around to see or notice, so I'm sharing that secret with you.

I'm not sure why I ever lost the ability to appreciate every. single. thing. about my life, but I am sure glad that gratitude is back in full force.

Happy. Happy. Happy. And so fully blessed!

I have been known to cringe when people say the name of my business incorrectly--most times they say "Get Off and Go" instead of just "Get Off Go". Not a big deal really, but it matters to me so I thought I would explain where the name came from in hopes people will remember it.

Two summers ago I was deep in the midst of digging inward to understand myself better. I filled countless notepads every time I sat in the sun, words just poured out of me onto the paper. Some ideas were sparked by the self-help books I was reading, other times I just needed to get crap off my chest . So I wrote, and wrote, and in the process I began to heal and find my true path.

Sometime near the end of that summer I realized that what I really wanted to do was help others move forward. It is what I now consider my life's purpose, and something I do easily and intuitively. In fact for a long time it was actually easier to help others move forward than it was to help myself! When I looked down at my notepad one day after doing an exercise to uncover my innermost wishes, I had written 'I want to help people get off go.' And just like that I was on Go Daddy to see if the web address was available. To my surprise it was --this after the maddening weeks I spent typing in random things like eatpoop.com just to verify my belief that everything (I wanted) was already taken. The fact that it was actually available might have been the first of many signs from a higher power showing me I was finally on track.

Now imagine the "Go" in Get Off Go as that first space on a game board --kind of like the Go/Start space on the Monopoly board-- your token is poised and ready, all lined up, prepared but still stuck all at the same time. You need to roll the dice and create some forward motion to begin the game.

I run across people every week that are stuck, or at least stalled in their lives. They are standing on the "go" space but something holds them back from making their move -- it can be fear, negativity, self-doubt, a lack of belief in themselves or even that they are listening to others around them tell them they can't. Sometimes old patterns or beliefs need to be identified, busted up and removed to start the forward motion. 

I know this precipice well. I stood there for a few years, assembling my parts and pieces, hesitating, reassembling, hesitating more, then finally being brave and reaching out for help. Only no one answered. Seriously. I was ready to go, and there seemed no one willing to help. I didn't need a counselor, or a therapist--I had done enough of that kind of work on my own. But I did need a gentle push to get me moving forward. Strange isn't it that the life coach (es) I emailed and called years ago never even bothered to respond.

My wish is that Get Off Go attracts people who are ready to do the hard work necessary to heal and thrive. As a person who has recently traveled along this same road, I can be of help to others. I am not good at sales; I never will be. But I AM good at listening, asking questions, connecting dots, and helping people think differently. The best way I know how to reach out to people is to host workshops.

So here is my summer workshop line up:

Thursday, May 29  VISION BOARD WORKSHOP

Tuesday, June 3 BEGINNING MEDITATION

Tuesday, June 17 CULTIVATING GREATER SELF ACCEPTANCE

Tuesday, July 24 THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING

Tuesday, July 1 WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK--GOING DEEPER INTO FEAR

If you are ready to move forward, or if you find yourself needing a change in direction and could use help figuring out the first steps, please consider joining me at one of the workshops. Go with the one(s) that resonate with you, because deep down you already know what you need to Get Off Go. 

Namaste.

I've been concentrating on the "now" for the last few weeks, and as a result it has been very quiet on this blog. In a way I have been reconstructing myself, crawling out of the darkness and into the light of my life.

It isn't as though I haven't been writing....I just haven't shared. I've been sorting things out, following signs from the universe--savoring the little moments of spring that somehow I have managed to miss for 30 some years. It's been heavenly to see my beloved trees get their clothes (leaves) back on. As much as I think I am watching them for signs of change via buds and blooms, it seems they go from bare to bedazzled overnight. It is magnificent.

I spent the first half of this year "turtling" in and focusing on finding and keeping my calm inner center, and now I am feeling the urge to be creative. For years I have believed my own lies and thought that I was not artistic. I recently took a chance on trying my hand at painting, and oddly enough it gave me self-confidence (not so much in my painting), but in my artistic vision.

I am oddly proud of the things I have created lately. (And it feels really weird to admit this to myself and to you.)

Maybe the difference is that I have stopped judging everything the way I once did, so I don't paint, photograph nature or write for any other reason than it fuels my soul. I don't care if anyone else likes it. I am not doing it to be liked. I am doing it because my inner voice tells me I need to do it.

It is not only freeing to release judgment of my own work (which I did for decades and always found it lacking), but crazily motivating to allow myself to feel pride in it. I spent the majority of my life pointing out flaws in myself instead of celebrating my strengths. This new self-appreciation does a lot to support my inner cheerleader, the one who not only believes in me, but encourages me.

As memories and childhood experiences float through my now quieter mind, I realize that I spent the majority of my life as an observer of the world around me. It was my way of making sure I "fit in", wasn't a burden, did my share, and never let anyone down. I was a good person to have around--I got things whipped into shape, I walked in front of many and smoothed out bumps in the path ahead--sometimes before they even recognized there was going to be a bump-- but in doing so I rarely considered my own needs. I focused outward and wrongly believed that putting myself first in line meant I was being selfish. Silly me. I have learned that I cannot fully be present with those I love unless I am being true to myself. The old adage "You cannot heal those around you until you heal yourself" is one that has made a huge difference in me in the last year. Finding my way back to "me" has led to better relationships with everyone I love.

I recognize now that I never really fully lived or appreciated the moments of my life. I was just passing through until....until something. Next week, more money, when the kids grew up, when I had the house clean. I put off my joy until I accomplished the next thing, only it got so crazy that the next thing never stopped coming. It was like an obsession to keep accomplishing or what ...I would fall apart? I would fail? I would be judged lazy? I would cease to exist? I am not really sure what my ego convinced me of....I just know that life became overwhelming and exhausting.

Maybe my book (the one I have started writing) will help peel back the layers of why I allowed this to happen. Maybe writing it out will help someone else learn from my mistakes and avoid the dark trap of accomplishment and doing.

All I know is that I am forever changed. I intend to truly live in every moment of my life. I will put myself at the front of the line because I realize I am nothing to those I love unless I am truly and 100% myself. And to be truly myself I have to heed the quiet voice inside that says move your body, creatively express your soul, talk with the trees, and laugh with those you love; often and fully.

So I am, and I will continue. And I will savor every second.

"I just want you to know I don't like gym yoga."

Her words hung there in the space between my breaths. As they sunk in I realized two things at once, oh my gosh she just put me on alert that I better do this right or she is going to hate this class (and me) AND hold on...she signed up to join this community yoga class. It is her choice to be here.

Thankfully that second thought stopped me from moving into panic mode. In my transformation from type A overachiever I have worked hard to respond  rather than react  (overreact) to life's unexpected situations.

Not so long ago the thought that someone was judging my ability to lead a yoga class would have kicked me in the rear and pulled me completely out of the moment. I think it shows growth that this time it made me smile a little on the inside. I knew this was about her and not me; she wanted attention. So instead of letting her words derail me with worry about whether or not she was going to like me and the class, I just paid her a bit of direct attention.

I asked her to get in the front row so I could keep an eye on her. And then I went right on leading my "community" yoga class the way I would normally do it, not even worrying that this person might compare my class to a "studio" yoga class and find it lacking. If she did, there was nothing that I could do at that moment to change it.

I have learned that you can't please everyone all the time, and maybe more importantly, I give myself permission not to always try. And at the end of the day (or yoga class in this case) my best is indeed good enough.

To my delight at the end of this particular class my new student told me she loved it and said that she'd be back the next week. I know it won't always work out that way, some people will find me lacking -- but I'm gradually getting more comfortable with that as well.

Later that night I received an unexpected text from the owner of a small company where I had led a yoga class at lunch. He said "Great session today. I think you have discovered our collective need. You're very good at what you do."

Thank you universe for reminding me that just being me, and doing it to the best of my ability is enough.

A month ago I took part in a transformational leadership seminar. An interesting thing happened during the weekend long workshop, we had an assignment called 'Getting Off It' and I was supposed to call someone out of the blue and address something that had been bothering me, something I hadn't gotten over. This person may or may not have even known I was holding onto something.  In other words we were to reflect (soul search), be honest about something we'd buried, fess up to the person involved and move on.

I didn't do my homework.

(Usually a rule follower, unless they are dumb, which this wasn't, I questioned why I hadn't done it). Was there no one I needed to get over something with? Was it because I am no good at phone conversations about important things like forgiveness or moving on and would rather do it in person?

I think the real reason I didn't do it is because the conversation I needed to have was with myself.  I needed to 'get off' being mad at myself for continually making the same mistake over and over again.

In fact, that particular evening I had been beating myself up for having made the same mistake earlier that day. When am I going to learn that just because I can see what needs to be done to move something or someone forward, does not mean I should share it?

Over and over I cannot seem to stop myself from jumping in to help someone before they have even asked for help; before they are even ready.  I am aware of  this and yet I still let my enthusiasm and good intentions get the best of me, certain at that moment that I have read the signs correctly and my help is wanted.

At one of our break out exercises earlier that day we had to team up with another participant to answer some very deep personal questions. When it was my turn to answer them, I started out with confidence as I have spent the last couple of years answering those same questions myself. It wasn't until partway through my turn that instead of just answering easily I started to recognize that my listener, my "partner" was no longer "liking" my answers....she was slowly pulling away from me. I sensed that she was questioning my answers. Almost like she didn't believe me. I allowed her suspicions to get the best of me, and I started answering differently so she would stay on the same page with me.  I realize now I wanted her to like me.

I found myself saying things like "the old me would say this but the new me says this", and even as I did I could hear the voice in my head snidely asking if there were two of me? I could see that she was measuring herself up to me, competing with me --and I wanted her to stop. I knew how many hours of personal growth I had clocked to get to this point, I deserved to be confident in me. And yet, even as I continued on I heard myself explaining that I was still growing, that it was a practice every day to get rid of my old ways of thinking and become the me I was always meant to. I knew even as the words came out that I was saying those things to make her feel better, I really had moved on from my own mean voice and was confident in my self-awareness, my current assessment of "me". I could also see she was clearly not feeling the same way about herself.

I could empathize with her because I had lived for years with a similar judging inner voice who had often made me feel "less than" someone else, and I wanted to spare her that pain. My mistake was twofold, I should never have compromised my answers to make her feel better, and I shouldn't have told her that I had a book suggestion for her.

I really thought I had given up on worrying what others think about me and no longer compromised what I really wanted to say just to please others. I was wrong.

If I had answered the questions with complete confidence and honesty then maybe she wouldn't have struck back at me later in the day when we were asked to volunteer to give assessments of our initial impression of someone else. I was unprepared for her to deliver a negative assessment/assumption in front of the whole room saying I made her feel judged because I had gone into coach mode and offered her a book suggestion. (Funny that I never even gave her that book suggestion).  As part of this exercise all we could say in response to someone's assessment of us was thank you.

So I said "thank you" only my cheeks were smarting and my heart was racing. Apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed the aggressive way she delivered her "judgment" of me. Right after her comment many people piped up to say they were very uncomfortable with this exercise and the giving of negative assessments publicly. It caused quite a ruckus, someone even said they wanted to hug me. I wasn't mad at her for the assessment, I was mad at myself for momentarily slipping back into the old way of seeing myself through the eyes of others and attempting to change me to fit them.

Remember the "get off it" homework I never did? What I needed to get off of was to accept that I had made a gross error by once again worrying about what someone else thought of me. I should never have changed my answers to be more "accepted" by my partner, I should have just stuck with the truth. The truth is that I am happy with me. I have worked hard to be where I am and no one's "judgment" of me should change that.

So here is my late homework: Self --I am sorry that I allowed someone's feelings about me to derail my confidence in who I am. I am also sorry in my attempt to help this person I compromised myself by scaling back the answers about me, then jumped in with a suggestion for her and screwed the whole thing up. I am getting this off my chest, letting it go, learning my lesson and I am moving on. Right now.

And so it goes...

I'm not brave.

Or, am I? I did make at least one bold move recently.

I left behind the world I knew and walked off into the sunset to follow my heart. I did it without a plan, and without a safety net. It was totally out of my comfort zone. Heck, it was out of everyone's comfort zone. It might have even been a little irresponsible.

Many thought so. A few told me I couldn't do only what I wanted.... some warned me that this new venture would be really hard, others wished me luck to my face (yet I sensed they secretly hoped I'd fail).

And yet, I didn't really care. I'd faced rock bottom and it was a place I never wanted to be again. Depressed and negative, I'd slowly turned into someone I barely recognized, someone I definitely did not like. I had lost my confidence, my solid footing. I questioned everything, had trouble making decisions, and certainly allowed the actions and words of others to derail me.

If brave means doing what you have to do to get your life back, then I guess I was. I took the risk of uncertainty over more of the same. I suppose you could say I took my personal power back.

And despite a rocky forecast, this new gig is working out. I'm happier, freer, better. I don't make the money I once did --which never really mattered to be anyway -- but I also don't spend money like I used to.

Life is simpler. It got so complicated for a while there and I got further and further away from my true self. For a time I couldn't figure out what to do about it. A book saved me. It helped me take a step forward -- since then so many other books have shown me the way. The book that made me look at things differently was Happy For No Reason by Marci Shimoff. I actually didn't read it, I listened to it in my car.

And that is how I feel now, most days. Happy. Blessed. At peace. Freer. Whole. Everything has more meaning than it once did, and so much more is appreciated.

My brave might not have felt that brave to begin with, but I am positive without it, I would not be where I am today.

I met up with a friend the other day and she told me I seemed Calm. Happy. At peace.

She said it with one eyebrow raised. I inquired about that. She wondered how I had done it.

I told her I had "turtled" inward and focused on doing things that were easy, things that served me.  She asked what "easy" meant. I told her I had started saying no to the things that others wanted me to do, things I knew I could do, but didn't really want to. I stopped trying to fix things for others, and started concentrating on what I needed to do to move forward.

It made all the difference in the world.

You cannot heal those around you until you heal yourself. I took that advice to heart. I healed the mean voice inside...and once I did, my life started changing. And those around me noticed and also started changing.

My advice to those who want to move forward: stop listening to the mean voice and start hearing your higher self--the essence of YOU -- I am positive your life will change, too.

And who knows, maybe YOU will find YOUR own version of brave.

When someone passes from this life we immediately begin to fear we will forget them --and search out ways to make sure that doesn't happen. Like wearing something special of theirs, or taking a photo or memento to place in plain sight so you won't stop remembering the way they'd smile, or the light in their eyes. Or their hugs. Or their voice.

I saw so so many ways that my husband's family crafted loving ways to remember their beloved momma. From the wearing and sharing of her jewelry and clothes with all the girls-- daughters, daughter-in-law, grand daughters, and great grands, even those part of the family by love not blood or marriage. Each one was able to take something of hers to remember her by.

I know how important this is as I have worn a necklace that was my friend Addie's for over a year. It is a constant reminder of the beautiful girl she was and forever will be in the memories of those who loved her.

My sister-in-laws went to such beautiful lengths to find ways to keep their momma present in their memories and the memories of their own children and grand children. Some will be too young to remember her for long, so they recorded videos of her reading books to them,  snapped endless pictures, chose special mementos to bring back to their own homes. And most importantly they made sure they enjoyed every minute they could with her before she left this world crafting a boatload of new memories to cherish.

It was so beautiful to see. I am so proud of their grace and in awe of their strength. Not surprisingly, they remind me of my mother-in-law.

When a loved one dies there is no right or wrong way to feel really. Sad is usually first, sometimes anger follows, depression -- but there can also be joy. I choose to believe that we can keep our loved ones with us in spirit, if we pay attention to the present.

Even a year ago I might have thought what I am about to say was wishful thinking or maybe a little crazy--and yet I now know that my mother-in-law, and anyone who has passed---remains forever with us, if we pay attention to the signs.

My husband and I both got signs that she was still with us on the day my mother-in-law passed away. His came when he was making the bed so his dad had fresh sheets to sleep on. As he bumped into the recessed headboard while fussing with the sheets, the music box nestled there made one single chime. He acknowledged it with a fleeting thought wondering if his mom was showing him her happiness that he was doing this kind gesture for his dad. Think how hard it would be to make up the bed for the first time knowing you'd be spending this night truly "alone" without your best friend of 55 years beside you?  Just imagining that is enough to bring the most stoic of men to tears, it breaks my heart in two.

When Mike was nearly done with the bed and as he was pulling up the comforter, the little box chimed once more --this time with no help from a headboard bump --and without hesitation Mike told me he said, "You're welcome, Mom." And smiled.

I can only imagine how delighted his mom was knowing he "got" her sign and then acknowledged it right back to her. I will be doing one great big happy dance in heaven if my boys do that for me!

I received my first sign that same evening in the middle of my GROOVE class. It came first as a thought that she might be watching me dance from above and I smiled up the memory of her own beautiful smile and tinkling laugh--and a moment later my music glitched and switched to a new song. Flustered I ran over and in my haste to get the right song back on -- failed to notice which random song it had switched to-- definitely not one of the others on the song list for that evening. I re-hit play on the song that had glitched --it was Wipe Out by the Surfaris- -and it started up again, played a few notes and immediately switched over to another song (it could have even been the same song as the first time but in my panic I failed to notice). As I searched for an answer that made sense, was the battery dying on my speaker, was the ipod connected properly--- I suddenly realized with certainty it was my "sign" and calmly said "well I guess someone doesn't want us to play this song tonite, so let's move to the next one". No surprise that the rest of the tracks played out just fine.

I believe that mom wanted to validate that she was indeed watching me dance when I was thinking of her. In all the times I have played my Ipod for a GROOVE class it has never once jumped songs like that. I have no doubt it was mom letting me know that she was still here.

We get to choose the way we keep our loved ones with us, so make sure to choose to honor those who have left your life in a way that works for you. Wear some of their jewelry, pray with their rosary, get a tattoo over your heart, walk in their shoes, see the blue sky and smile because it was their favorite kind of day--whatever it is, choose to keep them with you and don't let the sadness of their passing isolate or insulate you from the world.

Appreciate and notice the way other people keep your loved one's memories alive, too. Like the picture above of my father-in-law -- taking a walk on a blue-skied day (which his wife loved)-- and noticing the flag placed at half-staff at the entrance to their condo complex in memory of her. Beautiful.

Recognize those who traveled long distances to the funeral to honor your loved one-- and to support you in your time of need. Take note of how loved it made you feel when someone chooses to surprise you with that support, then remember to return the favor when the time comes.

In the months after a death many may offer you a random hug or a shoulder to cry on -- take them up on their offers of support and don't feel guilty when you laugh or joke and create a new memory with them.  You'll not only make them feel good by allowing them to help you, it just might be exactly what you need to move forward yourself.

If you know someone who has lost someone recently, send them a random note or text message after the funeral is over just to let them know you are thinking about them. Or call them to say "hi", even if you don't really know what to say....trust that the right words will come. It isn't what you say anyway, it is that you thought of them. It helps. They'll remember those gestures far longer than you think.

No matter how hard we try, our memories will fade a little. No doubt the littlest ones in our family will forget the face of their grandma or great grandma Ceal-- they might even forget the special way she read them stories or painted their toenails-- but there are pictures and videos filled with priceless reminders. And so many precious memories will live on in the hearts of those who loved her. I trust that my sisters-in-law, my own children and my nieces and nephew will make sure that no one who is a part of my mother-in-law's great legacy of love (current and future) will ever forget her.

I once remember thinking that when I passed on I wanted my life to be remembered as meaningful in some way, thinking at the time I had to do something remarkable to be worthy of being remembered.  Now I see that there is great meaning in living a life as simply you. Humble. Kind. Strong. Faithful. Loving. Constant.

Mom, you may have been tiny but your legacy is huge and you will always be remembered for the beautiful person you are.

P.S. And since I'm watching for the signs --- I'll see you soon.

If you had a good friend who was all ready to move forward on something, something they believed strongly in but were holding back out of fear or self-doubt, would you do something to help them get started?

Of course you would.

Most people love to see others succeed. It inspires them to move forward with ideas and dreams of their own. And it sparks courage -- have you ever given yourself the pep talk that goes like this "well if so-and-so can do it, then so can I"? Unfortunately, most times the pep talk is as far as we get before our own doubts, fears, anxieties or over thinking creep in and stop us dead in our tracks.

Go back to my original question and imagine that the good friend I asked about was actually YOU. Would your answer be the same? Would you do something to help yourself move forward? Or would you hold back and throw up roadblocks in order to keep yourself "safe" ?

Ah ha!  If helping a friend is easier than helping yourself....a reassessment is needed.

You have to be willing to do at least as much for yourself, if not MORE than you would do for a  good friend, to get moving in the direction of your dreams. Focusing outward, on others and helping them take risks but being unwilling to take your own means you are living vicariously through them. In essence you aren't believing in yourself. You are keeping yourself stuck in order to keep yourself safe from failing. This can eventually lead to dark feelings of self-doubt, anger, guilt, depression, and hopelessness as you watch others around you succeed -- sometimes even succeeding in areas that you also could excel at. The results of keeping ourselves "safe" can actually result in the outcome we fear most ---failure.

So why do we so easily get distracted by others, offering assistance to them via our supporting words or a new connection that will further their ideas, instead of focusing on our own ideas and dreams? Because in helping a friend, we have no ownership of the outcome. We don't have to worry about feeling any shame or stress if they fail, so we can be brave for our friends at no risk to ourselves.

What we really need to do is be brave for ourselves.

So start believing in YOU. Trust in YOU. Support YOURSELF.

I do not say this lightly and I know from experience that this is also not an easy thing for many people to do: you need to put yourself first. It is necessary for our own well being and for those who depend on us to put ourselves at the front of the line. I spent years assisting others, watching them achieve what I wanted to achieve, watching them take risks I was too scared to take....because I was afraid (deep inside) that I might fail. And if I failed, I feared I would come unglued. But I have learned that I wasn't giving myself enough credit. I am strong, I can overcome failure. I can survive it. In fact, it doesn't render me helpless -- it did the reverse, it made me stronger. I am still learning to undo the patterns I once developed to keep myself protected so that I can begin to live life fully and not just go safely through the motions.

I realize now that being stuck on safe made life an uphill battle for me. In essence it made life so much harder than it needed to be. Are you doing the same?

What is stopping you from moving forward?

Are you afraid of failing? Are you stuck in your comfort zone? Or are you listening to the negative people around you, the ones who discourage you because they are afraid of pursuing their own dreams?

Your time is now. Stop thinking about it. Lead by example and DO IT.

The square of ice over my heart melted last night, and made its way down my cheeks and out through my tears, in its place grew gratitude.

Letting go of expectations is freeing.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about the View From Here and while I was writing the post I grieved for what I thought I had lost; another chance at being the kind of mother (in this case grandmother) I wished I had been the first time around. Never ever imagining that a grandchild of mine would be born and not be a part of our daily lives, I made the mistake of looking at the situation selfishly and concluding that it sucked. I concentrated on all the negatives, what things I would be missing out on-- the "do over chance", the cuddles, the opportunities to spoil him--all ridiculously self-centered things. I worried that this child might someday think his biological grandparents didn't care about him. Those thoughts left me feeling sad, guilty and like the whole situation was a direct reflection of the type of parent I had been (or had not been) to my own son. It is very much a reversion to an old pattern of thinking that has ruled most of my life -- and it doesn't make me happy to admit I slipped backwards.

Proof that we are all human and even though we "know" better, it does not stop us from repeating our mistakes.

It took my grandson's incredibly gracious adoptive parents to show me that once again I was taking the glass half empty view. Instead of recognizing that my husband and I did well to raise a child who was able to make a hard decision in the best interest of his own child, I chose to focus on the things that didn't add up to what I'd once expected. What I failed to acknowledge was the awesome opportunity my grandson has to live the beautiful life he deserves. I realize now how fantastic it is that my grandson will be raised by a loving, beautiful, supportive young couple, who have been in essence just waiting for him.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend time with the couple that adopted my grand baby. As they shared a meal and traded stories (and laughter) with my own family, I was able to hold my grand baby against my heart and smell his beautiful baby smell while kissing his soft head. That snuggle I had once wished for.. became a reality, a moment I will never forget. I can already it see it being a happy place I will go when negativity tries to weasel its way back in.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

l see now that life has been preparing me for this life event for a while. Having an "almost daughter", whom I love with all my heart, I know what it feels like to love someone else's child as your own. DNA is clearly not the only requirement for being a parent.

A few years ago I would never of had the ability to understand that someone else could love my grandchild as much (or more even) than I could. And yet I have no doubt that they really do. He is theirs and he has not only their glorious love to grow up with, but the love of their extended family as well. How great is that! I know that they will make sure he knows we care and will send pictures and share the important milestones so that we feel a part of what is going on, without stepping on the toes of his real grandparents.

How silly of me not to have looked at the glass half full side of this experience to see that this adoption would end up bringing great joy and healing to another family. Where there was once a heaviness in my heart, there is now a bright light of love and thankfulness for the experience. 

And anyway I slice it, that is progress for me.

There is one thing I know for sure: no matter how hard or even how easy our lives have been so far, we all have "stuff" to deal with. Some of us might even fool ourselves into thinking we've dealt with our junk, but we all have more deep down inside. For me, dealing with my junk is a constant and daily practice, and I am one of the ones who believe I had an easy life. (Does it surprise anyone that this thought only serves to add more guilt to my personal load?)

The deep level of "stuff" is so much easier to continue to push further in and attempt to ignore, than to dig out isn't it? At one stage in my life, I did just that. I shoved it all down in, and focused outward, trying to control other things, and other people around me; instead of just dealing with it. I've come to realize that no one can be wholly and fully themselves unless they are willing to invest the time in their own healing. While I admire (even envy) those who deal at an earlier age than I did, I recognize that I am a late bloomer. It took me a while to be ready.

Way back to my high school days I was always thinking deep. I loved studying personalities and figuring out how/why people acted the way they did. But I thought that since my life was "easy" and safe, I didn't need to heal from anything. My interest always had an outward focus. Improving things. Moving situations and people forward. Being efficient. And somewhere in the not dealing with my version of a personal 'demon" --a critical inner voice which I fueled with doubt, worry and a ridiculous need for control-- I made the mistake of thinking that my value was determined by how much I added to the world around me. (aka how much I accomplished). At the worst of my running away from my inner "stuff" phase in life, I became a Type A Control Freak, so I am able to recognize the unhealthy signs when I see them in others. 

Someone recently asked me about the personal growth workshops I do. Who are they for? What do they do for you? I believe the question being asked was really  "Is this something I should consider doing?" or "Will it help me?"

And the answer to everyone asking is 'Yes', but only if you are ready --ready to face your inner demons, let go of things that are weighing you down, and ready to begin making some changes.  Some of them will be difficult and uncomfortable and require hard work and patience from your mean inner voice, but the good news is that you can start with a few easy steps.

Looking back I see that attending my first vision board workshop was a kind of springboard for me. I went into it not really knowing what it was all about, but knowing I was ready for something more. Although my think-too-much, plan-my-life-away-brain wanted all the answers at once, I trusted the process even though it didn't make much sense until almost 3 years later, it started me on my path to healing.

And it really kicked things into gear when I got out of my head and into my heart.

My inner voice, the one I ignored for nearly 35 years while I 'accomplished' myself to exhaustion, knew that what I really wanted all along was to live easier, happier and healthier.

Do you have stuff weighing you down, making your life heavier than it should be? Do you often feel like something is missing, or that something is "off", but  can't identify exactly what it is? Do you look at others and wish you were as happy or as free from worry as they seem to be? Do you appreciate yourself for your natural talents or are you always trying to make up for your shortcomings? Do you feel yourself making the same mistakes your mom did?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions...you are ready to begin some personal growth yourself. I understand that getting started is scary and it is easy to second guess the money and/or time commitment needed, but I can assure you that YOU are totally worth it, just as I was.

Need help getting started? That is what I am here for and why I do vision board workshops passion mining classes, and help others uncover their own natural talents. Still not sure? Then I suggest you talk to someone who looks happy (or happier than they used to) --- and see what got them started. Being happy from the inside out is definitely ALL it is cracked up to be.

Oh, and I like to think that being a late bloomer is better than never blooming at all!

Namaste--

Terri

...is not exactly what I expected it to be.

And for the record I'm not talking about the view shown here; that one is beautiful. I'm talking about the view from this place in my life, it isn't exactly what I once thought it would be.

Did you ever think about the kind of mother, grandmother, dad or grandpa you were going to be, long before it was actually time for it to happen? I did. I'm a thinker, a dreamer....I have always loved other people's kids -- I have infinite patience with them, so I once thought I would be a really good mom.

Only I wasn't. Oh, I kept my kids safe, clean, fed, and attempted to teach them what I thought they needed to know, but I missed a lot of live-in-the-moment opportunities. I think I knew it too, at the time, but I couldn't stop myself. The to do list in my head was way too long, the responsibility to achieve, to make myself useful too ingrained.

As a young mother I felt the guilt of knowing I wasn't taking enough time to enjoy my kids. I realize now I spent way too much time doing the unimportant things, like keeping my house clean, sending out Christmas cards, or doing what I thought I needed to do look like I was on top of it all. (Homemade cookies for the boys' birthday treats, handmade gifts for teachers, whatever it was I thought people expected of me). I felt shame when I lost my temper, or rushed through bedtime stories, or listened to my boys with only one ear while I was intently focused on accomplishing  <something>, anything to prove my worth and my value to others.

But I powered on through my life hoping to make up for my mistakes one day -- when I was a grandma I was going to be awesome. My biggest fear was  that my boys would move away and I wouldn't be able to see my grand kids often enough. I wanted that second chance to do it right.

I would do it all differently,  I would appreciate every moment, read the books slowly so I could savor every minute of the snuggly cuddle and relish every sloppy kiss. I vowed not to care about spills or messes, instead I planned to enjoy my grand kids' uniqueness and quirky personalities. I loved the thought that I could have f-u-n with them and not have to feel the weight of responsibility of trying to teach them all that they needed to know to succeed in life. 

I hoped that while I never really shined at mothering, grand mothering would be my thing. I could dote, spoil, play, enjoy ---on my time, and then send them back home when I needed to. I would be a great grandma.

I never dreamed I'd be a grandma who didn't even know her grandson. But this is where I learned someone had another plan for me.

Because I AM a grandma, but I've never met my grandson. My grand baby is just over three months old now. He doesn't know me. Or my family (yet) because he was given up for adoption. A difficult decision, but not mine to make. I am glad it wasn't up to me, it takes a lot of courage to let go and I am not sure I would have been able to make that selfless decision, which was in the best interest of the baby.

I hear he has loving parents; I pray they think he is the greatest thing ever. I'll bet he also has loving grandparents who take time to savor the little moments with him.

The ultimate irony, right? Never put off the present moment for some time in the future because it may never actually come. And if it does, it may not be what you anticipated. It just isn't the way I saw it all happening, without me in it.

This grandma won't be savoring any snuggles, cuddles, stories, or little moments any time soon. I will be lucky if I get to meet him at all.

If I needed proof that the control I clung to for most of my life was a big fat waste of time; this is it. It is a perfect reminder to enjoy what is right in front of you, when it is right in front of you. Or you may never get another chance.

I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, and the view from here is one I needed to experience, even if it sucks, even if I don't yet understand it. 

Despite my valiant efforts to do so, I have come to recognize that clarity cannot be forced.

While 2013 was a year of incredible personal growth for me, punctuated by several aha moments and many life changing lessons, I still find myself wishing I could see my future. I've always looked ahead, honestly for a long time I knew no other direction to look, and as much as I now attempt to live right here in the present moment, there is a part of me that wants to leap ahead.

Like yoga, learning to live in the moment and allowing life to happen is a practice that requires a concentrated effort. Apparently reformed control freaks like me don't give up our control easily, even if we know it is the healthy and right thing to do. As part of my attempt to focus in the present and not ruminate away all of life's joy and spontaneity by worrying about the future, I have embarked on a mission in 2014 to write my way to clarity.

I'm starting by sharing a life changing moment from 2013, one that forever has altered the way I interact with the world around me. I am a Highly Sensitive Person. 

One Defining Moment

While listening to Susan Cain's book Quiet, right after realizing that I am not the extrovert I always thought I was, I heard the term highly sensitive person for the first time. Some of the characteristics of an hsp Cain mentioned did resonate with me, but I was so focused on learning that I was an ambivert (not an extrovert), I promptly forgot all about it.  It wasn't until a few weeks later that I actually heard the term again and discovered there was a whole book written about the characteristics of a highly sensitive person. Turns out it fit my personality description a lot more than I originally thought. 

Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person and Barrie Jaeger's Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person are two books I will never stop referencing. They have changed my life and also allowed me to help others understand themselves better as well. Not to mention how important they have been in helping me come to terms with what I considered a huge failure of mine -- quitting my last job after only a year.

For those of you who think that being a Highly Sensitive Person means you cry all the time; think again. It can mean that you are very emotional, but in many cases it is really about how you process the world. While 80% of the people in the world process using a sense or two at a time, an hsp experiences life through all their senses, all the time, making us more susceptible to overload. HSP's generally share some common traits; we think too much, border on perfectionism and are super self -critical, yet we are also uniquely different from each other. All hsp's are not created equal, which makes this harder to pinpoint.

In a strange but awesome twist, it seems that 'like attracts like' in the case of being an hsp. Most people that I have made an instant and deep connection with previously in my life are now reappearing and testing as highly sensitive people; some who have surprised even me.  As I meet new people in my yoga classes and in other parts of my life, the majority of them are turning out to be highly sensitive, too.

The reason I am posting this on my blog today is twofold: one, if my writing resonates with you --you might be an hsp yourself--to be sure, take the test. And two, if you are struggling with any of the things I mentioned above, I want you to know that I can help you. There are a few important tips I have come across that ended the struggles I once had. As a holistic mind, body + spirit coach, it only makes sense I should focus on what I know, and that is how to navigate through life as an hsp. Maybe some of what I have experienced will help you learn to appreciate your unique self, make better decisions about your careers and lives, and help you do it faster than the 50 years it took me.

Not sure if you might be an hsp? See if any of these characteristics sound like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person* is:

• Better at spotting errors and avoiding mistakes
• Highly conscientious
• Able to concentrate deeply
• Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed and the detection of minor differences
• Often thinking about our own thinking
• Able to learn without being aware of what we have learned
• Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions
• Specialists in fine motor movements
• More"right brained" and less linear, more creative in their thinking

To be sure, I recommend you take the test and then check out the books. Even if you don't test as a highly sensitive person, the information uncovered can still be extremely valuable. Chances are someone you live with, love or work with, is an hsp. It would be to your benefit to understand how they are different from you. And if you are an hsp and need a coach who understands the unique way your brain works, and has experience with your specific challenges-- please shoot me an email or give me a call.

My plan is to share more of what I have learned about living life as an hsp in future blogposts, for clarity and all....

Namaste,

Terri

*Excerpted from p. 10 of Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person.

I have done away with new year's resolutions forever.

Instead of inspiring me throughout the year to be the best I can be, resolutions wind up bringing me down. The new year invokes an image of a clean slate, a do over, a chance to start fresh for me, but that also brings forth self-reflection. For years I have hauled out my list of New Year's Resolutions from the year prior and "judged" my own performance. Some years I have actually accomplished a couple of the resolutions on my list, but most years I just wind up feeling bad about what I didn't do instead of being happy about what I did. 

Last year I decided to try something new. Instead of creating a list of resolutions I was destined to fail, I chose three words to live by in 2013. Not sure how it would work, I also set a couple back up resolutions. After a year of incredible change and growth I cannot even remember the resolutions I set, but the words were part of my every day life. It was like having an automatic intention to live by.

As I look back on 2013 I realize how well this new approach worked for me. I am proud of my achievements instead of busting myself for what I didn't do and I am feeling positive. That in itself is a minor miracle --given that most of my life I have lived with a mean inner voice who isn't always quick to hand out compliments.

Whether you set resolutions at the beginning of each new year as a rule or not, the three words to live by is a tradition I encourage everyone to try. I used my three words from last year as a filter to weigh each new opportunity in 2013 against. That helped me rethink old commitments and assess new opportunities to make sure they aligned with my three words and the direction I wished to go. 

As I approached the end of this year I contemplated my new words, settled on three and then changed them right before writing this. They have to ring true -- and when you find the right ones, you will know.

My words for 2014 are: clarify, cultivate and savor.

Clarify and cultivate were chosen to remind me that my work is not done; I am still growing and changing, and as I do, I will need to refine (or clarify) often to make sure I am on the right track. Not one to stop and smell the roses as often as I should, choosing savor as my third word is a way to remind me continually that life is not just about accomplishing, it is also about enjoying and appreciating the little moments. Something I began in 2013 and plan to continue doing for the rest of my life.

In case you need some word ideas, here is a list. Do any of these speak to you? 

simplify, linger, thrive, create, appreciate, illuminate, flourish, shine, believe, spirit, affirm, seize, trust, succeed, savor, accomplish, prosper, expand, uplift, radiate, enlighten, astonish, revel, pleasure, relish, enjoy, ease, courage, devour, clarify, cultivate, surrender, spirit, balance, serenity, integrity, success, purpose, commitment, flexible, allow, energy, motivate, absorb, tranquility, peace, serenity, organize, visualize, anticipate, aware, awaken, faith, grace, shimmer, sizzle, dazzle, sparkle, enlighten, reach, trust, blossom, connect, experience, wisdom, strength, hope, joy, breathe, gratitude, grow, release, balance, brave, control, explore, express, finish, flow, find, nourish, heal, try, play, activate, healthy, nourish, slowdown, reflect, collaborate, celebrate, communicate

Ending the year on a positive note allows me to ring in the new year with hope in my heart. Hope that 2014 will be the best year ever, and that I will see forward motion in my loosely outlined plan to become the best version of me that I can be.

Cheers to a new year filled with unending love, light + peace.

If you knew your time left on earth was limited, would you change your current routine? If the answer to that question is yes then consider yourself warned; your time is limited. Everyone's is. Although I turned 51 a few months ago, some days I feel like I am still that kid in high school who was contemplating what she should write in answer to the question: What do you think your life will be like 10 years from now?

Back then ten years sounded like a lifetime away. It was hard to imagine specifics in my life -- I wasn't even positive which direction I would head as I went off to college. My truthful answer was that in ten years I hoped I'd be happily married to the man of my dreams, with kids and a house, & money in the bank. I don't think I wrote that because I felt the pressure to add more to it, like the plan for my career to ensure I was successful, independent and responsible. Trouble was I couldn't really see my future as anything specific, just the desire to be happy.

In my effort to get through college spending the least amount of money I could, I graduated with a degree in Journalism with a heavy emphasis on Marketing & Advertising. After graduation I sort of fell into a 30 year career based on connections I made via a temporary summer job. Marrying the man of my dreams, that took a little more work, although I recognized him almost immediately after walking into the lobby of my college dorm. Trouble was, he didn't reciprocate my feelings right away. In the end it all worked out. And so did me graduating early from college and him graduating one semester late---which put us college graduates at the same time, engaged 4 months later, then married one year later. Perfect.  We became home owners after one year of marriage and our first child came 12 years after I graduated from high school. I missed the mark on my original ten year plan by a little there. 

In retrospect I had accomplished all I had set out to achieve by the time I reached my mid forties. But all that planning and achieving left me unprepared to face what came next ---now that my "job" raising my kids was done, who was I? What did I want to do next? That is when I discovered what I really needed was to spend some time with myself, to tune into me. 

If you are my age or even over 40 you might be facing some of the same questions right now. What comes next for you? If you were to sit down and do the passion test with me, it will more than likely show a focus inward (mine started around age 45), which makes most people feel they are being selfish, when in truth they need the "me" time to recalculate.

At some point after all the accomplishing it is necessary to begin focusing inward and living life for you, not living life as you think others want you to. We were taught by the generation before us that we could and should be able to do it all. Problems come when we get away from our true selves and begin living the life we think we should, and not the life that would make us happiest.

It took me a long while to understand that now it is time to play the role of ME. The role I was born to play --before I got swept up in a life of accomplishment and achievement. It was hard for me to begin to know how to "play" me again when I had lost touch with my true self. Having spent a year + digging in, I understand what so many others now face. If you are also finding yourself out of touch and overwhelmed, please consider taking a personal growth class, hiring a life coach or attending a vision board workshop with a group of your friends to help get you started on the road to rediscovering the authentic you.

Maybe you, like me, will find that once you get through the crap you will find that you actually like yourself, maybe even always have. It all starts with rediscovering what makes you tick, learning to accept yourself just as you are, and using that knowledge to direct what comes next.