I learn something new everyday. A few months ago it was about the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. They are far from the same. I randomly watched a Ted Talk from Kristin Neff and it rang my bell. I’ve been on a long journey to find myself—nearly 15 years now—and apparently the one thing I am still missing is self-compassion. View her talk at https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4.

When I began the deep dive into figuring out who I really was, what made me happy, and what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had no compassion for anyone. I was an empty shell of a person, as over time I had let my power go in many small and big ways. What was left within was the sludge of shame, guilt and unworthiness I’d held close to continually remind me of how I never measured up.

Years of working on myself, digging deeper, trying holistic healing techniques, reading about other people’s journeys, and letting go of most of my wrongly held beliefs did bring me to a place of being able to offer compassion for others, but not yet for myself. I hold myself to a high standard, far higher than I would expect anyone else to achieve, and that is my roadblock to the fulfillment I seek.

These expectations keep me feeling like I am never enough, not good enough and not worthy of my dreams or my happiness. Is moving forward really as simple as giving myself grace? I’d tell you it is, and yet from my own experience still know how hard it is to do that. The good news is: with this knowledge I can begin right now to let go of the silent but deadly expectations I hold for myself to be perfect, and make room for grace.

I have realized as I journal out my daily thoughts, that no matter how hard I try, in the end I can only be me, and sometimes this means I will make mistakes and I will fail. As an imperfect being, I can only share the wisdom I’ve gained through my own life experiences thus far. This blog, renamed Terri’s Take, shares my perspective, and my unique view from where I am. I plan to share digestible pieces of wisdom as I continue to process and grow into my authentic self. I will never expect anyone else to see things exactly as I do, but if sharing my stories helps you move forward on your journey, I am honored to be a light on your path.

And in case you were wondering, along the way, I figured out who I wanted to be when I grew up: me.

I’m taking some online trainings which require more frequent meditation time. In the quiet moments I am called to write down words and messages, some call this automatic writing. I call it a really cool experience because most of the time I cannot even remember what I write, until I find it later in a journal. This is one of those messages I wrote a while back and now thought it was time to share.

Embrace the light in you for it is your unique footprint. No one will ever be just like you are, and for that you should celebrate. It is your unique combination of light and dark forces that creates your magnificence. Never dim your light to help others shine. It is only in your shining your light to its fullest that others will begin to see. It is your job to simply be yourself, to honor your needs, to lead by example. to share when asked, to step up to lead when needed, and to follow when you can. Do not try to figure out the end game, your responsibility is to live in the moment. Each one. Good or bad, stressful or peace filled. Just be. We hear your cries of despair when the answers are not clear, and we know then, you still have work to do.

Allow your life to unfold as it should, and you will know what is next. Do not leave your spiritual quest to be the best version of yourself, unattended, even in the busiest of times. There is always more work to be done, and more to learn, even and especially amidst the hectic times in life. Remember that everything is happening as it should. All will eventually be revealed to you, and you are not imagining the wonder you experience. You are able to do far more than you have already learned. You are assembling your tribe and setting the foundation for continued growth for all. Do not abandon your mission if things begin to roadblock your path—they are not there to stop you, but to redirect you to the proper path. Trust in the process and believe in yourself. There is no place for fear or doubt in the present moment.

My written thoughts after receiving this message via automatic writing in my meditation/quiet time.

I need the dark so I can remember how much I value the light, the sun, the color and shades in the brilliance of light. Life is meant to be lived in full color. Universe please remind me when I need to hear that I am enough. When I need to remember it is not my job to fix anyone else. Signal me when I let self-doubt put up roadblocks in the way of my dreams. Help me stop my innermost fears in their tracks, especially when it involves worrying what others might think of me. Help me find the strength to dig deep when my store of self-belief is getting low, or needs replenishing. Encourage me to go with the flow of life and stop wasting energy trying to plan it all out. Let me lead with love and the brightest light I can shine.

Universe please continue to remind me when my guilt slips into control, that I deserve happiness. Help me to stay connected to my goodness when when my patience wears thin. Help me to surrender to your perfect timing, even when I have doubts about that timing. Shore me up with courage to believe in the power of me. Remind me that no one can do it for me, and no one can show me my unique path and all I truly need is within me and around me.

I promise in return to continue to shine my light for others to see, even when it is uncomfortable or scary.

If this resonates with you, let me know. I’ll share more if it helps others on their path.

What is the acceptable title for the journey I am on? A title that won't have fervent members of the religious community throwing up protection by declaring that they are Christians...as if that is reason to back away from me.

I consider my transformation from stressed out, overachieving control freak, to peace-filled yoga instructor as one of personal growth, and have referred to it often as a dedicated effort to uncover the best possible version of me.

But someone just acknowledged my transition as a spiritual quest.

And yes, I do believe that fits.

I have spent too many years feeling as though I lacked an acceptable faith.

While I have never lacked a belief in God, or a relationship with Him, I struggled with thinking that because I never found an organized religion who's rules worked for me, my way was not "good enough".

I think I have gone over that mountain now-- I accept that what I believe is okay. Better than okay; it is perfect for me. Especially now that I feel good about it (and myself) from the inside.

I fully acknowledge that I am a student of spirit, and do not have all the answers, in fact I am on a quest for understanding....by definition a quest, is a search or pursuit made to find or obtain something. And as I grow in spirit and strength, I still feel the need as I have since I can remember -- to watch what I say, to choose my language carefully so that others do not judge me. I know I am not the only one.

Lately I have found more and more like-minded souls who share in the belief that we are all on our own journey and we must embrace what works for us, or we won't grow. Yet I wonder when I will have the courage to fully let go of what others think of me and my beliefs, and let my light shine bright.  To be able to finally stand tall in the face of judgment from those who consider my "woo woo" beliefs too different from their long held beliefs to be comfortable with me.

My whole life of growing up in GR has been like that when it comes to organized faith. If it wasn't "their way", it was wrong. I was wrong. Excluded. Not good enough.

I no longer believe that rules get you to God. Faith does. Believing in yourself first and then something greater than you does.

Don't judge; be curious. Don't compare; remain open. That is my plan.

No one has all the answers, and if they think they do, well that is another story entirely.

I'm on a spiritual quest. I am happier than I have ever been. I am more comfortable in my own skin than ever before. And I am confident those who truly love me right now, will love any changes I make in myself along the way.