Of course I really don’t know the secret of life, but I have learned the hard way we make life more difficult than it has to be. To me, the answers you seek come when you stop trying to be something or someone you are not, when you quit wishing or thinking you need to be different than you already are. Accepting who you are, just as you are, is the key to greater happiness.

I wish my formative years in school had taught me more about how to figure out who I was at my core, or showed me how to embrace and utilize the talents that made me unique, instead of instilling a feeling of lack in me because of my differences. For years I tried so hard to be like everyone else, only to find I didn’t even like the person I became. I wanted in that moment of realization to go back to the days of my youth, before I convinced myself I was not enough, to sit under my favorite tree and breathe, daydream, and just be happy in my own skin. It was in those early years and those quiet moments I recall not “trying” at anything, and in those times of just “being”, I was happy and I was enough.

After I started on my ridiculous quest to be “perfect”, the noisy voice in my head constantly told me I needed to do better. I was always striving, achieving, comparing, and judging myself against everyone I met. I kept myself busy “doing”, so the mean voice would have nothing to complain about. It didn’t stop her, and it became overwhelmingly exhausting to stay ahead of the inner reproach I heard. When I came across a person with great natural talent, I did not celebrate their talent with them as I should have, I worried that I did not possess the same. I judged myself and deemed myself lacking in every area. It went on so long I truly believed I had no natural talents at all, and considered myself a failure.

I wish I had been taught at a young age that talent comes in all shapes and sizes, that not everyone needs to like or be smart at math, to remember dates in history, or to know their geography. If I could gather up all the time I wasted trying to shore up my weaknesses and instead had focused it on what I did easily, what might be different for me today? Maybe I would have written that book by now. Why do we not show our little ones that natural talents can be things like inclusivity, empathy, creativity? My sensitivity is a natural talent; I understand that now. Being highly sensitive to your surroundings, to energy around you, knowing what people mean even if they aren’t speaking the words out loud, seeing the big picture, making connections quickly, having the ability to adjust things to make others feel comfortable, those are not things everyone is born able to do. I wish I would have accepted these as my natural talents a long time ago.

Certain talents are more outwardly recognized and appreciated, especially in work situations. But all talents deserve to be applauded and utilized. In my opinion a baker who creates unique creations without a recipe is just as talented as a robotics engineer. We all have our own innate abilities, and those are what make us unique beings. I believe everyone is their happiest when they are working from their strengths.

I guess what I am really saying is, the secret to happiness is within all of us. We all need to uncover, discover and utilize our own natural talents. The talents that lie deep within us need to be shared in order for us to shine. Life is not supposed to be lived continually swimming upstream, rather it should be doing what we do best, and flowing through life with happiness and ease.

I hope in leading by example I can illuminate this lesson to others; the power is within you. Are you ready to unlock your own secret of life, find your natural talents, and put them to use? The time is NOW.

Dearest Granddaughter:

Be fierce not fearful.

Be loyal to those who’ve earned your loyalty.

Laugh with abandon and love with your whole heart.

Dare to be different, it will give you strength in the years to come.

Make a plan but always be willing to veer off the path to check out a new view.

Stay in your truth and you will never have to live surrounded by shame or guilt.

Respect the opinions of others even if you do not see eye to eye.

Their view matters as much as yours.

No one is ever truly alone, even if it feels like you are.

Ask for help when you feel stuck, lost or broken.

The lowest places will lead to your greatest healing. And growth.

You will survive after coming undone.

On the grayest of days, make your own sunshine.

On the loneliest of days, be your own best friend.

On happy days, share that joy with others.

On sad days let the tears fall softly without regret.

Always shine your brightest, purest light with confidence.

Stay curious little one, and never let anyone tell you to stop asking so many questions.

It is how you will learn the best stuff.

And when you need good advice, always search out the trees.

The trees will never let you down.

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear..

Photo Credit: Jan Bonner

One of my words to live by for 2021 is radiate. It is my wish and my goal, to shine my brightest light as I honor and recognize those who have shined theirs, and inspired me along my journey back to myself.

In the past year, I have seen many people navigate this unfamiliar world with such grace and confidence, like they didn’t miss a beat when their world turned upside down overnight. Some have even said that about me and moving my classes online, which I appreciate, but know it wasn’t always true. Behind the scenes there was, and still is, a bit of stress when things do not go as planned, which let’s face it, is often.

In some ways I think we all wish for our world to return to “normal”, yet I fear it will never return to the way it was, and I am doing my best to feel thankful for that. I am attempting to worry less about the future and instead look back at the resolve and the resilience I showed in 2020, no matter what was thrown at me. What if we view this new world we find ourselves in as a positive, as an opportunity to change what isn’t working for us? What better time are we going to ever have to make the necessary (but hard) changes to break out of our old negative patterns and begin to feel the happiness each of us deserves?

It is a new world, with new possibilities and opportunities.

I believe that “normal” as we knew it won’t return for a long time, if ever, and I think that we have a choice in how we respond to this. It can leave us in a place where we feel “stuck” and waiting for a past that won’t return, or it could leave us embracing a new world with the attitude that flowing with what “is”, is the best thing we can do. Let’s use this new world as an opportunity to take back the reins of our lives and grow!

I recently held a workshop and experienced the reflections of many who embraced the changes and searched within to find the positives that came from their 2020. Either they recognized personal growth, released negatives (people, routines, habits) that were no longer serving them, or simply realized they needed to make some changes to attract more joy into their lives. I believe we all have a right to be happy, to thrive and be loved, to be appreciated for who we are without conditions, and to make a difference in our corner of the world. When we find life isn’t working for us, and recognize that we aren’t happy or thriving, and are swimming upstream to the point of exhaustion; we have a choice. We can stay with what isn’t working, stay “stuck” in the negative patterns, or we can surrender to what is and let our lives unfold with intention and awareness. I believe we need to give ourselves permission to make things right for ourselves, by feeling our way through the doors of opportunity we face, no matter how scary.

We have the knowledge and power within to do what is right for us.

It takes practice to learn what things are right for us. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade figuring out what fuels my soul, what I need to change to find the “happy for no reason” feeling inside, and how to remain calm on both the inside and the outside. The journey has been up and down, the changes have been huge, and the result was so worth the effort. I consider myself happy from the inside out now, and as a result when I did my end of the year check in, I found I was so on track I need to keep doing more of the same in 2021. That was a relief, as for many years it has been all about recognizing and implementing changes I needed to make in order to grow. Age has something to do with being comfortable in your own skin, but so does time spent letting go of judgment, comparison and expectation. There’s a bit of planning and control I had to ditch along the way, to allow my life to have more creative freedom, expression, spontaneity and play. While there is always a nagging feeling down deep in me that tells me I have “so much to do” and so little time, I keep my actual to do list as short as possible. This allows me to take care of my needs, to take breaks from accomplishing and to just enjoy the present moment and where it takes me. I am so grateful the majority of my personal growth work on letting go of control and perfectionism, was done before 2020 hit, because those adjustments allowed me to thrive in an uncertain time.

During this whole crazy deep dive into me, and then deep dive into 2020’s uncertainty, I have learned some things about myself. I believe if we look closely, we all will recognize 2020 has helped us bring to light our strengths and weaknesses. I now know what I need to be the best me, what I need to say no to, what I want more of, and what practices work to keep me calm and strong. The most important lesson might be, I no longer worry about what it looks like on the outside, or what others think of me. If I live as my best self, with no regrets and no shame, I can shine my brightest. light. This is what the world needs more of, everyone shining brightly.

It is never too late to free yourself from the “shoulds” and figure out who you really are. The collective world needs us all to shine in our own unique way. We don’t have to always agree, but we all do need to work towards being the best version of ourselves, to lead by example, to spread kindness, to remain open to other perspectives, and to live as our truest selves. If I can do it, so can you.

Namaste peeps.

My Three Words to Live By for 2021

When this covid thing all began on the evening of March 11, I suppose I thought at first it was overreaction. GVSU had just closed campus thereby cancelling my last two classes of the week and those in the near future. GR Parks and Rec was just ending a session, so we were on “break” in between sessions after my class the next morning. Our March 19 trip to Napa, our first real trip away together since Disney in 2000, had just been cancelled as flying and airports and being anywhere but home didn’t seem like a safe place to be. I was uneasy, but not panicked, and being a homebody at heart, was not afraid of being stuck “in”. At first my granddaughter was still there with me, as through the first phase of shut down my daughter was still working. It was chaotic trying to be a teacher, a grandma, a playmate, and to embrace technology to learn how I could still teach yoga and Groove to my people, but it was doable. I found myself up for the challenge.

Deep down I knew that continuing to teach, even if in a new way, and with a totally out-of-my-comfort-zone feeling, was going to be important to my sanity and well-being, and would hopefully provide some stability to those who were used to seeing me in class. I got busy filming a variety of home practices in the quiet times between my husband working on some major second floor home renovations and Nollie being at her own home. I learned how to navigate zoom, how to film yoga videos, and tried to learn how to teach a groove class so the sound of the music and the sound of my voice worked together. At a time when many were finding themselves idle, I was very busy, and mentally exhausted at the challenges of adapting to teaching via technology and without a room full of people.

Among all the chaos, the scrambling, and being out of my comfort zone, I also noticed something unfamiliar filling me up; a sense of pride. In the face of unease and worry I was learning new ways to thrive. I was doing something with my natural talents of teaching, and putting them to use in a new way. My goal was not to create the most perfect looking video, or sound meditation, or even groove dance class. My intention was to shine, and share with the world (or at least my corner of it) some sense of normalcy and positivity and to provide them a way to take a class with me even if we had to be separated by space and time. I have so many people to thank for their support as I navigated my way through. Every texted or emailed thank you, every comment on my You Tube channel or on my Facebook page about how much people needed and appreciated those practices, kept fueling me to continue, especially during the times when I was ready to give up.

Each night I laid in bed awake between the hours of 3-5 am (worry?), I circled back to the feeling of pride for being able to help in some way from the safety of my house, and by doing what I loved. In the end the covid situation uncovered a way for me to achieve something that had been on my vision board for several years; living & working from my cottage for 1/2 the year.

I have been spurred onward by so many people who stepped up since last March to help the collective good using their natural talents, by sewing masks, volunteering to feed the hungry, teaching kids with captivating content online, helping neighbors and family members get food and supplies, decorating sidewalks with their beautiful chalk artwork, etc. Whenever a sense of helplessness and worry tries to invade my inner space as we continue to navigate covid, I reach for that pride I felt when I showed up to share my talents, as scary as it was. I take great comfort in knowing I helped in small ways; helping people connect with their bodies and breath, or dancing with them to lift their spirits and keep them positive and peaceful by shining my brightest light.

As a new year approaches, it is my practice to spend time in reflection before choosing the Three Words that will shape my new year. As I bring to mind my words for 2020, Adventure, Unleash & Thrive, I realize they have served me well (though maybe not how I once envisioned them playing out). I really had an adventure-filled year. I unleashed some new talents and amidst chaos, I was able to thrive. I’ve actually found a new way of doing what I love.

In contemplating my words for 2021, I’ve landed on three that I feel will allow me to continue to flourish and shine my brightest light, while also helping me to zero in on and fulfill my purpose.

Radiate-to extend, spread, to project or glow with cheerfulness & joy

Kindle-to start or cause a fire to begin burning, to set fire to or ignite, to execute, stir up or get going, to light up, illuminate or make bright

Embrace-to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly; to avail oneself of, to encircle; surround; enclose.

Whether you set resolutions, goals or Three Words to Live By like I do, I hope you find a way to live your best life in 2021 and utilize all you learned about yourself in the last year. Cheers to a new year filled with possibilities.

Namaste, peeps.

I’m taking some online trainings which require more frequent meditation time. In the quiet moments I am called to write down words and messages, some call this automatic writing. I call it a really cool experience because most of the time I cannot even remember what I write, until I find it later in a journal. This is one of those messages I wrote a while back and now thought it was time to share.

Embrace the light in you for it is your unique footprint. No one will ever be just like you are, and for that you should celebrate. It is your unique combination of light and dark forces that creates your magnificence. Never dim your light to help others shine. It is only in your shining your light to its fullest that others will begin to see. It is your job to simply be yourself, to honor your needs, to lead by example. to share when asked, to step up to lead when needed, and to follow when you can. Do not try to figure out the end game, your responsibility is to live in the moment. Each one. Good or bad, stressful or peace filled. Just be. We hear your cries of despair when the answers are not clear, and we know then, you still have work to do.

Allow your life to unfold as it should, and you will know what is next. Do not leave your spiritual quest to be the best version of yourself, unattended, even in the busiest of times. There is always more work to be done, and more to learn, even and especially amidst the hectic times in life. Remember that everything is happening as it should. All will eventually be revealed to you, and you are not imagining the wonder you experience. You are able to do far more than you have already learned. You are assembling your tribe and setting the foundation for continued growth for all. Do not abandon your mission if things begin to roadblock your path—they are not there to stop you, but to redirect you to the proper path. Trust in the process and believe in yourself. There is no place for fear or doubt in the present moment.

My written thoughts after receiving this message via automatic writing in my meditation/quiet time.

I need the dark so I can remember how much I value the light, the sun, the color and shades in the brilliance of light. Life is meant to be lived in full color. Universe please remind me when I need to hear that I am enough. When I need to remember it is not my job to fix anyone else. Signal me when I let self-doubt put up roadblocks in the way of my dreams. Help me stop my innermost fears in their tracks, especially when it involves worrying what others might think of me. Help me find the strength to dig deep when my store of self-belief is getting low, or needs replenishing. Encourage me to go with the flow of life and stop wasting energy trying to plan it all out. Let me lead with love and the brightest light I can shine.

Universe please continue to remind me when my guilt slips into control, that I deserve happiness. Help me to stay connected to my goodness when when my patience wears thin. Help me to surrender to your perfect timing, even when I have doubts about that timing. Shore me up with courage to believe in the power of me. Remind me that no one can do it for me, and no one can show me my unique path and all I truly need is within me and around me.

I promise in return to continue to shine my light for others to see, even when it is uncomfortable or scary.

If this resonates with you, let me know. I’ll share more if it helps others on their path.

I believe in truth. And, I tell my story as often as I can in hopes that others will be inspired to make the life changes they need to live happier.

I made my own life change in 2013. It was then I stopped doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and started following my heart. So when I told someone last week I believed I had lived inauthentically for years, she sounded surprised and almost offended.

By inauthentic—do I mean I was a total fraud, did I lie and fake my way through life? No. But I did ignore the person I was at my core to be the person I thought I “should” be. I was the Terri who looked outside of herself to receive praise and affirmation my life and my person, were on track. I strived to do it better, make others happy, put on a good front, make a good impression, and to never let anyone down. But I did all this at the expense of denying my innermost need for less doing and more being.

For years I attempted to be perfect. The perfect wife, mother, hostess, worker bee, etc. I attempted to be above reproach. I pushed myself. I never sat still (except when laying in the sun). I kept very busy and organized. I organized things that were not my business to organize. (Like other people’s lives {sorry guys}). I tried to do the right things, say the right things, and never fail. I became so afraid to fail, I never tried anything I didn’t think I could do. My bubble of safety became so tight around me it threatened to choke me. By insulating myself from failure, I had inadvertently insulated myself from the joy in my life and as a result I became very unhappy.

I wanted to be perfect, beyond reproach because then, I mistakenly thought, I would be happy with myself.

I know I missed out on some of the best years of my life trying to be someone/something I was not. Trying to achieve the impossible brought me so far from happiness, I hit rock bottom.

Living authentically, to me, means being your true imperfect human self and letting your inner light shine without worrying what others think. It means not caring about what it looks like on the outside, not caring if what you believe is accepted by everyone else, letting go of judging and being judged, releasing the belief that everyone needed to like me. Living your truth.

No one is ever going to be perfect, you simply need to be good from the inside out.

I spent a lot of years trying to shine a spotlight on my worth so people would notice. I cared so much about what I looked like from the outside I gave away my own power. I let criticism and perceived slights and unhappy people derail and change me. Instead of slowing down to examine why I never felt good enough and why my mean voice was getting meaner, I expelled more energy trying to be better. It was like swimming upstream, against the current, and I became more negative than I like to admit. Operating from worry, anxiety, and stress affected everyone around me. One friday night my biggest fear came to fruition, I fell apart. In my mean voice’s opinion, I had failed at everything: life, parenting, being a good human.

My bubble of safety had cracked and the hot mess that was the real me was left exposed.

This splitting apart, this failing I had so feared, was really a gift. I began the journey back to my true self. It is an ongoing process that includes wrong turns and dead ends but I am learning to breathe again, to follow my heart and to build my worth from the inside. It is very much a practice, like the yoga I teach.

There has been progress, I no longer have a mean voice, instead she is an inner cheerleader and at my center I am quieter, and more peace filled. I am allowing my heart to lead me, my intuition to guide me and my life to unfold as it should. The reward is an authentically happier me.

As I sit in front of the computer and touch the keys I am reminded of how good it feels to write.

It has been far too long since I put any words out for the world to see. I have been quietly writing, but not sharing. When I am in turmoil, it is so much easier to share. When the world around me is in turmoil, and I am thriving, feeling happy and at ease, I hesitate to share.

By no means am I blind to what is happening all around me, the recent political wars, the angry language between friends, the division, the hate and the real threat of the virus which has shaped this crazy 2020 year. But it isn’t what I live and breathe and I have been doing my best not to tap into the collective negativity. If I did, I would be stuck and broken. Instead I am choosing to shift my perspective into the positive.

A while back I intentionally surrendered to all that is and asked the powers above to use me as a tool of love and positivity, and to make me a channel of light. I cannot fulfill that destiny if I myself am not calm, peace- filled and radiating light.

This past year started out with all the elements of greatness; adventure, growth, new understanding, and abundance. And on a dime, all that was routine was no more. I was thrown off for a bit, feeling a little uneasy, scared, and stressed, but it didn’t last that long. I started learning new ways of doing, of being, and my perspective began to change. After a bit, I was functioning from the positive again. Things I had always dreamed of, like living at my cottage, teaching from home, spending more time with my husband, just dropped into my lap. What seemed scary and unreal at the outset, turned into something I had always craved. I grow more and more introverted as I age, I love deep connections, but dislike crowds, so staying “in”, has really worked for me.

Using technology has become a way of daily life for me, something I approach with unease at times, but no longer see as the beast I once feared. I can do what I do easily, what I love, and what I believe I am meant to do — teach people how to tune into their bodies and inner wisdom, virtually, from my two havens (home & cottage). It was a surprise to realize my long time vision board wish came true in 2020, to live (and work) from my cottage for six months out of the year and have my husband with me.

While the world around me has changed significantly in the last year, in several ways mine remains relatively unchanged. I am a homebody by nature, rarely eat out, love quiet time to create art or walk with the trees, dislike shopping and am never bored. The one thing that has changed is my face to face time with people. Connection is important to me, my loved ones and friends and all my students are missed. Yet, I am staying connected as best I can and constantly sending out good vibes to all those who need them.

I am so blessed I know, and I am very fortunate. This Thanksgiving was different for sure, yet it gave me plenty of time to reflect on how much I am thankful for, how much life has changed for the better for me. It has been several years now, yet I still remember a november walk where I struggled to find anything to be grateful for. On paper my life was just as blessed as it is right now, but something was seriously off inside of me. I was in a dark place. The transformation started with one intentional step out of the darkness, a big life change, a leap of faith and a resolve to follow my heart.

I saw someone else’s post recently which said it was okay to “not feel grateful” this year, and not to beat yourself up with comparison and shoulds. Be where you are it said, and to a certain extent I agree with her statement. But I will add to it. Be where you are, but fight for your happiness, create the life you have always wanted. Make a change. Take a break. Step down. Step up. Shift your focus. Try something new. Whatever it takes. You are worth it.

If you find yourself struggling, ask for help. I know it is hard to be vulnerable and reach out, but the only way to realize you are not alone and you have support all around you, is to take the first step. I truly believe in everyone’s individual power to persevere and overcome. I have no doubt you have the inner courage to fight your way out of the darkness and into the light of positivity.

If you are shining bright in these uncertain times, keep radiating your light to show others the way. In my quest to be the best version of me, I wish to be a beacon of light, a champion for growth, and sometimes a helpful prod forward for others who need it. I intend to keep shining my brightest light in hopes it inspires others to find their way.

The Long Way Home

I stepped into my footprint

gently gathering up the

parts of me I had lost.

The times I cried,

The times I lied,

The times I tried.

Re-collecting the chunks of of

power I had lost to mean looks,

cruel words, expectations, and

teasing that shamed me to my

roots.

The first few steps were like

stepping through mud.

Each movement requiring great

effort, until I began to remember

what it felt like to be me.

When I didn’t care what others

thought.

When I didn’t feel the need to be

different. When life wasn’t so much

effort, or so darn hard to enjoy.

And my steps got lighter as I

gathered back the best parts of me,

collecting my magic.

One smile, one breath, one dance,

one laugh at a time.

Until the parts were all back

together. The good and the bad.

Glued together with gold and God.

Shedding tears of wonder and awe

as I slowly became whole again.

Emerging better than before,

my cracks filled with glue from

the Creator, made up of the

goodness that lives inside

each of us, in spite of our darkness.

My final footprint was flawed yet

perfectly representing me.

There is no longer fear in being my

full self. For I have learned I am

not too much.

I am enough.

Power restored.

Let life unfold.

Let love bloom.

I am home.

This is a photo from my one of my favorite places on earth, my family’s old cabin. I wrote this meditation thinking about this view and the many hours of peace it brought to me. I hope you find it soothing as well.

How quickly our corner of the world (and the whole world) changes in just a few days. Last week I was thinking about my trip to Napa, this week I am unemployed and housebound. The housebound part I like, the unemployed part is not the best feeling and yet I keep reminding myself that I am going to be okay. For me, like many, life as I am used to has definitely changed.

As I age, my introversion has taken the driver’s seat. I prefer to be home (or at the cottage). I do not like crowds of any kind, nor do I like to travel, but I was looking forward to my trip to CA. Homebody is a good way to describe how I am most comfortable, so this social isolation isn’t awful for me, nor is being in my home more.

As an hsp, routine is a comfort to me, and in this time where nearly everything is different than it was last week, I am feeling off- kilter. My empathetic nature is filling me with small bouts of worry I am not used to feeling as well. The combination leaves me feeling worn out, which is not a feeling I am used to. I am used to feeling body tiredness at the end of one of my long days of yoga and Groove instruction, but I am not used to this mental state of exhaustion. I’ve already bit through another over-the-counter mouth guard, my second in a matter of months, so I must be worrying it out at night in my dreams as well.

In a effort to connect (at least in spirit) with my students, and to soothe my need for routine, I quickly filmed some yoga practices and put them up on You Tube. I plan to do more and have ordered an ipad holder to help with the filming. I am not trying to be another famous online yoga instructor, goodness knows there are so many great ones out there, I just wanted to do what I do easily and share it in hopes it will help provide something familiar to my yogis.

If you want some sense of the familiar in your new routine, please feel free to go to my You Tube channel and subscribe if you want to see them all at your leisure, or I will post the ones I have done so far below. In no way does this replace the sense of community + connection I feel with my students in a face-to-face class, but maybe it will suffice for now.

In these uneasy and unpredictable times, I wish you great peace. We will get through this. We will be okay. This too shall pass. Let’s all embrace what we have, use the extra time to do what we love (or to figure out what fuels our soul if we are usually too busy to do that), keep our vibrations high, and our chakras cleared. I am here if you want to reach out. It is a perfect time to tune in, and goodness knows I LOVE helping people do that. I am happy to send you some worksheets, suggestions, or do an online zoom class together.

Tell me how I can help, or as I like to ask— what do you need today? My email is terrispaulding@gmail.com. Let’s connect.

Namaste, my lovelies. Stay strong and healthy.

Never be less of you to be more accepted, if you feel you need to do so, you are clearly in the wrong place.

I did this. For years. I tried to be accepted.  I thought if I was careful, and watched what I did or said, I would be more accepted. More liked. More respected. More loved even. In retrospect it actually did the opposite for me.

I tried to change the "me" I was meant to be and by doing so left the door wide open for my ego to have a heyday finding fault. Truth is a big deal. And giving my power to outside sources, left my inner self feeling downright bad.  

By trying to be less of myself I fed my ego ideas and allowed my mean inner voice to question and find fault with me all too often. That in turn spilled out from me into the world in the form of judgment and criticism. I call it the black and white world I was living in. In that world there is no room for compassion, even (or especially) for yourself.

With perfection as your expectation, nothing is ever good enough. You shift your natural positive focus to looking for what isn't right instead of appreciating all that is. You get critical and your life gets negative, real fast.

No one's life, no one's job, no one's marriage, no one's body, no one's situation is ever truly perfect. To think otherwise is just another way we believe the lies we tell ourselves and it is surely the path to ultimate unhappiness. To expect perfection in yourself, and/or the world around you only to know deep down it cannot happen only provides more fuel to support the false belief of perfection. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Deep down we all know that nothing is perfect, especially ourselves, and how good it looks from the outside has no bearing on what it truly is like on the inside.

Negativity is a hard habit to break free of if you are unwilling to do the scary work of tuning inward to see what needs to be changed from the inside out. The level of "safe"  you feel in your current situation is less scary than breaking free into the unknown, so people stay stuck.

Many are unable to let go of the control they cling to thinking it is what saves them, what keeps them sane-- instead of seeing control is the exact thing that weighs them down. Being willing to question that which you have been taught is a sign of taking the first steps toward tuning in. Letting go of the lies that no longer serve you leaves room for you to begin to see things as they really are.

I remember nearly every time in my life someone said I was "too" something. Too intense, too overwhelming, too curious, too sensitive, I even heard that I had too much energy---what I realize now is that their statement was about them. They couldn't handle all of me. And so instead of trying to change me to fit in, I should have just moved on to find someone else who could. Lesson learned.

And as I learn more and more about what being an hsp (or a highly aware person) really means, I realize that I allowed these comments, along with my own critical inner voice, to pull me further away from my true self. I carried an inner burden covered up with self confidence about not being good enough-- I tried to tone myself down thinking that would allow me to fit in.

It only further served to isolate my inner higher self from my everyday self. And despite being surrounded by a great life, it became really hard to appreciate it. Simply because I no longer appreciated myself. I gave up my personal power. I lost faith in me. It is very easy to do. As a mother, I tried to snuff out every bit of individuality my sons had, so they too would "fit in". To avoid the pain I felt at not, I took on the role of smoothing the road for them. I see now how wrong it was to interfere with their journey instead of working on myself and leading by example.

Most highly aware people share a common trait, we dislike being surface. We think time spent on small talk is wasted time. We often wear our feelings on our face and stink at pretending. And in the long run, if we don't feel we are being truthful or fully ourselves, it ends up creating a war within.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are not able to fully be yourself, you may need to change things up. Love relationships, jobs, friendships, volunteer opportunities won't last if you are holding yourself back to fit in. A good friend describes this as "dumbing" yourself down to make the others around you feel safer. It isn't healthy and it isn't necessary.

Even if you really love someone, it may be in everyone's best interest to let it go. There is a chance that you have outgrown them and to continue to stay in the relationship if they aren't willing to grow with you, will inevitably lead you to an unhappy, unhealthy place.

Change is inevitable. Growth is the goal.

If you cannot freely change and grow, you are only going through the motions of life and missing out on all that there is to experience.

If you feel stuck, take a good look around you. Does someone or something want you to stay there?

Dear Girl in the Front Row:

Stop trying so hard. Really. It’s okay, in fact it is more than okay to do it your way.

You are the only one who cares that you aren’t 100% doing this pose. Most everyone else in class is doing what they are supposed to be doing and concentrating on their own practice, tuning into their own body. No one is looking at you.

I see you forgetting to breathe attempting to hold the pose longer, I saw the look of disgust you gave yourself when you looked toward the mirror just now, and I feel the frustration radiating off you because you are not standing as straight in tree pose as you think you should. Trying harder, pushing yourself is not what yoga is about. Instead listen to your body and choose an easier level. Honor your body’s needs.

You aren’t listening to your back, hips, or shoulders right now, are you? They aren’t just feeling “tight”, they are screaming stop. Help me. End this agony and take me to child’s pose. How do I know? I was you. For a long, long time.

And every now and then, I still try too hard.

For the record, neither “perfect” or “flexy-bendy” are ever going to be words used in describing my practice. And I am mostly okay with that.

But sometimes I get caught up in my old way of perfectionistic thinking, and I push myself a little harder. I suppose I feel like I am slacking if I don’t. And that bothers me to the max because I not only tell my students it is okay to honor their bodies, I really believe it is best for them to do that. It is best for me to do that as well, to feel the pose from the inside, and not worry about what it looks like from the outside.

I became a yoga instructor not because I am flexible, or a yoga geek, or even that I am good at it. I am a yoga instructor because I love to teach. And I especially love to teach something that I completely believe in. I understand what yoga can do for someone who lives in a tight body. I know the power of yoga to change lives. It sure changed mine. I would say that yoga was a big part of what reconnected me to my true self, the one I had lost under the heavy weight of trying to be perfect, to be more than I was. Of trying to be like everyone else.

I know I found the answers I was looking for when I opened up to life as it was, instead of resisting it, or expecting it to be more. I now 100% believe in the power of doing what feels right to you.

When I look around the room and see my students making unique pose choices to honor their bodies, or their present physical, mental or emotional situation, I am so proud. It tells me that they are listening, honoring and feel empowered to do what feels good to them, rather than just following mindlessly along. One of my favorite yoga instructors said the most advanced student in the room was the one doing child’s pose when they needed it.

Don’t try to be like anyone else in class. Just be you. Do what feels good to your unique body. Always.

I am not just spewing some cute yoga jargon when I tell you that honoring your body is the highest form of appreciation for your body, it is to me the heart of what a yoga practice can do for you. What better way to find your power from within, than by taking the time to tune in and pay attention to your awesome body. To breathe fully and deeply and sit in the silence of your innermost thoughts to really hear yourself. I know of no better way to grow and understand yourself than from the inside out.

Honor your uniqueness, and never try to look like someone else in class. Do only what feels right, and challenge yourself for all the right reasons, when you are ready for a challenge, and not because you are striving for some kind of an ideal.

I went to a workshop yesterday. I am usually the one who leads them. Whenever I participate in one I remind myself that I am not in charge. In fact, my friends might even say that I am unusually quiet when I attend one now. That is 100% on purpose. I have been chastised for hijacking someone else’s workshop before.

When I signed up for the workshop, somehow I “knew” the workshop would help me move forward, whether I spoke up at it or not. I knew I needed to go in with an open mind and heart, without any expectations, and it would be exactly what I needed.

I managed to do that. And the experience was very healing for me.

I have cried many tears over the years in my transformation back to the me I once was; ugly tears, easy tears, snotty tears, and quiet tears of release. I didn’t think there were any tears left in me.

Clearly I was wrong. There were more.

It was the question: What were you told when you were little, that wasn’t true? That is the question that got me. Right smack in the solar plexus.

Once someone who loved me very much told me in her own quiet way that I was too much. That I shouldn’t let on to the world all I knew. People wouldn’t understand. People would look at me funny. In essence, I was asked to stop being me, and little me didn’t really understand why. I thought I had done something wrong, when all I really had done was spoken the truth as I had understood it.

From then on I began trying to be “perfect” (d) to make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible. I think I was maybe 4. Being perfect to me meant following the rules, being beyond reproach, making adults happy, and it was the start of me looking outside of myself for validation that I was ok.

When we are little we speak truth because it is all we know. We have yet to figure out there are subtleties to truth, shades of truth. Back then I had no idea people would judge me if I used the talents I had been given without restraint. But once I learned it meant disapproval from the adults I loved, I became afraid of disappointing them and tried even harder to fit in, to be like everyone else. Fearful I knew too much, saw too much, understood too much, my inner voice began to censure me, to judge me, to criticize me, to change me. And it was then I lost my power.

After yesterday’s workshop and the journey Rachel took us on, my power has been restored. From this day forward I am going to unleash my power and utilize all that I was given. I am no longer a “little” now. I am older and wiser , and I understand tact, boundaries, and how to stay quiet when it is appropriate and how to speak my truth when required. I promised my little self I will not stop being “me” for any reason, ever again. She will be able to be her full self. I will speak my truth and I will help others (whether they are little or big) to do the same.

Power restored.

Bring on 2020. I am so ready!

Remember to follow the path that feels right to you, not the path others wish you to take.

We want your days to be filled with awe and a deep sense of contentment in what you are doing. We want your “work” and life’s mission to be effortless and exciting, and gratifying at the same time. When you are on the right path things will feel easy and everything will fall into place, even if it isn’t the way you envisioned it to happen.

Effortless doesn’t mean it can’t challenge you, it simply means you need to work from your strengths and do what you do easily. Do not rush into things simply because opportunities present themselves to you, feel your way through it. If it begins to feel like you are swimming upstream, or applying too much effort to make something happen, it is a sign. Yet also remember if new opportunities present themselves before you “think” you are fully ready, be willing to accept the challenge as we (the universe) have a way of knowing what is best.

Support is always around you, and will guide you without taking away your freedom of choice. So, choose wisely and with all your senses open and aware.

Let go the need to know the path before you begin walking it, and trust you will find your true way. Not everything in your life has to be mapped out and pre-determined for it to be successful.

Your natural ability and your all knowing intuition, combined with life’s learned wisdom and your unique vision, will lead you where you are supposed to go.

Take the adventure and have fun knowing the best possible outcome is you will thrive.

I am sharing in case someone else needs to hear this.

I love the end of a year. It is the perfect time to reflect and to dream about what I want for the new year ahead. I no longer make New Year’s resolutions because they are too easy for me to fall short on. Instead, I believe in choosing Three Words to Live By to shape the coming year. With a blank slate and 365 days ahead, the possibilities are endless.

Reflection —2019 was filled with happy times and fun experiences, yet my three words did not bring about the productive year I thought they would. As 2018 came to a close I convinced myself life was too easy and I needed to make some forward progress on the book I have always dreamed I would write. Yet every time I meditated and asked for direction and focus, I “heard” that I needed to give up having a plan and let it happen naturally. Not only was no forward progress made, I barely wrote anything at all. I was stopped by my self-imposed roadblock of needing to know exactly where my writing was headed.

My words for 2019 were: Connection, Direction and Focus.

I resisted the instructions to stop trying to make a plan and continued to ask questions and ponder ideas. About halfway through the year I recognized my need to know was hindering not only my progress, but my life. After I let it go, I began to enjoy what life gave to me and the word connection became my most impactful word for the year. I finally connected with the joy I derive from helping others feel better in their bodies through leading yoga and GROOVE dance. Instead of focusing on what I thought I should be doing, I enjoyed my time with what was right in front of me, and loved every minute of it.

Looking Ahead — I want to continue this unplanned way of life into 2020. While it is scary for me to move forward without a plan, I am filled with confidence this is how it is supposed to be and I am open to what comes. I am ready to utilize my abilities and unleash my power; I am ready to thrive.

The life I see myself living in 2020 is filled with magic and wonder. It is simple, free, fun, relaxed, creative, curious, positive, and abundant. As I allow it to unfold naturally, I will fill it with writing (for no reason), creative expression, and take every opportunity given to share kindness and love and encourage healing. I will fuel my life with joy and awe, allow my intuition (and forces greater than me) to guide me through it with no regrets. I will stay present to enjoy it and promise to utilize (fully) the talents and gifts I have been given. These ingredients will create a life I do not need a vacation from, and will help me blossom into the best and happiest version of myself.

My Three Words for 2020 are: Adventure, Unleash and Thrive

Definitions:

Adventure: An exciting or unusual experience; participation in exciting undertakings or enterprise; to take a chance, a dare; to take the risk involved; to venture.

Unleash: to abandon control of; to release from restraint; to set loose to pursue or run at will

Thrive: to prosper, be fortunate or successful; to grow or develop vigorously; flourish (After making my selection, I realized I chose this one in 2017 as well).

What words will you choose to shape your 2020? Please share them with me.

Namaste,

Terri

2013 -- Simplify, Linger, Appreciate

2014 -- Clarify, Cultivate, Savor

2015 -- Freedom, Growth, Joy

2016 -- Express, Embrace, Create

2017 -- Illuminate, Trust, Thrive

2018—Foster, Expand, Dare

2019—Connection, Direction, Focus

Taking advantage of this snowy stretch in Michigan to record a half hour gentle yoga stretch class. It’s not perfect, but it should do for those of you asking for some home practice options!

When do you feel most alive?

It seems crazy to me that we have to think so hard about what makes us vibrate with positive energy, and yet until I took the time to focus inward and become aware, I didn’t have an answer to this.

I know from experience it is possible not to know. In my case I was always looking ahead and had lost my ability to connect to the present moment, and with it, my ability to discern when my mind, body + spirit needed rejuvenating.

Along the way my answer to the question has changed as I have grown. I used to think that helping others energized me, and it still does get me fired up at times, but I also recognize it can drain me if the person I am helping isn't ready to make real changes. If someone isn't ready, no amount of “helping” in the world can create forward motion. And when a person relies on a outside situation like helping someone else move forward to energize them, they are giving away their power to that outward focus. That is what I was doing. And it meant I was on a roller coaster. The kind of alive I am asking about in my original question needs to come from inside you, not conditional to a person or a situation outside of you.

So, when do I feel optimum, whole, balanced, and buzzing with intention?

I feel most alive when I have spent time in nature. Walking or sitting in the forest is my favorite, with my beloved trees.

How did I forget how important time outside was for me? I knew this as a kid. I spent endless hours of alone time in the woods daydreaming in the shade, searching for rocks in the tree-lined river, netting turtles out of the tree rimmed pond, walking the tree filled paths around our family cabin, or cross country skiing through the snow covered woods. I let my grown up life and responsibilities push aside my need for connection with the earth.

Yet a few years back even as I began to recognize my need to spend more time outside, I began walking with someone else, or I wore headphones and listened to music. Not exactly the best way for me to be present to the experience of being outside. Headphones silenced the sounds of the "now", giving me way too much time in my little bubble to overthink and talking with someone while walking isn’t very mindful either. 

What I needed was to tune into the sounds of the world around me, not to continue to tune them out. Noticing things like the breeze rustling through the top of the trees, hearing the birds chattering to each other from nearby branches or the scurrying of little feet in the forest, are what bring me back to the present moment. The sun on my face, wind in my hair, and quiet time with the trees grounds me, balances me and rejuvenates me.

I encourage you to find your own personal fountain of youth by tuning into what makes you feel more alive. Maybe next time your energy is low or leaking,  you should try taking a walk in nature and see if my solution works for you? If not, figure out what your own personal recipe to rejuvenation is. Once you uncover what fuels you make it a priority to do more of it!

Which one word from the list below best captures the way you feel about your life right now?

Fill in the blank: I am ________________.

Striving

Trusting

Battling

Searching

Praying

Straying

Glowing

Growing

Existing

Thriving

Did you find a word? How difficult was it to select only one word?

Today I would say my word is trusting. Yet, if I put myself back in time to a year ago, or even five years ago when I first wrote the post below, I would not have chosen the same word I picked today. I am happy about that because it tells me that I am making progress in my transformation. I am no longer stuck. For many years during my deep dive into personal growth I continually felt like I was stuck on “searching”.

Years of searching for the missing piece sounds exhausting, and it was. Mistakenly I was always looking ahead for something, anything that was going to be the answer to my happiness.

I wanted change. I wanted more meaning in my life. I wanted to be appreciated in the workplace. I wanted to stop thinking so much. I wanted to sleep like a rock, to experience big joy, to appreciate what I had, to live in the present moment and make impulsive, unplanned decisions.

So I searched and searched, I wrote, I read, I observed and as I kept my eyes on the far off horizon where I was sure the solution was hiding, I missed the life that was happening right in front of me.

I moved further and further away from myself, focusing outward instead of addressing what I needed to most --- the innermost me. A wise person once told me that I could not expect to see healing in those around me, unless I healed myself first.

Me, heal? That would mean admitting I had something to heal from…. a scary and daunting admission.

The answer to everything I wanted was inside me all along and it took me coming undone, me having a “breakdown” of sorts in order to begin to face my biggest fear: Me.

As I write this journal entry I believe I am thriving. I’ve done the hard work. I’ve seen the darkest there is inside of me and faced it head on. She doesn’t scare me anymore. I kind of I won’t let that dark side of me get so big ever again.

For a long time fear held me back from thriving. Fear of what you may be wondering?

Fear of everything. Failure, success, change, embarrassment, fear of not liking myself, fear of everyone else not liking me, fear of losing control, fear that I might lose control and never be able to piece myself back together again. I was afraid because for too many years I had remained in safe mode.

And yet, I lost it anyway-- no matter how hard I tried to stay protected, in the end I still cracked wide open. Some would say I failed, I say I finally opened myself up to begin to thrive.

Interestingly enough, you can’t begin to thrive if you stay safe (and stuck) and protected in your little bubble. You have to take chances and move out of your comfort zone, be willing to take a risk or two, and feel a little out of control in order to truly grow.

The definition of Thrive is:

1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.

2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish

Thriving = being brave enough to face your fears, confident enough to let others see you fail, open to growth in any direction, and prepared to succeed.

I love finding old journal entries that speak to me and record my growth. At this very moment the word I would choose is trusting. And I am. Trusting myself and my talents, trusting the universe to support and guide me, and trusting that only I know the way for me.

Ever feel the need to shake your life up and rearrange the pieces?

A few years ago I was lost.

My life wasn't going the way I had always thought it would. I was at the age I once thought of as "old" and I had always assumed that wisdom and contentment came with that big number. Being accomplished, settled and happy came along as well, or so I thought.

 But I wasn't any of those things, except happy in my marriage. My well organized life lacked purpose and deeper meaning and weirdly enough instead of feeling wise with age, I felt like a naive 17 year old.

My confusion permeated everything. My job. My relationship with my kids. How I felt about myself. And wondering what my real life's purpose was weighed heavy on my heart and my mind. At that time my oldest had just left for college and I was reeling with the change it brought to my identity. Who was I if not busy mom anymore?

I started making some small changes to get out of my slump, distancing myself from things I had always done and rethinking ways of being that were ingrained in me. It worked for a while. On the surface I was more alive, but deep down I still wondered why everyone else seemed so happy and questioned why I was not.

I really dislike feeling stuck.

I wished for my life to feel right from the inside instead of always worrying about how it looked from the outside. I made a bold move and tried shaking things up by changing jobs and leaving the one I had held for nearly 24 years. It proved to be all things a highly sensitive person should not do---and halfway through my first year I was both mentally and physically exhausted, and very negative.

What helped me out of my slump the most was to begin writing again. Which after years of NOT writing anything, felt great even if the writing wasn't. It was an outlet to share my truth and I wrote it solely for me. But others read it and let me know that it resonated with them.

So it did give me some clarity, but it also led to more confusion. And when I am confused or unable to grasp something, I ask more questions. Then if I don't understand after the answers, I get frustrated (patience was never my virtue) and then overwhelm sets in and I give up.  That leads to some serious negativity.

My mean voice found the fuel she needed to take over and paralyze me with the fear of doing it wrong.  I became so afraid of doing anything wrong that I just stayed safe and coasted along -- alternately controlling things, and then getting exasperated when they didn't work out the way I envisioned and then giving up. But never growing forward.

Staying safe I now realize, is another name for staying stuck. No forward movement = frozen, stagnant, trapped. My biggest fear.

I didn't yet understand that the power was within me to change my life. One baby step at a time. The only way to get unstuck is to move forward, a step at a time -- don't try to solve everything in one move, just begin making the necessary changes to open up doors.

I read the book entitled Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and it made me see that what I feared most was moving out of my comfort zone and not being able to handle it. The whole book can be summed up like this: What is the worst thing you can imagine, now if that happens, can you handle it? Then, if you can handle that, you can handle anything.

Too easy? Not really. Thinking in that way made me see that it is okay to fail. To try again. To fall flat. The world does not end. Just because I fail does not mean that I am a failure--my mean voice had me so tricked into thinking it meant exactly that!

Stop looking outside yourself to make the changes you need to make from within. Stop giving away your power to others: bosses, friends, situations, history, or the mean voice in your head.

Take a step forward. Shake it up. Create a kerfluffle*.

You may find that is exactly what your spirit needs to find the sunny side of the street.

*Kerfluffle—Verb: To rile up, confuse, or anger a cat (especially kittens) into fluffing up.  (Urban Dictionary)