Posts tagged authenticity
Be Who You Are; It is Enough

Lately I’ve been contemplating how we see ourselves versus how others view us, and wondering how well they align?

In the past I have compared myself to others, in one might say an unflatteringly critical way. Over the last several years of learning who I am, and learning to practice more self-compassion, I think today’s assessment of myself is both accurate and honest. Let me try to paint a picture of myself with the words I would use to describe myself: homebody, creative, kind, efficient, intuitive, sensitive, balanced, curious, free.

If I asked you to choose the words that define you, do you instantly know what ones you would choose? I realize we are always evolving, changing and growing into our best and truest selves, and the descriptors can change based on what phase of life we are in. Yet, I also believe, we can spend the time and effort to dig down to our authentic self and the words we find there will describe our truest self at any age.

After my assessment of myself, I asked some close family members to choose words that describe me and they said: outgoing, fun, caring, inquisitive, detailed, social, and hot bitch (well, I think that was just my brother-in-law teasing me).

It was interesting to note I see myself as much more introverted than I used to be, and than they do. Outgoing is not a word I would select to describe myself, especially since I stopped trying to be a people pleaser. I am not shy, nor was I ever, but I also am not outgoing in an I want to be the center of attention way. If I had to narrow it down to three words that describe me best, I would choose: curious, intutitive, homebody. I like to think that I am also very much in balance, which is not to say I don’t teeter totter in either direction of the spectrum sometimes, but overall I would say I am most myself when I am in balance.

Lest you think the word homebody is a descriptor to be used in a derogatory way, here is the definition. A homebody is a person who enjoys being at home and doing activities that center around the home. While homebodies do go out with friends and travel, their preference is staying at home, often alone or with close family. That preference part is important. A homebody chooses to stay at home, or in my case I prefer to be in one of my safe places; my home, my cottage, my sister’s cottage, my old family cabin, out in the sun, out in nature, with the trees (anywhere) or near water.

Sometimes homebody is applied to people with a mental illness, like agoraphobia, or a physical disability that keeps them at home, but that would be an inaccurate use of the word. If a disability keeps someone at home most of the time when they’d rather be traveling the world, for example, they are not a homebody.

I have come to realize I prefer to experience, appreciate and enjoy life very simply. From the comfort of my safe spaces. Despite years of feeling pressure from well meaning friends and family to be different than I am, to travel, to go out to eat, to attend concerts or birthday parties; I have learned I operate best when I honor my need to stay close to home.

There is no shame in being who you are. Homebody or world traveler, life goes by really fast; make sure you live it your way.

On Becoming My Truest Self

Once I gave up the notion of happiness as a goal I needed to achieve, it was easier to find it.

I had, until my 50th year, resisted the natural flow of life and tried to chart my own course. I always had a plan. I always knew where I was going. I believed I had control.

Until I got where I was supposed to go and didn’t want to be there.

The years in-between then and now (just over 10 by the calendar), I have spent unlearning all my bad habits. While I still feel more comfortable with a loose plan, my life no longer revolves around making sure everything goes according to it. Things are a lot less structured and those once concrete goals I had, are better defined now as dreams.

Calling them dreams seems less daunting than setting goals, and I don’t feel the pressure to have to get them done. I never want to return to a life with a to do list that stretches a mile long. Since I crave freedom, I’ve taken to the practice of writing down one or two things that have to get done each day. And then I figure the rest will present itself as a top priorities on another day if they really need to get done.

When the voice inside of me tries to compare me to others, or to compare me to a younger version of me, I must gently quiet her. Today, this moment, is the only day I have that is guaranteed so, I need to live it. If I want french fries, a glass of wine, a nap, or to binge watch something on tv, I need to give myself permission. If it makes me happy and harms no one, I deserve it.

I used to stress about my material possessions, not wrecking my good towels, keeping my furniture in great condition, or keeping my nice clothes “nice”. Now I buy most of my clothes at goodwill and consider the scratches on my tables signs that life happened while seated around it. Scratches like scars, show a life well-lived.

I now trust that the Universe, God, has a plan for me and my job is not to know what it is, but to live as my true self and watch it all unfold.

When I feel myself grasping for a sense of control, I breathe deeply and remind myself that my job is simply to be happy. To be aware and open. To love fully without conditions, to trust all will be provided when I need it (including understanding) and to have the courage to be my full self without fear that others will turn away. And to accept that if they do, it is also okay. Not everyone is in my life to stay.

When things inevitably get tough, I pause to look at the situation from all sides, feel my way into my emotions, find the positives and uncover the lessons within the struggle. And then I peer a little deeper into it and ask if this lesson has been brought to my attention before. Am I repeating lessons? Am I being challenged? Have I learned the lesson yet and can I now let it go?

An underlying unease about not getting my fair share in life used to reside within me but has been replaced with the comforting thought there is enough for all. Scarcity is not an issue. The right people will be attracted to me, and I will be attracted to the right people. I will make the right decisions at the right times and do not need to ruminate on what if I had chosen differently.

All is well. All is happening as it should.

I have seen what happens when I cling to the wrong people or try to control situations or attempt to have all the answers. Some things aren’t supposed to be completely understood; just observed, acknowledged, and let go.

I let go my need for control and embrace life in all the little and big moments.

Instead of following a detailed life plan, I now have only one goal and that is to grow into the best human I can be.

I want to spread kindness and empower others to live life as their true selves.

I wish to lead by example, never asking others to do what I have not yet done or tried.

When I leave this life, I want to be proud of the person I was. It used to be that I looked outside myself for the affirmation that I was a good person, but I have since learned the kind of affirmation I really need is from within. Quieting my mean voice has given me so much more open space in my head to learn new things, explore the unknowns, and accept myself.

I appreciate each moment.

Each connection.

My eyes are wide open for the next lesson, not the next step.

Taking My Last Mask Off
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I realize that learning is a constant process, and I’m thankful for the lessons I learn every day.

I have a goal in my life and that is to live the rest of it being fully myself, without regret or holding back who I truly am. My hope is that by being fully myself, and sitting in my power, I will inspire others to do the same.

I have only been partially open about my spiritual journey for the last few years. I have shared my energy work, my personal coaching, my writings, and to some, my interest in all things seen & unseen (paranormal/metaphysical). But I haven’t taken off the last mask. I have been afraid to be vulnerable, but the time has come to rip off the band aid and own my true self.

I have devoted the last ten years of my life learning to be the best and most authentic version of myself. I am, and always will be, a work-in-progress. It doesn’t matter how much work on ourselves we do, there will always be more, and for me that is a relief. To me that means there is no end goal, no way to get it right (or wrong) and no finish line; there is only a continual wish to do my best and be my best. This notion allows me to give myself grace when I digress, fail, or hit a rough patch, and it gives me courage to keep learning my lessons.

On my website I “label” myself as a light worker*. I believe we all are made up of darkness, and light. The light is our God spark, our natural and pure goodness, and we have the power to choose to grow our light, or to live in the dark. I have accepted and confronted my own darkness, and will continue to intentionally grow my light. Does that mean I am beyond reproach, or always do the right thing? Heavens no, remember we are all a work in progress. I will do my absolute best to radiate my light within, by walking my talk, meaning what I say, and leading by example. I will give the world the best I have.

Over the last few years I have shared my belief that our true power lies within all of us. Our spark/connection to the divine (whatever higher power you believe in) is within us and ready to be accessed at all times. This means we have all the answers inside us, yet we aren’t always able to find them. Often we look outside of ourselves when we are feeling stuck, or at a crossroads, instead of clearing a path to hear our inner voice. This is where I feel my true talent is: truth telling to help people get unstuck.

Everyone is on their own unique journey and their own individual path. We aren’t meant to be alike, or to fit in, we are meant to be unique and to stand out. We are meant to shine. And the only way to do that is to be fully ourselves. My inward journey has led me from the controlling perfectionistic, judgmental person I was, to the person I was always meant to be. Having traversed a healing path, much through trial and error and mostly by myself, I now feel compelled to share what I have learned. I am still working out the specifics of how I will share it, a book or two maybe?

To remove my final mask, I need to share this:

My mission. My purpose is to guide people forward to their truest selves and to help people uncover what is keeping them stuck. In other words I help others learn to live in the light. I do this in several ways; physically teaching yoga and Groove dance, emotionally and energetically through my reiki sessions, and via spiritual readings using my mediumship to channel messages from your guides or others for your highest good.

Every day I keep my vibration as high as I can, filling myself with love and appreciation, radiating my unique light and making myself a vessel to channel the highest good for all. Yes I am psychic, we all are. Yes I am a medium and can channel spirit guides, so can you. Yes I believe in “life” after death, I know there is so much more our soul experiences after we cross over to the other side. And yes, I believe in a higher power, source, God, and it is 100% okay that it is not the same thing you believe. We are all unique remember, therefore our journey, our beliefs and our missions should also be unique.

I plan to take my abilities in this go round of life as far as I can. I will shine my light proudly and SO brightly it will help others out of their darkness. ♥

*https://www.happiness.com/magazine/inspiration-spirituality/what-is-a-lightworker-and-what-do-they-do-exactly/

Lead By Example: Life Lessons in Parenting
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There comes a moment (or three) in the adventure of life we call parenting that sends you to your knees in prayer, that rocks you to your core and makes you question what you thought you knew. I know this, as it has happened to me. And it has also happened to friends and family around me.

The perfect kid is never perfect, nor should they even be set up to be so. It seems likely in our busy, noisy, overwhelming world, our children and grand children will face some kind of negative situation much earlier in their life than we did. Hitting rock bottom and experiencing a dark night of the soul is becoming more a part of growing up than I ever thought it would be. Many of us adults have hit our own rock bottoms, but usually later in life, and to me it feels like today's children are falling sooner. Our youths have so much more information available to them, too much sometimes, to be able to make a clear headed decision about their future.

As a parent, instead of fearing this rock bottom, and doing everything in our power to divert our children from facing it, perhaps we should instead expect it will someday happen and prepare ourselves. We will need to respond with love, not react in fear, when the day comes. Without a clear grasp on who we are authentically, it will be difficult to remain calm, grounded, and settled when it is needed most. Our children are unique and separate souls, not extensions of ourselves. They need to make their own choices (good or bad). We cannot direct their life, keep them safe from everything they face, or smooth the road before them. We have to remember they are their own person and are on their own journey. No one can learn a lesson for someone else.

The world today is wide open with possibilities, and so it seems are our children. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to follow along as we learned to do. I have made many mistakes as a parent. My crippling expectations of myself, my own mean voice, hurt my children as well. How could I expect them to be the best versions of themselves if I wasn’t embracing my true self? If we are to support our children in the way they need, with unconditional love, we must love and accept ourselves first. That means we need to find time to work on ourselves, to heal our own wounds, to embrace our imperfect selves, to forgive our mistakes, and to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter how busy and distracting life is. For many years I was caught up in everything outside of me and I let my connection to my true self go. If your sensitive and intelligent kids are anything like mine, they will know when you aren’t being authentic and “walking your talk”, and that will muddy the waters between you even more.

As our children grow up our job as parents becomes less about keeping them safe and more about helping them find their true and unique selves. The world is ever changing and our belief systems, or what we have been taught by generations before us, will likely not resonate with this younger generation. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to make the same decisions we did. How different would my decisions and my life be if I had had access to the different perspectives and loads of information that is now available at our kids’ fingertips? The course of my life was directed by what was expected of me, not by who I was or what I believed in. Our world isn’t like that anymore and we need to accept that. What helped my family heal was for me to become comfortable in my own skin, to be authentic to who I was at my core, and to start leading by example and walking my talk.

I am not proud of some of my own parenting decisions, but I have mostly forgiven myself for those mistakes. I am very grateful I had the courage to lead myself out of the mess I had become, to show my children that it is not only okay to fail, it is inevitable, and how we respond after that fall is what matters. Learning from our mistakes is part of the journey.

If your grip is too tight, if your days and nights are filled with worry, if your expectations are never met, you might be showing your little ones too much of the dark side of you. There is still time to transform into the authentic you, to live in your true light, and to be a beacon of hope for them in the darkest times. I believe if you find your true self and reconnect with your own home base, you will lead by example and become the safe haven your kids need most.  

What You Might Not Know About Me
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I believe in truth. And, I tell my story as often as I can in hopes that others will be inspired to make the life changes they need to live happier.

I made my own life change in 2013. It was then I stopped doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and started following my heart. So when I told someone last week I believed I had lived inauthentically for years, she sounded surprised and almost offended.

By inauthentic—do I mean I was a total fraud, did I lie and fake my way through life? No. But I did ignore the person I was at my core to be the person I thought I “should” be. I was the Terri who looked outside of herself to receive praise and affirmation my life and my person, were on track. I strived to do it better, make others happy, put on a good front, make a good impression, and to never let anyone down. But I did all this at the expense of denying my innermost need for less doing and more being.

For years I attempted to be perfect. The perfect wife, mother, hostess, worker bee, etc. I attempted to be above reproach. I pushed myself. I never sat still (except when laying in the sun). I kept very busy and organized. I organized things that were not my business to organize. (Like other people’s lives {sorry guys}). I tried to do the right things, say the right things, and never fail. I became so afraid to fail, I never tried anything I didn’t think I could do. My bubble of safety became so tight around me it threatened to choke me. By insulating myself from failure, I had inadvertently insulated myself from the joy in my life and as a result I became very unhappy.

I wanted to be perfect, beyond reproach because then, I mistakenly thought, I would be happy with myself.

I know I missed out on some of the best years of my life trying to be someone/something I was not. Trying to achieve the impossible brought me so far from happiness, I hit rock bottom.

Living authentically, to me, means being your true imperfect human self and letting your inner light shine without worrying what others think. It means not caring about what it looks like on the outside, not caring if what you believe is accepted by everyone else, letting go of judging and being judged, releasing the belief that everyone needed to like me. Living your truth.

No one is ever going to be perfect, you simply need to be good from the inside out.

I spent a lot of years trying to shine a spotlight on my worth so people would notice. I cared so much about what I looked like from the outside I gave away my own power. I let criticism and perceived slights and unhappy people derail and change me. Instead of slowing down to examine why I never felt good enough and why my mean voice was getting meaner, I expelled more energy trying to be better. It was like swimming upstream, against the current, and I became more negative than I like to admit. Operating from worry, anxiety, and stress affected everyone around me. One friday night my biggest fear came to fruition, I fell apart. In my mean voice’s opinion, I had failed at everything: life, parenting, being a good human.

My bubble of safety had cracked and the hot mess that was the real me was left exposed.

This splitting apart, this failing I had so feared, was really a gift. I began the journey back to my true self. It is an ongoing process that includes wrong turns and dead ends but I am learning to breathe again, to follow my heart and to build my worth from the inside. It is very much a practice, like the yoga I teach.

There has been progress, I no longer have a mean voice, instead she is an inner cheerleader and at my center I am quieter, and more peace filled. I am allowing my heart to lead me, my intuition to guide me and my life to unfold as it should. The reward is an authentically happier me.

Never Be Less of You
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Never be less of you to be more accepted, if you feel you need to do so, you are clearly in the wrong place.

I did this. For years. I tried to be accepted.  I thought if I was careful, and watched what I did or said, I would be more accepted. More liked. More respected. More loved even. In retrospect it actually did the opposite for me.

I tried to change the "me" I was meant to be and by doing so left the door wide open for my ego to have a heyday finding fault. Truth is a big deal. And giving my power to outside sources, left my inner self feeling downright bad.  

By trying to be less of myself I fed my ego ideas and allowed my mean inner voice to question and find fault with me all too often. That in turn spilled out from me into the world in the form of judgment and criticism. I call it the black and white world I was living in. In that world there is no room for compassion, even (or especially) for yourself.

With perfection as your expectation, nothing is ever good enough. You shift your natural positive focus to looking for what isn't right instead of appreciating all that is. You get critical and your life gets negative, real fast.

No one's life, no one's job, no one's marriage, no one's body, no one's situation is ever truly perfect. To think otherwise is just another way we believe the lies we tell ourselves and it is surely the path to ultimate unhappiness. To expect perfection in yourself, and/or the world around you only to know deep down it cannot happen only provides more fuel to support the false belief of perfection. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Deep down we all know that nothing is perfect, especially ourselves, and how good it looks from the outside has no bearing on what it truly is like on the inside.

Negativity is a hard habit to break free of if you are unwilling to do the scary work of tuning inward to see what needs to be changed from the inside out. The level of "safe"  you feel in your current situation is less scary than breaking free into the unknown, so people stay stuck.

Many are unable to let go of the control they cling to thinking it is what saves them, what keeps them sane-- instead of seeing control is the exact thing that weighs them down. Being willing to question that which you have been taught is a sign of taking the first steps toward tuning in. Letting go of the lies that no longer serve you leaves room for you to begin to see things as they really are.

I remember nearly every time in my life someone said I was "too" something. Too intense, too overwhelming, too curious, too sensitive, I even heard that I had too much energy---what I realize now is that their statement was about them. They couldn't handle all of me. And so instead of trying to change me to fit in, I should have just moved on to find someone else who could. Lesson learned.

And as I learn more and more about what being an hsp (or a highly aware person) really means, I realize that I allowed these comments, along with my own critical inner voice, to pull me further away from my true self. I carried an inner burden covered up with self confidence about not being good enough-- I tried to tone myself down thinking that would allow me to fit in.

It only further served to isolate my inner higher self from my everyday self. And despite being surrounded by a great life, it became really hard to appreciate it. Simply because I no longer appreciated myself. I gave up my personal power. I lost faith in me. It is very easy to do. As a mother, I tried to snuff out every bit of individuality my sons had, so they too would "fit in". To avoid the pain I felt at not, I took on the role of smoothing the road for them. I see now how wrong it was to interfere with their journey instead of working on myself and leading by example.

Most highly aware people share a common trait, we dislike being surface. We think time spent on small talk is wasted time. We often wear our feelings on our face and stink at pretending. And in the long run, if we don't feel we are being truthful or fully ourselves, it ends up creating a war within.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are not able to fully be yourself, you may need to change things up. Love relationships, jobs, friendships, volunteer opportunities won't last if you are holding yourself back to fit in. A good friend describes this as "dumbing" yourself down to make the others around you feel safer. It isn't healthy and it isn't necessary.

Even if you really love someone, it may be in everyone's best interest to let it go. There is a chance that you have outgrown them and to continue to stay in the relationship if they aren't willing to grow with you, will inevitably lead you to an unhappy, unhealthy place.

Change is inevitable. Growth is the goal.

If you cannot freely change and grow, you are only going through the motions of life and missing out on all that there is to experience.

If you feel stuck, take a good look around you. Does someone or something want you to stay there?

 

Transparency
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This is Terri.

She used to be a control freak. She thought if she planned out her life, it would keep her safe.

Safe from embarrassment, failure, reprimand.

She spent lots of energy and time making sure she knew what came next and how she would deal with what came next.

She forgot how to live in the present.

She lost the joy that comes in the freedom of being.

The beauty of nature.

Taking a walk with no idea where you are going.

She lost touch with fun.

She forgot how to play.

She grew more and more desperate to be accepted.

She tried making everyone happy.

But then she only felt lonelier and lonelier inside.

She became an island.

Being an island was awful.

She reached out but no one would help her. Or so it seemed.

Everything new she tried just left her frustrated and to her horror she became a negative nelly.

She was everything she hoped she never was.

She grew darker. She hung on tighter to things she should have simply let go.

She tried harder. It only drove people further from her.

She swore she would do better, be better, and she set goals, to-do lists, and set out to make them happen.

When she realized that nothing was working. She gave up. She let herself fall apart.

Hit rock bottom.

And it was there in the dark she realized it was all up to her.

If she could remember who she was before the world told her she wasn’t enough, or wasn’t good enough, or needed to do it better, she might be able to turn herself around.

So she set out to find herself. Indeed, she gave herself permission to move way out of her comfort zone, to change her mind, to fail at things, until she was able to remember what made her happy.

What made her laugh. What made her cry tears of joy. What inspired her. What made her lose track of time. What calmed her when she was feeling overwhelmed.

In time, she began to remember trees held a magic power for her.

Freedom from a strict schedule allowed her the spontaneity to ignite her creativity.

Laughing at herself was so helpful to quieting her mean voice.

No one was perfect.

No one expected her to be perfect.

Everyone who truly mattered would accept her transformation from who she had become into who she was always intended to be.

She suddenly began to accept she was loved beyond measure.

She was worthy of all that she wished for.

She was intimately connected to the world.

She was supported by the universe and those she loved.

She mattered.

And she embraced herself.

Wrapping her arms around herself she began to believe in her own power again.

And she felt free to be herself for the first time since she could remember.

She had forgotten how good it felt to be fully in her own footprint.

What If?

What if you were completely free to live without all the things that weigh you down?  Things like doubt, worry, depression, people pleasing, or obligations you take on even if you don't really enjoy them. What if you could start over with a clean slate and just be free to be you,  would you do it?

It is hard to think that anyone would say no to the chance, yet I see people pass on it every day. In a way, that is exactly what I did for far too many years. Year after year, I searched outside of myself for answers and validation, blaming others when things didn't go the way I hoped. In essence, I walked right on by the chance to begin anew over and over again.

Until I crashed.

It took a falling apart to be able to piece myself back together in the form of the real me. Good news! It means, if I can do it, so can you. Now it doesn't mean there isn't "work" involved, because for a while it is all emotionally exhausting. But the ensuing sense of freedom and growth you gain as you dig deeper is worth every hard moment of inner work.

My journey started when I slowed myself down enough to try yoga, thanks to prodding from friends who knew me better than I knew myself. Yoga was something I thought I would never like/need because it was too slow, and I loved to move.

They say 'What we resist; persists' and they say it for a reason. I needed yoga like no other and the opportunity to try it kept presenting itself to me. Once I did, I realized how much I needed to slow down, to tune in, to feel myself again, because running from what was truly in my heart was killing me.

Yoga was my bridge, my gateway back to myself. My real self, not the creation of me I presented to the world. I wished to look perfect. To some, I was. The more perfect I pushed myself to be, the more I began to hate myself. My "hate" became a negative voice that never stopped criticizing me. I was always thinking that I could do better, be better, be beyond reproach, immune to constructive criticism because I was going to do it completely right. I sought to validate this fake "me" by trying to always be right, or worse, by making others feel wrong.

It didn't take long to become a negative force in the world. It became hard for anyone to live up to my expectations, because I never did. It was hard to make me happy, because I never truly was.

What a sad state to be in. What a lonely place. What a nightmare it was. Surrounded by worry, fear, living in judgement, hearing and thinking only negative thoughts, losing all sense of gratitude. Yuck.

I didn't hear any compliments that came my way, only the criticisms. I couldn't accept any niceness from others, only felt their meanness. I wouldn't accept any niceness from myself either. I lost the piece we all need to heal from the inside, self-love, self-acceptance, self-care. All of that comes from within, and I spent all my time outside of me looking for validation, approval, acceptance, and love.

It took me a while to realize it was within me all the time, even though the things I read and studied told me it was. I had to find my own way to access it.

Yoga started it, learning I was an hsp was the next step, and reiki energy work finished off the trifecta so that I could regain my power. The recipe will be different for each person as we are all on our own journey, but the results of tuning in can be the same.

Power. Acceptance. Change. Happiness. Love. Freedom. Expansion. Strength.

Every positive word you can think of comes from reclaiming your personal power. Don't let your life pass you by without taking a chance on yourself. Be the person you were born to be. Make waves, create ripples, be 100% YOU. You will only be truly happy, free and whole when you do.

There are so many people who have traveled a path to get where they are and are willing to share. Find someone who resonates with you, who gets you and go learn from them. Teachers come in so many different forms. Listen, look, feel, trust your instincts and find your inspiration, then work hard and fly free with the what ifs....

I can't wait to see your beautiful light begin to shine as bright as it was always meant to!

Namaste beautiful soul. Namaste.

 

Hello I'm Terri Spaulding...

inspiring little girls who walk with inner confidence

I write so much so fast, I often lose important pieces of my journey. Here is a post I wrote nearly two years ago and saved it to my drafts but never shared. Perhaps it was that tiny voice inside that told me I had already posted something similar and no one would want to read another version of me coming undone.

Today felt like the time to let this fly. I hope hearing these kind of posts is inspiring to you and reaches you when you need to hear there is hope at any age to change and grow into the YOU you were meant to be. Each post seems so uniquely different to me, because it represents something else I needed to free, heal, admit or let go of, yet I also realize many of my posts have a common message and theme. Feel free to advise me if you are getting tired of them.

Please allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is Terri and for a long, long while I was simply pretending to be me.

I am a naturally curious, creative, truth-telling, highly sensitive/highly aware person who connects dots. I always have something to say.

Word Lover -- Student of Spirit -- Unabashed Tree Hugger

When I want to learn something new or understand a different perspective there is no stopping me. I am relentless in my thirst for knowledge and often lose track of time. The days I am able to fill with reading, writing, collecting rocks or taking nature photographs while out walking, are the best kind.  Sprinkle in some sunshine, water, my beloved trees and quality time with those I love, and I am in my element.

You will no longer see a 'me' who dresses for success, nor volunteers her time to further everyone else's dreams. I have my own ideas and I have learned to say YES to all the things that matter most, and no to those that don't.

I happily end most days with dirty feet and a messy side pony.

I played the roles of my life fairly well: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, worker bee; not many ever guessed I was sort of faking it. Heck, I may even have convinced myself.

When others began to define me as organized, responsible, practical, and helpful, I took their praise and ran with it. I built a "me" based on how I wanted to be seen, and in doing so only moved further away from the real me.

The real me isn't organized or overly planned. You may think by looking at my counter tops (which are usually clear) that I am a neatnik, but please don't open my cupboards or drawers or peer too closely into the corners of my home. All is not what it seems.

For years I was a clean freak. I actually cared about dust. Most days now I barely notice it. Well, until someone stops over and then I suddenly see every imperfection. But I am learning to let it go. (Dust comes right back anyway, right? And weirdly, so do spiderwebs). If I don't look in your corners, will you promise not to look in mine?

For years I just went through the motions; doing what I thought I should do, doing what I thought I was supposed to do, doing what the world expected of me. I made 'doing' so important I eventually lost touch with being, with the essence of me. I gave up my power to all those external things and stopped refueling from the inside. I stopped doing the things that brought me joy. 

I forgot how to just be. I forgot how much I loved sitting under a tree or walking in the woods, or collecting rocks. I forgot how to daydream, to be inspired by all the little beautiful things in nature.

I lost all spontaneity and gave up meandering for getting somewhere fast. I was always in a hurry.

I stopped dancing like no one was watching. I stopped writing. I stopped growing. I stopped leading with my heart.

My days were packed with so much accomplishing I had little time to enjoy anything. And I wasn't showing up in my own life, or the lives of those I loved, the way I was meant to. The way I had been born to.

I lost myself. Lost my once positive disposition. Lost faith in me. Lost my connection to joy.

Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say life circumstances converged upon me and broke me wide open. Stopped me dead in my over accomplishing tracks. Hitting rock bottom involves a fall--and when you are at rock bottom you have no where else to go but up.

A little less than a month ago I turned 52. I used to think being that age was an ending. I am so happy to say that it is only the beginning of a new era for me. One that finally feels authentically me.

Each day I am filled with awe and wonder at how fortunate I am to have found joy, freedom and inner peace doing what I love; doing what comes easily to me. Following my heart.

I made life way too hard for a lot of years and while I still have work to do, and many lessons to learn, I am making great progress to living authentically as me. Living from my heart has made all the difference in my journey back to me.