Which one word from the list below best captures the way you feel about your life right now?
Fill in the blank: I am ________________.
Did you find a word? How difficult was it to select only one word?
Today I would say my word is trusting. Yet, if I put myself back in time to a year ago, or even five years ago when I first wrote the post below, I would not have chosen the same word I picked today. I am happy about that because it tells me that I am making progress in my transformation. I am no longer stuck. For many years during my deep dive into personal growth I continually felt like I was stuck on “searching”.
Years of searching for the missing piece sounds exhausting, and it was. Mistakenly I was always looking ahead for something, anything that was going to be the answer to my happiness.
I wanted change. I wanted more meaning in my life. I wanted to be appreciated in the workplace. I wanted to stop thinking so much. I wanted to sleep like a rock, to experience big joy, to appreciate what I had, to live in the present moment and make impulsive, unplanned decisions.
So I searched and searched, I wrote, I read, I observed and as I kept my eyes on the far off horizon where I was sure the solution was hiding, I missed the life that was happening right in front of me.
I moved further and further away from myself, focusing outward instead of addressing what I needed to most --- the innermost me. A wise person once told me that I could not expect to see healing in those around me, unless I healed myself first.
Me, heal? That would mean admitting I had something to heal from…. a scary and daunting admission.
The answer to everything I wanted was inside me all along and it took me coming undone, me having a “breakdown” of sorts in order to begin to face my biggest fear: Me.
As I write this journal entry I believe I am thriving. I’ve done the hard work. I’ve seen the darkest there is inside of me and faced it head on. She doesn’t scare me anymore. I kind of I won’t let that dark side of me get so big ever again.
For a long time fear held me back from thriving. Fear of what you may be wondering?
Fear of everything. Failure, success, change, embarrassment, fear of not liking myself, fear of everyone else not liking me, fear of losing control, fear that I might lose control and never be able to piece myself back together again. I was afraid because for too many years I had remained in safe mode.
And yet, I lost it anyway-- no matter how hard I tried to stay protected, in the end I still cracked wide open. Some would say I failed, I say I finally opened myself up to begin to thrive.
Interestingly enough, you can’t begin to thrive if you stay safe (and stuck) and protected in your little bubble. You have to take chances and move out of your comfort zone, be willing to take a risk or two, and feel a little out of control in order to truly grow.
The definition of Thrive is:
1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish
Thriving = being brave enough to face your fears, confident enough to let others see you fail, open to growth in any direction, and prepared to succeed.
I love finding old journal entries that speak to me and record my growth. At this very moment the word I would choose is trusting. And I am. Trusting myself and my talents, trusting the universe to support and guide me, and trusting that only I know the way for me.