I'm excited to announce that tomorrow I will be adding a regular feature to my blog called: The Question of the Week.

The Question of the Week will be posted every Friday and is designed to encourage deeper thinking about yourself, your life, your passions, and your strengths & weaknesses. It is my hope that answering them will facilitate personal growth for all who participate.

Why dig deeper?

While I believe that it is never too late to begin understanding yourself, I also believe you should pay attention from a young age to the things that make you go “aha” and fill you with passionate energy. No matter what stage of life you are in, answering The Question of the Week will help you uncover your passions, highlight your interests and help you understand yourself better.  It may even help you determine what you want to be when you grow up, what you want to do next in life, or where you want to be ten years from now. Who knows, the life you truly desire might become clearer.

We all hope for happiness and personal fulfillment in our home lives and our work lives. The first step in achieving them is to truly begin to understand ourselves. And that takes commitment and courage. I challenge you to answer these 52 questions and to invest in your potential in 2013.

Because I know that together we can grow and keep each other on track, I will be answering the questions right along with you. I’d love to create a dialogue around our answers. Feel free to comment on the blog, email me privately, or share your thoughts with me in person if you know me in the real world….. I'm here to listen, to learn and to help.

First Question of the Week posts tomorrow. 7 am. Will you be ready?

2012 was definitely a year best described as challenging.

It involved many firsts, a couple of successes, one epiphany, and way too many failures to count. Not my best year ever.

Words like turbulent, tense, & gut wrenching describe a year that seemed to fly by (and last forever) all at the same time. I came to understand how hard it can be to fit in and I tasted the bitter disappointment of realizing that giving something your best is not always good enough.

On a positive note, I did learn a LOT. About me. My strengths. My interests. My passions. My limits. And especially, my shortcomings. I immersed myself in the world of digital printing and caught onto its inner workings more quickly than I ever thought I would. I discovered how much I am energized by teaching. And writing. And helping people maximize their potential.

There was a lot of failure for me in 2012. But I persevered, and stretched myself to points far out of my comfort zone. Our household had unexpected developments, which brought about massive regrouping and tears. Many tears. My biggest mistake might have been in losing faith in myself. That fact alone allowed the good of the year to be overshadowed by the bad. And all of it added to the frantic speed at which the year cruised by.

I missed so many little things. Like conversations about nothing.

Or having a clean house.

The joy of cooking.

Fun and laughter of impromptu game & karaoke nights.

The satisfaction from getting a deal while shopping for nothing specific.

Oh, sleep. I missed so much sleep.

And I missed being happy.

So it is with a huge sigh of relief that I let go of 2012 and all its angst. And replace it with a sigh of anticipation for 2013 and the affirmation that this year will be different. And better. If for no other reason than my approach and attitude will be different. And better. I’m starting anew.

The three words I plan to live and breathe in 2013 are:

Simplify |  Appreciate | Linger

Simplify: To make less complex or complicated, make plainer or easier.

Appreciate: To value, to be fully conscious of, to be aware of, to raise in value.

Linger: to dwell in contemplation, thought or enjoyment; to dawdle; to walk slowly; to saunter along.

Oh, and while I am at it, I might throw in several savors,

… some dawdling,

A traipse or two...

...And at least 1000 dillydallys.

Anyone care to join me? What about you, what will you be doing in 2013?

We could have been at a cookout, a school function, really we could have been anywhere. As I sat across the table from one of West Michigan's most inspiring women leaders, I realized that she was trying to make me feel comfortable. Something I attempt to do in nearly every conversation I participate in, so it was interesting to be on the receiving end of that hospitality. I spent an hour with her, and during that time I felt like I was the only person in the room, and that she was totally focused on me. It was an incredibly empowering feeling.

Kathy Crosby is CEO and President of Goodwill of Greater Grand Rapids. Leader of many, wife, mom and grandma to her growing family, and mentor to me. I first encountered Kathy at a YNPN (Young NonProfit Professionals Network) meeting, where she shared three tips for success to the group. Her forty-five minute talk made me cry right there at the table. They were tears of joy I realize now, her words providing me an affirmation that I wasn't alone in my feelings of wanting to make a difference in the world around me. And doing it while still being authentically me, and making money. Among her humorous and well told stories about how she ended up at the head of an organization employing hundreds of people, and who's mission statement is changing lives and communities through the power of work, she suggested that everyone find a mentor.

Afterwards, I asked if she would be my mentor. Thus the reason I was sitting across the table from her sharing lunch at Olive Garden and thinking how lucky I was, and how much I appreciated that she would carve out time in her busy schedule to talk with me.

Listening to Kathy tell stories of her growing up years it is obvious that she became the person she is today because she had an inspiring mother. Kathy tells stories about "Mama Tudy" and her job as a "nurse" in the state mental hospital. Think mental ward, shock therapy and then picture her mother becoming so invested in the potential of her patients that she brought them home to help rehab them back into society. Something like that had the power to go really wrong, instead it went so right it inspired Kathy to carry on in her mother's footsteps. Kathy has worked for the Goodwill mission for 30 + years. As a young girl she saw how the actions of one inspiring person could change the lives of many, and continues to use her faith in the Goodwill mission to change the world.

It makes me wonder how much better the world could be if we all recognized and invested in the "human power" that is all around us. What might be the potential of the collective power of everyone doing something good to move the world forward?

I thought Goodwill was just a place to drop off old clothes and items I didn't want or need anymore and actually felt guilty making someone else deal with my "junk". The retail store was only on my radar when we needed inexpensive clothes for Halloween costumes. Kathy explained what it means to be a self sustainable organization, and as a result I am not only a Goodwill supporter, I am a Goodwill believer. (I even shop there now. ) Visit Goodwill's website and you'll notice immediately that something is missing; they don't ask for money. Instead they ask for your unwanted items, because taking your "junk" employs people and turns lives around.

Meeting Kathy allowed me to glimpse the raw power that exists when a person finds their right place in life. So the goal to make my life matter is achievable, I just need to find the right organization, the right mission and the right message. Thank you Kathy for your generosity and inspiration. My life has been impacted by you, now let 's hope I can use what I've learned to make a difference in my corner of the world.

I don't expect gifts at Christmas anymore. My boys don't even attempt to get me anything. In their defense, I'm super hard to buy for. I purchase what I need (or want) when I see it, because I've learned that if I don't, it will be gone. I don't even make a list. Usually I am in the Christmas spirit immediately after Thanksgiving, I love to buy presents and to entertain around the holidays. This year, everything seemed a bit lackluster. It might have been the lack of snow, or the fact that I was too busy with work, or that I had no energy to arrange any get togethers.

Or it could just be the sad fact that two of my "kids" no longer live with us and it messed with my joy.

There was something missing this Christmas for me. My spirit. I missed my "almost daughter" Sadie and our long talks by the tree. I missed the antics and goofy laughter of her little brother Jeffrey. (I secretly kept hoping he'd surprise us and show up to hang his special ornament on the tree.)

It's not like I don't see Sadie or communicate with her fairly often, she even unexpectedly took the day off work and came along to the Spaulding Family Christmas in Jackson last Saturday. But I find I just miss the day to day stuff with her. It's the little things that make the holiday special for me, and those little things were missing.

On Christmas Eve our tradition is for my entire family to come over for dinner and games. And this year Sadie drove over to be with us. We played a game called two truths and a lie and laughed our heads off at each other, then Sadie opened her presents. Normally the kids open their presents on Christmas morning, so it was for me a little bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be there in the morning. I loved that we at least got to see her.

It was a bit of a surprise when she showed up on Christmas Day at my mom and dad's house around dinnertime though and asked to read us all something. She unfolded a lined sheet of notepaper and read aloud what she'd begun writing when she got home the night before.

Dear Family:

Love, peace & laughter are three words that come to mind when I think of you all. You have taught me so much about unconditional love, peaceful holidays and the sound of real laugher. I've never had the courage to stand in front of you and tell you how grateful I am, and how much I love each of you.

Although the last few years have not been the easiest, you stood by me, asked questions and took the time to get to know me, everything families are supposed to do. You let Jeffrey and I into your hearts & family, so suddenly, that we were never sure how to act around you. I still feel we don't quite understand you sometimes. We were so confused about why such a loving family would want us to be a part of their family.

You know the crazy, the funny, the sad and the silly stories about how we came to be, what we have done and what's happened around us. But still, you make us laugh, cry (tears of joy), and love us as though you've known us our whole lives.

Even though, Jeffrey is not here to assure you of his feelings, I know he just doesn't understand yet. I am truly blessed to be here celebrating another family Christmas with you all.

Merry Christmas and thank you for giving me the chance to call you family.

--Sadie

Proud heart doesn't begin to describe how happy this simple, unexpected and heartfelt "gift" made me feel this Christmas. Sometimes it truly is the little (big) things that bring the greatest joy.  Best Christmas present. Ever.

Here's hoping you found something to bring you joy this holiday.

I am a person who likes to make sincere connections. It's not enough for me to make small talk, I like digging deeper. I want to know who you are. What makes you tick. I want to know your story. Some people, including my kids (and their friends) describe me as intense.

It's a fair statement. I recognize that I am intense. The older I get, the more intense I seem to get. But it is because I'm all about making things matter these days. I refer to the connections and conversations in my life as opportunities to "collect kernels." We meet, we talk, we each hopefully takeaway "something" from our conversation. If we don't, in my book....it was a missed opportunity.

I'm not sure when digging deeper started to matter so much to me, maybe when I passed the halfway point of life and realized that I went through days where I didn't actually matter. I mean, I obviously matter to my family, but I want more than that. I want to make a difference in the world, not just to those who love me because they have to.

I've spent the better part of the last couple years attempting to cut to the chase of who I truly am. I've asked for help along the way, from friends and family, and even from brand new acquaintances who probably had no idea they were helping me figure myself out. I've discovered that I have the ability to challenge people, to inspire them, to guide them, and to sometimes redirect them. All for the sole purpose of helping them move forward. There's really nothing in it for me, other than I just hate to recognize untapped potential and not try to do something about it.

Potential is a person's unused and unrealized power to do, and to become.

Until recently I never knew this "talent" of mine was something unique. But a recent series of events, and a very insightful friend have shown me that it is a "talent," and it must not be squandered. I won't kid you and say this skill makes me popular, in fact it sometimes has totally the opposite effect. I make people uncomfortable, accountable, defensive and maybe even a little mad. For a person who wants to make a positive mark on the human connections in her life, that is NOT my desired result. But it happens, especially with those who need the help and direction the most.

And for that reason I will gladly accept this role of "challenger" for all those in my life who need it.

Personal growth does not come without mistakes. And I've made my fair share this past year, and I no doubt will make more. Discovering who I am and attempting to make a difference in my corner of the world is both freeing and terrifying. But I not only cannot seem to stop myself, I've found I really don't want to.

Two of the biggest compliments I've ever received in my life have come from my children.

One came from my oldest son when I picked him up from break his first year in college. We were driving home, catching up on life and all that was happening at home when out of the blue he said, "Mom-- I read your blog." I was pleasantly surprised, and also a little shocked because at the time I wasn't even sure he knew I had a blog. 

"I like it, " he said. "When I read it, it makes me feel like I'm talking to you."

Biggest compliment ever for me so far about my writing. That is exactly how I want people to feel when they read one of my posts, I want them to feel like we are having a conversation.

The other one was from my almost daughter just this past summer. She had left for her position as a camp counselor in early June, right after we'd had a big fight and she'd moved out. Communication with her had been spotty for the two weeks after the blow up, and I was still feeling incredibly guilty for losing my temper. Randomly one day I got a text from her that said: First, I miss you and second, you are still my conscience in most things I do.

I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. I was relieved that losing my temper hadn't undone all the forward motion I had made, and happy to know that she still felt connected enough to me to care what I thought.

You might be thinking that those are odd choices for me to call out as my two best compliments, and you could be right.

But what matters most to me is what those closest to me think. It is through their eyes I gauge if I am being perceived by the world for who I really am. My kids sort of "have" to love me, but they do get a choice in who they allow to impact them. It makes me over the moon happy to know that my son thinks my writing reaches him in my authentic voice, and that my daughter is slowly being shaped by the life lessons and perspectives I share with her.

Unfortunately many of us see ourselves differently than the world around us does. We even fool ourselves into thinking we are something we are not. I'm working hard to see myself for who I am; the good, and the not-so-good. Accepting who and what we really are is the only way we can become all that we are meant to be.

Hello and welcome to Treelined Roads, my new blog. If you are joining me from my When I Grow Up Blog, thank you for your patience.This blog is not perfect, and it never will be. But I am beyond ready to start blogging again. I've filled journals with words I need to post, and with experiences (both good and bad) that I want to share. Without question I've missed my "voice".

The year 2012 has been one of huge (and sometimes painful) growth. Many times I have been so out of my comfort zone that I felt like a different person, and maybe I even acted like one as well. And yet I have learned so much about me, and the way the world "experiences" me, I can't wait to share it all.

Understand that I am a work-in-progress, that this life of mine is a work-in- progress, and that whatever I say here, I say with one purpose.. to be nothing short of real.

Welcome back, I've sure missed you.

A sure sign of a season change is when the lower deck looks like this.

"In this life we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

-Mother Teresa

I love Michigan for several reasons. One is that I can’t imagine living anywhere that doesn’t have a distinct change of seasons. While I, like most people, think our summer here is too short, I still love me a good season change.

Why?

It keeps things fresh. It signals change. You just get into the routine of summer and before you can even begin to get bored, the nights get a little cooler, the sun sets a little earlier, and the acorns start pinging off the back deck. Sure signs that summer is coming to an end. It is always bittersweet for me, because summer is hands down my favorite season.

But, there is a back to school excitement about fall, even though it has been eons since I was even in school. For me, it’s kind of like starting over. The fun and laziness of summer gets put away with every beach toy and pair of flip flops, making way for lined notebooks filled with a bucket list of possibilities.

I also totally enjoy the wardrobe switch that comes with the season change. Because one thing I get bored (quickly) with, is clothes. A season change usually means new clothes, or if that is not in the budget, at least, different clothes. Clothes that I had put away until they were weather appropriate, and which feel new when I pull them back out of the closet.

As fall arrives I always take stock of my life; my goals, my to do list; my New year’s Resolutions. It’s my wake up call that the year is soon headed for completion, and I’d better re-evaluate how far I’ve gotten on my list of goals. No longer is the sun and warm weather my “golden ticket” to relax, but now fall’s “golden ticket” becomes making some forward progress. And, it usually wakes up my exercise routine, too.

I’ve always been a summer weight gainer. And this year is no exception. The slowness I love about summer quickly morphs into the need to accomplish in the fall. I go back to teaching yoga, attending evening activities, and pursuing new passions.

I go back to reality.

Pretty sure I’d be a little sad if we didn’t have seasons. And leaves turning their beautiful colors. And pumpkin seeds, apples, soups and sweatshirts.

Yep, no doubt about it, summer rules! But deep down, I’m a Michigander. I’m a seasonal girl.

Funny how a year changes everything. At this time last year I was just getting used to the idea of taking on another child. Yesterday, I let him go...

My time with him will forever be etched in my heart. Even if it was all turned around to sound ugly and wrong in court yesterday. I know it wasn't his idea to pretend the experience with us was not a good one. It was his mother's. It was clear by her reaction when the guardianship was terminated that she wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Surprisingly enough, she was actually mad. Mad that the "judge" asked Jeffrey point blank if he was asking to go back and live with his mom, in order to take care of her. Obviously the question hit way too close to home and explains why immediately afterward, she stormed out of the courtroom.

Her reaction made it all the worse for me. Because it gave confirmation to me, that her intentions were not honorable. For Jeff's sake I had hoped they would be. I wanted her to want Jeff back because she wanted time with him, I wanted him to be the reason. I fear it was more about something else entirely.

For two months I had quietly been grieving;  knowing inevitably I would have no say, and no control in this matter of such importance. If he wanted to, he was going to go back to her, no matter what I said or who stood behind me in support. Earlier this summer his mother filed paperwork saying we had been unfit guardians. (Although she eventually ended  up dropping her accusations). After court, a mixture of helplessness and anger fueled me through the rest of the day. I asked myself over and over, could I have fought the decision? Yes. Would it have done any good? No. Jeff is 16.5 and the court has no real option but to consider his wishes. Just like when his wish was to join our family to get away from his mother; they listened. In the end, it didn't matter, no one even asked me what I thought. I guess the "judge" could see what was written all over my face. I had no choice but to let him go back to his mom, and back to the life I thought I had saved him from.

How dare she be mad! She got what she wanted, she got Jeff. He sat in court and said he wanted to be returned to her. To cover for her perjury on that original paperwork, he lied in court yesterday and insinuated we took him to Pine Rest because of several attempts at self harm. (We took him to get tested for ADHD and a learning disability.) He told the judge he had gone to therapy while living with us, and had gotten better; in reality I dragged him there three times and he barely said anything.

I'm sorry she put him in a position to have to lie. He knows very clearly how I feel about lying, it can't make him feel good about himself, or his decision to leave us to live with her, knowing that we all know the truth. My heart breaks for that kind of pressure on a kid, no wonder the testing at Pine Rest came back and said he had PTSD---more than likely caused by his own mother.

I remember writing my post about how happy I was last spring because it felt like he had settled in and found a comfortable place here. I look at pictures and see what I thought was a happier kid. One who seemed calmer, and one who smiled and laughed more. In retrospect maybe I was just projecting my happiness onto him, and reading more into things every time he opened up, even if it was only just a little.

Thinking of him now brings tears to my eyes. And an ache to my heart. We will be spending this Labor Day weekend without him, and it will remind me of the promise of last year, and the hope we all had for a better life for him, and with him.

Good luck Jeffrey, I hope someday you realize that everything we did, we did completely for you. Because we believe in you. Our door is always open.

P.S. Didn't I once say that sometimes the hardest part of parenting is letting go? I was right.

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved.” ---William Jennings Bryan

 Photo Credit: Mollie Kwiek Photography

My 18 year old son spent the night in jail this week. He was arrested for possession of marijuana.

Not what you’d call a mom’s proudest moment, not by a long shot. It also isn’t the kind of news a person wants to share, and yet it feels like I am not being truthful if I leave it out of the conversation.

Being a realist, I sometimes get accused of being pessimistic; I’m not. But I am cautious and I do worry. I feel the need to prepare myself for the worst, anticipating what could happen, so that I can deal with what actually does. The control freak in me hates surprises. Many times my “preparing” just ends up as wasted worry.

Not this time.

When I got the news that my son had been taken to jail from a friend of his, I was calmer than I had anticipated I could ever be. Maybe the relief in knowing that at least he was alive had something to do with that. When he didn’t come home the night before, nor answer his phone all day long, my mom”dar” imagination was going all kinds of crazy places.

There have been signs for a while that something wasn’t quite right with him. But no amount of talking seemed to break through his angry shell. About a week before this incident I broached what I thought was a frank discussion about where his life was headed, or wasn’t headed. I actually said the words: “I want to know the truth, are you doing drugs? I do not want to be blindsided, I want to know what we are dealing with.”

Deep down did I really think he was smoking pot?  No. He’s a good liar. I believed him when he said he wasn’t. That he wouldn’t. That he knew it was stupid, and he knew the risks. I rationalized the lingering doubt in me by assuming that he had tried it, and had stopped. What he really meant is…I know the risks and I don’t care.

I have never tried an illegal substance, neither has my husband, so it is hard to understand this situation my son finds himself in. I have explained, no doubt ad nausea, why I personally considered the risks of smoking marijuana not worth taking. I had hoped both my kids would use this sage advice to come to the same conclusion we did. Clearly, it didn’t work that way.

How should a parent feel in this situation? Guilty? Disappointed? Angry? Or like a failure for not having made sure the message was clear? Well, in truth, feeling any of that would just be a waste of energy. He’d have done the same thing regardless.

Honestly I feel a little relieved, at least now I know the truth. I hope this was his rock bottom and that from here things will start looking up. I hope I can stop being the kind of mom who looks at every weird object I find laying around the house and wondering what it was used for. I want to lose the urge I sometimes feel to search through his wastebasket to see if anything looks suspect.

I want to stop feeling guilty for not trusting my own child.

He put himself in this situation not only knowing how we felt about marijuana use, but knowing exactly what the consequences of getting caught with it might be. Funny how a strong willed child grows into an 18 year old who believes that by his sheer will no bad things are going to happen to him.

I feel embarrassed, but not for my sake, I am embarrassed for him. I am disappointed in him, but not more than he is in himself. I do worry about his future but I also realize how fiercely I love that kid. I wished his life to be all neat and tidy, all the unpleasant setbacks happily absent. But, that is what I wanted for him and this isn’t my story. It’s his. And his story is made up of his choices.

I have learned that people have to make their own mistakes, no matter how hard you try to show them the easier way. So that means this is not a reflection on my parenting skills, it is about a kid making his own mistakes and in turn having to accept responsibility for his actions.

The big question now is what will he do with his second chance? I have faith that he will grow from this experience, and that he will use it to become the person I believe he was always meant to be.

Back in May I wrote a post for The Mode Life called In a Perfect World. After events that happened this week, I was actually comforted by words from my own post.Excerpt...

"But in the end, it isn’t about us. It’s about letting our kids make their own choices and their own mistakes. The consequences are theirs to own. It isn’t a reflection of how I have parented. It isn’t about me at all. And if at the end of the day we have given it our best effort and offered our most honest attempt to show them the way, and yet they still choose a path different from what we would have chosen for them; it is not our fault.

There I said it. It is not my fault. "

As mothers, we often we second guess our parenting skills. I've learned lately that crap is inevitably going to happen, no matter how much we try to circumvent it.

How we respond to that crap makes a big difference in how it will play out within our everyday lives. I choose to respond* to this week's situation, rather than to just react. Meaning I didn't go all bat shi** crazy (even if deep down I really wanted to).

It worked. I was calmer, I was more effective, and I felt better about my actions. I will not always be able do the right thing, but I plan to use this newfound control when faced with the next crisis and see where it leads me.

For the full post, click here.

*It's Not About You: A Little Story About What Matters Most in Business by Bob Burg & John David Mann (p. 40 - 52)

Just before my fabulously relaxing vacation at the lake I discovered something about myself. 

Something HUGE and exciting: I figured out my purpose. 

I was sitting on the dock in 90 something degree weather and this revelation (which after looking back through my journaling was actually simmering inside of me for a couple of weeks) leapt  off the page at me. I immediately got goose bumps. And then I texted my friend Alana. 

Alana is on a similar journey to discover what her purpose in life is also, so I knew that she would appreciate what knowing my purpose would mean to me. Alana has her own blog and a coaching business and asked if I would share my story with her readers. 

In case you didn't see it yet, hop on over to Musings of a Shiny Penny to check it out. And while you are there, poke around some, she has some great stuff to share. 

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Sometimes the path is not clear, but the next step is a no-brainer. That’s how I felt when I signed up for a local YNPN conference back in May without knowing why. Maybe it was the name, Ignite…I love that word.

Who doesn’t want to be ignited even more than they already are?

It’s true, I’m on a journey. And it freaks me out less than it used to, to admit that I have no idea where I am headed. About a year ago I recognized that my work life was not what I wanted it to be, and I was unhappy, unfulfilled, and hugely restless. So I set out to move some cheese.

One step at a time…I decided to begin following my passions and see where they led me.

My steps seem to be taking me places, new places in fact, and they feel right. As if, on my journey, I am recognizing parts of me that I never understood before. My strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my inner confidence. It is all moving me closer to my vision for a fulfilled life.

I feel like I am finally becoming the person I have always wanted to be. Someone who gives back to the world around them. I am not doing anything grandiose (yet) only taking some small steps toward being the best person I can be.

As I sat in breakout group number one at YNPN’s Ignite Conference last May with Steve Frazee, I felt a huge sense of affirmation. He explained his theory on the growth steps a person makes in their personal journey, and how their “software” changes at each step of the way. It made sense to me. I am changing, I have changed, and yet at my core I am still the same person. But you need to plug into the software that reaches me at this stage in life, in order to really reach me.

I too, believe that at different stages in life we are reachable in different ways. I think it takes an understanding of people, an ability to read both people and situations, and perspective (age) to truly inspire people, to really command their attention. Steve Frazee did that for me with his talk about how we should be able to follow our passions and also make a decent living at it. We shouldn’t be defined for what we don’t do, like the non-profit sector is, but instead be defined by who we are, and what we believe in.

As I move through life I am learning what my passions are, and I am confident that one day all my dots will align, and I will make the money I deem necessary to support my family, and still be able to achieve my life’s purpose.

In fact, I’m counting on the fact that you will, too. 

It's okay to be confident, it's not okay to be arrogant.

It's okay to be optimistic, but not unrealistic.

Positive, but not delusional.

The list is endless.

It boils down to attitude and intentions. If your actions begin from a place of genuineness (and not selfishness) you will operate through life with integrity, and people will sense this. If your focus is more for selfish gain, it becomes a slippery slope. When you are not perceived by the world around you as an honest and true person, you won't learn to operate as one.

Are you uncomfortable with who you have become? If so, then it's time to reevaluate. 

It's not too late.

Everyone has the ability to look at themselves from the outside in, and to examine how the world views them. To reality check yourself and see where your true and honest intentions begin from. If you don't like what you see, you can always make a change. I'm not saying this change will come quickly or easily, in fact, it may be the hardest thing you ever do.  But in the end you will love yourself for it. And so will those around you.

Make your life matter. Be authentic. Be real. Be genuine.

Okay so we all know that it has been HOT here in Michigan for weeks.

But I'm guessing that most of you are not molten centers of HOT lava from within, aka menopausal, in this HOT weather.

What you have then, with hot + hot flashes, is a woman on fire. Inside and out.

And in more ways than one. I had an epiphany last week. I uncovered my purpose in life. My purpose in life is to move people forward. It is as simple and as complicated as that. (more on this later)

And since then, I feel like my my brain is firing on all cylinders. Like I have woken up from a long sleep, and now I am fully awake and my brain's trying to make up for lost time. I can see clearly now.

That means I have a constant fire in my brain. A race to get the words and thoughts out as fast as they come to me. Which is Jimmy John's fast, and seem to occur 24/7.

Honestly, I am afraid if I don't get them all down on paper immediately, they will poof into thin air as fast as they mysteriously came. I do not want to lose them. I feel a sense of urgency---as if this won't last forever, so I need to take advantage of it while I can.

In reality I never want this this clarity of thoughts, ideas and words to ever end, but I know that it is inevitable. Because somedays I can't even find my car in the parking lot, or remember why I suddenly ran out of my office to go see...someone.

It's probably hormonal, this phase. This clarity. And the certainty I feel about everything, will fade. My sleepy brain will return; and I will be boring again. I will miss my chance at brilliance. And that makes me a million times sad.

Because I want to stay in this phase forever. Fully engaged. Fully charged. Fully energized. It's all so clear.

Truthfully I could do without the hot inner lava attacks which occur after every quick shift in thinking, every surge of emotion, and at every random inopportune moment followed immediately by the sweaty upper lip and hot knee backs, but the rest....the rest, is just pure heaven.

My Startgarden Happy Hour Recap

Apologies for the crappy photo from my phone.

So why are you here?

That’s the question everyone asked me as I walked into the Startgarden Happy Hour last night. Since the Startgarden crew is a bit mysterious about their events, (the word stealth comes to mind)…I’m never really positive what I’m getting myself into (maybe they aren’t yet, either).

After attending last night, I’d liken it to a yoga class; where everyone comes for their own reasons, and everyone expects something different out of the class. So why did I show up last night?

Curiosity. It all boils down to curiosity. Not only because I am a seriously curious person, who asks a LOT of questions, but because I wanted to know if attending a Startgarden event would satisfy my inner need for a 5 x 5Night fix. Weird then, that the first five people I encountered had barely even heard of 5 x 5Night, let alone attended one. Not at all what I expected.

So, what did happen then? Nothing much, I just met people, talked to people and oh yeah, shot holes in one guy’s idea, helped one person hone their idea down into a manageable starting point, and made arrangements to meet up with another to assist her with helping her idea move forward. (In all fairness I should disclose that it happened to be about something I know a little about… yoga instructors). But the point is….

Where/when else is a regular girl like me who grew up on GR’s NW side (and still lives there), who spent 24 years at the same job, and who first and foremost is a wife and mom, going to get the chance to do that in an hour and a half? NOwhere, and that’s the beauty of Startgarden. I left feeling my opinions and thoughts were relevant and useful. And I left fired up, energized, and happy.

I am a person that has a lot of ideas, the ability to comprehend things quickly (well, after I ask a lot of questions, that is), is fueled by an inner need to teach, and loves helping people reach their full potential. But… I have little opportunity to use these skills in my everyday job, and certainly my kids are sick of me trying to prod them along to reach their full potential, so I’m left feeling a little under-utilized.

Startgarden made me feel…useful.

So, are you wondering if you should go?

Yes, if you like hanging with forward thinking, creative, idea generating peeps. And if you thrive on creative energy, then it is a must that you attend the next Startgarden Happy Hour. It is scheduled for July 12th. Register to attend at startgarden.com. I’ll be there, this time with some of my forward thinking, entrepreneurial twitter friends who also like being in on the action.

Thanks Startgarden crew for giving regular people like me a chance to be a part of something bigger than myself, and for making me feel (for at least an hour and a half) that my brain is firing on all cylinders.

P.S. Lambert Edwards—your offices rock and so does that rooftop venue! Thanks for sponsoring the Startgarden Happy Hour.

P.S.S. I still miss me some 5 x 5Night presentations.

I arrived home from work a couple weeks ago to find that Sadie, my "almost daughter", was gone.

Not just mentally and physically "checked out", as she had been for the better part of the month prior, but actually gone. As in... all of her belongings were removed from our house. All traces of her presence gone along with her. Except for a few stray items I found in the laundry.

Without her the house has felt empty, weirdly silent, and just plain different.

There are nights where I lay awake and wonder if those feelings of mother/daughter closeness I once felt, were only on my end. If not, how could she so easily and quickly pack up and leave the one time I was pushed past my limit and yelled out in pain and frustration? Was our relationship really that tenuous? I didn't think so.

As the weeks go on and I continue to mentally beat myself up for the raised voice and colorful swearing I added to that night's argument (okay, so it wasn't one of my finer moments), I feel regret. And sorrow. But not guilt. As I look back over her behavior and mine, and the build up to the "fight", I know in my heart I would do most of it the same way all over again. (Minus the swearing, of course). Hey, a person can only hold it in so long.

In retrospect I wouldn't change the honesty I brought to the conversation, or the comments I voiced (because someone had to), even if it meant that she would have stayed put. I made myself a promise to be nothing short of real, and I am sticking to it. It is sometimes super hard, lonely even, to be real. But at the core of it, to me it feels like the right place to be. Which is why there is now regret in my heart over this situation, but not guilt.

The "mad" I felt at her for leaving me so bluntly only lasted a moment and then quickly faded to heartache. I wish I could stay mad, it is so much easier for me to deal with being mad, than it is to deal with being sad. Because in my "sad", the self doubt, self criticism, sleepless nights, and what ifs...creep in.

In my head I think Sadie wasn't ready to leave our nest. I think she needs to be stronger before she takes the leap she so badly wants to take. But in my heart, I try to be positive and pray that it was her time to fly. That she is ready to test out her wings.

As I look through the pictures we have taken together over the last three years, Sadie's brilliant smile catches my eye. And I find myself being hopeful that it wasn't all just a dream. That the love I feel is not just on my side. And that although we may see things from opposite sides, we are still connected where it matters most.



Sadie & me in 2009



Here is the post I wrote late the night of the fight. It is from the terrispaulding.com site that I am in the process of figuring out how to set up. Most of this post is directed at the really tricky place I so often find myself in, between being Sadie & Jeffrey's friend and being their "almost mother", and some of it is directed at raising my own strong-willed child, who may never see me as anything more than a thorn in his side.

No Really, I Love Being A Fun Sucker

May 15, 2012

I am not your friend.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’d love nothing more than to just be your friend, but it is not my job.

I’m your parent.

And with that goes the biggest responsibility I’ve ever been entrusted with.

So as to not mess up this assignment…I am going to follow the rules of what it means to be a parent, even when it sucks to be me. Which honestly, is often.

Wouldn’t I rather just agree with you, exchange a few surface niceties and go about my merry way, instead of endlessly dragging out of you whatever your latest problem is? Oh heck yes.

But that isn’t the job I took on. And I’m not one to brush things aside, let half truths lie, or hold feelings inside, for long.

So I will scold, prod, encourage, advise, push, pull, question and challenge my way through your week. Every week.

I will even say “no” to you, and I will say it often, without reason, with reason and every place in between.

Because I love you. Because I care. Because I can. Because I am your parent.

I won’t attempt to buy your love with special treats, or adventures. I’ll instead buy you “real” food, boots, underwear, deodorant, glasses, shampoo and all the other necessities required. I won’t help you buy a car you can’t afford, instead I will take you to the doctor when you are sick, navigate through your medical bills, bank statements and job applications when they don’t make sense, stay up half the night when you have had too much to drink, all in hopes that someday you will learn to be independent. That you will make better choices.

I’d really rather go with you to the flea market, or bowling, out for Chinese or shopping…but instead I will work, so I can pay the bills. I’ll do the laundry, clean the house, do the grocery shopping and make sure everyone has a safe, clean and healthy place to live and thrive. A place where friends are welcome and wanted. Where birthdays are celebrated. Where accomplishments are celebrated. And failures are discussed. I’ll go to the boring school meetings, the conferences, and attend any baseball games I can fit into my work day.

And when things go wrong in your life, or you face disappointment or failure, I’ll still be here—living my boring, predictable existence. Ready to lift you up or bring you back down to reality. All the while doing my best at the hardest job I will ever take on, being your parent. So you can have a chance at a life beyond what you were born into. A life with choices. A life where you can live to be anything you want to be.

I’m your parent, I’m not your friend. And I will always be here.

It actually hurts to say that I am not your friend, because someday I sure would like to be.

In the meantime I’m right here. I haven’t changed, even though you have. I am still the reality check. The thorn in your side. The fun sucker.

The one who loves you more than you can ever imagine.

And I will remain that person, no matter how far you push me away.

Because it is my job as your parent. And I intend to be the best parent I can.

One simple act of generosity can change a life, a community and the world." ---Debbie Macomber

How many of you ever reached out with a random act of kindness; a donation, a compliment, or a helping hand and changed someone's life? Now here's a question you may not have ever considered; how has your own life been affected since reaching out to help that someone in need?

Recently I told an abbreviated version of my story at PechaKuchaGR, a venue where you are allowed exactly 6 min/ 40 sec to share your story. Until I can share that video, here is my story.

My name is Terri Spaulding and I am an average girl. At age 49 I have just begun to understand the importance of generosity and its affect on the world around me. I wanted to share my story, which I call: Living Life Outside the Bubble in hopes that it might help plant a seed of generosity in someone else.

Three years ago I reached out to help someone in need and what I have learned is that the person who was really in need, was me.

I have traveled through life on what many could call a super safe track. I'll even admit it was a ridiculously sheltered, judgmental and naive track. I followed the rules as I had been taught, worked hard, bought only what I could afford, never became a burden to anyone, and kept my nose out of trouble. I lived responsibly, and I took control. Together, my husband of 27 years and I, have created a beautiful life for ourselves and our two boys.

What I didn't realize is that a piece of me was missing, my sense of generosity. And what I didn't see coming was that when my middle class republican bubble finally burst, the life that would reveal itself afterwards, would be so much more fulfilling than I ever dreamed. I moved out of my black and white world, and into a fuller, richer life in the grey.

The group of misfits that changed my life.

According to the author of the book A Million Miles in a 1000 Years, everyone has a story, and everyone has an inciting incident that starts their "story." My inciting incident was volunteering to be a backstage mom for the high school production of Annie that my oldest son was in, at a school he was not even attending. There, my eyes were opened to a world I had known existed, but hadn't really let affect me. A world where kids were growing up far too fast, many without the support and love of parents, or people who cared, who might on any given day go hungry, or worse yet, go unnoticed.

I watched the young directors of the musical, married teachers, who were expecting their first child, work with this cast of "misfits." I was astonished at the bond the group shared, the very diverse "family" they had grown into in such a relatively short amount of time. I was even more astounded by the energy and dedication this couple exuded while doing it. I could see their impact, not only through the actions and eyes of my son, but the whole cast. There was a feeling of love that surrounded everyone involved, and the impact their leadership was having on all those lives was completely inspiring to see.

And after less than a week, when I found myself both physically and mentally exhausted, and knowing that the Morgans had spent several months working with these kids on a daily basis, I wondered aloud "Why are you doing this?"

Dan's answer is one I will never forget. He said, "because my wife and I vowed to love all children."
 

 Dan & Ella Morgan, directors of the UHS Production of Annie

And that simple statement changed my life. I felt something shift in me. A seed of generosity was planted in me. I realized that if these children were so thankful and hungry for the little bit of attention I was able to provide as a backstage mom, what could I do if I really stepped up to the plate to help someone in need?

It didn't take long until I heard a voice inside tell me that the girl playing Annie, was that someone in need for me. So, I reached out to Sadie and our world has been forever changed. Annie (or Sadie) has lived with us on and off for the past 3 years, and last fall we expanded our family to take on legal guardianship of her 16 year old brother, Jeffrey.

The changes we have made make for chaos, drama and activity in our house, at a time in our lives that Mike and I once imagined we'd be experiencing an empty nest. The house is never clean. The laundry is never done. The cupboards seem like they empty as soon as they are filled. Many days I feel like I take one step forward and two back, and nights when worry gets the best of me, and I begin to doubt my own abilities... How did I think I could take on other people's children when I can barely raise my own? 

But the good it has brought to all our lives far outweighs the times we have struggled. There will always be long lasting love that grew out of that small seed of generosity, our new family was born. Our eyes have been opened to a new perspective, and our hearts will never be the same. When people look at our situation and wonder what we were thinking by making our lives more complicated, I answer with the only explanation I have. Because it was the right thing to do. Because we could.

 Our kids: Our hope

Bursting out of that bubble and taking a leap into the unknown, not only changed my life, but the lives of my family. For the better. I appreciate more, love more, and have lived more fully each day since.

I believe each of us has the power within ourselves to reach out in kindness. That small act can start a ripple effect that could eventually change a life, or who knows, maybe even change the world. Generosity is awesome like that, it has a way of spreading. You never know when one simple act might start something big in motion.

Here's what I hope you'll take away from the sharing of my story:

• Don't be afraid to burst out of your bubble, whatever kind of bubble it is 
• Listen to your inner voice if it is telling you to help someone in need
• Practice true benevolence----give without expecting anything in return 

Oh yeah, and don't forget to tell someone if they've changed your life--you never know how that also might change theirs ----so to Dan & Ella Morgan, Mercedes (Sadie) & Jeffrey DeJesus, and the entire cast of Annie, THANK YOU for changing my life. For bringing about a change in me that I wish to be seen in the world.

"One of life's great rules is this: The more you give, the more you get." ----William H. Danforth