I’m taking some online trainings which require more frequent meditation time. In the quiet moments I am called to write down words and messages, some call this automatic writing. I call it a really cool experience because most of the time I cannot even remember what I write, until I find it later in a journal. This is one of those messages I wrote a while back and now thought it was time to share.

Embrace the light in you for it is your unique footprint. No one will ever be just like you are, and for that you should celebrate. It is your unique combination of light and dark forces that creates your magnificence. Never dim your light to help others shine. It is only in your shining your light to its fullest that others will begin to see. It is your job to simply be yourself, to honor your needs, to lead by example. to share when asked, to step up to lead when needed, and to follow when you can. Do not try to figure out the end game, your responsibility is to live in the moment. Each one. Good or bad, stressful or peace filled. Just be. We hear your cries of despair when the answers are not clear, and we know then, you still have work to do.

Allow your life to unfold as it should, and you will know what is next. Do not leave your spiritual quest to be the best version of yourself, unattended, even in the busiest of times. There is always more work to be done, and more to learn, even and especially amidst the hectic times in life. Remember that everything is happening as it should. All will eventually be revealed to you, and you are not imagining the wonder you experience. You are able to do far more than you have already learned. You are assembling your tribe and setting the foundation for continued growth for all. Do not abandon your mission if things begin to roadblock your path—they are not there to stop you, but to redirect you to the proper path. Trust in the process and believe in yourself. There is no place for fear or doubt in the present moment.

My written thoughts after receiving this message via automatic writing in my meditation/quiet time.

I need the dark so I can remember how much I value the light, the sun, the color and shades in the brilliance of light. Life is meant to be lived in full color. Universe please remind me when I need to hear that I am enough. When I need to remember it is not my job to fix anyone else. Signal me when I let self-doubt put up roadblocks in the way of my dreams. Help me stop my innermost fears in their tracks, especially when it involves worrying what others might think of me. Help me find the strength to dig deep when my store of self-belief is getting low, or needs replenishing. Encourage me to go with the flow of life and stop wasting energy trying to plan it all out. Let me lead with love and the brightest light I can shine.

Universe please continue to remind me when my guilt slips into control, that I deserve happiness. Help me to stay connected to my goodness when when my patience wears thin. Help me to surrender to your perfect timing, even when I have doubts about that timing. Shore me up with courage to believe in the power of me. Remind me that no one can do it for me, and no one can show me my unique path and all I truly need is within me and around me.

I promise in return to continue to shine my light for others to see, even when it is uncomfortable or scary.

If this resonates with you, let me know. I’ll share more if it helps others on their path.

I believe in truth. And, I tell my story as often as I can in hopes that others will be inspired to make the life changes they need to live happier.

I made my own life change in 2013. It was then I stopped doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and started following my heart. So when I told someone last week I believed I had lived inauthentically for years, she sounded surprised and almost offended.

By inauthentic—do I mean I was a total fraud, did I lie and fake my way through life? No. But I did ignore the person I was at my core to be the person I thought I “should” be. I was the Terri who looked outside of herself to receive praise and affirmation my life and my person, were on track. I strived to do it better, make others happy, put on a good front, make a good impression, and to never let anyone down. But I did all this at the expense of denying my innermost need for less doing and more being.

For years I attempted to be perfect. The perfect wife, mother, hostess, worker bee, etc. I attempted to be above reproach. I pushed myself. I never sat still (except when laying in the sun). I kept very busy and organized. I organized things that were not my business to organize. (Like other people’s lives {sorry guys}). I tried to do the right things, say the right things, and never fail. I became so afraid to fail, I never tried anything I didn’t think I could do. My bubble of safety became so tight around me it threatened to choke me. By insulating myself from failure, I had inadvertently insulated myself from the joy in my life and as a result I became very unhappy.

I wanted to be perfect, beyond reproach because then, I mistakenly thought, I would be happy with myself.

I know I missed out on some of the best years of my life trying to be someone/something I was not. Trying to achieve the impossible brought me so far from happiness, I hit rock bottom.

Living authentically, to me, means being your true imperfect human self and letting your inner light shine without worrying what others think. It means not caring about what it looks like on the outside, not caring if what you believe is accepted by everyone else, letting go of judging and being judged, releasing the belief that everyone needed to like me. Living your truth.

No one is ever going to be perfect, you simply need to be good from the inside out.

I spent a lot of years trying to shine a spotlight on my worth so people would notice. I cared so much about what I looked like from the outside I gave away my own power. I let criticism and perceived slights and unhappy people derail and change me. Instead of slowing down to examine why I never felt good enough and why my mean voice was getting meaner, I expelled more energy trying to be better. It was like swimming upstream, against the current, and I became more negative than I like to admit. Operating from worry, anxiety, and stress affected everyone around me. One friday night my biggest fear came to fruition, I fell apart. In my mean voice’s opinion, I had failed at everything: life, parenting, being a good human.

My bubble of safety had cracked and the hot mess that was the real me was left exposed.

This splitting apart, this failing I had so feared, was really a gift. I began the journey back to my true self. It is an ongoing process that includes wrong turns and dead ends but I am learning to breathe again, to follow my heart and to build my worth from the inside. It is very much a practice, like the yoga I teach.

There has been progress, I no longer have a mean voice, instead she is an inner cheerleader and at my center I am quieter, and more peace filled. I am allowing my heart to lead me, my intuition to guide me and my life to unfold as it should. The reward is an authentically happier me.

Never be less of you to be more accepted, if you feel you need to do so, you are clearly in the wrong place.

I did this. For years. I tried to be accepted.  I thought if I was careful, and watched what I did or said, I would be more accepted. More liked. More respected. More loved even. In retrospect it actually did the opposite for me.

I tried to change the "me" I was meant to be and by doing so left the door wide open for my ego to have a heyday finding fault. Truth is a big deal. And giving my power to outside sources, left my inner self feeling downright bad.  

By trying to be less of myself I fed my ego ideas and allowed my mean inner voice to question and find fault with me all too often. That in turn spilled out from me into the world in the form of judgment and criticism. I call it the black and white world I was living in. In that world there is no room for compassion, even (or especially) for yourself.

With perfection as your expectation, nothing is ever good enough. You shift your natural positive focus to looking for what isn't right instead of appreciating all that is. You get critical and your life gets negative, real fast.

No one's life, no one's job, no one's marriage, no one's body, no one's situation is ever truly perfect. To think otherwise is just another way we believe the lies we tell ourselves and it is surely the path to ultimate unhappiness. To expect perfection in yourself, and/or the world around you only to know deep down it cannot happen only provides more fuel to support the false belief of perfection. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Deep down we all know that nothing is perfect, especially ourselves, and how good it looks from the outside has no bearing on what it truly is like on the inside.

Negativity is a hard habit to break free of if you are unwilling to do the scary work of tuning inward to see what needs to be changed from the inside out. The level of "safe"  you feel in your current situation is less scary than breaking free into the unknown, so people stay stuck.

Many are unable to let go of the control they cling to thinking it is what saves them, what keeps them sane-- instead of seeing control is the exact thing that weighs them down. Being willing to question that which you have been taught is a sign of taking the first steps toward tuning in. Letting go of the lies that no longer serve you leaves room for you to begin to see things as they really are.

I remember nearly every time in my life someone said I was "too" something. Too intense, too overwhelming, too curious, too sensitive, I even heard that I had too much energy---what I realize now is that their statement was about them. They couldn't handle all of me. And so instead of trying to change me to fit in, I should have just moved on to find someone else who could. Lesson learned.

And as I learn more and more about what being an hsp (or a highly aware person) really means, I realize that I allowed these comments, along with my own critical inner voice, to pull me further away from my true self. I carried an inner burden covered up with self confidence about not being good enough-- I tried to tone myself down thinking that would allow me to fit in.

It only further served to isolate my inner higher self from my everyday self. And despite being surrounded by a great life, it became really hard to appreciate it. Simply because I no longer appreciated myself. I gave up my personal power. I lost faith in me. It is very easy to do. As a mother, I tried to snuff out every bit of individuality my sons had, so they too would "fit in". To avoid the pain I felt at not, I took on the role of smoothing the road for them. I see now how wrong it was to interfere with their journey instead of working on myself and leading by example.

Most highly aware people share a common trait, we dislike being surface. We think time spent on small talk is wasted time. We often wear our feelings on our face and stink at pretending. And in the long run, if we don't feel we are being truthful or fully ourselves, it ends up creating a war within.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are not able to fully be yourself, you may need to change things up. Love relationships, jobs, friendships, volunteer opportunities won't last if you are holding yourself back to fit in. A good friend describes this as "dumbing" yourself down to make the others around you feel safer. It isn't healthy and it isn't necessary.

Even if you really love someone, it may be in everyone's best interest to let it go. There is a chance that you have outgrown them and to continue to stay in the relationship if they aren't willing to grow with you, will inevitably lead you to an unhappy, unhealthy place.

Change is inevitable. Growth is the goal.

If you cannot freely change and grow, you are only going through the motions of life and missing out on all that there is to experience.

If you feel stuck, take a good look around you. Does someone or something want you to stay there?

Dear Girl in the Front Row:

Stop trying so hard. Really. It’s okay, in fact it is more than okay to do it your way.

You are the only one who cares that you aren’t 100% doing this pose. Most everyone else in class is doing what they are supposed to be doing and concentrating on their own practice, tuning into their own body. No one is looking at you.

I see you forgetting to breathe attempting to hold the pose longer, I saw the look of disgust you gave yourself when you looked toward the mirror just now, and I feel the frustration radiating off you because you are not standing as straight in tree pose as you think you should. Trying harder, pushing yourself is not what yoga is about. Instead listen to your body and choose an easier level. Honor your body’s needs.

You aren’t listening to your back, hips, or shoulders right now, are you? They aren’t just feeling “tight”, they are screaming stop. Help me. End this agony and take me to child’s pose. How do I know? I was you. For a long, long time.

And every now and then, I still try too hard.

For the record, neither “perfect” or “flexy-bendy” are ever going to be words used in describing my practice. And I am mostly okay with that.

But sometimes I get caught up in my old way of perfectionistic thinking, and I push myself a little harder. I suppose I feel like I am slacking if I don’t. And that bothers me to the max because I not only tell my students it is okay to honor their bodies, I really believe it is best for them to do that. It is best for me to do that as well, to feel the pose from the inside, and not worry about what it looks like from the outside.

I became a yoga instructor not because I am flexible, or a yoga geek, or even that I am good at it. I am a yoga instructor because I love to teach. And I especially love to teach something that I completely believe in. I understand what yoga can do for someone who lives in a tight body. I know the power of yoga to change lives. It sure changed mine. I would say that yoga was a big part of what reconnected me to my true self, the one I had lost under the heavy weight of trying to be perfect, to be more than I was. Of trying to be like everyone else.

I know I found the answers I was looking for when I opened up to life as it was, instead of resisting it, or expecting it to be more. I now 100% believe in the power of doing what feels right to you.

When I look around the room and see my students making unique pose choices to honor their bodies, or their present physical, mental or emotional situation, I am so proud. It tells me that they are listening, honoring and feel empowered to do what feels good to them, rather than just following mindlessly along. One of my favorite yoga instructors said the most advanced student in the room was the one doing child’s pose when they needed it.

Don’t try to be like anyone else in class. Just be you. Do what feels good to your unique body. Always.

I am not just spewing some cute yoga jargon when I tell you that honoring your body is the highest form of appreciation for your body, it is to me the heart of what a yoga practice can do for you. What better way to find your power from within, than by taking the time to tune in and pay attention to your awesome body. To breathe fully and deeply and sit in the silence of your innermost thoughts to really hear yourself. I know of no better way to grow and understand yourself than from the inside out.

Honor your uniqueness, and never try to look like someone else in class. Do only what feels right, and challenge yourself for all the right reasons, when you are ready for a challenge, and not because you are striving for some kind of an ideal.

I went to a workshop yesterday. I am usually the one who leads them. Whenever I participate in one I remind myself that I am not in charge. In fact, my friends might even say that I am unusually quiet when I attend one now. That is 100% on purpose. I have been chastised for hijacking someone else’s workshop before.

When I signed up for the workshop, somehow I “knew” the workshop would help me move forward, whether I spoke up at it or not. I knew I needed to go in with an open mind and heart, without any expectations, and it would be exactly what I needed.

I managed to do that. And the experience was very healing for me.

I have cried many tears over the years in my transformation back to the me I once was; ugly tears, easy tears, snotty tears, and quiet tears of release. I didn’t think there were any tears left in me.

Clearly I was wrong. There were more.

It was the question: What were you told when you were little, that wasn’t true? That is the question that got me. Right smack in the solar plexus.

Once someone who loved me very much told me in her own quiet way that I was too much. That I shouldn’t let on to the world all I knew. People wouldn’t understand. People would look at me funny. In essence, I was asked to stop being me, and little me didn’t really understand why. I thought I had done something wrong, when all I really had done was spoken the truth as I had understood it.

From then on I began trying to be “perfect” (d) to make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible. I think I was maybe 4. Being perfect to me meant following the rules, being beyond reproach, making adults happy, and it was the start of me looking outside of myself for validation that I was ok.

When we are little we speak truth because it is all we know. We have yet to figure out there are subtleties to truth, shades of truth. Back then I had no idea people would judge me if I used the talents I had been given without restraint. But once I learned it meant disapproval from the adults I loved, I became afraid of disappointing them and tried even harder to fit in, to be like everyone else. Fearful I knew too much, saw too much, understood too much, my inner voice began to censure me, to judge me, to criticize me, to change me. And it was then I lost my power.

After yesterday’s workshop and the journey Rachel took us on, my power has been restored. From this day forward I am going to unleash my power and utilize all that I was given. I am no longer a “little” now. I am older and wiser , and I understand tact, boundaries, and how to stay quiet when it is appropriate and how to speak my truth when required. I promised my little self I will not stop being “me” for any reason, ever again. She will be able to be her full self. I will speak my truth and I will help others (whether they are little or big) to do the same.

Power restored.

Bring on 2020. I am so ready!

Remember to follow the path that feels right to you, not the path others wish you to take.

We want your days to be filled with awe and a deep sense of contentment in what you are doing. We want your “work” and life’s mission to be effortless and exciting, and gratifying at the same time. When you are on the right path things will feel easy and everything will fall into place, even if it isn’t the way you envisioned it to happen.

Effortless doesn’t mean it can’t challenge you, it simply means you need to work from your strengths and do what you do easily. Do not rush into things simply because opportunities present themselves to you, feel your way through it. If it begins to feel like you are swimming upstream, or applying too much effort to make something happen, it is a sign. Yet also remember if new opportunities present themselves before you “think” you are fully ready, be willing to accept the challenge as we (the universe) have a way of knowing what is best.

Support is always around you, and will guide you without taking away your freedom of choice. So, choose wisely and with all your senses open and aware.

Let go the need to know the path before you begin walking it, and trust you will find your true way. Not everything in your life has to be mapped out and pre-determined for it to be successful.

Your natural ability and your all knowing intuition, combined with life’s learned wisdom and your unique vision, will lead you where you are supposed to go.

Take the adventure and have fun knowing the best possible outcome is you will thrive.

I am sharing in case someone else needs to hear this.

When do you feel most alive?

It seems crazy to me that we have to think so hard about what makes us vibrate with positive energy, and yet until I took the time to focus inward and become aware, I didn’t have an answer to this.

I know from experience it is possible not to know. In my case I was always looking ahead and had lost my ability to connect to the present moment, and with it, my ability to discern when my mind, body + spirit needed rejuvenating.

Along the way my answer to the question has changed as I have grown. I used to think that helping others energized me, and it still does get me fired up at times, but I also recognize it can drain me if the person I am helping isn't ready to make real changes. If someone isn't ready, no amount of “helping” in the world can create forward motion. And when a person relies on a outside situation like helping someone else move forward to energize them, they are giving away their power to that outward focus. That is what I was doing. And it meant I was on a roller coaster. The kind of alive I am asking about in my original question needs to come from inside you, not conditional to a person or a situation outside of you.

So, when do I feel optimum, whole, balanced, and buzzing with intention?

I feel most alive when I have spent time in nature. Walking or sitting in the forest is my favorite, with my beloved trees.

How did I forget how important time outside was for me? I knew this as a kid. I spent endless hours of alone time in the woods daydreaming in the shade, searching for rocks in the tree-lined river, netting turtles out of the tree rimmed pond, walking the tree filled paths around our family cabin, or cross country skiing through the snow covered woods. I let my grown up life and responsibilities push aside my need for connection with the earth.

Yet a few years back even as I began to recognize my need to spend more time outside, I began walking with someone else, or I wore headphones and listened to music. Not exactly the best way for me to be present to the experience of being outside. Headphones silenced the sounds of the "now", giving me way too much time in my little bubble to overthink and talking with someone while walking isn’t very mindful either. 

What I needed was to tune into the sounds of the world around me, not to continue to tune them out. Noticing things like the breeze rustling through the top of the trees, hearing the birds chattering to each other from nearby branches or the scurrying of little feet in the forest, are what bring me back to the present moment. The sun on my face, wind in my hair, and quiet time with the trees grounds me, balances me and rejuvenates me.

I encourage you to find your own personal fountain of youth by tuning into what makes you feel more alive. Maybe next time your energy is low or leaking,  you should try taking a walk in nature and see if my solution works for you? If not, figure out what your own personal recipe to rejuvenation is. Once you uncover what fuels you make it a priority to do more of it!

Which one word from the list below best captures the way you feel about your life right now?

Fill in the blank: I am ________________.

Striving

Trusting

Battling

Searching

Praying

Straying

Glowing

Growing

Existing

Thriving

Did you find a word? How difficult was it to select only one word?

Today I would say my word is trusting. Yet, if I put myself back in time to a year ago, or even five years ago when I first wrote the post below, I would not have chosen the same word I picked today. I am happy about that because it tells me that I am making progress in my transformation. I am no longer stuck. For many years during my deep dive into personal growth I continually felt like I was stuck on “searching”.

Years of searching for the missing piece sounds exhausting, and it was. Mistakenly I was always looking ahead for something, anything that was going to be the answer to my happiness.

I wanted change. I wanted more meaning in my life. I wanted to be appreciated in the workplace. I wanted to stop thinking so much. I wanted to sleep like a rock, to experience big joy, to appreciate what I had, to live in the present moment and make impulsive, unplanned decisions.

So I searched and searched, I wrote, I read, I observed and as I kept my eyes on the far off horizon where I was sure the solution was hiding, I missed the life that was happening right in front of me.

I moved further and further away from myself, focusing outward instead of addressing what I needed to most --- the innermost me. A wise person once told me that I could not expect to see healing in those around me, unless I healed myself first.

Me, heal? That would mean admitting I had something to heal from…. a scary and daunting admission.

The answer to everything I wanted was inside me all along and it took me coming undone, me having a “breakdown” of sorts in order to begin to face my biggest fear: Me.

As I write this journal entry I believe I am thriving. I’ve done the hard work. I’ve seen the darkest there is inside of me and faced it head on. She doesn’t scare me anymore. I kind of I won’t let that dark side of me get so big ever again.

For a long time fear held me back from thriving. Fear of what you may be wondering?

Fear of everything. Failure, success, change, embarrassment, fear of not liking myself, fear of everyone else not liking me, fear of losing control, fear that I might lose control and never be able to piece myself back together again. I was afraid because for too many years I had remained in safe mode.

And yet, I lost it anyway-- no matter how hard I tried to stay protected, in the end I still cracked wide open. Some would say I failed, I say I finally opened myself up to begin to thrive.

Interestingly enough, you can’t begin to thrive if you stay safe (and stuck) and protected in your little bubble. You have to take chances and move out of your comfort zone, be willing to take a risk or two, and feel a little out of control in order to truly grow.

The definition of Thrive is:

1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.

2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish

Thriving = being brave enough to face your fears, confident enough to let others see you fail, open to growth in any direction, and prepared to succeed.

I love finding old journal entries that speak to me and record my growth. At this very moment the word I would choose is trusting. And I am. Trusting myself and my talents, trusting the universe to support and guide me, and trusting that only I know the way for me.

Ever feel the need to shake your life up and rearrange the pieces?

A few years ago I was lost.

My life wasn't going the way I had always thought it would. I was at the age I once thought of as "old" and I had always assumed that wisdom and contentment came with that big number. Being accomplished, settled and happy came along as well, or so I thought.

 But I wasn't any of those things, except happy in my marriage. My well organized life lacked purpose and deeper meaning and weirdly enough instead of feeling wise with age, I felt like a naive 17 year old.

My confusion permeated everything. My job. My relationship with my kids. How I felt about myself. And wondering what my real life's purpose was weighed heavy on my heart and my mind. At that time my oldest had just left for college and I was reeling with the change it brought to my identity. Who was I if not busy mom anymore?

I started making some small changes to get out of my slump, distancing myself from things I had always done and rethinking ways of being that were ingrained in me. It worked for a while. On the surface I was more alive, but deep down I still wondered why everyone else seemed so happy and questioned why I was not.

I really dislike feeling stuck.

I wished for my life to feel right from the inside instead of always worrying about how it looked from the outside. I made a bold move and tried shaking things up by changing jobs and leaving the one I had held for nearly 24 years. It proved to be all things a highly sensitive person should not do---and halfway through my first year I was both mentally and physically exhausted, and very negative.

What helped me out of my slump the most was to begin writing again. Which after years of NOT writing anything, felt great even if the writing wasn't. It was an outlet to share my truth and I wrote it solely for me. But others read it and let me know that it resonated with them.

So it did give me some clarity, but it also led to more confusion. And when I am confused or unable to grasp something, I ask more questions. Then if I don't understand after the answers, I get frustrated (patience was never my virtue) and then overwhelm sets in and I give up.  That leads to some serious negativity.

My mean voice found the fuel she needed to take over and paralyze me with the fear of doing it wrong.  I became so afraid of doing anything wrong that I just stayed safe and coasted along -- alternately controlling things, and then getting exasperated when they didn't work out the way I envisioned and then giving up. But never growing forward.

Staying safe I now realize, is another name for staying stuck. No forward movement = frozen, stagnant, trapped. My biggest fear.

I didn't yet understand that the power was within me to change my life. One baby step at a time. The only way to get unstuck is to move forward, a step at a time -- don't try to solve everything in one move, just begin making the necessary changes to open up doors.

I read the book entitled Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and it made me see that what I feared most was moving out of my comfort zone and not being able to handle it. The whole book can be summed up like this: What is the worst thing you can imagine, now if that happens, can you handle it? Then, if you can handle that, you can handle anything.

Too easy? Not really. Thinking in that way made me see that it is okay to fail. To try again. To fall flat. The world does not end. Just because I fail does not mean that I am a failure--my mean voice had me so tricked into thinking it meant exactly that!

Stop looking outside yourself to make the changes you need to make from within. Stop giving away your power to others: bosses, friends, situations, history, or the mean voice in your head.

Take a step forward. Shake it up. Create a kerfluffle*.

You may find that is exactly what your spirit needs to find the sunny side of the street.

*Kerfluffle—Verb: To rile up, confuse, or anger a cat (especially kittens) into fluffing up.  (Urban Dictionary)

It’s that time of year again. Time to reflect, resolve, release and start anew.

There has been a lot of internal shifting for me in the last couple of months, some tying up of loose ends, some releasing, some acceptance and some internal discomfort. I’ve been forced to go deep within, a lot.

As hard as I try to surrender and let life lead me, to let it show me the next step, I still have the need to “know” where I am headed and why I am headed there. I recognize that the process of really living life is not supposed to be like that.

I am a recovering perfectionist, control freak, and over achiever.

Inside me, I have come to learn, is a free spirited, curious, simple girl aching to come out and play.

If my job is simply to be happy, to live my best life, to lead from a place of light and love and goodness, I make life harder than it needs to be. I recognize how exhausting this constant need to have a plan, to be on a determined path is for me (and probably for everyone around me) but it is very hard for me to not fall back into this lifelong way of thinking. I’ve been looking ahead ever since I can remember.

The free-spirited flower child inside of me dreams of days filled with nothingness (which to her is letting curiosity lead into endless possibility and random distractions). She wants to sit under the trees and daydream or doodle and have nothing on her to do list. She wants to refrain from making plans, so she won’t let anyone down by canceling or failing to live up to her end of the bargain. She is far more introverted than you might think. She wants more play and less schedule. She wants endless summer vacation. She wants more time to simply BE and she is the kind of person who knows that simply being is enough.

There is also another voice inside me. This one wants to make a difference in the world. The teacher in me wishes to share what she has learned in hopes it helps someone else find wholeness and happiness. She dreams of empowering others with her own brand of wisdom + words. This voice wants/needs some accountability, some structure to bring this dream to fruition. Maybe deep down, she even craves a plan.

2019 has me striving for balance between Freedom and Focus. I may not know exactly where this road is taking me, but I can take charge of how I travel it. I choose to travel it with love, patience, health, and a big dose of wonder. And, I want my heart to be filled with daily awe and gratitude as I take action and hold myself accountable.

This is a view from the Retreat House across the yard to the lovely yoga/meditation studio and the Inipi is the little mound to the right.

The warm and welcoming Retreat House.

“The tobacco taste from the Chanupa is still on my tongue (reminding me of the experience). The stars are still in my eyes (showing me the infinite possibilities of the universe). Maybe most important of all, the smile is still in my heart (allowing the peace of the purification ceremony to remain within me). I will definitely participate in this experience again. ”

This is how I feel more than a week after my visit to The Higher Haven Retreat Center which included a sacred Lakota Inipi* ceremony also known as a sweat lodge. It was a deeply peaceful experience for me, like I called home a piece of myself I wasn’t even aware I was missing. When I saw the Facebook announcement come across my news feed, I signed up immediately, without overthinking it or talking myself out of it. Instead, I trusted my inner voice. It turned out to be the right ‘next’ thing for me on my journey.

There is something very comforting about the land, the retreat center, the Inipi*, and even in the host Paul’s presence at The Higher Haven Retreat Center. I am a person who usually requires the why and the deeper meaning behind, before I go all in, but in this situation I felt the need to just experience/ participate and not to question it so much.

You could say it called me home.

This winter sweat was a magical experience for me. The lingering tobacco taste on my tongue from the Chanupa* puts me right back into the velvety blackness of the tent. I can still see the faces in the lava rocks, feel the heat of the steam, smell the smoke from the fire, and hear the drum beat and Paul’s hauntingly rich voice fill my soul. In the sacred space of the Inipi* I connected with a primal part of myself, and while the inky blackness left me feeling separate in my experience, I also felt very connected to everyone in the tent and to all my ancestors. Is it silly to say that everything became clearer in the darkness? Because for me it did.

I have mentioned before I am able to see colors when I close my eyes, when I meditate or sit in stillness. Those colors are my way of tuning in and bringing myself home to my body, mind + spirit. For the first time EVER, I was able to experience what I normally do with my eyes closed, with my eyes wide open. I could watch my inner screen and share in the magic with my eyes fully open. It was unbelievably cool. Usually I feel closing myself off from the world leads me to my inner wisdom/vision, in this case it was like my own personal screen was the top of the tent. I am kind of glad no one could see the goofy smile on my face, or the tears that spilled when I realized the colors were all around me even with my eyes open.

Here is the prayer I gave in the darkness of the Inipi:

I ask the ancestors, guides, angels and loved ones to help me release everything that has held me back. To provide closure on the life lessons I have learned thus far, and to illuminate my next step. I ask for guidance, support and clarity. I especially ask for wisdom with the words I will write. I thank you for the healing, the insight, the support, patience and unconditional love I have been given on this night and throughout my lifetime.

After everyone shared their individual prayer(s) we replied with “Mitakuye O’yasin,” meaning “all my relations,” or “all are related.”

I went in with no expectations and left feeling as if I had experienced exactly what I needed. I know the others felt the same way. It may not have gone the way our host Paul had originally planned it, but we all learned that the beauty of surrendering to life as it is, is where the magic happens.

The whole experience; the meditations, the sweat, the quiet time away from electronic devices, making new friends, each piece was necessary to make me feel complete. I felt as if pieces of me came back and filled in the voids. When I left the sacred ground, I felt whole. Calm. Steady. Right.

If your spirit calls you to The Higher Haven Retreat Center, go. Experience it. It could be exactly what you need as well. Paul is doing another winter sweat on Saturday, Feb. 23. Click here for details.

*Inipi is a purification rite and is necessary in order to help the vision quest seeker enter into a state of humility and to undergo a kind of spiritual rebirth. The sweat lodge is central to Inipi. Prayers offered there draw on all the powers of the universe — Earth, Water, Fire and Air.

*Chanupa The sacred pipe and ceremony are at the very heart of the native people's culture as they travel the Red Road. Smoke coming from the mouth represents the truth being spoken, and the smoke coming from the pipe, a path for prayers to reach the great spirit.

This is Terri.

She used to be a control freak. She thought if she planned out her life, it would keep her safe.

Safe from embarrassment, failure, reprimand.

She spent lots of energy and time making sure she knew what came next and how she would deal with what came next.

She forgot how to live in the present.

She lost the joy that comes in the freedom of being.

The beauty of nature.

Taking a walk with no idea where you are going.

She lost touch with fun.

She forgot how to play.

She grew more and more desperate to be accepted.

She tried making everyone happy.

But then she only felt lonelier and lonelier inside.

She became an island.

Being an island was awful.

She reached out but no one would help her. Or so it seemed.

Everything new she tried just left her frustrated and to her horror she became a negative nelly.

She was everything she hoped she never was.

She grew darker. She hung on tighter to things she should have simply let go.

She tried harder. It only drove people further from her.

She swore she would do better, be better, and she set goals, to-do lists, and set out to make them happen.

When she realized that nothing was working. She gave up. She let herself fall apart.

Hit rock bottom.

And it was there in the dark she realized it was all up to her.

If she could remember who she was before the world told her she wasn’t enough, or wasn’t good enough, or needed to do it better, she might be able to turn herself around.

So she set out to find herself. Indeed, she gave herself permission to move way out of her comfort zone, to change her mind, to fail at things, until she was able to remember what made her happy.

What made her laugh. What made her cry tears of joy. What inspired her. What made her lose track of time. What calmed her when she was feeling overwhelmed.

In time, she began to remember trees held a magic power for her.

Freedom from a strict schedule allowed her the spontaneity to ignite her creativity.

Laughing at herself was so helpful to quieting her mean voice.

No one was perfect.

No one expected her to be perfect.

Everyone who truly mattered would accept her transformation from who she had become into who she was always intended to be.

She suddenly began to accept she was loved beyond measure.

She was worthy of all that she wished for.

She was intimately connected to the world.

She was supported by the universe and those she loved.

She mattered.

And she embraced herself.

Wrapping her arms around herself she began to believe in her own power again.

And she felt free to be herself for the first time since she could remember.

She had forgotten how good it felt to be fully in her own footprint.

I was lucky enough to be able to meditate in the woods today, and in my favorite magical spot despite the intermittent precipitation that fell from the sky in great wet globs. (I thought it was rain, but it looked like hail and felt like s-n-o-w). The protection of a large poncho kept me warm and dry as I hunkered down on a fallen log and tuned in. When I drew my oracle card this morning it told me who to call into my meditation to give me some direction, and they did not disappoint. This is what I heard:

People will have you follow rules they themselves have made, or been taught, because they are afraid to trust their own way. Do not fear following your inner guidance; it will never lead you astray. Ego, fear, greed, hate, or a need for power will lead you down the wrong paths. Believe in your goodness from within and listen to your higher self. Do not be afraid to do it your own way.

I have been struggling with what comes next for a while now. Loving the life I have created, cherishing the peace in my life— I still yearn for the elusive “more”. I came across this post I had written over four years ago now and it fit well with my message this morning, and just in case someone else needs to hear it, I am sharing.

Words from 2014……

Finding my faith again, my spirit.

That part feels so much better. I have connected with God again -- in my own way. And this time, it is good enough. No one will be able to tell me it isn't enough, or it isn't real. Because on that point I am fearless in my belief that what I believe, how I talk to God, how I pray, what I believe to be truth --is perfect. For me.

I don't look like you and I am not you, I am only me. And that means it is okay to find my unique path. My direct line to the creator, the universe, the Great Spirit is perfect just the way it is. I don't need you to okay it. To even believe it. Please don't judge me and make me feel bad for what I believe. We are all on our own unique journey to make sense of what we are taught and what we really believe.

I have stood firm in my beliefs (even as I continue to figure them out) to those who judge my version of faith simply because it is different than theirs. And they have walked away.

Nearly all of my life this kind of abandonment would have left me feeling like I had done something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough. Now I see that letting the wrong people into my sacred space might have been a miscalculation on my part--but it has also taught me a valuable lesson.

Some people are not ready to stand in their truth. Some are actually more fearful than I am. We are all at different points on our journeys to faith, no one is farther than anyone else ---just in different places. Some people will leap ahead only to have to stop and backtrack, some will plod slowly forward making progress, and some will stay in their endless loop, repeating lessons -- staying safe.

I will find my own path and I will be fearless in my faith.

I am Vibrant, Intuitive & Wise.

I crave Freedom.

I can't live without Love, Sun & Trees. And possibly potatoes (specifically french fries).

I want more Spontaneity in my life.

Stillness, Laughter and Nature fuel my soul.

My best self leads by example and empowers others to reclaim their personal power.

I believe in uniqueness and think in possibilities.

I often overthink especially at night when I am supposed to be asleep.

It still bugs me when people don't like me, yet I am learning to let it go.

My brain will remember random things about you, but totally forget your name.

I am a natural hostess often knowing what you need before you do.

I see colors behind my eyes and sense innermost feelings people do not express, which sometimes gets me into trouble. 

Objects, especially old ones, speak to me on a frequency I cannot understand but can feel in my body. As a result I avoid museums, antiques and old places.

Grounding and shielding have brought me more inner peace than I can ever explain.

I am inspired by children, confidence, nature and genuine kindness.

Yoga is my gateway to happiness and allowed me to reconnect with my true self.

Life used to be black and white for me, filled with judgment and comparison and ridiculous rule following. It was exhausting and frustrating. I have left all that in my wake.

I have learned no one has the right to make me feel small, less than or unworthy. My worth comes from within. When someone bullies, shames or ridicules me, it is about them trying to feel bigger.

When I cannot see the path ahead, the next step is inward.

I recharge by sitting or walking in nature, creating art, writing & resting in the sun.

I believe I have a purpose that is yet to be revealed.

Words are powerful and I love them! That is why choosing ONLY three words to live by for a whole year is super hard for me. I try to let the words choose me, which means I change my mind a lot, especially coming into the home stretch, the countdown to January 1.

I thought it might be helpful to look back and see where I have come from since I began this process in 2013. And to my surprise, even though it feels like I duplicate my intentions, so far I have not used any of the same words. Here is the framework of words that have shaped my last 5 years. I am hoping they might inspire you try this process and to choose your own three words to live by.

 2013 -- Simplify, Linger, Appreciate

2014 -- Clarify, Cultivate, Savor

2015 -- Freedom, Growth, Joy

2016 -- Express, Embrace, Create

2017 -- Illuminate, Trust, Thrive

What calls to me in 2018 are words that move me out of my safe zone and nudge me into a year of adventure and additional personal growth. I've been kind of coasting the last couple of years, really enjoying my life and being present to all its beautiful moments and now I feel the need for bit of change. You will see some new workshops scheduled at the studio so I can tap into the passion, talent and knowledge others are willing to share.

Here are my words for 2018: FOSTER, EXPAND & DARE.

Foster- to promote the growth of; to raise or rear; further; encourage.

Expand- to spread, stretch out; unfold; to express in fuller form or greater detail; develop.

Dare- to have the necessary courage or the boldness to try; venture; hazard.

I intend to foster my own growth and the growth of the studio and everyone who walks through our doors. I plan to expand my knowledge of holistic approaches to healing, and stretch myself into new directions becoming a student again. I promise to be bold(er) about sharing what my life's journey has taught me so far, either through my words, art or personal interactions. 

If you are interested in trying this process instead of setting resolutions destined to fail, I have a Three Words to Live By Workshop on Thursday, January 4 from 6-8 pm at the Studio. There is still room for more people to join, click here to sign up.

This process has not only worked for me, it has allowed me the freedom to grow organically in new directions and to be confident about changing my mind, and my direction, along the way.

I was recently reminded that things happen for a reason, and more often than not, differently than we expected them to.

I used to be a control freak, trying to plan out my days to finish my dreaded and daunting To Do list, bent on achievement. My self-care time was always put on hold until I finished this and that, or made headway on a certain project or idea. As a result, there was no me time for me to refuel and re-balance. It was not a thriving lifestyle, it was exhausting.

These days I have slowed it all down, my life, my list, my expectations--- everything. And yet I still crave more freedom, more spontaneity and more "me" time. How do I know? I made an I AM Vision Board this past weekend. It was a small group who showed up to tune in, but a powerful one. It gave me a chance to participate in the process and to recognize how making  time for yourself, to listen, to tune in, always unveils patterns we have missed.

Reading my own board, I recognize that my inner world is very peaceful now but my outer world feels messy, unorganized, stale. I crave more simplicity, less clutter, (some new home furnishings it appears) and relaxation time with no agenda.

Creating this unique roadmap for myself will allow me a chance to put forth the best version of myself, so my family, my students, my corner of the world gets the best "me" I can be. I look forward to the changes that will come as I use my vision board to guide my choices.

I am always humbled by the wisdom we all have within us, if only we make time to listen to it.

As the new year approaches we have a chance to wipe the slate clean again and start over. I highly recommend tune in time to make your own vision board, choosing your three words to live by (and not setting resolutions), and creating a framework for a year of growth and re-connection with your true/best self.

Next Vision Board opportunity with me is on Friday, December 8 from 6:30-9:30 pm. Check out the Soulistic Sisters events calendar for registration details.

I spent too much of my life at a job in a place that never wanted me, didn't appreciate me, who resented me even. Why did I stay so long in an environment that brought me down?

Looking back I should have left so many years earlier. I allowed the unhealthy workplace to eat away at my self-esteem, to make me question my worth, to make me feel as if I wasn't enough.

I should have walked out the first week, the first time I was demeaned by a coworker who thought they should be my boss. The first time I was pushed to tears. I don't do well with meanness, I never have, and I should have known if it happened to me on the first week of the job, it wasn't going to be an isolated event.

It continued to happen in little ways, and in big ways for 12 years. And I am sad to say, I let it. I should have walked away, dared to do something different, but I kept trying to fit in, to make it work, to fix it. It was a great place "on paper", and the job was something I could do and do well, and I loved the flexibility in my schedule. But it wasn't worth what I lost there. Underneath the pretend, I knew I wasn't welcomed by all, and trying to please, trying to prove my worth and be seen as valuable to those who would never care, was a huge waste of my precious energy.

Underneath the company's "make sure we look good from the outside" facade, was an inside filled with a good old boys network that I would never fit into. Women were second class citizens who did a lot of the work and who management allowed to be bullied by a small group of unhappy, negative male employees.

A leader, by dismissing his employees complaints or avoiding the awkward conversations to handle the inequities, in essence condones the bad behavior and allows the unfair, inappropriate bullying to continue to happen. Over time this creates an apathetic, unhealthy, unmotivated group of employees, led by the meanest of the mean. Any responsible, conscientious, highly sensitive person cannot survive unscathed working in a company with all that negative energy.

It certainly took a toll on me.

I stayed so long for several reasons; because I was scared to go elsewhere, because the flexibility of the schedule worked so well for me, and maybe deep down I wanted to prove them wrong.  I thought if I tried hard enough, they'd see my value. Therein was my biggest problem. Looking for value and recognition outside of yourself is always a recipe for disaster. No matter how great I tried to be, I was never going to hear what I wanted to hear from the management in that company, and it wore me down trying. I became anegative, critical, angry, overly sensitive shell of myself.

I am much stronger now, after several years away from that toxicity and lots of personal growth work. I was able to gain back my positivity, and my self-worth. Deep down I am still the same person I always was, but I now have confidence from within in my abilities and in myself again. If I were to have started at this place in my present state of mind, I would never have hung on so long. I would more than likely have never signed up to work there in the first place.

If life has you feeling negative, stuck, angry, sad, or numb -- take a look at it from all angles. Creating your ideal life is up to you. What situation in your life is dragging you down or making you feel you have lost your personal power? There is always a way out. Take it. You don't have to justify it to your parents, your siblings, your co-workers, or anyone else -- and don't let the naysayers tell you you can't just do what you love. They are the most stuck and will say things like that to keep you stuck as well. You can do what you love to do, if you dare.

It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else when you make changes to improve your life. If you feel the need to take a demotion, change your job or your career, say goodbye to a relationship that just isn't meant to be, or sell your huge house and live simpler, then give yourself permission to do it right now. The world will not see the full version of you, until you do. 

You have the reigns, you control the speed of your life and you choose where you work, who you stay with, where you live, and how you live. Stop listening to the advice of others who see your life from the outside as a completely different life than the one it feels like you are living inside. Shift that energy, disrupt the status quo and create your ideal life. I learned in the process that I was making life much harder than it had to be, by trying to change a broken system, to fit in where I wasn't meant to.

You deserve to be lifted up, not beaten down by the people surrounding you.  A good person, with good intentions, who has natural talent and deep sensitivity can find work or love or whatever you seek, but only if you trust in your own inner wisdom to lead the way.

Take that leap. Life is so much sweeter on the positive side.

Ever since I can remember, I craved control. It was the only way I knew to keep myself safe from making mistakes. I controlled my world to keep from being caught unawares. As a result, when my kids were younger and I was working full time, I kept myself (and my family) on a tight leash. Trying to be perfect doesn't leave much room for anything else.

I wasn't the type to be spontaneous, or to procrastinate, instead I was efficient and planned. I made lists and prided myself on checking things off as I accomplished them. It became an addiction of sorts, a worthiness booster to be organized and in control. I tried to always be ready, to be prepared for anything, to impress the world by looking like I had it all together. And sometimes I really did have it together, but the effort it took to maintain the control ate away at my happiness. And it gave more fuel to the mean voice which grew in my head, every time I fell short of perfect.

I really thought everyone lived with a mean voice, an inner critic like mine, who constantly pushed me to be better, to accomplish more, to never fail, to never give up, to never let anyone down, to be beyond reproach and who screamed about how stupid I was when I eventually screwed up. I now realize it isn't like that for everyone, and I was one of the (un) lucky ones who's inner voice took a negative and nasty turn.

Attempting to live beyond reproach is a slippery slope to navigate, primarily since it is IMPOSSIBLE. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone fails. If they don't, they aren't trying, heck they aren't really living, they are simply keeping themselves safe. No one is truly ever perfect, there is always something that can be improved upon, and hearing the helpful criticisms and suggestions given by those I was trying to impress, felt like mean jabs that lowered my self-esteem. Could they not see how hard I was trying?

"We put so much time and energy into making sure that we meet everyone's expectations and into caring about what other people think of us, that we are often left feeling angry, resentful and fearful." --Brene Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me

Desperate to hear the words I wanted to hear from others, I tried harder to attain that praise. Imagining if I was perfect, I'd hear what I wanted to hear. Yet no matter how good I got at things, my own mean voice often reminded me that I could have done it better, faster, righter: if only I had done this...or that. So I was never beyond reproach from my own inner voice, even if I had heard the words I wanted to hear from the outside.

You will never find your own worth if you search for it outside of yourself. Which is why in the end, I had a magnificent crash and burn mid-life crisis, and was forced to start the journey over.

Once upon a time on a cold day in November I took a walk and sobbed my way through the darkest thoughts I had ever had about not being enough, not being good enough, not being worthy of love, of praise, of all the things I had been given. I was convinced I had messed up my whole life, screwed up parenting, and I couldn't even get being grateful for all I had correct. I slogged through the darkest of shi* on that walk and came to decision that life as I had known it was over. I was going to take a leap of faith and jump in without a plan.

No more miss perfect, no more worrying about how it all looked from the outside, or how crazy people would think me to walk away from a good job, and a nearly 24 year industry career and start over. Worse yet, to leave without a real plan. The only plan was to not have a plan and instead learn to follow my heart. Life had gotten too hard, I had made it that way, and it was up to me to change it.

The first stop after quitting my career and walking away from all I knew, was to sign up to be a substitute teacher. I didn't ease into it that role either, I chose a two day middle school assignment as my first experience to move out of my comfort zone. It pushed me so far out, I nearly walked away from substitute teaching an hour after I started. But I stuck it out.

A friend actually saved me that day, he was working in the building and stopped by to check on me. He ate lunch with me, and calmed me down. He let me know it was okay to be scared to death, and making mistakes was natural, and convinced me no one would think less of me if I didn't come back for the second day.

To walk away would have been a bonafide failure in my book, so I stayed with that awful assignment and made it through day two, vowing to never return to that particular middle school. And all that spring I gave it my best shot, I took assignments in all grades from K - high school, special ed, phys ed, split level classrooms, I wanted the full experience. And I got it. Realizing only later, after school let out for the summer, that substitute teaching was really not my thing.

I had been keeping my life so controlled and safe it had been years since I had been brave enough to get out of my comfort zone, to allow myself to be lost, unsure, uncomfortable, and caught unawares. Since there was no way to plan your day during substitute teaching, or to follow the rules and do things "right" or perfect, as the rules changed in every school, and in every classroom (sometimes there were no lesson plans for me to follow at all), I was forced to stay in the moment. To just be myself and deal with whatever came my way in each unique situation. It was uncomfortable, especially for the control freak me, but the times I succeeded in connecting with the class, or feeling like I had actually had a good day, gave me a new sense of accomplishment. It started rebuilding my inner strength. I was no longer checking things off my to do list and judging my worth by accomplishment, I was learning to live in the moment and slowly beginning to believe in my worthiness again, from the inside.

For a person who didn't like messing up, I was forced to ask for help often, to own my mistakes, and to extend grace to myself when I handled things poorly. I not only learned to be more comfortable with making mistakes and letting go the reins of control, I learned to give myself a break and to begin quieting the mean voice inside.

If life has you stuck in a pickle, the only way out is through the darkness, through the mud one step at a time. Find the courage to begin within, start by crawling if you have to, and let the winds of change blow in their magic.

A couple of times recently I have been reminded that my life, my transformation back into the real me, is publicly out there on this blog when people I barely know have either asked me about it, commented on it, or referred to it. I am thrilled people have read parts of it and are intrigued enough to have questions. My whole journey began by writing it out. When I first yearned for something "more" in my life, I wasn't even sure what I was missing, I found myself writing it all out in a blog. It helped me organize my thoughts and uncover some of the feelings I was hiding deep.

It is also no secret one of my bucket list items is to write a book about my journey and what I have learned. Not to tell people "how" to do it, but to lead by example and encourage anyone they can change if they want to. My path will not ever be your path, yet some of the steps I took might help you. My roadblock seems to be in knowing how I should take what I have already written,  add in some additional thoughts, and combine them both into a book worth reading. I have always said I was a better editor than writer, but that seems not to be true in my own case.

How did I change my life? How did I transform from a rigid, unforgiving, perfectionistic, planned control freak into a freer, happier, live (a little more) in the moment me? It took a lot of inner work to shut down my inner critic, make some life (work) changes, step out of my comfort zone, and face my fear of failure head on. It took patience and trust and it took letting myself fall to rock bottom before I could see the way out. Maybe I should ask those who lived through it with me, to lend their perspectives? People I worked with, my husband, my children, my best friends. A lot of my most difficult work came from the inside. Because from the outside I faked it pretty well to those who didn't really know me. I was rarely a hot mess despite what was happening on the inside and was okay to have around (even if I was controlling) because I took charge and made things happen, running things smoothly and efficiently was my skill. But those who knew me well could see that on the flip side I was a fun sucker, lacked spontaneity and had a hard time deviating from my plan. I am determined NOT to be a fun sucker anymore. Ever.

I am still organized (in a lot of areas), that hasn't changed. And probably never will. But I know that once I quieted my inner mean voice, I found a softer side of me. I no longer want to watch life from my safe bubble, but to get down and dirty in it. To have some fun. To live in the moment. To stumble and fall, and get back up to try again. To allow myself to experience life and (if that means being the hot mess I once avoided at all cost once in while) then          so be it.

If I can change, I know if you really want to, you can too.

If you run from quiet, still, alone time, or find yourself easily bored when you do, you might be the perfect candidate to start where I did, with yoga. To me yoga is a moving meditation which uses breathing to bring a person into the present moment and put them back in touch with their body. It helped me stop overthinking, calmed my spirit and reconnected me with the inner wisdom I need to thrive. It reconnected me with 'me'. As I grow, my yoga practice grows with me. I have accepted that I will never be perfect and understand there is no "right" way to do a pose, only my way. Clearly yoga has helped me loosen up more than my hamstrings!

Your path will not be mine, but yoga is a great starting point for anyone. You may cross it off the list after trying it, or you may find like I did, that it can be a much needed lifeline to help guide you toward greater happiness and purpose. I'm teaching this summer -- ready to join me?

Namaste.

When she finally accepted she could not collect her self-esteem by being perfect in the eyes of the world around her...

she fell.

Hard.

The quest to find her missing worth had led her on a fast paced journey far far away from herself.

Her solution had always been to find someone outside of herself to give her the accolades she so desired, to find her worthy, valuable, lovable, and to fill up her bucket of self esteem with their praises. She searched for value from everywhere, because she was certain it would be enough to fill the hole within her.

Only after years of trying she came to see it didn't work that way. Finding meaning from outside of herself by doing things "right" was like trying to hit a moving target. She was never quite able to grasp it. What she heard from others was never enough to fill the great void within. She grew weary from the constant trying, and super sensitive to even the slightest of criticisms.

Certain that someone, somewhere would see her value if she just did things a little better, faster, smarter, she kept up the facade. For way too many years. She wanted the world to think she had it all together. But that was a lie, and deep down she knew it, and the weight of that knowledge was eating away at her happiness from the inside.

As she slowly realized she was coming undone, she fought even harder to hang on, as giving up was not an option for someone like her.

So she continued to search outside of herself for the answers, not knowing then that she was wandering even further from the person she had once been.

She stopped believing she was lovable. She stopped believing in herself. She stopped trusting that she had the answers. And that made her weak from the inside out. It gave rise to a voice so mean it drowned out the whispers of her spirit.

She looked for love in all the wrong places.

If only she had known there was one only place to start. Her own heart.

She needed to begin to love herself, embrace both the dark and the light parts of her, to begin healing.

It took the hard fall to the bottom of the well of self-loathing, and a large letting go/cracking open, to let the light of worth back in.

In the quiet darkness at the bottom of that deep well she was forced to turn inward. There was no one else to seek praise from in that darkness. She had to face herself. She had to look into her own heart. Did she even like herself anymore?

A quiet voice arose from the darkness.

You are worthy. You are loved. Everything is going to be okay.

The soft words of comfort began to warm her soul from the inside.

She understood then that failure was an option. It was how we learned. It was how we grew. It didn't mean the end, it was instead a new beginning.

She let go of the heaviest of baggage she had been carrying with her, the need to be perfect, the need to please, the need to constantly pick up her pace.

It didn't happen overnight, but she slowed things down, she turned inward, and she began to find herself, a few small pieces at a time. This time around she vowed to stop looking outside of herself for the answers, instead to trust her inner knowing for the next right step.

It was there she found her power. It had been right there all along. At the heart of herself.