On Becoming My Truest Self

Once I gave up the notion of happiness as a goal I needed to achieve, it was easier to find it.

I had, until my 50th year, resisted the natural flow of life and tried to chart my own course. I always had a plan. I always knew where I was going. I believed I had control.

Until I got where I was supposed to go and didn’t want to be there.

The years in-between then and now (just over 10 by the calendar), I have spent unlearning all my bad habits. While I still feel more comfortable with a loose plan, my life no longer revolves around making sure everything goes according to it. Things are a lot less structured and those once concrete goals I had, are better defined now as dreams.

Calling them dreams seems less daunting than setting goals, and I don’t feel the pressure to have to get them done. I never want to return to a life with a to do list that stretches a mile long. Since I crave freedom, I’ve taken to the practice of writing down one or two things that have to get done each day. And then I figure the rest will present itself as a top priorities on another day if they really need to get done.

When the voice inside of me tries to compare me to others, or to compare me to a younger version of me, I must gently quiet her. Today, this moment, is the only day I have that is guaranteed so, I need to live it. If I want french fries, a glass of wine, a nap, or to binge watch something on tv, I need to give myself permission. If it makes me happy and harms no one, I deserve it.

I used to stress about my material possessions, not wrecking my good towels, keeping my furniture in great condition, or keeping my nice clothes “nice”. Now I buy most of my clothes at goodwill and consider the scratches on my tables signs that life happened while seated around it. Scratches like scars, show a life well-lived.

I now trust that the Universe, God, has a plan for me and my job is not to know what it is, but to live as my true self and watch it all unfold.

When I feel myself grasping for a sense of control, I breathe deeply and remind myself that my job is simply to be happy. To be aware and open. To love fully without conditions, to trust all will be provided when I need it (including understanding) and to have the courage to be my full self without fear that others will turn away. And to accept that if they do, it is also okay. Not everyone is in my life to stay.

When things inevitably get tough, I pause to look at the situation from all sides, feel my way into my emotions, find the positives and uncover the lessons within the struggle. And then I peer a little deeper into it and ask if this lesson has been brought to my attention before. Am I repeating lessons? Am I being challenged? Have I learned the lesson yet and can I now let it go?

An underlying unease about not getting my fair share in life used to reside within me but has been replaced with the comforting thought there is enough for all. Scarcity is not an issue. The right people will be attracted to me, and I will be attracted to the right people. I will make the right decisions at the right times and do not need to ruminate on what if I had chosen differently.

All is well. All is happening as it should.

I have seen what happens when I cling to the wrong people or try to control situations or attempt to have all the answers. Some things aren’t supposed to be completely understood; just observed, acknowledged, and let go.

I let go my need for control and embrace life in all the little and big moments.

Instead of following a detailed life plan, I now have only one goal and that is to grow into the best human I can be.

I want to spread kindness and empower others to live life as their true selves.

I wish to lead by example, never asking others to do what I have not yet done or tried.

When I leave this life, I want to be proud of the person I was. It used to be that I looked outside myself for the affirmation that I was a good person, but I have since learned the kind of affirmation I really need is from within. Quieting my mean voice has given me so much more open space in my head to learn new things, explore the unknowns, and accept myself.

I appreciate each moment.

Each connection.

My eyes are wide open for the next lesson, not the next step.