There comes a moment (or three) in the adventure of life we call parenting that sends you to your knees in prayer, that rocks you to your core and makes you question what you thought you knew. I know this, as it has happened to me. And it has also happened to friends and family around me.
The perfect kid is never perfect, nor should they even be set up to be so. It seems likely in our busy, noisy, overwhelming world, our children and grand children will face some kind of negative situation much earlier in their life than we did. Hitting rock bottom and experiencing a dark night of the soul is becoming more a part of growing up than I ever thought it would be. Many of us adults have hit our own rock bottoms, but usually later in life, and to me it feels like today's children are falling sooner. Our youths have so much more information available to them, too much sometimes, to be able to make a clear headed decision about their future.
As a parent, instead of fearing this rock bottom, and doing everything in our power to divert our children from facing it, perhaps we should instead expect it will someday happen and prepare ourselves. We will need to respond with love, not react in fear, when the day comes. Without a clear grasp on who we are authentically, it will be difficult to remain calm, grounded, and settled when it is needed most. Our children are unique and separate souls, not extensions of ourselves. They need to make their own choices (good or bad). We cannot direct their life, keep them safe from everything they face, or smooth the road before them. We have to remember they are their own person and are on their own journey. No one can learn a lesson for someone else.
The world today is wide open with possibilities, and so it seems are our children. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to follow along as we learned to do. I have made many mistakes as a parent. My crippling expectations of myself, my own mean voice, hurt my children as well. How could I expect them to be the best versions of themselves if I wasn’t embracing my true self? If we are to support our children in the way they need, with unconditional love, we must love and accept ourselves first. That means we need to find time to work on ourselves, to heal our own wounds, to embrace our imperfect selves, to forgive our mistakes, and to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter how busy and distracting life is. For many years I was caught up in everything outside of me and I let my connection to my true self go. If your sensitive and intelligent kids are anything like mine, they will know when you aren’t being authentic and “walking your talk”, and that will muddy the waters between you even more.
As our children grow up our job as parents becomes less about keeping them safe and more about helping them find their true and unique selves. The world is ever changing and our belief systems, or what we have been taught by generations before us, will likely not resonate with this younger generation. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to make the same decisions we did. How different would my decisions and my life be if I had had access to the different perspectives and loads of information that is now available at our kids’ fingertips? The course of my life was directed by what was expected of me, not by who I was or what I believed in. Our world isn’t like that anymore and we need to accept that. What helped my family heal was for me to become comfortable in my own skin, to be authentic to who I was at my core, and to start leading by example and walking my talk.
I am not proud of some of my own parenting decisions, but I have mostly forgiven myself for those mistakes. I am very grateful I had the courage to lead myself out of the mess I had become, to show my children that it is not only okay to fail, it is inevitable, and how we respond after that fall is what matters. Learning from our mistakes is part of the journey.
If your grip is too tight, if your days and nights are filled with worry, if your expectations are never met, you might be showing your little ones too much of the dark side of you. There is still time to transform into the authentic you, to live in your true light, and to be a beacon of hope for them in the darkest times. I believe if you find your true self and reconnect with your own home base, you will lead by example and become the safe haven your kids need most.