Image: freelancefolder.com

I woke up this morning when I heard a door down the hall open and close. I looked at the clock, it was 6:12 am. My alarm was set for 6:23 but going back to sleep seemed pointless. So I stayed warm under the covers listening for the sounds of a house waking up, until it was time to get out of bed.

I expected to hear water from a shower in the basement. I didn't. Darn kid, I thought, he went to bed promising to take a shower in the morning (even though I would have preferred he took one after he got home from rock climbing last night---rock walls are full of ick).

As I made my way downstairs I mentally prepared myself to be a little disappointed that he was heading off to school "dirty" and with greasy hair. I despise greasy hair.

But I did not mentally prepare myself to start off the day with a lie.

"So did you shower?" I asked, pretty sure I already knew the answer.

Yep.

"Oh, great", I thought to myself, maybe I only thought I hadn't heard the water running. Why do I always expect the worst?

Wishing him a quick "good day"  and a "see you later for conferences" I headed down to the shower myself.

First clue that something was not quite right: Bath mat was in the same position I left it the night before. What are the odds of that?

Second clue: There was not a drop of water on the walls, floor or door of the shower. It's got to be close to impossible to take a shower and leave no visible sign, especially in 10 minutes....

Third clue: Water in shower once I turned it on, came out freezing cold (it would have been warm if it had already been used once that morning).

I ran to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up : "You did not shower!"

Instead of admitting to the stupid lie right then and there, he went and made things worse. He lied again.

"Yea, I did, at like 6:00 am." He shot back.

(As if I was stupid enough to believe that the shower would have dried out in 30 minutes).

Why do my kids think I am so clueless?

"You got up at 6:12, no way did you take a shower at 6:00," I hollered up now irritated that this whole conversation was even happening.

I have posted before that I hate lies. Lies are ugly. Lies, whether they are big ones, little ones, white ones or green ones, are wrong. They change the dynamic. They hurt people.

I start out by giving someone the benefit of the doubt, trusting, believing, having your back--until you hit me with a lie.

Admitting to a lie right off, shows me a bit about your character. The guilt, which normally hits a person in the gut as the lie rolls out, should be obvious in your immediate apology after getting caught.

But making the lie worse, by adding to it, also shows me a bit about your character. Now I see how easily you added onto that lie, indicating your capacity for deceit, and  lack of guilt.

Guess what? Now, I don't trust you.

If you are willing to lie about a little thing like a shower, then you might be willing to lie about big important things. In my mind, you are now more apt to lie again, and what if you've already been lying to me?
So what happens next? I will watch closer, look for signs of other lies, I can't help it. I wanted to trust you, darn it, completely, totally... but now we will have to work to build up that trust again.

It's not impossible or anything, all hope is not lost, it will just be harder. It just requires more work on both our parts.

"Why did you lie about taking a shower?" I asked.

His response was: "it was just a shower."

NO, it was just a lie. And that is a whole different story.

Get a life already.

How many of you have silently shouted that at your husband?

It seems to happen about the same time the kids grow up and leave the nest. Women who are used to being “busy” taking care of all things kid related, suddenly realize they have more time to themselves. Time to devote to that hobby they have always wanted to take up. You know, knitting, photography, a new fitness routine, yoga, learning to play a musical instrument….whatever the activity is, it usually means they are getting out and meeting some new people. And are finding some excitement in that freedom and space.

They'll no doubt be meeting people who are like minded, so that can mean instant excitement, instant new friends. Instant good feelings about themselves especially if they discover the new hobby is something they are really good at!

So why isn’t your husband excited for you?

Instead of loving the fact that you are now able to have time for yourself and are doing something you enjoy, your husband may react a little strangely. He may cling.

Okay that’s probably the LAST thing you want your husband to do, you want him to go off and find a hobby he is interested in, right? You don’t want to be responsible for his happiness too, that’s just like taking care of kids. And you just got done with that.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s different for guys when the kids leave the nest. Guys want more time with “us”. They’ve been waiting for the kids to grow up and leave the nest, so we will then have more time for them.

Whoops. That doesn’t work very well when all we want is time to do what we want to do.

I think that as a woman, I have always been under the impression that guys have more time and more freedom to pursue their interests while the kids are young. Even if you have a great husband, who in turn is a great dad, they still have a lot less to take care of in the house. Yard work, and a Honey Do List does not equal out years of being responsible for the “house”. With the house comes the laundry, the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning and the shopping for new clothes as the kids grow up and out of theirs. Not to mention the time spent on holidays, school activities, carpooling, and other things women, even working women, are responsible for all the time.

So if you find yourself feeling flabbergasted by your husband's reaction, what should you do? First, examine the why he might be feeling that way. Is he afraid of change? Is he afraid your changing will take you away from him? Maybe he is just realizing that as you change, he needs to change, too. Scary stuff if you are not ready for that.

I know many women get angry and start pulling away even further, clinging to their new found independence, new body, new friends, whatever…..and that probably makes it worse for their already worried husbands who aren't quite sure how to deal with the changes in their wives.

So communicate with him sooner, rather than later. Just because you are finding a new passion, or learning something new doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with him. He might feel just a teeny bit threatened by the independence and confidence you are gaining. Let him know that it isn't necessarily that you are bored at home with him and your normal routine, although that can be part of it for some, you just feel the need to pursue something you are passionate about and now have time for. I firmly believe that you deserve this time, need this time to make you a better, stronger, and happier spouse. And I get that you want him to understand this, and either find something exciting to do on his own, or be excited for your new endeavor and pick up the slack at home.

It is never easy, this changing of roles, this first adapting to having kids, then adapting to taking care of them, then reevaluating when they are gone, and sometimes having to adjust to their return. (This part seems to be happening a lot lately).

But if you love your husband you will figure out a way to navigate this together. Remember the reason you were attracted to him in the first place? It is still in there, under the clingy "ness" and behind the worry. Help him find his comfort zone with your new changes, communicate your desires and expectations, let him know that he still has a place, a very important place.

If you talk honestly and are willing to consider things from his perspective, he will do the same for you. It might be a really good time to clean house a little, let go of feelings you've been harboring, start this new phase of life off with a clean slate. Maybe even try doing some new things together with your "free" time.

I'm positive they call them "golden years" for a reason. How are you going to spend yours?

Photo credit: Laurie Labadie (I swiped this from her fb page, hope she doesn't mind).

I attended the funeral celebration of the mother of a dear friend today. I say celebration because that is what it really felt like. A celebration of a life well lived. Her rather large family (8 brothers and sisters) were all there to send her mom off to heaven, mainly with smiles on their faces, for they knew she was ending up right where she was meant to be. With her husband, dancing on heaven's streets.

My friend, Laurie, gave a eulogy for her mom. It was perfect. Perfectly executed, perfectly written. I wouldn't have changed a thing. What a great tribute to the mom she loves.

As I sat there watching her poise, beauty and charming delivery at the podium, it reminded me of a time years ago when we took the podium together at a book show. We were the featured speakers, I think we were all of what 27 then (maybe)? I can tell you our delivery back then was nothing like hers was today.
Her mega watt personality came through, as did all of what she was trying to say. There were a couple tears, but my goodness, how can you not have tears when saying goodbye to your mom! They didn't detract one bit from her message, in fact I would venture a guess it only made what she had to say more special to those of us listening.

I spoke once many years back at my grandma's funeral. I know for sure I did not do it as well as she did, nor were my words nearly as inspiring. With what seemed like little effort (but I know she was up most of the night editing and rewriting) she let that crowd know who her mom was, shared some funny family history, and by examples showed us her mom was no ordinary person. What she didn't have to spell out for us is that her mom (and dad who passed away years ago), left behind a huge legacy of family. It was obvious to everyone as all the children's children, and their children, filed up the aisle to put roses in a vase at the altar and bow to her casket. W. O. W.

 I doubt if there was anyone in that room who wasn't inspired to wish to leave behind a legacy as bountiful as that of Doris Popma. Or that didn't get teared up at the beautiful sight. All those people from one loving couple. Cool.

My friend, I love you. Your mom and dad are looking down on you with smiles on their faces and pride in their hearts.

And strangely enough, I am sitting here with pride in mine for you as well. What an awesome way to celebrate your mom's life.

The day I returned from my OBX vacation, a lie rocked my world. This lie came from someone in my own home, someone who up until that time, had proved to be of excellent character. That is why it made this incident, all the worse. It caught me so off guard.

No-- it didn't help that it came on the heels of a week away, because returning to the real world after a break is always tough. But this just made it seem like the real world stepped up to slap me, as if to say what made you think you deserved some time away.

I think I was in shock for the 24 hours after discovering that my child had spent every single penny he had earned over the summer, dipped into his savings for overdrafts, and cashed his overage from his college loan to buy paint ball supplies on Craig's list and E-bay. Holy lotta paintball supplies. Almost enough to pay for the driveway we have been desperately saving to replace.

And then I got all emotional. I was both sad and mad and well, heartbroken. I was completely devastated that my unwavering trust in this person, was now compromised. How could this have happened? Didn't he know better? Of course, he knew better.

That he had so completely and irresponsibly spent all the money we had counted on him to have to take care of things like books for school, oil changes, car repair, gas...was inconceivable to me. Yet, there it was on the bank statement in front of me, the cold harsh reality. It made me sick to my stomach.

Where had I, had we, gone wrong? What had we failed to teach him about being responsible? About always having a fall back, a just in case. What should we have done differently to prevent this?

And right on the heels of all those questions came the even bigger question. What makes me think I can take on the "parenting" of two other kids, when I am doing such a lousy job with my own? In rolls the huge truck filled with self doubt and dumps me a load. I wonder, do you ever stop feeling the sting from your children's mistakes? Do you ever stop taking it personally?

It took me a while to figure out, this isn't about me. Or how I parent. This mistake was his and his alone. He knew better. He knows better. Making mistakes is a part of life. It will be his life lesson.

And as life lessons go, we are lucky that no one was hurt, no irreversible damage was done, except maybe to the lining of my stomach. Since I was once given a second chance, I believe in them. I know that we can move forward and that trust (and his bank account) can be built back.

Yesterday's Daily OM has a lesson we all should remember:  "Your word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions."

Speak the truth, even if it isn't always the easiest path. Even if it means owning up to our actions, admitting we made a mistake and asking for help. In the end, the truth is all we really have. Protect your word. Live honestly.

Here is the full post from Daily OM that inspired me to share this story that I am fairly certain my boy did not want me to share. Sometimes, the truth hurts. I love you honey.

Daily OM: Power in Honesty

Staying True to Your Word

Your honest word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions.

Promises are easily made. Keeping them often proves more difficult because when we are pressured to strive always for perfection, we find it simpler to agree to undertake impossible tasks than to say no. Likewise, there is an infinite array of circumstances that conspire to goad us into telling falsehoods, even when we hold a great reverence for truth. When you endeavor to consistently keep your word, however, you protect your reputation and promote yourself as someone who can be trusted to be unfailingly truthful. Though your honesty may not always endear you to others—for there will always be those who fear the truth—you can nonetheless be certain that your integrity is never tarnished by the patina of deceit. Since frankness and sincerity form the basis of all life-enriching relationships, your word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions.

When we promise more than we can deliver, hide from the consequences of our actions through falsehoods, or deny our true selves to others, we hurt those who were counting on us by proving that their faith was wrongly given. We are also hurt by the lies we tell and the promises we break. Integrity is the foundation of civilization, allowing people to live, work, and play side by side without fear or apprehension. As you cultivate honesty within yourself, you will find that your honor and reliability put people at ease. Others will feel comfortable seeking out your friendship and collaborating with you on projects of great importance, certain that their positive expectations will be met. If you do catch yourself in a lie, ask yourself what you wanted to hide and why you felt you couldn’t be truthful. And if life’s surprises prevent you from keeping your word, simply admit your error apologetically and make amends quickly.

Since the path of truth frequently represents the more difficult journey, embarking upon it builds character. You can harness the power of your word when you do your best to live a life of honesty and understand what motivates dishonesty. In keeping your agreements and embodying sincerity, you prove that you are worthy of trust and perceive values as something to be incorporated into your daily existence

Are you ever surprised at how fast life goes by?

Remember when you were a kid and summer felt like it lasted forever, hot August days, sprinklers, Popsicles, hopscotch, seemingly endless time to do whatever you wanted?

Although realistically I never expected that my entire life would be like that, I did think there would be times when it felt like that again. Little did I know how wrong I was. Not only did I never experience the carefree "ness" of being a kid in the summer, but life for me has never slowed down.

I always figured at some point it would. First there was working in high school to pay for car insurance, and college and clothes. Then it was working in the dorm at college and working full time the summers in between. Then came college graduation and a career. There were no endless summers, only endless hours of work instead.

I got married young, and maybe there were a few years of "time" to myself, which actually translated to time to "ourselves" because once married, you kind of do things as a unit. But newbie workers don't get summers off, or even much more than a week of vacation to play with. So time rolled on by.

Then there was buying a house or two, working to save money to fix them up, or get them fixed up, and then bam, children arrived.  And I won't even talk about how fast those years go by. You stop thinking about summers altogether, and think of making it through each day (or night) with your sanity intact and your babies safe and well cared for.

It seems to happen overnight, the change from the physical of running around after your kids, picking their toys up, keeping them in clothes that fit, arranging play dates, to all the responsibility that comes with kids in school.

That begins a whole new set of challenges and a whole new schedule you need to adjust to.  Homework, school functions, volunteering at school to make sure you know who their friends are. Not to mention the after school activities and sports you need to get them to. Busy busy busy.

And then, all of a sudden your "kids" are grown men or women, not "kids" anymore at all. And you think hooray, it's time for life to finally slow down. You've raised them, taught them, provided for them, tried to motivate them by example....now they're off on their own and things will slow down for you right?

Wrong again.
Why didn't someone tell me that it doesn't work that way? That time actually goes faster as you age.  How is that even possible?

I wish I could slow it all down. I long for endless summers. I can smell the fresh cut grass, remember the feeling of the hot cement under my towel, kick ball games in the street, boredom.

But the reality is, I can't slow it down. No one can.

Which makes it even more important to savor every good moment. Even if life goes by too fast, we need to focus on what counts, and let the little things that stress us out, go.

Easier said than done, believe me, I know.

Slow down you move too fast. That song just keeps running through my head.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM]

It's been quiet on my blog for almost a week now. It doesn't mean I haven't been writing, but it does mean I have been too busy to get my words down in blog form. I have been reading in my "spare" time, actually it should be called "sparse" time for me lately. There is a lot going on at my house, a lot of life lessons are being taught and certainly there is the adjustment to living in a house of six.

What a person chooses to do for a living is a big deal these days. Maybe for the younger generation choosing "what" you want to do for a living is an even bigger deal. It seems no one is sure of  their direction anymore. And those that start off in one direction, are finding themselves changing their minds mid-stream. That can be a very unsettling feeling, when your path is not clear it becomes a lot easier to venture off course. To get sidetracked, distracted, and to feel a little stuck.

No longer is it enough for most people to just "work" to live anymore.  They want to do something meaningful, heck, they want to make a difference. Growing up I know I changed my mind about what I wanted to be when I grew up many times. I wanted to be a psychologist, an archaeologist, a broadcast journalist... and finally a writer. I ended up, obviously, as none of the above.

But I cannot complain abut the career path I chose. I have spent many years in a career that I have loved. I was able to use my mad people skills, and my other strengths: organization, efficiency, hostessing along the way. The job suited me. I got to be "me." I got to spend time with creative people, who have never ceased to inspire me with their talent and visions. And I am an idea person. I like to look forward. I like to try to make things work better, always coming up with ideas, reshaping and refining them, and implementing. I even like taking control of the nitty gritty details needed to carry out an idea. There's something so satisfying about checking stuff off my to do list.

These days I am never bored. Ever. If there is quiet time, my brain goes wild with ideas, and blogposts and okay sometimes worry. But this is a recent development. I think my heart and brain have finally aligned and are telling me, I need to change things up. I need more. I want more. I deserve more.

A new friend suggested I read the book, No More Dreaded Mondays, by Dan Miller and it is convincing me that I don't have to feel the way currently do. I can be inspired and have passion in my work life again. Awesome.

Feeling bored, stuck or uninspired? Read the book. Who knows, it may change your life.

How many of us really love our bodies?

Hmmm I thought so.

We all have parts and pieces of our body that we consider "flawed". You know the part (s) of you that you  think could be better? I know you know what I am talking about.

The waist that is not skinny enough, the thick ankles, the stretch marks, those ears, that thin upper lip, that nose, that tiny chest. Whatever it is, everyone has something they'd change if they could.

But are they really as big of flaws as we think? Or is it just the way we perceive our own body.

Heck let's face it, we are so mean to ourselves.

While we may give others a break on their figure flaws, like the woman at the beach in the bikini who really shouldn't be wearing a two piece at all. We think to ourselves, wow, how awesome that she is so confident in her own skin and dares to wear that, giving her credit for the strength, not the flaw.
Again, we see the pluses in others.

Why is it so much easier to see past the imperfections of others, yet beat ourselves up about our own?

If you are anything like me, I totally zero in on my flaws, and maybe even exaggerate them to much larger proportions.

I have this friend who is absolutely beautiful. She is drop dead gorgeous. But she thinks her thighs are too big. She won't even let them make the slightest appearance in a photo. It's almost an obsession.

I want to tell her to stop the madness. To just zip it. To love her body, with all its perceived imperfections, right now, 100%. Stop seeing "flaws" that no one else sees. Give yourself a break.

Soon enough, I'm afraid, she will wish that she had those thighs back again. Because it seems to me that as you age, your imperfections only get worse and new ones crop up faster than you can even keep up with.

Almost without warning things can go south. You can go grey, like overnight. Well okay not really overnight, but it seems that way. Or you look down and your once sexy knees all of a sudden have droopy skin hanging around them, think elephant skin. Oh my gosh when did I get old lady knees? And let's not even talk about the big boob droop. (That can happen even without breastfeeding.)

I have always complained about my lack of a waist line. Only to discover in looking back at pictures of my younger self, I once actually did have a waist line, and just never appreciated it. Now it is long gone. Why didn't I make the most of that little bit of waist indentation I had way back then? Because I didn't appreciate my body. I wasn't nice to myself. I just didn't know how someday I'd actually have to figure out ways to cover up my lack of waistline, thank goodness for low rise jeans.

I want to yell at my friend and tell her that her thighs fit her perfectly. And that even if she thinks they are a little big, no one is looking at them anyway. Her back, shoulders, upper arms and tiny waist are the most gorgeous things ever. If only she could see what I see, and what the rest of the world sees. She'd let every picture of her thighs and the rest of her body make it onto Facebook, without hesitation.

So my advice to all of you is to please take it easy on YOURself. Love what you have. Embrace those imperfections. Flaunt your strengths... while you still have some.

In other words, be nicer to yourself.

You know like Curious George. Only I don't get into nearly as much trouble as he did. Thank goodness.

So what did you learn today?

A life lesson? A new skill? Something about yourself you never knew before?

C'mon there has to be something...

Every day is a new day. That means, a new opportunity to learn.

I am a seriously curious person. I love to learn.

For example, today I went on an off road jeep tour in search of wild horses, and I could not stop myself from asking the tour guide a ton of questions.

 We saw a lot of horses taking drinks in the many puddles. Notice the hitch-hiker bird?

I was really curious. I have read many books that take place in North Carolina's Outer Banks (OBX). Stories of crabbing in the Sound, of sea turtles, of sailing, of pirates, of family beach houses....and I just wanted to "know," you know?

Okay maybe you really don't, but I always seem to want to know.

Turns out our guide (he was just a kid) was originally from Kitty Hawk and was happy to answer all my questions. I learned that the Sound that far north in NC is fresh water,  not a combo of salt and fresh water like I assumed, and the fresh water is fed by two Virgina rivers. There were islands that I could see in the distance and Mike, our guide, said that you could walk all the way out to them, the water might only be knee high, even though it looks like it could be as deep as a lake from our elevated dune view. (It is full of snakes and crabs and other unmentionables, so there is no way I'd brave going into it). Ever.

 See, from on top of the dune, it looks like the Sound is a big ole' lake.

We traveled to find the horses via Highway 12 (which is really not a highway at all, but a long flat stretch of beach) that people drive on like a road. Now that is something to see. People park their lawn chairs in the middle of the highway and set up camp. What?

Two of my housemates thought I should try to take my minivan out on that "road" yesterday, but I am pretty sure that off roading is not in my van's vocabulary, remember my Parking 101 fiasco, so I smartly declined. I wasn't about to risk needing a tow way out here in the OBX.

 This is a picture of Highway 12 taken from my seat in the moving jeep.

Mike, the guide, said people used to be able to travel Highway 12 north from NC all the way to the Virgina line, but now that is illegal, unless you lived here before 1978 and are grandfathered in. Then you can take Highway 12, aka the beach, the short distance to Virginia. Once in Virginia, Highway 12 becomes a nature preserve, and if you get caught trying to cross the border into it, you are fined.

I could go on and on about all my newly gleaned knowledge, but suffice it to say I learned a lot.

To get back to the point of this post.... every day is a new opportunity to learn.

Think about that. So true. You need to pay attention to every opportunity that comes your way, take advantage of every chance to ask questions, be curious and open to whatever comes at you. Just in case.

Because you wouldn't want to miss "it".

"It" might be your new direction. Your passion. Your path. Your new opportunity. So pay attention. And learn something new every day. Just one thing. Who knows, it could change the course of your life.

P.S. I have been using my time here in OBX to learn to use the manual setting on my camera. It is not easy, and some parts feel a little like math to me. Ick. But I am so lucky to have this beautiful place and this week all to myself to just practice. And learn.

 Playing around with my camera at the beach.

So what did you learn today?

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 The name of our house in OBX

In case you did not know, I am on a week long trip with 7 other girls, whom I do not really know, far far from home.

That’s extremely weird, even for most people. For me, it is way out of my comfort zone. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that going on this vacation is not what I would normally  choose to do. Pretty sure even my husband thinks I am nuts.

But choose it, I did.

I do not travel well. In fact, I do not make a habit of going anywhere, except to my cottage. So for me to choose a week long trip, away from home, with people I do not know, is a huge shocker.

 View of the Atlantic ocean on a cloudy day.

A look in the opposite direction.

I am currently alone, with 7 others, in the outer banks of North Carolina. By the way… to dispel any rumors, it is still here after hurricane Irene.

When on vacation, I am usually the one in charge. The one who has everything under control. The one who makes people feel comfortable and who keeps things moving smoothly. Groceries are plentiful, food is planned, fixed, eaten, cleaned up, and people are relaxed and happy.

 Even on a cloudy, windy day the ocean is beautiful And loud.

Not this time. This time, I am taking a back seat. On purpose.

And, it feels really good.

There are times in life when you need to do what you need to do.

 View off our back deck of the Currituck Sound.

This time, it is all about me.

(So then why the heck did everyone eat my tuna fish?)

Because I believe in sharing the good, the bad, and the sometimes unexpected things that happen in life, I wrote an article about my failed endometrial ablation and the hysterectomy I ended up with last spring. It posted yesterday on The Mode Life, a group blog that started in Grand Rapids earlier this summer.

Oh, a heads up to the guys who regularly read my blog, you may not want to venture over there for this one....it is, after all, an article about girl parts. Here is the link to the article No More Periods.

P.S. I'll be contributing over at The Mode Life regularly, and it won't always be about girl stuff, so please stop on over and check us out.

This week was a busy one at our house, thus no new blog posts.

I started off for work on Tuesday a little down in the dumps. After all, Labor Day signifies end of summer fun in cottage speak. Most of my neighbors pulled in their docks, took out their boats, and some even closed up their cottages for the winter. Winter, wasn't it just the start of summer? It always makes me sad.

On top of that happening, I got news I didn't want to hear on Sunday night, about an idea of mine that wasn't going to happen, well at least not going to happen in way I had begun to think it would. So I had to swallow that disappointment and regroup.

And then the daunting prospect of back to school. Last year was not a good school year, all around. And back then I only had one kid at home. Now I am looking at 4 kids in school. I know that I don't have to  help with their homework or even nag them about it, but I do feel I have to at least attempt to keep them on track. That gives me a headache just thinking about it.

It's a bit of a struggle for me to let go of a clean house, too. I am used to working on all "the other stuff" I like to do, like blogging or reading other blogs, when all my house work is finished. The only problem now, with 6 of us in the house, is that my work is never finished. And that doesn't even include all the deep cleaning or closet reorganization that needs to happen. That thought right there totally overwhelms me.

Photo Credit: Mercedes DeJesus

I was then pleasantly surprised when I met a friend of mine for lunch on Tuesday. I was catching her up on life-as-I-know-it, explaining how my almost empty nest had grown to a full house rather quickly. She listened, and empathized with me, she let me vent a bit, and then she offered practical help.

She said she had a bag of clothes her son had recently outgrown, one that was headed for Goodwill, and wondered if they might work for Jeff.

Such a simple thing really. Why not? I send clothes to Goodwill all the time. Most of them are ones we have either outgrown or grown tired of, so why not give them to someone who might be able to use them right now. I never would have thought to ask.

Maybe her offer, because it came from her heart, a way she could help lessen my burden, meant so much to me because I hadn't asked for it. Whatever the reason, it turned my attitude around. I realized that even though I sometimes feel like I am in this alone, I really am not. I am supported by people who care about me, who care about the children I have taken in, and who are there to help.

I am usually not one to ask for help. I am usually the helper. The one who steps in to help "fix" things for someone else. But she reminded me that it is okay to be the one in need. And maybe even showed me that I need to start asking for some help at home.

 The newest additions to our family, Sadie and Jeff.

I took the clothes home to Sadie's little brother, and he can use all but one shirt! That is fantastic news for him and for the rest of our house. And to make it even better... my friend's coworker said she has clothes that her daughters were giving to Goodwill, that might work for Sadie.

I am stunned at the kindness from this stranger.

While I can't promise I won't have other days where I am feeling overwhelmed, I can tell you that their generosity has turned my frown around. I even got Sadie and Alec to each make a dinner for the family later last week. Because I asked. And I think they were secretly happy to do it.

Thank you MJ for making me see the bright side once again and for helping me to believe that I really can do this.

If you liked this post, you may also like:

Welcome To Our Family
I Hope This Time I Will Be Wrong
June Cleaver I am Not, But Where Have All The Real Mothers Gone

The perfect gift. Visit your local bookstore or Amazon.com for your own copy of She.

My friend Jenn gave me a book for my birthday back in 2007. I had pretty much forgotten all about it. Until a few days ago when I was reached up to pull my thesaurus off the shelf, and a slim pink spine caught my eye. It was the book She… by Kobi Yamada.

Curious, I opened it and read. Immediately the first page said something that caught my attention.

She loved life and it loved her right back. Celebrate her passion.

She listened to her heart above all the other voices. 

Celebrate her wisdom.

As I read on, all I could think was: holy cow, was this book written for me?

It is an easy read…more like an inspirational book, and less like a novel. But back when I first received it, it didn’t really speak to me.

I wasn’t yet at the point where I could see myself for who I really was or appreciate the person I had become. I hadn’t yet grown up. This time it was completely different. It didn’t take long to realize the book was not only speaking right to my heart, it was about “me”. And it is about “you”.

She is for all women; your mother, daughter, grandma, sister, best friend, lady in line behind you at the grocery store, every woman. Read She. Or better yet, buy it, read it, and give it someone you love. I plan to. Hopefully one day that woman will be able to love the person they have become, like I did.

My friend Jenn was way ahead of me, her heart was open long before mine was. She was trying to tell me something back then that I wasn’t quite ready to hear.

I’m listening this time, and Jenn, I hear it! Thank you for seeing in me, what I wasn’t ready to see in myself, your gift of She might be the best birthday present I ever got.

XO,

Terri

Make  a wish...

I have often said, be careful what you wish for.

Last year, at this time, my oldest Alec was beginning his freshman year of college at MSU. That left Mike and me home alone with our youngest son, Mitch. Not quite yet considered an empty nest, it certainly was a quieter house.

I was not only sad, but a bit out of sorts.

I was so full of emotion that I was unable to do anything. I was stuck. There was no blogging from me for several months, no forward motion at all. I cried at weird times, and I felt numb.

I found myself wanting more time with Alec. I wished for more noise in the house. I hoped Alec's friends, whom had in weird ways, become my friends too, would stop by again. Selfishly I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, my house filled with activity and teenagers.

There was a lot of quiet time and I began to ask myself the question, Who am I now?

For so long I had been just “mom”, I did what mom's do: nagged, shopped, cleaned, cooked, and organized my way through a week. I attended band concerts and sporting events, PTSA Meetings, conferences, volunteered backstage for the high school musicals, you know, the typical mother stuff.

Them Bam! One day I woke up and I was no longer needed in the way I had become accustomed to. I had become an almost extra in both their lives. Everyone could get where they needed to go, without me. They began to navigate their own way through dealing with teachers, and colleges, and employers, without me.

They had grown up. Was it really overnight?

For a lot of women, me included, this new phase of life can be very scary. Very turbulent. Life changing. With more available brain power to devote to "me", it was time I began to figure out what I wanted to be When I Grew Up. Let me just say, it was easier to do all that mom stuff than it was to answer this question. I needed to relearn how to be "me" all over again.

It's a weird place to be.

Suddenly coming face to face with the “rest of your life”,  makes a lot of people take stock of things. They scrutinize not only themselves, to see how far down their bucket list they've gotten, but also the person they are spending that life with, and maybe the company they work for, too. Maybe it involves a life changing decision like reentering the workforce after years of being a stay at home mom.

Whatever situation you find yourself in, most of us take a good, hard look at ourselves. And some may not like what they see.

I began to wonder if I had made a difference. Am I happy in all parts of my life?

I realized I wasn't 100% happy. I wanted to make more of an impact, create more of a legacy. I wanted to find passion in my work life.

Since then, I have taken many steps out of my comfort zone and toward a future with meaning. It is a slippery slope, the wondering if you are too old to offer another employer any desirable qualities. The wondering if you should just wait things out until retirement, continuing to stay in what you know.

Surprisingly this reevaluation of "me" has led to a whole lot of positivity in my life. It isn't always easy to remain open to the possibilities, especially if the future is hard to see. I still don't know where I am going, but this shift in my thinking is super energizing. And kind of fun.

Once you get past the fear that is.

So, back to the being careful what you wish for part...

Looking back to one year ago, and my wish for what used to be,  a busy house, a full house, I now have to laugh. Remember that almost empty nest I talked about… you know, the one with only one child at home?

There are four here now.

Alec changed his major and switched schools, from MSU to GVSU. He'll be staying at home this school year. Mitch is a senior in high school, and exciting things will be happening for him from here on out. Plus he made some great new friends this summer, who drop by often. Sadie, my "almost daughter", is back home, and this time she brought along her 15 year old brother because he needs a safe place to flourish.

So four kids + Mike and I, makes us a family of six. Throw in the assorted others who drop by, and it's a party.

Our house is of modest size, and currently our closets and cupboards are filled to the brim.

I've pretty much given up on three things I have always managed to maintain:  clean counters, enough food, and empty laundry baskets.

Oh my, life is certainly an adventure. :)

Be careful what you wish for...it just might come true.

Another sunset on BSL. Inspiring? I think so.

"Without passion you don't have energy,

without energy you have nothing."

-- Donald Trump

Passion is an interesting thing. It can be obvious. Or it can be kind of stealth. And it can be downright frustrating if you cannot figure out what your passion really is.

Take it from someone who knows.

In the past, when people talked about their "passion",  it has been a stressful thing for me.

Because until lately, I have not known what my passion even is.

I have spent my whole life trying to figure out what my "talent" is. What am I good at?

No, seriously this is true.

What do I do well?

I have always come up with nothing, well okay, maybe organizing and being efficient, but seriously that is not really a talent.

I am a mediocre kind of girl. I can do a lot of things, but I do them just "okay", not well enough to consider them a talent. Nothing I do stands out.

It kinda stinks.

I would love to say that I am an awesome singer, but the truth is, I am definitely not. I love to sing but I love to sing with someone who is a lot stronger of a singer than I am, so no one can really hear me.

I would love to say I slalom ski well. But the truth is, I am just okay. Better than the average person, but not good. Not good enough to even ski a real slalom course. ( I did try that once).

I would love to say that it is being a yoga instructor. But the reality of that is I am downright inflexible. And, I always have been. You can't really be a great instructor if you can't do half the poses.

Maybe it is cooking. Nope, another strike out. I am good at fixing other people's recipes, but I have rarely, if ever, made up a recipe all of my own.

Entertaining. Making people feel comfortable. Hostessing.

Are these even talents?

It sure doesn't seem like anyone else counts these as talents, but they are the closest I can come to having a knack for something.

How sad is that?

I have had several discussions with other women these last few months about this same topic. I have come to realize that even if you have no apparent talent, or at least cannot define and recognize your own talent, it is still there. Underneath all your insecurities, all the distractions. Something is your passion. Maybe we are all on our own separate journeys to discover it. Maybe we get frustrated because some people find it sooner than others. Maybe some of us just take a little longer to gel.

I'd like to think that it is never too late to uncover your passion. Your strength. Your inner light.
Because I think I may have found mine.

I believe that I was born to blog. 

P.S.
I am so not a fan of "the Donald", but his quote above, I wholeheartedly agree with.

Follow Your Heart... Not exactly as cool as the face of Jesus in a Walmart receipt, 

but a tortilla chip with a heart had special meaning for me.

Think about it.

Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to worry about mortgage payments, ongoing medical bills, college tuition, electric bills (after running the air conditioner for a month straight), credit card debt, impromptu shopping spree bills or whatever keeps you from getting ahead?

Life would be so much happier if you had money to pay for everything. Or would it?

Once upon a time, I might have said yes.

Now, I know the real answer is no.

A million dollars might makes things easier, but it won't make you happier.

Happiness comes from your inner self. When you are truly happy from within, the joy you experience in everything you do, is greater. Being happy heightens sensations, makes jokes funnier, love deeper, bonds stronger. Heck it might even make the skies appear bluer.

Without inner happiness, all the money in the world won't make you happy.

So, take a moment to listen to your own heart.

What's it saying to you?

Slow down. Speed up. Take a leap. Take a chance. Write a story. Write a song. Go back to school. Get a new job. Open your heart. Love someone unconditionally. Follow your passion.

Can you hear what your heart is saying?

Whatever it is.. listen to it.

You'll never be truly happy until you do.

Growing up this was one of my happy places. Many a summer day was spent turtling on this pond.

Not this time.

I think it is finally time for my dreams.

I can feel myself warming to the idea that maybe NOW is the perfect time for my dreams to come true.

Why not? I've been patient. I've worked hard. I've helped raise my children from wee ones to strapping men. What better time than the present?

I'm ready.

Lately I'm daring to do things I've never done before. Blogging, for one. Opening myself up. Sharing the real and very flawed me with anyone who will read my words. That is already a bit out of my normal comfort zone.

So as the ideas swirl, and the wheels turn, I am finding endless energy. When have I ever gotten up in the middle of the night to work on an idea? Pretty sure that would be umm, never before.

What's the worst that can happen if I charge off on a new course toward a dream?

I could fail.

Okay, so there is that. Failure scares me. It always has.

But I've got a pretty decent track record of success, a good history. So it stands to reason that I could survive a little set back, I could weather a mistake or two, right?

I'm never going to know unless I try.

One thing is for certain. It is far more fun having so many ideas that I can't get them down fast enough, than it was to be numb and stagnant.

I apologize to anyone who has spent time with me lately who leaves thinking, whoa, does she ever shut up?

And to my family...my ideas keep evolving (and changing) and getting scrapped. But your input, your listening ear, your patience with me, is invaluable.

Thank you for being my sounding board.

Someday soon I will make you proud.

I promise.

What the heck is an "almost daughter" anyway?

One of my favorite all time Sadie pics.

I recently had to write a bio for myself, and can I just say...it was the hardest thing ever, to make me and my ordinary life sound interesting and my thoughts readworthy.

As I was describing what I write about most and where my inspiration comes from, I realized I could not exclude Sadie, my "almost" daughter from the list. For those of you who don't know this already, she currently lives in our family room. She's lived with us on and off for the past couple years, and is the daughter I wasn't able to have, an older sister to my boys, an integral part of our family. My friend.

I call her my "almost" daughter because although I'd like to claim her as my own, she already has two other moms; her biological mom, and her adoptive mom. I'm just the one she lives with. Her time with us, since the day she whooshed into our lives, has always felt fleeting.

As in, she could bolt out of here at any time.

Right now we are her safe haven, her place to breathe, a stepping stone on her life's path.

And that makes what will come next, extremely hard for me. You see the friend in me can't wait for her to soar. For her to be strong, confident, whole and on a good path. The mom in me, while she wants that also, does not ever want her to leave.

I'm a realist. I know that ultimately she will leave us. Shoot, her being independent is what we are working toward. But what if she never comes back.

When she first came to live with us in 2009.



Sadie's not like my boys. She wasn't born into this family, or raised by this family. She's here by choice right now.

And when she leaves, she will not be obligated to return.

There, that is what I am most afraid of.

It gives my heart a little hitch every time we argue, or I nag too much, or I expect too much. What if she will someday not only be prepared to leave (as in strong and confident), but also ready to leave because I have driven her off?

It's really hard to be a friend, and a mom.

I'm trying to treasure every moment I can with her. The girly times, the goofy moments, even the silences that occur when we find ourselves on the opposite sides of an issue. I am aware that these moments will not go on forever. They weren't meant to.

In a perfect world... our lives will forever be intertwined. The reality is, that I don't know this for sure.

Guess that is the risk you take when you love with your whole heart.

Fun times: Celebrating her 21st birthday.

For now I am enjoying the time she is with us. All the moments. The good, the bad, the fun, even the everyday.

 A group of women I recently met that inspired me in a million ways.

Thank you.

I cannot even put into words how inspired I am by you.

Yes, you.

I know you are thinking "she's not talking to me", but really I am. In ways you are not even aware of, you inspire me to be the best person I can be.

I meet new women almost every day. And I am always inspired by your beauty, your confidence,  your strength, your intelligence, and your comfort in your own skin.

It does not matter your age, size, financial or marital status, or what you do for a living... you all inspire me.

For a girl who spent the majority of her life getting along better with the boys....I sure have got a fascination with girl power lately.

All at once I am energized by women of all ages.

Growing up I had two close girl friends, the rest of the time I meshed better with the boys. It wasn't that I was a tomboy or an athlete, nor did I date very much. Boys just seemed easier, and I liked knowing where I stood them.

There wasn't drama or games, or silly tests you had to pass to be accepted. I was just liked or not liked, teased or not teased, included or not invited. I appreciated how uncomplicated the boys were about how they felt about me. Give me honest and straightforward any day, I understand that.  It made it easier to read the situation, the person, the group and not find yourself aligning with the wrong crew.

 A group of girls I know who found their tribe early on and have stuck together through

thick and thin. A group of women I admire and envy.

Growing up, the girls scared me. It was not so easy to figure out where you fit in. There was envy, manipulation, jealousy, alliances I never did understand, and well, what seemed like way too much work involved. Too much drama. I never really did align with a group.

So it is funny that now, as I reflect back on my life, I wonder, did I miss out? Maybe.

Or perhaps I just wasn't ready. Maybe I needed to grow up, to gain my own self confidence, to be able to appreciate the girls. Maybe I was the envious one? Maybe it was always me.

Whatever the reasons, can I just start over? Hopefully now it is my time to bond with the girls, to find my tribe.

Hello, my name is Terri. It's really nice to meet you.

P.S. As a result of this new found energy, I will be contributing to the home grown group blog called The Mode Life. Their mission is to share honest perspectives from a diverse collection of women, by providing informative and enjoyable reading. I like to think of it as they are giving women a voice, through words. I hope to reciprocate to all of you who inspire me, by giving a little inspiration back. Please check it out. Have you got something to say? Guest posting and additional contributors are always welcome.

Turn that frown...

Crap happens. More than likely you have experienced one, or more, of the following scenarios.

You are at a store, you prepare to check out, but the cashier is super unfriendly. No smile. No greeting. Very little eye contact.

Awkward. You check the sign, was the line closed or something?

You are attempting to get information from a person at a help desk, only the person that is supposed to be "helping" you is responding in a tone that is decidedly unhelpful. Rude, almost.

Embarrassed. You suddenly feel like a dumb a**, was the answer to your question that obvious?

You get a new job and a coworker, instead of welcoming you to the team, is giving off the body language and facial expressions that you are definitely "not" welcome. As in, go back where you came from.

Uncomfortable. You wonder, did I make a big mistake?

These type of situations happen more often than they should. Unfortunately, we can't do much to prevent them. But what we can do, is exert a little control over what happens next, and how it affects us.

Do we let the crap or crappy attitude of a random person upset us, ruin our mood and our experience? 

I used to.

I'd make things worse by being "less than friendly" back, you might even say I got downright  bit**y. It might have made me feel better for a minute or two, but it no doubt in the end made things worse.
As I grow wiser, I have begun to employ a new tactic to deal with this type of  situation.

I now attempt to "kill" the unfriendly person with kindness.

Around.

Obviously, the person with the bad attitude is suffering from something. Maybe they don't feel well, maybe life situations have got them down, maybe they feel under appreciated,  or maybe they just aren't happy in their line of work. (Remember Hermey the elf from Rudolph, who wanted to be a dentist and not a toymaker?).

Whatever the person's reason for being hateful, it won't be obvious to you. But the attitude will be hard to miss.The easiest and most common reaction is to be a jerk back at them. But how about trying a little kindness instead.

Yes, I am serious.

It throws them off balance.
They are probably used to others giving attitude back to them, so being nice, may actually throw them off balance. It might stop them in their tracks. It might make them think.

It takes the wind out of their sails.
They have come to expect that you will react badly to their attitude with some negative energy of your own, allowing them to control the situation. If you do not acknowledge their bad attitude, instead, transmitting friendly, positive, and understanding energy at them, you may take the wind out of their sails, and take away their control.

Think about it, how can they continue to be rude when you are being so nice?

It gives you back the control.
So, the next time it happens to you, try a new approach. Try being kind. It may not, in the end, help the other person's situation, but I guarantee that you will feel a whole lot better, by taking the high road.

People shouldn't have rotten attitudes. But they do. Don't let their bad mojo ruin your day.

Maybe a little kindness from you is all they need to turn that frown around.

What is your reaction when faced with someone who is "less than friendly"?

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"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet." 

--William Shakespeare, from Romeo & Juliet

My full name is Terri. Not Teresa, or Taryn, or Terril.

Just Terri. 

Terri with an “i”.

I recently realized that I have a habit of name shortening.

As in, I take liberties with people's names. Shelly becomes “Shell,” Jennifer is “Jen”, Rachel, is sometimes “Rach”, etc.

I also realized that I have always loved having my name shortened by someone.

“Ter”, “T”, or my dad’s favorite, “T.T.” are all welcomed, even encouraged, by me.

For me, the shortening of my name is a sign of intimacy between you and me. A familiarity. A, "Hey I know you well enough, and like you well enough, to call you this." And, I see it as a sign that you feel comfortable enough around me to take liberties with my name.

Apparently not everyone feels that way. People actually dislike it.

Oops. Who knew?

Now that I have been set straight, I am attempting to not take that name shortening liberty with others, until I know whether it is welcomed.

Most of my life I've worked hard at “making others comfortable”, it comes from years of hostessing and being in sales, and I usually have people’s preferences filed away in a corner of my mind. Like remembering that this person does not like onions, or this person will only drink out of a glass, not a plastic cup, or this person hates Mexican food. 

Remembering little details like that, is my way of showing a person that I care about them. By really listening to what you say, and intentionally noting and remembering your preferences, I hope to convey to you that you are important to me.

With this new revelation about my name shortening tendency, I have added a new category to my brainfile. People who do not like their name shortened.

It might seem like a trivial thing, but I see it as a wake up call, a reminder that as individuals  we perceive things differently. What I view as a welcome compliment, you may see as something completely opposite. Gives me something to think about.

For all of you who have expressed to me your dislike of the name-shortening thing, I will attempt to honor your wishes and stop taking liberties. But please know that if I do slip up, it is because I like you and feel comfortable around you, and not because I wish you any disrespect.

And by all means, feel free to take liberties with my name. I'll take it as a compliment.

What about you, how do you feel about having your name shortened?