Loving With Your Whole Heart

What the heck is an "almost daughter" anyway?

One of my favorite all time Sadie pics.
I recently had to write a bio for myself, and can I just say...it was the hardest thing ever, to make me and my ordinary life sound interesting and my thoughts readworthy.

As I was describing what I write about most and where my inspiration comes from, I realized I could not exclude Sadie, my "almost" daughter from the list. For those of you who don't know this already, she currently lives in our family room. She's lived with us on and off for the past couple years, and is the daughter I wasn't able to have, an older sister to my boys, an integral part of our family. My friend.

I call her my "almost" daughter because although I'd like to claim her as my own, she already has two other moms; her biological mom, and her adoptive mom. I'm just the one she lives with. Her time with us, since the day she whooshed into our lives, has always felt fleeting.

As in, she could bolt out of here at any time.

Right now we are her safe haven, her place to breathe, a stepping stone on her life's path.

And that makes what will come next, extremely hard for me. You see the friend in me can't wait for her to soar. For her to be strong, confident, whole and on a good path. The mom in me, while she wants that also, does not ever want her to leave.

I'm a realist. I know that ultimately she will leave us. Shoot, her being independent is what we are working toward. But what if she never comes back.

When she first came to live with us in 2009.

Sadie's not like my boys. She wasn't born into this family, or raised by this family. She's here by choice right now.

And when she leaves, she will not be obligated to return.

There, that is what I am most afraid of.

It gives my heart a little hitch every time we argue, or I nag too much, or I expect too much. What if she will someday not only be prepared to leave (as in strong and confident), but also ready to leave because I have driven her off?

It's really hard to be a friend, and a mom.

I'm trying to treasure every moment I can with her. The girly times, the goofy moments, even the silences that occur when we find ourselves on the opposite sides of an issue. I am aware that these moments will not go on forever. They weren't meant to.

In a perfect world... our lives will forever be intertwined. The reality is, that I don't know this for sure.

Guess that is the risk you take when you love with your whole heart.

Fun times: Celebrating her 21st birthday.

For now I am enjoying the time she is with us. All the moments. The good, the bad, the fun, even the everyday.