I have written my way through a lot of healing in the last 10+ years. It was the best way for me to work through the lessons I needed to learn. Many of those posts I have not yet shared because at the time they felt too personal. But now I am realizing the words are my truth, they are part of who I am and who I have become, and they might encourage others to begin to work their way out of the darkness.

Here is the story of my dark night of the soul in November of 2012, when I hit my emotional rock bottom. The real healing began after, when I started my journey forward into who I was always meant to be.

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They say you don’t truly transform until you shatter. Hit rock bottom. Learn your lessons. Until your heart breaks.

I am not sure exactly when my heart broke, but I know what it felt like. It maybe happened slowly like the cracks in the windshield- --one solid hit that morphs into tiny fissures.

When the whole thing shattered for good, it was loud and painful.

I remember crying, uncontrollably sobbing, shame, guilt, frustration, anger all the lower energies taking control of me.

It should have stopped me in my tracks. Left me frozen.  If it hadn’t happened slowly, the breaking of my heart, I am sure it would have.

But the breaking of my heart was a cracking open to heal, to make me truly see, not to render me helpless.

And sitting on the basement floor when I opened my eyes to the sound of another human being asking what was the matter, it was the person who I was most worried about, most scared for, most disconnected from. It was my son Mitch.

He too was living at a low vibration, only he had turned to outside distractions and vices to numb the pain. I was the one that turned on myself with vicious words, accusations, and only added to my downward spiral.

His grace, his words lifted me. His kindness in my lowest of low moments had the power to shine light into my dark world. In that moment I felt he was holding out an olive branch of forgiveness for all the mistakes I had made raising him. Even after knowing that I was a controlling, judgmental, hypocrite—he said the words I needed to hear. That I was not a parenting failure, that I was not a failure as a human being, that he wanted to be like me. 

It took away some of the shame I felt for the years I attempted to make him into someone he was not. Thank goodness he resisted. Thank goodness he held the wisdom to see the real me underneath my layers of pretense and my attempts to make him follow rules that made no sense.

He said he  wanted what I had someday. Probably he meant a loving relationship, a family, a home that kind of thing – not a mean inner voice who criticized, strived and tried too hard to do life so right she left out the living part.

As Glennon Melton so eloquently said: the call from God doesn’t just come once, if you missed it the first time (or the second or the third) he will find a way to reach you. To offer you that door again to see if you are ready.

I was ready.

Change was never my friend but the biggest changes in my life began from that point on.

And things I once never thought would happen to me did; both good and bad.

It took some serious healing from the inside to even begin to influence the world on the outside of me.

Slowly but surely the broken pieces of me fit back in --- putting me back together in a way I had never been before. Or at least that I did not remember being. Creating a better version of me. 

There is no doubt grace finds a way in through people, words of kindness, actions straight to your heart.

But you have to be ready to greet her.