My Shadow Self
I took an online mentorship class last spring and one of the homework assignments was to have a conversation with our shadow self. We all have one of those, the darker side who lives within our ego, who operates out of fear, who thinks they are protecting us but really hinder our growth, and who often presents itself to the world from the safety of a mask. I had a really dark shadow self before I allowed myself to hit rock bottom and begin the hard work of climbing back up.
Here are the questions I needed to ask her and following them are my thoughts once I did. I am just now being brave enough to post them.
1. Are they aware they exist?
2. Why do they exist, who created them?
3. What is it they need?
4. Ask for advice from your higher self.
My shadow self is fairly quiet these days.
During my morning meditation, as homework for a class I am taking, I was to ask my shadow self if they are aware they exist. Then to ask why it was created, what does she need, and if my higher self had any advice. I didn’t have a conversation with her as much as I got a visual. She once used to be a big black blob over my heart and solar plexus. She had power over me and my thoughts and actions. Now she exists as particles which reside throughout my body and in each chakra. My shadow is currently not affecting me—it is only when the pieces collect together and create a mass that I can feel her and her power.
Her influence right now is as a thought or a negative nudge like fear, fear of doing it wrong, fear of being out of control, fear of not being enough or of not being able to handle what comes next. It reminds me how much power I once gave her. My shadow was what I called my “mean voice” and now she is mostly silent. When my vibration lowers because something from the outside gets in through one of my unhealed wounds, when I doubt, judge, or compare, she grows stronger. But it happens a lot less for me now than it once did, and I am more aware of the feeling it brings to me, so it doesn’t stick with me as long.
2) She was created from my feelings of not being good enough when I was little. She grew as I beat myself up for making mistakes, instead of embracing them as the learning opportunities they were. I fueled her power every time I thought I “should” have done better, which was always. She was a manifested attachment to my solar plexus—she grew from the shame I felt every time I deemed myself less than perfect, which in retrospect, was always. I allowed her to take control of me.
She exists because we all are created from dark and light, you can’t have one without the other. It is up to each person to lead from their light, and to blast through the darkness by doing the work to heal ourselves from the inside. Opposites exist in everything; it is what keeps us in check/in balance. We must acknowledge both parts, but live in our light. Making changes to become our true/authentic selves makes the shadow smaller and eventually dissipates. Our shadow is never fully gone, but how much power we give to it is up to each individual.
3) My shadow needs acknowledgment to serve her function, and if she grows stronger/bigger I need to pay attention to what she is saying—then I need to deal with it—because she always has a perspective worth hearing. Even if it is only so I make sure I don’t go down that dark, negative path. She represents the negative, judgmental, controlling, perfectionistic, people pleasing shell of a person I allowed myself to become when she was leading the show. She reminds me of who I never wish to be again. That version of myself is old news and I do not intend to return to that darker version ever again.
My higher self tells me my shadow exists as particles now to remind me I have the power to stop the darkness. I can accept we are all imperfectly perfect beings, and that mistakes are part of learning. I can live in the light of me, safely and happily.