Tomorrow Alec comes home from MSU. He left on August 20 for SMB Band camp, so it will have been 2 months and 9 days since he last walked through the doors of what for 18 years was his "home". In the past two and a half months we've made some changes, little ones mostly...a new rug here, a new rug there...a subtle cleaning of his room, and a big change in the downstairs bathroom. What I want to know is, will he care?

A million moons ago, when I came home from college for my first weekend visit, I know it felt weird. It felt like I was "home", but kind of like, I didn't really belong there anymore. The place that had for so many years defined me, as "me", was somehow not the same. Looking back, I had changed, mostly. I remember asking myself was "home" now my college dorm room? I'd like to think it wasn't. Because, lucky for me, "home", where my parents still live, is the same home I grew up in, and came home to. My parents continue to live in their first house, on the street I grew up on, in the house I remember growing up in, only a couple blocks from my own house now. Tomorrow, I will want to shout at Alec when he notices the changes, "this is STILL your home. It always will be." And you belong here. Man, I missed you.

But I hope he already knows that. Home is where your heart is, after all.

It sure was windy outside today.

Weirdly so, I'd even say. I'm hoping it was a sign....a kind of a blowing out of the old, and a bringing in the new. New possibilities.  New opportunities. Whatever is coming at me, I am ready! Wonder how long I'll have to wait to be shown the way?

We have a saying in my family that when someone (usually an older person) starts to tell it like it is, no holes barred, no punches pulled....they have lost their 'filter'. Lately I have become a lot more vocal about how I really feel. So am I losing my filter? Am I becoming another cranky old lady? There is no doubt that life as I knew it, is changing. Certain body parts are going south (fast), and certain sections are growing lumpy (can you picture back fat and muffin top). And why don't my pants stay zipped anymore? Things are just not working like they used to.

If I could count the number of times I begin a story and my husband first gets a look of concern, which then changes to in·cre·du·li·ty, then to a smirk. "What?" I say in the middle of my story. He replies, looking at me strangely..."Just wondering what I am supposed to say when you start telling me a story for the second or third time. Am I supposed to pretend you didn't tell me this already and just nod along?" Crap, no of course not! How can I not remember telling it to him before (maybe even twice)? What the heck has happened to my normally organized and well oiled brain. Maybe I need to try some of those fish oil pills... wait...are they for memory improvement, or for something else my almost 50 year old body is lacking? Hey do those pills make your breath smell like fish? Ick.

I'll just quit beating around the bush then. Getting old, stinks. I want "me" back. And losing my filter...well this just might be part of growing up.

Ever notice the amount of teen facebook statuses saying that they are bored? I can't remember the last time I was actually bored, can you? Distracted, sure. But with today's endless choices of things to do, literally at our fingertips, how can teenagers really be bored? I cannot find enough time in my day to accomplish all the things I want to.

So maybe this is really code for something else. What if this is our teenagers way of saying they are not happy with what is "within" themselves? During quieter times, maybe they aren't finding what they need to get them through. Their inner strength; self confidence, self worth, love of themselves. The things I take for granted and help give me my daily direction. How can we expect them to grow into successful, happy adults if they don't have the proper inner foundation? It is a scary thought for me. Our children grew up in a world of constant and immediate entertainment, and yet they can be so bored.

Maybe we need to go "back to basics".

  Maybe we need to show them how to find joy in the simple things. To take a walk, with nowhere in mind to end up. To read a book, just because. To play a board game, one that uses brain power, not a power cord. To call a friend, not to facebook or text them, but to actually call and talk. Or to volunteer, not just because you need volunteer hours for school, but because there is a great feeling of self worth that comes from giving back.

Our children need to find their core. I hope it is not too late. Without my "gut" to follow, I fear I might have found myself  "bored as woah", as well.

It has been a while since I have been able to post on this blog, mainly because I felt too emotional. But a couple of months into "learning-to-live with a kid in college", I am slowly getting it together.

Sending my first baby off to college was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Not because I was afraid that he wouldn't survive without me, but because I thought he would. Now I know that sounds a bit crazy because that is the goal of a parent, right? Raise your children to be independant and to go forward with the skills and ability to survive in the world. But when that reality hit, it left me scrambling to redefine myself. He doesn't need me anymore. For much of the last 18 years I have defined myself as simply "mother". The person who nags about homework, yells about grades, monitors friends, attends musical events and sporting events, does laundry, cleans the house, makes sure there is food in the fridge and back ups in the cupboard of everyone's favorite lotions, shampoos, and deodorants etc. Now that one of my babies is off being independent, what happens to the me I am used to? Yes I am still mom to one here at home, but somehow there is a void in me that misses being needed by both. It doesn't help when that kid at college doesn't want much (if any) interaction. Mom, you just gotta let go...you know you are not going to hear from me every day. I'm busy. But what if I want to hear from him everyday? What if I miss his smile, his friends, his playing the piano, his laundry, his homework, his everything?

The good news is that he is surviving without me.

 I guess we did our job as parents... he is his own person now. And I am learning to survive without him. I am slowly coming to terms with our limited interaction. It doesn't mean I don't tear up when I see him, or think of him, or say goodbye to him again. But I am even starting to enjoy it a little. So who am I now that I have a kid in college? I am still a mom, but now I can also be a yoga instructor, a friend, a blogger, a volunteer, a wife, a student....I guess I can be whatever I want to be.

Okay so it has been several months since I blogged anything. Not because I haven't thought about it, or because I haven't had time to, or haven't wanted to...but, because I am scared to. Too. Much. Emotion. And too much to say.

Alec graduated from high school. Alec is leaving for MSU. Alec doesn't need me anymore. Life will never be the same. How does that make me feel? Sad. Scared. Excited for him. Lonely. And very, very emotional. I am sitting at my desk with tears on my cheeks as I write this. (See, I knew it would be too hard). I have to walk away already and I only typed 5 lines so far.

Okay so where did that time go? How is my baby going off to college already...wasn't I just wearing those awful maternity clothes and laughing because everyone said I looked like the big fig newton? Wow. It feels like life went by so fast, like in a blink of an eye. I was there, wasn't I? I was there for it all, right? I enjoyed it, right? Okay, maybe I want it back. Maybe I want a "do over" or maybe it should be a "do again". Why is it that once you get through something it is so much easier to look back and think how you could have done it better?

I am not ready to let go.

Now if only mine would tell me what I should do next.

The Truths Within--Value Your Own Wisdom

We come into this world with our own inner wisdom, it knows where we are going and understands where we come from.Throughout our lives, we will encounter individuals who presume to know what is best for us. The insights they offer cannot compare, however, with the powers of awareness and discernment that already exist within us. From birth we are blessed with wisdom that cannot be learned or unlearned. It exists whether or not we acknowledge it because it is a gift given to us by a loving universe before we chose to experience existence on the earthly plane. Yet for all its permanence, it is vital that we value and honor this incredible element of the self. It is when we do not use our inborn wisdom that we begin to doubt our personal truths and are driven to outside sources of information because we are afraid. What we know to be true in our hearts is invariably true, and we discover how intensely beautiful and useful self-trust can be when we recognize the power of our wisdom. Inner wisdom is not subject to the influences of the outside world, which means that it will never demand that we surrender our free will or counsel us to act in opposition to our values. We benefit from this inspiration when we open ourselves to it, letting go of the false notion that we are less qualified than others to determine our fate. The wisdom inside of us is the source of our discernment and our ability to identify blessings in disguise. When we are unsure of who to trust, how to respond, or what we require, the answers lie in our inner wisdom. It knows where we are going and understands where we are coming from, taking this into account though it is not a product of experience but rather a piece of our connection to the universal mind. In the whole of your existence, no force you will ever encounter will contribute as much to your ability to do what you need to do and be who you want to be as your natural wisdom. Through it, you reveal your growing consciousness to the greater source and discover the true extent of your strength. If you heed this wisdom with conviction and confidence, the patterns, people, and fears that held you back will be dismantled, paving the way for you to fulfill your truest potential.

--From Daily OM
Subscribe at today@dailyom.com

The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind. - Rodney Yee

Tonight’s practice will be day four of yoga in a row. I had forgotten how good it feels to practice it that often. Many people have asked if it has helped me be more flexible. I suppose it has, but I was still the most inflexible person at my yoga fit training class last spring. And I was the only instructor-in-training to use props. I know that I feel better, and I get less headaches and backaches because I practice yoga. I also have better posture and balance and core strength. But the true benefit for me is the chance to sit for a bit, to quiet my mind, and to concentrate on breathing. Somehow things are always clearer when I leave yoga...when I have taken the time to just breathe.

I had coffee this morning with someone who asked me a question I have asked myself a lot lately. How do moms do it? How do we shape, herd, redirect, guide, steer our children to become independent responsible adults and not have our hearts broken every day? Maybe that question has a different answer for everyone, or maybe the answer is bluntly: we don’t. I know it sometimes feels like my heart gets broken every day. What fun is it to be the bad guy all the time? To be the “fun sucker” as my kids sometimes call me? It breaks my heart to have to always be the one who asks if: the homework is done, the test is studied for, the debits are recorded in the checkbook, the keys are in the backpack, the glasses are in the bag, the math test got rescheduled. But if I don’t do it, who will?

The experts say, that it isn’t our job to micro manage our children. Let them learn on their own. You have to fail to succeed. Wow-- maybe harder than being the bad guy every day, is the job of sitting back and watching your child fail. I understand the idea of not doing everything for your children. I understand that you can’t protect them from all disaster, sickness and pain. But I do believe we have a responsibility as a parent to show them the way. Why is it so important to do that homework, to get a good grade on that test, to remember your key? Because that is real life, people. You can’t live your life in a fog, never knowing what comes next or where you put something. If you are given the responsibility to get a paper signed, or to turn your homework in on time, or to bring your glasses so you can see the board, or to bring your key so someone doesn’t have to take time off work to drive over and let you in the house, then you must learn to do it.

If not for you, then for the others around you. I think teenagers especially don’t realize that what they do or don’t do affects others around them. What if you don’t do your homework, or worse yet, what if you do it but don’t turn it in for credit? What if your grade because of this falls to a D? What if that forces the director of the high school musical you are playing a lead role in to kick you out and find a replacement for you halfway through the show? How does that affect the other kids in the show? Why should their production be compromised because you were too selfish to see beyond what your laziness in not doing the homework meant to them? Maybe you didn’t care, but others do.

There are always things to be remembered. I am a lister. I admit it. But anyone who knows me, also knows I often times lose my lists. But the list itself is only physical evidence of what has already transpired within me. I thought about what comes next, where I am going, what I will need. If I lose the list, I have still taught my brain to think it out. The writing it down just helps me remember. Do I sometimes get off track and forget things? Yeah. Does life throw me a curve ball and hinder my plan to accomplish or achieve things on my list? Of course, almost daily. But at least I am not living my life in a fog. I accomplish things, I fail at things, I learn how to do things better. I guess in the end that is what I want my kids to do, too. I want them to think it out for themselves. To learn to be independent. To care about their grades, their work ethic, their future. And to care how their actions affect others around them.

So as a mom, I ask myself where is the appropriate line between nagging and ignoring? I have seen what happens when no one cares and kids are forced to go it alone. It isn’t pretty. And what exactly does someone learn from that? What not to do, maybe. How do they then learn what TO DO if no one shows them their options? If being the one to show them the way means I have to take the flak, and let the mean looks and the insults and the hate they sometimes throw my way, just bounce off me, I guess I’ll gladly do it. It isn’t an easy job. There aren’t any right answers to where that line is. I suppose it is different for every mother, and for every child. Some things work and some things, just don’t. At the end of the day, when I lay down to sleep, I just hope I have done something to show my children at least one step of the way. Whether they appreciated it, or not.

FAMILY

There is no bond stronger than the one that exists in a family. It allows us to fail without fault, to learn without loss, to love without condition. It is how we become who we are.

What makes a family?

I think there are many kinds of families. Some we are born into (obviously), others we create (having our own children), some we stumble into by circumstance (adoption/foster homes) and still others just happen. For many years it was "the four of us" here in our home. An even number. A workable number. A responsible number.

And yet, I felt outnumbered. I grew up with two sisters, I was always with girls. And having my own family of boys, I was now the odd man out. No one wanted to craft with me (no matter how many different variations I came up with.) No one wanted to play restaurant, or grocery store, or barbies or beads.  They were more interested in building tracks for their hot wheels, or playing video games, or doing crazy bones, or leggos, or taping things together (yes, they did that often). None of which I found interesting. I now know how my dad must have felt living in a house full of females....four to his one.  No wonder he tried to make me his "boy" by taking me trapping and deer hunting and fishing. It must have been hard.

Over the years I found myself sometimes missing that common ground of shared interest. I had always wanted one more child...I daydreamed about it being a girl. What would she look like...who's personality would she share, what would she think of her big brothers? Would she like doing girly things with me, would she need me to do her hair? (Heaven forbid). But it never happened and life rolled quickly on. No regrets or anything, just the once in a while wistful twinge that what my friends and their daughters shared was something I would never get to experience.

And then came Sadie. She blew in quickly, just about a year ago, and bowled us over with her  spark and spirit. In a couple of months, she had stolen my heart. That's not to say that the year of Sadie has not had its blips and bumps. But it has also had so much meaning. I learn from her everyday. About how it feels to love your real mom even if she sometimes hasn't deserved it. And how much you want to be loved by her in return. About how hard it is to be positive when you live with people who bring you down. About how hard it is to believe in yourself when no one else ever has. About realizing how you cannot wait for life to happen, but instead you need to go out and make it happen.

I'll admit that having Sadie here evens out the female to male ratio in this house a little. I have someone to craft, shop, and watch chick flicks with now. And there is someone to do MY hair! But that is not all she brings to our house. Somehow she fits in like she has always belonged, (well another bedroom would be nice), she is the "little" girl we never had, and the "little" sister that Mitch never got (even though she is older).

She is an inspiration to me and I admire her for her courage this past year. For believing in herself strongly enough to make some hard decisions. For realizing that although she loves/needs her family, she needs to make her own way. For trusting us to take her in. For letting us love her as our own. We may not have had her, we may not have raised her, we may not have gotten to adopt her when she was two, but she is here now and will irrevocably be part of this family. Welcome to our family Sadie.

This year on Thanksgiving I made a point to let those members of my family that were celebrating together know why I was thankful for them. I started my thoughts with my wonderful husband and used the same format for everyone else. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to do. I still get choked up when I read them. Must be because I realized how truly special they all are to me and how much I need them.

MIKE I am thankful for you because...
…you are my glue. Thank you for being my best friend and keeping me on course everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

ALEC I am thankful for you because…
….you make me smile. Thank you for bringing joy in my life everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

MITCH I am thankful for you because…
…you challenge me. Thank you for always being you and making me think everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

SADIE I am thankful for you because…
…you inspire me. Thank you for opening my heart and allowing me to watch you grow stronger everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

DAD I am thankful for you because…
….you are my rock. Thank you for giving me the foundation to believe in myself everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

MOM I am thankful for you because…
…you ground me. Thank you for loving me no matter what and for showing me the way everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

SHELL I am thankful for you because…
….you complete me. Thank you for being more than a sister, more than a friend and an inspiration to me everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

SCOTT I am thankful for you because…
…you crack me up. Thank you for always being there and for making me laugh almost everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

BUZZ I am thankful for you because…
…you give me crap. Thank you for always keeping it real and for making me so proud of you everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

SYD I am thankful for you because…
…you are the sweetest niece. Thank you for letting me learn from your sweet, shy, gentle ways everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

LO I am thankful for you because…
…you support me. Thank you for always being there and for loving us like your own everyday. You make me a better person. I love you.

I read something not too long ago that made sense. It was a passage from a book, a gift I received many Christmases ago, and never opened. I finally opened that book as I was about to get rid of it. Here is the first thing that jumped out at me:

As we grow in age
we also grow in acceptance.
We see shades of gray
instead of black and white.
We become slow to condemn
and quick to forgive.

We do not rant and rave.
We do not complain and gripe.
Our heart has expanded with compassion
and is open to all people.

---The Sage's Tao Te Ching
A new Interpretation by William Martin

And then I noticed a little subtitle that read: Ancient advice for the second half of life.

And it hit me. I am in my second half of life.

How can that be when so many times I still feel like the scared kid who desperately wants to make her parents proud and impress her friends. Have I pleased them? Are they proud of who I have become? Is anyone impressed? Am I?

And so begins my blog.

2009 has been in many ways, a pivotal year for me. Why? I'm not sure. Nothing huge happened, no wedding, no exciting career change, no children were born. And yet, in the busyness of everyday life something extraordinary happened. My heart opened. I know when it happened. Backstage with the cast and crew at the UHS production of Annie. It began slowly in me. I went from "helping" backstage and feeling more "in the way" than of any use, to feeling a part of something. How a group of teenagers and their-not-much-older-than-that married directors had formed such a close knit bond in less than three months time, completely floored me. And yet, in less than three days, I began to feel the same bond. I felt like I was becoming a necessary and vital part of this wonderful group. This group of unlikely kids, who so quickly and solidly meshed to become a team. How cool. How awesome. How inspiring.

It started a change in me. I began to see things in shades of gray and not the black and white I have always been known for. I found compassion. I found energy. I found strength. I found inspiration. I found (a little more) patience. I found so much love. My eyes opened, and my heart opened.

I may be in my second half of life, but I still have no idea where I am going. In 2010 the possibilities are endless and I am open to wherever this journey takes me.