When The Path Is Not Clear

 photo: ter-whenigrowup.blogspot.com

Ever felt like you were on track, moving forward step by step, enjoying life's ups and downs and daily unpredictability? And then wham something comes out of nowhere. Something that changes life as you know it.

That happened to me this week. I am still reeling. I am still processing. My head has jumped to the end of the road, my heart is still looking at the steps along the way of what could have been.

Someone questioned my ability, my effectiveness, my intelligence and my efficiency. Or at least that is what it felt like. This person does not know me well. In fact, they don't know me at all. If I am one thing and one thing only, it is efficient. I hate to waste time, money, talent, or energy. And I hate to see it wasted.

You can tell me that I am impatient, that I get frustrated too quickly when I see wrongs and want to fix them, but you cannot tell me that I don't get it.  I should have been a lawyer. The kind who debates, and who isn't afraid to argue a point, and who doesn't sway easily or back down if they know that they are right.

My parents taught me long ago to do what you say, to make your own way, to ensure no one else has to take care of you or pick up your slack. Work hard, be valuable, be thought of well. I live by an internal code much stronger and tougher than anyone else could have for me.

And if there is one thing I am not, and never will be it is a suck up. It is not in my nature to make myself look good to gain attention from those in charge. I may be a people pleaser when I entertain and hostess, but I am most definitely not a people pleaser just because someone is an authority figure.

So I find myself seized.

Troubled. Scared. Off balance.

Okay, and even a little sad.

The path before me, usually so clear, is now uncertain. I can no longer see where it goes.

I only hope I can find my way. And soon.