Photo credit: Jan Hubert

On the back cover of my book I allude to fighting my way out of the darkness, and every so often someone asks me what I meant by that. It is usually people who know me well, and have noticed that I am happier than I used to be, but go no further into questioning how I got there. Here is my best explanation of the journey I have been on to find my light.

When the boat of security she lived in first began to pitch wildly in the waves of her deepest, darkest truths, she felt a fissure of fear.

Even before her boat capsized, she understood she would drown.

In a sea of salty tears.

They came from somewhere deep. Somewhere foreign feeling.

A place she hadn't dared to go for a very long time.

She let herself sink into the depths of her sadness for she was so tired of struggling.

Maybe, she thought, if she just rested for a moment or two, she'd muster the energy she needed to soldier on. She gave into the quiet, calm and sank even lower. She pictured herself in the eye of the storm allowing the millions of thoughts in her head to slowly empty, until there was only one.

I am a failure.

With a jolt her feet hit rock bottom. No where further down to go.

She just couldn't muster enough energy to fight that deepest, darkest thought any longer. Immediately she felt the bleakness of her wasted life in every pore of her body. The would have, could have, should have's stacking up before her to be reviewed. She knew she had let everyone down, had let herself down worst of all. She was so far off course she saw no more possible paths to take. Was this the fall she feared she'd never recover from?

In the darkness of her soul came the words she needed to hear.

Everything will be okay, everyone will be okay. Let it go. You've got this. And oh by the way, You are worthy.

Fresh tears flowed as she let the words surround her like a blanket. Only this time the tears weren't the same. They didn't hurt as much, they were softer, warmer, meant to soothe not sear.

And as they warmed her cheeks, they warmed her heart a little, too. She felt a little less alone. The tiniest spark of hope begin to grow in her.

At one time giving in, giving up the reins of her life had been the furthest thing from her mind. The thought of letting go had only made her hold on tighter, try harder, do better. Now she knew her only option was surrender, she no longer had the energy to fight against the current of her heart.

She took a deep breath and some of the tight spaces in her body began to give a little.

Instead of dying in this low, dark space, she realized she actually could breathe a little easier here. The crushing weight on her chest began to lift and in the far corner of her dark soul a spark of light began to grow. The light was warm and comforting and filled her mind, heart and whole being with a feeling of acceptance, understanding, and ease.

It felt so refreshingly beautiful she was afraid to acknowledge it, fearful it would retreat and pull her back into the darkness.

But it grew brighter until it nearly filled her, and then she heard the voice again:

Inside everyone is darkness and light. Good and bad. That is the way it is meant to be. A person cannot be 100% perfect. That means there will always be darkness within you. But there is also light. So much light. You are no different than anyone else. You, like everyone, must learn to live in the light of you. Once you do, your mission here is to show others how to do the same. Teach others to dance in the light. Their own light. To take back their power.

And then there was quiet again. She wanted (as usual) to ask a million questions. To learn what she needed to do to stay in this welcoming light.  She wanted to know how she could possibly teach others to find the light. She wanted help to do it all correctly, but no words came out of her. There was only the silence.

And in the blissful quiet of her soul she discovered she already knew the answer to her unasked questions.

I hold the power. I've had the power all along.

She was the answer. She had all the answers within. She always had. She needed only to believe in her own power, to be still and listen to hear the answers to her questions.  In that quiet, calm space deep within her was all the knowledge she'd ever truly needed.

And the words she heard this time were her own.

I see you darkness. I acknowledge you are part of me. I understand that within everyone is darkness, and also beautiful light. I have a choice from which place I operate and I vow to live from this moment on in the light. I surrender my grip of control to a higher power for I know that I cannot see the whole picture from my tiny view. I will trust that I am enough, imperfectly as I am, and that I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will allow my life to unfold and to believe in my own power to discern the correct path. I will let my heart lead me to where I was meant to be all along.

And just like that she was filled with light. She was back home to herself. The same girl, yet forever different. Changed. Enlightened. Recharged. Renewed. Ready. Free. Hopeful. Reconnected.

Choosing never to be alone again.

For more in this series:

Losing Her Magic

Finding Her Worth

Garnering Her Courage

Happy New Year Greetings!

The end of a year always allows me a chance for retrospection and then with that, the opportunity to loosely shape the new year to come. While we cannot plan out our year, nor see the obstacles or the joys coming our way, we can set the parameters for the direction we’d like it to move. All year long I wrote down words in my daily journal that felt right to consider for the selection process. None of those actually ended up being one of my Three words for 2023, but the process helped me narrow my list. After much internal debate I have arrived at the three words I need to shape my new year.

Confidence- full trust, belief in the powers, belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; certitude

Synergy- the interaction of elements that when combined produce a total effect that is greater than the sum of the individual contributions

Reach- to get to or get as far as in moving, going, traveling; to come to or arrive at in some course of progress, action; (v)to make a stretch; (n)the extent or distance of reaching

In a nutshell: I wish to move forward with confidence in my writing abilities and in myself, to put all the parts of myself together into a whole that makes a greater impact, and to trust that my words, my book (and my girls) will fly as far and wide as they are meant to.

I considered so many other words that felt right to maintain this life I love and do not need a vacation from. Words like streamline, peace, and health, and yet to truly grow, I feel the need to stretch myself. I chose my words for 2023 with the hope I will continue to find joy and peace in every day, and yet still be brave enough to share more of my true self.

If you want help finalizing your words, or understanding more about the three word process, please reach out.

Cheers to a strong & successful 2023. ♥

Purpose isn’t discovered, but revealed and remembered. Our purpose is to reveal ourselves, then radiate that to the world. By recognizing and honoring our true self, and showing up in the world as such, we have fulfilled our soul’s purpose. Our life’s purpose then, is to ensure this true self arrives in each moment it is needed.

—Helen Jacobs, You Already Know

Time marches on and today I turn a number that once seemed soooo impossibly far away; 60. I am doing my best to embrace this new decade, as I did the last, because there is so much to be thankful for and to look forward to. My 50’s were the best years ever (yes there were hard times, disappointments, and unexpected things, but there was also a lot of growth, love and joy). I was able to slow my life down and focus on what was important to me, while remaining present and grateful for how much abundance I have in my life. As I move into my 60’s, I plan to roll with the changes in my body, embrace and operate from my strengths, practice self-compassion when I make mistakes, and allow life to unfold in its own way & time. It has taken me a long time to let go of the need to prove myself, to accomplish in order to feel worthy, and to accept and honor who I truly am. There are plans in place to publish a couple books, to nest (fixing up my cottage and home), to teach what I have learned, and to impact the world around me in a positive way. As I continue to live a life I do not need a vacation from, I will keep the pace slow, leave freedom in my schedule, and enjoy a richly vibrant existence connecting with friends, family and my love.

Cheers to my continued growth. May I be able to maintain an open and peace filled mind and heart, and greet the inevitable changes with grace. As you know I meditate in nature often, and as I recently sat in my thinking spot contemplating my upcoming birthday, I channeled this message:

Concentrate on the right now and in what ways can you be more—and let that lead to your next step—stay focused on the present (and what you actually can control) and let it all unfold. You wish to be “more” and spend time dreaming about why and how you might do that, when in reality your power is right here in this moment. Stop dreaming about it and do it. You are the only thing holding you back. Your forward motion is being thwarted by your lack of focus and priority on yourself. Stop furthering the dreams of others, and making their life easier, pave the way for your success and invest the effort in your own growth. Begin now. ♥

“I realize that learning is a constant process, and I’m thankful for the lessons I learn every day. ”

I have a goal in my life and that is to live the rest of it being fully myself, without regret or holding back who I truly am. My hope is that by being fully myself, and sitting in my power, I will inspire others to do the same.

I have only been partially open about my spiritual journey for the last few years. I have shared my energy work, my personal coaching, my writings, and to some, my interest in all things seen & unseen (paranormal/metaphysical). But I haven’t taken off the last mask. I have been afraid to be vulnerable, but the time has come to rip off the band aid and own my true self.

I have devoted the last ten years of my life learning to be the best and most authentic version of myself. I am, and always will be, a work-in-progress. It doesn’t matter how much work on ourselves we do, there will always be more, and for me that is a relief. To me that means there is no end goal, no way to get it right (or wrong) and no finish line; there is only a continual wish to do my best and be my best. This notion allows me to give myself grace when I digress, fail, or hit a rough patch, and it gives me courage to keep learning my lessons.

On my website I “label” myself as a light worker*. I believe we all are made up of darkness, and light. The light is our God spark, our natural and pure goodness, and we have the power to choose to grow our light, or to live in the dark. I have accepted and confronted my own darkness, and will continue to intentionally grow my light. Does that mean I am beyond reproach, or always do the right thing? Heavens no, remember we are all a work in progress. I will do my absolute best to radiate my light within, by walking my talk, meaning what I say, and leading by example. I will give the world the best I have.

Over the last few years I have shared my belief that our true power lies within all of us. Our spark/connection to the divine (whatever higher power you believe in) is within us and ready to be accessed at all times. This means we have all the answers inside us, yet we aren’t always able to find them. Often we look outside of ourselves when we are feeling stuck, or at a crossroads, instead of clearing a path to hear our inner voice. This is where I feel my true talent is: truth telling to help people get unstuck.

Everyone is on their own unique journey and their own individual path. We aren’t meant to be alike, or to fit in, we are meant to be unique and to stand out. We are meant to shine. And the only way to do that is to be fully ourselves. My inward journey has led me from the controlling perfectionistic, judgmental person I was, to the person I was always meant to be. Having traversed a healing path, much through trial and error and mostly by myself, I now feel compelled to share what I have learned. I am still working out the specifics of how I will share it, a book or two maybe?

To remove my final mask, I need to share this:

My mission. My purpose is to guide people forward to their truest selves and to help people uncover what is keeping them stuck. In other words I help others learn to live in the light. I do this in several ways; physically teaching yoga and Groove dance, emotionally and energetically through my reiki sessions, and via spiritual readings using my mediumship to channel messages from your guides or others for your highest good.

Every day I keep my vibration as high as I can, filling myself with love and appreciation, radiating my unique light and making myself a vessel to channel the highest good for all. Yes I am psychic, we all are. Yes I am a medium and can channel spirit guides, so can you. Yes I believe in “life” after death, I know there is so much more our soul experiences after we cross over to the other side. And yes, I believe in a higher power, source, God, and it is 100% okay that it is not the same thing you believe. We are all unique remember, therefore our journey, our beliefs and our missions should also be unique.

I plan to take my abilities in this go round of life as far as I can. I will shine my light proudly and SO brightly it will help others out of their darkness. ♥

*https://www.happiness.com/magazine/inspiration-spirituality/what-is-a-lightworker-and-what-do-they-do-exactly/

Embracing Her Magic by Terri Spaulding

At rock bottom she cracked wide open.

She emerged all wide eyed and unsure, but this time with fresh eyes.

Now a mature woman, she was ready to stop pretending to be someone she was not.

Her first steps were wobbly and tentative until she regained her inner balance.

Never before feeling comfortable as a leader, she had always been afraid to explore roads less traveled.

Weary now of blindly following the pack, she knew she was ready to set off in her own direction.

Before, she had always been afraid of making wrong turns, but they happened anyway.

This time she followed her instincts.

She felt her way to the next step.

While it was so much slower going than it used to be, it was much more satisfying.

The voice in her head quieted as she inched her way forward, appreciating the beauty she had never before noticed.

No longer critical and judgmental, the voice began to offer her praise and support.

She was empowered with confidence as she began to understand her way was the right way, and better yet, believed herself worthy of all she had ever dreamed of.

Her dream was simple.

To live with ease and joy.

To love and be loved.

To appreciate and be appreciated.

She wished to shine her brightest light without fear or regret.

She wished for understanding without criticism or judgment.

She wished for courage to live her truth and for her journey to inspire others to crack wide open and do the same.

As everything began to click into place,

the person she had always been born to be, emerged from her self-imposed shell, and revealed herself to the world.

It was magical. She was magical.

And her life of ease: filled with freedom, abundance and inner peace finally began. ♥

Of course I really don’t know the secret of life, but I have learned the hard way we make life more difficult than it has to be. To me, the answers you seek come when you stop trying to be something or someone you are not, when you quit wishing or thinking you need to be different than you already are. Accepting who you are, just as you are, is the key to greater happiness.

I wish my formative years in school had taught me more about how to figure out who I was at my core, or showed me how to embrace and utilize the talents that made me unique, instead of instilling a feeling of lack in me because of my differences. For years I tried so hard to be like everyone else, only to find I didn’t even like the person I became. I wanted in that moment of realization to go back to the days of my youth, before I convinced myself I was not enough, to sit under my favorite tree and breathe, daydream, and just be happy in my own skin. It was in those early years and those quiet moments I recall not “trying” at anything, and in those times of just “being”, I was happy and I was enough.

After I started on my ridiculous quest to be “perfect”, the noisy voice in my head constantly told me I needed to do better. I was always striving, achieving, comparing, and judging myself against everyone I met. I kept myself busy “doing”, so the mean voice would have nothing to complain about. It didn’t stop her, and it became overwhelmingly exhausting to stay ahead of the inner reproach I heard. When I came across a person with great natural talent, I did not celebrate their talent with them as I should have, I worried that I did not possess the same. I judged myself and deemed myself lacking in every area. It went on so long I truly believed I had no natural talents at all, and considered myself a failure.

I wish I had been taught at a young age that talent comes in all shapes and sizes, that not everyone needs to like or be smart at math, to remember dates in history, or to know their geography. If I could gather up all the time I wasted trying to shore up my weaknesses and instead had focused it on what I did easily, what might be different for me today? Maybe I would have written that book by now. Why do we not show our little ones that natural talents can be things like inclusivity, empathy, creativity? My sensitivity is a natural talent; I understand that now. Being highly sensitive to your surroundings, to energy around you, knowing what people mean even if they aren’t speaking the words out loud, seeing the big picture, making connections quickly, having the ability to adjust things to make others feel comfortable, those are not things everyone is born able to do. I wish I would have accepted these as my natural talents a long time ago.

Certain talents are more outwardly recognized and appreciated, especially in work situations. But all talents deserve to be applauded and utilized. In my opinion a baker who creates unique creations without a recipe is just as talented as a robotics engineer. We all have our own innate abilities, and those are what make us unique beings. I believe everyone is their happiest when they are working from their strengths.

I guess what I am really saying is, the secret to happiness is within all of us. We all need to uncover, discover and utilize our own natural talents. The talents that lie deep within us need to be shared in order for us to shine. Life is not supposed to be lived continually swimming upstream, rather it should be doing what we do best, and flowing through life with happiness and ease.

I hope in leading by example I can illuminate this lesson to others; the power is within you. Are you ready to unlock your own secret of life, find your natural talents, and put them to use? The time is NOW.

Dearest Granddaughter:

Be fierce not fearful.

Be loyal to those who’ve earned your loyalty.

Laugh with abandon and love with your whole heart.

Dare to be different, it will give you strength in the years to come.

Make a plan but always be willing to veer off the path to check out a new view.

Stay in your truth and you will never have to live surrounded by shame or guilt.

Respect the opinions of others even if you do not see eye to eye.

Their view matters as much as yours.

No one is ever truly alone, even if it feels like you are.

Ask for help when you feel stuck, lost or broken.

The lowest places will lead to your greatest healing. And growth.

You will survive after coming undone.

On the grayest of days, make your own sunshine.

On the loneliest of days, be your own best friend.

On happy days, share that joy with others.

On sad days let the tears fall softly without regret.

Always shine your brightest, purest light with confidence.

Stay curious little one, and never let anyone tell you to stop asking so many questions.

It is how you will learn the best stuff.

And when you need good advice, always search out the trees.

The trees will never let you down.

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear..

Photo Credit: Jan Bonner

One of my words to live by for 2021 is radiate. It is my wish and my goal, to shine my brightest light as I honor and recognize those who have shined theirs, and inspired me along my journey back to myself.

In the past year, I have seen many people navigate this unfamiliar world with such grace and confidence, like they didn’t miss a beat when their world turned upside down overnight. Some have even said that about me and moving my classes online, which I appreciate, but know it wasn’t always true. Behind the scenes there was, and still is, a bit of stress when things do not go as planned, which let’s face it, is often.

In some ways I think we all wish for our world to return to “normal”, yet I fear it will never return to the way it was, and I am doing my best to feel thankful for that. I am attempting to worry less about the future and instead look back at the resolve and the resilience I showed in 2020, no matter what was thrown at me. What if we view this new world we find ourselves in as a positive, as an opportunity to change what isn’t working for us? What better time are we going to ever have to make the necessary (but hard) changes to break out of our old negative patterns and begin to feel the happiness each of us deserves?

It is a new world, with new possibilities and opportunities.

I believe that “normal” as we knew it won’t return for a long time, if ever, and I think that we have a choice in how we respond to this. It can leave us in a place where we feel “stuck” and waiting for a past that won’t return, or it could leave us embracing a new world with the attitude that flowing with what “is”, is the best thing we can do. Let’s use this new world as an opportunity to take back the reins of our lives and grow!

I recently held a workshop and experienced the reflections of many who embraced the changes and searched within to find the positives that came from their 2020. Either they recognized personal growth, released negatives (people, routines, habits) that were no longer serving them, or simply realized they needed to make some changes to attract more joy into their lives. I believe we all have a right to be happy, to thrive and be loved, to be appreciated for who we are without conditions, and to make a difference in our corner of the world. When we find life isn’t working for us, and recognize that we aren’t happy or thriving, and are swimming upstream to the point of exhaustion; we have a choice. We can stay with what isn’t working, stay “stuck” in the negative patterns, or we can surrender to what is and let our lives unfold with intention and awareness. I believe we need to give ourselves permission to make things right for ourselves, by feeling our way through the doors of opportunity we face, no matter how scary.

We have the knowledge and power within to do what is right for us.

It takes practice to learn what things are right for us. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade figuring out what fuels my soul, what I need to change to find the “happy for no reason” feeling inside, and how to remain calm on both the inside and the outside. The journey has been up and down, the changes have been huge, and the result was so worth the effort. I consider myself happy from the inside out now, and as a result when I did my end of the year check in, I found I was so on track I need to keep doing more of the same in 2021. That was a relief, as for many years it has been all about recognizing and implementing changes I needed to make in order to grow. Age has something to do with being comfortable in your own skin, but so does time spent letting go of judgment, comparison and expectation. There’s a bit of planning and control I had to ditch along the way, to allow my life to have more creative freedom, expression, spontaneity and play. While there is always a nagging feeling down deep in me that tells me I have “so much to do” and so little time, I keep my actual to do list as short as possible. This allows me to take care of my needs, to take breaks from accomplishing and to just enjoy the present moment and where it takes me. I am so grateful the majority of my personal growth work on letting go of control and perfectionism, was done before 2020 hit, because those adjustments allowed me to thrive in an uncertain time.

During this whole crazy deep dive into me, and then deep dive into 2020’s uncertainty, I have learned some things about myself. I believe if we look closely, we all will recognize 2020 has helped us bring to light our strengths and weaknesses. I now know what I need to be the best me, what I need to say no to, what I want more of, and what practices work to keep me calm and strong. The most important lesson might be, I no longer worry about what it looks like on the outside, or what others think of me. If I live as my best self, with no regrets and no shame, I can shine my brightest. light. This is what the world needs more of, everyone shining brightly.

It is never too late to free yourself from the “shoulds” and figure out who you really are. The collective world needs us all to shine in our own unique way. We don’t have to always agree, but we all do need to work towards being the best version of ourselves, to lead by example, to spread kindness, to remain open to other perspectives, and to live as our truest selves. If I can do it, so can you.

Namaste peeps.

I’m taking some online trainings which require more frequent meditation time. In the quiet moments I am called to write down words and messages, some call this automatic writing. I call it a really cool experience because most of the time I cannot even remember what I write, until I find it later in a journal. This is one of those messages I wrote a while back and now thought it was time to share.

Embrace the light in you for it is your unique footprint. No one will ever be just like you are, and for that you should celebrate. It is your unique combination of light and dark forces that creates your magnificence. Never dim your light to help others shine. It is only in your shining your light to its fullest that others will begin to see. It is your job to simply be yourself, to honor your needs, to lead by example. to share when asked, to step up to lead when needed, and to follow when you can. Do not try to figure out the end game, your responsibility is to live in the moment. Each one. Good or bad, stressful or peace filled. Just be. We hear your cries of despair when the answers are not clear, and we know then, you still have work to do.

Allow your life to unfold as it should, and you will know what is next. Do not leave your spiritual quest to be the best version of yourself, unattended, even in the busiest of times. There is always more work to be done, and more to learn, even and especially amidst the hectic times in life. Remember that everything is happening as it should. All will eventually be revealed to you, and you are not imagining the wonder you experience. You are able to do far more than you have already learned. You are assembling your tribe and setting the foundation for continued growth for all. Do not abandon your mission if things begin to roadblock your path—they are not there to stop you, but to redirect you to the proper path. Trust in the process and believe in yourself. There is no place for fear or doubt in the present moment.

My written thoughts after receiving this message via automatic writing in my meditation/quiet time.

I need the dark so I can remember how much I value the light, the sun, the color and shades in the brilliance of light. Life is meant to be lived in full color. Universe please remind me when I need to hear that I am enough. When I need to remember it is not my job to fix anyone else. Signal me when I let self-doubt put up roadblocks in the way of my dreams. Help me stop my innermost fears in their tracks, especially when it involves worrying what others might think of me. Help me find the strength to dig deep when my store of self-belief is getting low, or needs replenishing. Encourage me to go with the flow of life and stop wasting energy trying to plan it all out. Let me lead with love and the brightest light I can shine.

Universe please continue to remind me when my guilt slips into control, that I deserve happiness. Help me to stay connected to my goodness when when my patience wears thin. Help me to surrender to your perfect timing, even when I have doubts about that timing. Shore me up with courage to believe in the power of me. Remind me that no one can do it for me, and no one can show me my unique path and all I truly need is within me and around me.

I promise in return to continue to shine my light for others to see, even when it is uncomfortable or scary.

If this resonates with you, let me know. I’ll share more if it helps others on their path.

The Long Way Home

I stepped into my footprint

gently gathering up the

parts of me I had lost.

The times I cried,

The times I lied,

The times I tried.

Re-collecting the chunks of of

power I had lost to mean looks,

cruel words, expectations, and

teasing that shamed me to my

roots.

The first few steps were like

stepping through mud.

Each movement requiring great

effort, until I began to remember

what it felt like to be me.

When I didn’t care what others

thought.

When I didn’t feel the need to be

different. When life wasn’t so much

effort, or so darn hard to enjoy.

And my steps got lighter as I

gathered back the best parts of me,

collecting my magic.

One smile, one breath, one dance,

one laugh at a time.

Until the parts were all back

together. The good and the bad.

Glued together with gold and God.

Shedding tears of wonder and awe

as I slowly became whole again.

Emerging better than before,

my cracks filled with glue from

the Creator, made up of the

goodness that lives inside

each of us, in spite of our darkness.

My final footprint was flawed yet

perfectly representing me.

There is no longer fear in being my

full self. For I have learned I am

not too much.

I am enough.

Power restored.

Let life unfold.

Let love bloom.

I am home.

This is a photo from my one of my favorite places on earth, my family’s old cabin. I wrote this meditation thinking about this view and the many hours of peace it brought to me. I hope you find it soothing as well.

Dear Girl in the Front Row:

Stop trying so hard. Really. It’s okay, in fact it is more than okay to do it your way.

You are the only one who cares that you aren’t 100% doing this pose. Most everyone else in class is doing what they are supposed to be doing and concentrating on their own practice, tuning into their own body. No one is looking at you.

I see you forgetting to breathe attempting to hold the pose longer, I saw the look of disgust you gave yourself when you looked toward the mirror just now, and I feel the frustration radiating off you because you are not standing as straight in tree pose as you think you should. Trying harder, pushing yourself is not what yoga is about. Instead listen to your body and choose an easier level. Honor your body’s needs.

You aren’t listening to your back, hips, or shoulders right now, are you? They aren’t just feeling “tight”, they are screaming stop. Help me. End this agony and take me to child’s pose. How do I know? I was you. For a long, long time.

And every now and then, I still try too hard.

For the record, neither “perfect” or “flexy-bendy” are ever going to be words used in describing my practice. And I am mostly okay with that.

But sometimes I get caught up in my old way of perfectionistic thinking, and I push myself a little harder. I suppose I feel like I am slacking if I don’t. And that bothers me to the max because I not only tell my students it is okay to honor their bodies, I really believe it is best for them to do that. It is best for me to do that as well, to feel the pose from the inside, and not worry about what it looks like from the outside.

I became a yoga instructor not because I am flexible, or a yoga geek, or even that I am good at it. I am a yoga instructor because I love to teach. And I especially love to teach something that I completely believe in. I understand what yoga can do for someone who lives in a tight body. I know the power of yoga to change lives. It sure changed mine. I would say that yoga was a big part of what reconnected me to my true self, the one I had lost under the heavy weight of trying to be perfect, to be more than I was. Of trying to be like everyone else.

I know I found the answers I was looking for when I opened up to life as it was, instead of resisting it, or expecting it to be more. I now 100% believe in the power of doing what feels right to you.

When I look around the room and see my students making unique pose choices to honor their bodies, or their present physical, mental or emotional situation, I am so proud. It tells me that they are listening, honoring and feel empowered to do what feels good to them, rather than just following mindlessly along. One of my favorite yoga instructors said the most advanced student in the room was the one doing child’s pose when they needed it.

Don’t try to be like anyone else in class. Just be you. Do what feels good to your unique body. Always.

I am not just spewing some cute yoga jargon when I tell you that honoring your body is the highest form of appreciation for your body, it is to me the heart of what a yoga practice can do for you. What better way to find your power from within, than by taking the time to tune in and pay attention to your awesome body. To breathe fully and deeply and sit in the silence of your innermost thoughts to really hear yourself. I know of no better way to grow and understand yourself than from the inside out.

Honor your uniqueness, and never try to look like someone else in class. Do only what feels right, and challenge yourself for all the right reasons, when you are ready for a challenge, and not because you are striving for some kind of an ideal.

I went to a workshop yesterday. I am usually the one who leads them. Whenever I participate in one I remind myself that I am not in charge. In fact, my friends might even say that I am unusually quiet when I attend one now. That is 100% on purpose. I have been chastised for hijacking someone else’s workshop before.

When I signed up for the workshop, somehow I “knew” the workshop would help me move forward, whether I spoke up at it or not. I knew I needed to go in with an open mind and heart, without any expectations, and it would be exactly what I needed.

I managed to do that. And the experience was very healing for me.

I have cried many tears over the years in my transformation back to the me I once was; ugly tears, easy tears, snotty tears, and quiet tears of release. I didn’t think there were any tears left in me.

Clearly I was wrong. There were more.

It was the question: What were you told when you were little, that wasn’t true? That is the question that got me. Right smack in the solar plexus.

Once someone who loved me very much told me in her own quiet way that I was too much. That I shouldn’t let on to the world all I knew. People wouldn’t understand. People would look at me funny. In essence, I was asked to stop being me, and little me didn’t really understand why. I thought I had done something wrong, when all I really had done was spoken the truth as I had understood it.

From then on I began trying to be “perfect” (d) to make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible. I think I was maybe 4. Being perfect to me meant following the rules, being beyond reproach, making adults happy, and it was the start of me looking outside of myself for validation that I was ok.

When we are little we speak truth because it is all we know. We have yet to figure out there are subtleties to truth, shades of truth. Back then I had no idea people would judge me if I used the talents I had been given without restraint. But once I learned it meant disapproval from the adults I loved, I became afraid of disappointing them and tried even harder to fit in, to be like everyone else. Fearful I knew too much, saw too much, understood too much, my inner voice began to censure me, to judge me, to criticize me, to change me. And it was then I lost my power.

After yesterday’s workshop and the journey Rachel took us on, my power has been restored. From this day forward I am going to unleash my power and utilize all that I was given. I am no longer a “little” now. I am older and wiser , and I understand tact, boundaries, and how to stay quiet when it is appropriate and how to speak my truth when required. I promised my little self I will not stop being “me” for any reason, ever again. She will be able to be her full self. I will speak my truth and I will help others (whether they are little or big) to do the same.

Power restored.

Bring on 2020. I am so ready!

It’s that time of year again. Time to reflect, resolve, release and start anew.

There has been a lot of internal shifting for me in the last couple of months, some tying up of loose ends, some releasing, some acceptance and some internal discomfort. I’ve been forced to go deep within, a lot.

As hard as I try to surrender and let life lead me, to let it show me the next step, I still have the need to “know” where I am headed and why I am headed there. I recognize that the process of really living life is not supposed to be like that.

I am a recovering perfectionist, control freak, and over achiever.

Inside me, I have come to learn, is a free spirited, curious, simple girl aching to come out and play.

If my job is simply to be happy, to live my best life, to lead from a place of light and love and goodness, I make life harder than it needs to be. I recognize how exhausting this constant need to have a plan, to be on a determined path is for me (and probably for everyone around me) but it is very hard for me to not fall back into this lifelong way of thinking. I’ve been looking ahead ever since I can remember.

The free-spirited flower child inside of me dreams of days filled with nothingness (which to her is letting curiosity lead into endless possibility and random distractions). She wants to sit under the trees and daydream or doodle and have nothing on her to do list. She wants to refrain from making plans, so she won’t let anyone down by canceling or failing to live up to her end of the bargain. She is far more introverted than you might think. She wants more play and less schedule. She wants endless summer vacation. She wants more time to simply BE and she is the kind of person who knows that simply being is enough.

There is also another voice inside me. This one wants to make a difference in the world. The teacher in me wishes to share what she has learned in hopes it helps someone else find wholeness and happiness. She dreams of empowering others with her own brand of wisdom + words. This voice wants/needs some accountability, some structure to bring this dream to fruition. Maybe deep down, she even craves a plan.

2019 has me striving for balance between Freedom and Focus. I may not know exactly where this road is taking me, but I can take charge of how I travel it. I choose to travel it with love, patience, health, and a big dose of wonder. And, I want my heart to be filled with daily awe and gratitude as I take action and hold myself accountable.

I'm in my happy place, a week earlier than normal. That should be a great thing, right?

It however, looks more like a snowy winter's morning outside than the spring it should be. Once I might have been bummed, as no walk with my trees is happening today. Instead, I am going with the flow. Change of plans. I've got plenty of things to catch up on inside.

This go with the flow attitude, this new way of thinking is still a little foreign to me. I do not love change. I do not love the unexpected. It upsets my inner rhythm. It makes me feel a little off center. A tiny bit unsafe. I like the feeling of contentment that comes from a routine, a familiarity of sameness I can count on. So when changes, big changes, loom, I get a little freaked. In the past, I would get sad and cry a lot. In my present state of living life without a mapped out plan, I am opting for the glass half-full perspective.

This life change is going to be fun. This empty nest thing will allow me the freedom I crave. More creating time. More time with my love. More fun.

I know change is necessary or you become stagnant (which might be a nice word for stuck). I dislike being stuck more than the uncertainty changes bring, therefore I am practicing what I preach, and trusting the flow of life.

My girls are moving to their own place this week, moving their things and themselves out of our house. The boys have essentially been gone for a while. That means we will be empty nesters. Just the two of us in this big, quiet house. It is, as all life changes are, bittersweet; both exciting & sad.

I am so happy for the girls moving onto their next step of the journey, and also sad for Papi and I who will miss their constant and very alive presence in our home and lives.

The positive benefits of this change I am choosing to embrace are that I will have more actual play time with Nollie. My attention and time won't be shared with house duties, work, dance practice and cooking. I will now have the quiet time needed to get my stuff done and be ready for spontaneous fun with my little love when she comes over to play. I am so thankful for that!

Incredibly the March 31st snow is seriously piling up outside right now, but instead of being sad that a walk to clear my head with my friends the trees isn't happening, I choose to clear my head by writing out my feelings. This is all going to work out the way it is supposed to.

Breathe. Just breathe. I've got this.

P.S. Hello blog, it's nice to be back.

Time goes faster the older I get. I didn't anticipate this as a kid sitting on my warm driveway soaking up the endless summer sun. I wish now I would have made a point of appreciating the freedom I had then, the clarity of thought, the uncomplicated simplicity of my life. But I was a kid, who knew that life would eventually roll along at so fast a pace it would seem there was no way to step off for a mindful moment?

My parents might have tried to tell me. But as a kid, who really listens to their parents?

I spent 2017 enjoying the moments directly in front of me, being 'present' as they say, and time didn't slow down at all. If anything, it seemed to move even faster. As I sit here reflecting on the year gone by, I so want to keep each precious moment of 2017 in my heart, relishing the cuddles from my sweet grand daughter, replaying the sound of her giggles and my husband's laughter as they played together, gazing up at the perfect blue sky of a summer day at the lake. Those little things fuel my soul and make my heart sing. I never want to forget them.

Another thing my parents may have tried to tell me way back when, is that everything changes, nothing ever stays the same.

The calendar turning to 2018 brings a brand spanking new chance to appreciate the moments right in front of me for another year. I know that I cannot recreate the ones I loved so much in 2017, but I have to remind myself there is no reason to think the new ones will be any less great.

I've learned at least one thing in my 55 years; you have to find your own joy. What things currently bring you happiness will change as you do, and as time goes by. Sometimes it means I have to dig deep for a silver lining and other times I have to fight to contain the awesomeness of the moment so I won't miss any second of it.

Life will be different for me this coming year as I can feel the winds of change blowing in. In the past I have tended to resist the unknown, to choose safe + familiar over new adventures, but I know if I do that I will become stagnant (again) and I do not want to waste this beautiful life of mine. So I will do my best to surrender to what will be.

In 2018 I will embrace what is, and graciously attempt to let go of what isn't. I will fill my heart with my own simple joys. I will continue to treasure all the moments with the members of my sweet family-- the little grand babies and nieces, my all grown up children and their significant others, the wise old ones (my parents), the one who is always my rock (my husband), and even with the ones that try my patience but give me the best of hugs. I will literally and figuratively "draw" out my own unique artistic talent by pushing past the self-critical voice I hear and find pride + promise in my work. And, I will allow my failures to be my lessons and my successes to be sweet reminders of my growth. I will shine in 2018. And if I am lucky, as I appreciate each wonderful moment, I will be able  to slow down time so I can enjoy life even more! .

Love + Blessings to you in the new year.

Namaste.

I spent too much of my life at a job in a place that never wanted me, didn't appreciate me, who resented me even. Why did I stay so long in an environment that brought me down?

Looking back I should have left so many years earlier. I allowed the unhealthy workplace to eat away at my self-esteem, to make me question my worth, to make me feel as if I wasn't enough.

I should have walked out the first week, the first time I was demeaned by a coworker who thought they should be my boss. The first time I was pushed to tears. I don't do well with meanness, I never have, and I should have known if it happened to me on the first week of the job, it wasn't going to be an isolated event.

It continued to happen in little ways, and in big ways for 12 years. And I am sad to say, I let it. I should have walked away, dared to do something different, but I kept trying to fit in, to make it work, to fix it. It was a great place "on paper", and the job was something I could do and do well, and I loved the flexibility in my schedule. But it wasn't worth what I lost there. Underneath the pretend, I knew I wasn't welcomed by all, and trying to please, trying to prove my worth and be seen as valuable to those who would never care, was a huge waste of my precious energy.

Underneath the company's "make sure we look good from the outside" facade, was an inside filled with a good old boys network that I would never fit into. Women were second class citizens who did a lot of the work and who management allowed to be bullied by a small group of unhappy, negative male employees.

A leader, by dismissing his employees complaints or avoiding the awkward conversations to handle the inequities, in essence condones the bad behavior and allows the unfair, inappropriate bullying to continue to happen. Over time this creates an apathetic, unhealthy, unmotivated group of employees, led by the meanest of the mean. Any responsible, conscientious, highly sensitive person cannot survive unscathed working in a company with all that negative energy.

It certainly took a toll on me.

I stayed so long for several reasons; because I was scared to go elsewhere, because the flexibility of the schedule worked so well for me, and maybe deep down I wanted to prove them wrong.  I thought if I tried hard enough, they'd see my value. Therein was my biggest problem. Looking for value and recognition outside of yourself is always a recipe for disaster. No matter how great I tried to be, I was never going to hear what I wanted to hear from the management in that company, and it wore me down trying. I became anegative, critical, angry, overly sensitive shell of myself.

I am much stronger now, after several years away from that toxicity and lots of personal growth work. I was able to gain back my positivity, and my self-worth. Deep down I am still the same person I always was, but I now have confidence from within in my abilities and in myself again. If I were to have started at this place in my present state of mind, I would never have hung on so long. I would more than likely have never signed up to work there in the first place.

If life has you feeling negative, stuck, angry, sad, or numb -- take a look at it from all angles. Creating your ideal life is up to you. What situation in your life is dragging you down or making you feel you have lost your personal power? There is always a way out. Take it. You don't have to justify it to your parents, your siblings, your co-workers, or anyone else -- and don't let the naysayers tell you you can't just do what you love. They are the most stuck and will say things like that to keep you stuck as well. You can do what you love to do, if you dare.

It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else when you make changes to improve your life. If you feel the need to take a demotion, change your job or your career, say goodbye to a relationship that just isn't meant to be, or sell your huge house and live simpler, then give yourself permission to do it right now. The world will not see the full version of you, until you do. 

You have the reigns, you control the speed of your life and you choose where you work, who you stay with, where you live, and how you live. Stop listening to the advice of others who see your life from the outside as a completely different life than the one it feels like you are living inside. Shift that energy, disrupt the status quo and create your ideal life. I learned in the process that I was making life much harder than it had to be, by trying to change a broken system, to fit in where I wasn't meant to.

You deserve to be lifted up, not beaten down by the people surrounding you.  A good person, with good intentions, who has natural talent and deep sensitivity can find work or love or whatever you seek, but only if you trust in your own inner wisdom to lead the way.

Take that leap. Life is so much sweeter on the positive side.

When I Was Me...

Life was full of awe and wonder.

I was free to dream.

I was bold and brave.

Strong and magical.

Creative and kind.

I believed in myself and all my magical powers.

I saw beauty in the world even on the cloudy days.

I spent hours in the shelter of the trees dreaming of worlds only I could see.

I doodled and wrote poems without a care if they were good enough.

I saw possibilities in all people.

I believed I could do anything.

I wasn’t afraid of trying. Or of failing.

And then one day I was.

And so I stopped doing the things that brought me to peace.

I worried what it would look like to others.

I put myself into a safe little bubble to protect against the hurt.

Soon that bubble grew stagnant. Stale. Grey.

I grew farther away from me.

When I sought to bring back the color, the spark, the imagination of life, I mistakenly looked outside of myself for the answers.

I began to emulate others. I attempted to fit in. I tried hard to measure up to my own impossible standards. I looked for others to assign me worth, to show me the way.

Believing they would know the path I needed to take to help me rise to my full potential.

Instead, they rose to theirs. I faltered.

I tried again, another way. Maybe this time I hung on way too long thinking it would all become clear, and ruining whatever it was really supposed to be; a stepping stone, a launch pad, a place to rest.

Until I slowly began to realize the power was within me. Inside of me. Mine to use or to ignore. It had been there all along.

I played with it for a while. Taking a small step here and a bigger one there. I had some success, got a little braver….and failed often. Not seeing that I was moving forward I began to judge myself. And when being judged, I freeze. The what ifs began to take over, until I was stuck again. In a prison of my own making. Too scared to bust out.

Yet there was a tiny quiet voice inside that waited patiently for me to listen.

She kept dreaming, kept believing in me, because she knew I would work my way back.

One dark day I lost my way completely. Too exhausted to continue the uphill battle within myself, I fell to the cold, hard floor. Tears began to fall, and I could no longer hold them in.

After the falling apart came the eye of the storm. Calm. Peace. The quiet space where I began to hear again.

And I heard her say: welcome home.

I'm not writing much at all lately.

In my dreams I am busy, a prolific writer, yet by the light of day I lose the words. In the safety of sleep, I always have ideas, good ones if my sub-conscious is any judge, and then they poof when I wake up and start my day. Oh, I could blog about my random thoughts all the time, but that "big" book idea, the story I am feeling called to tell always seems elusive during the daylight hours.

Isn't it weird how I can sit down with nearly anyone else and suddenly "know" what they should write about? I get their story. Most aren't even interested in writing their story, and yet I can see it so clearly. The story that others would benefit from hearing; whether it be the struggles they overcame, their major win against giant odds, their strength and perseverance when others would have quit, etc. It doesn't have to be a big a huge crazy life experience or trauma to be a story worth telling. Stories come from ordinary people who are living life to the fullest as their truest self. The lesson(s) they have learned are what inspire others, and gently bring others the strength to make changes in their own lives.

If I apply this thought to my book question, I come up with one major theme that encompasses all I have learned so far. Each of us has the power within us to change our life.  I think we are our own roadblock to whatever it is we desire. Sometimes we get stuck simply because we hold ourselves back from all we can be.

My message isn't a new message by any stretch of the imagination. It is, in fact, the underlying message of all of the great spiritual teachers of our generation, or at least what I hear their works saying to me. But the road I took to learn this great lesson, is my own.

I've been on a journey and I don't intend to stop learning, growing, changing, evolving, expanding, understanding, appreciating. As long as I do it in ways that feel right to me, ways that allow me to be myself without compromise, I will succeed.

I had help from great mentors along my journey and from great friends who allowed me to change and grow into me, while still loving me. Change is scary hard. Letting of your old story leaves you feeling vulnerable, naked and afloat. But in my opinion it is also the most freeing you will ever feel. And it sets the stage for you to begin growing into the authentic you.

Getting started is hard. There is no one first step that works for everyone, in fact each person's path to growth is different. But surrounding yourself with open minded, like-hearted people who are serious about their own journeys, helps.

I might be stalled right now, but I am not stuck. Far from it. I am taking it all in, observing, enjoying, being present to as much of my life as I can. To quote a song, I don't want to miss a thing, I did that once upon a time and I am not doing it again. I eventually want to write something that helps move people forward toward their best life and whatever it is they secretly yearn for: to find love, to be happier, to find purpose, to simplify their life, to create a legacy, to live without stress or whatever it is. I believe each of us has our own unique hidden desire(s), things we really wish for but think we are unable to attain because we aren't talented enough, or we don't have the means, or the time, or worse yet because we think we are not worthy of receiving it.

I know in my own life I have created roadblocks for myself. I have stopped my own forward progress. We create a lot of excuses for why we don't move in the direction of our dreams, and that has to stop.

You are so worthy my friend. No matter what your belief, or religion, or your feelings about God, you are worthy of whatever you desire. Whatever higher power you believe in wants you to succeed, wants you to shine, wants you to be your truest most beautiful, uniquest self. And finding that power within is what brings you all that you wish for.