There comes a moment (or three) in the adventure of life we call parenting that sends you to your knees in prayer, that rocks you to your core and makes you question what you thought you knew. I know this, as it has happened to me. And it has also happened to friends and family around me.

The perfect kid is never perfect, nor should they even be set up to be so. It seems likely in our busy, noisy, overwhelming world, our children and grand children will face some kind of negative situation much earlier in their life than we did. Hitting rock bottom and experiencing a dark night of the soul is becoming more a part of growing up than I ever thought it would be. Many of us adults have hit our own rock bottoms, but usually later in life, and to me it feels like today's children are falling sooner. Our youths have so much more information available to them, too much sometimes, to be able to make a clear headed decision about their future.

As a parent, instead of fearing this rock bottom, and doing everything in our power to divert our children from facing it, perhaps we should instead expect it will someday happen and prepare ourselves. We will need to respond with love, not react in fear, when the day comes. Without a clear grasp on who we are authentically, it will be difficult to remain calm, grounded, and settled when it is needed most. Our children are unique and separate souls, not extensions of ourselves. They need to make their own choices (good or bad). We cannot direct their life, keep them safe from everything they face, or smooth the road before them. We have to remember they are their own person and are on their own journey. No one can learn a lesson for someone else.

The world today is wide open with possibilities, and so it seems are our children. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to follow along as we learned to do. I have made many mistakes as a parent. My crippling expectations of myself, my own mean voice, hurt my children as well. How could I expect them to be the best versions of themselves if I wasn’t embracing my true self? If we are to support our children in the way they need, with unconditional love, we must love and accept ourselves first. That means we need to find time to work on ourselves, to heal our own wounds, to embrace our imperfect selves, to forgive our mistakes, and to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter how busy and distracting life is. For many years I was caught up in everything outside of me and I let my connection to my true self go. If your sensitive and intelligent kids are anything like mine, they will know when you aren’t being authentic and “walking your talk”, and that will muddy the waters between you even more.

As our children grow up our job as parents becomes less about keeping them safe and more about helping them find their true and unique selves. The world is ever changing and our belief systems, or what we have been taught by generations before us, will likely not resonate with this younger generation. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to make the same decisions we did. How different would my decisions and my life be if I had had access to the different perspectives and loads of information that is now available at our kids’ fingertips? The course of my life was directed by what was expected of me, not by who I was or what I believed in. Our world isn’t like that anymore and we need to accept that. What helped my family heal was for me to become comfortable in my own skin, to be authentic to who I was at my core, and to start leading by example and walking my talk.

I am not proud of some of my own parenting decisions, but I have mostly forgiven myself for those mistakes. I am very grateful I had the courage to lead myself out of the mess I had become, to show my children that it is not only okay to fail, it is inevitable, and how we respond after that fall is what matters. Learning from our mistakes is part of the journey.

If your grip is too tight, if your days and nights are filled with worry, if your expectations are never met, you might be showing your little ones too much of the dark side of you. There is still time to transform into the authentic you, to live in your true light, and to be a beacon of hope for them in the darkest times. I believe if you find your true self and reconnect with your own home base, you will lead by example and become the safe haven your kids need most.  

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear..

I have tears of happiness in my eyes today.

I was granted one of my greatest wishes this weekend.

I was able to babysit my sweet grandbaby two evenings in a row. I got to feed him dinner, change his diaper, play balls and cars with him, give him a bath, read him a story, cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. I got to watch his little face express determination, curiosity, silliness, happiness, frustration and deep intelligence. I saw him walk, not crawl across the room for the first time and I was reminded of how busy a little boy can be.

I do not take those things for granted.

If you are reading a post of mine for the first time you may not know that my son gave his son up for adoption. And by the grace of God it is an open adoption and I am able to know my grandson; a gift so incredible it never fails to move me. Or to start the gratitude to his adoptive parents flowing.

This weekend I was able to watch my husband, the love of my life, be a real grandpa--- to make his grand baby laugh, teach him how to bounce a big ball, bathe him and rock his soft little body to sleep. I was able to see three generations of boy put together a racetrack.

I was also gifted the special moment of experiencing my baby reading a bedtime story to his baby and of seeing the sweet look of love on his face as he rocked him to sleep, their two hearts beating as one for a moment in time. I will lock that moment in my heart forever.

What a gift.

What a joy.

What a blessing.

I will treasure the wonderment of having Ford reach his hand back for mine as I stood by his crib, as if to make sure I was still there.

It made me see that love is all that matters.

It made me wish for him to know that anytime he reaches for it, my hand will be there for the taking. And as he tucked it in close to his chest I felt my heart melt with a rush of unconditional love so big it overwhelms me even now.

It inspired this Christmas Wish:

Ford-- I hope you know that I will always be there to take your hand when needed. I will love you from afar and take every chance I can to be present in your life so that you always know how special, wanted and loved you are. Ashley and Travis, I wish you to know how much I appreciate your grace and trust, and to explain that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to fully express the depth of my gratitude to you for allowing us to know your son.What may seem weird to others is nothing short of a miracle to me. You have inspired me to share grace in any way I can throughout all situations in my life. Your kindness brings me to my knees. When others doubt or question your choices in regards to allowing my little family to know Ford, please remind them that adoption goes both ways with healing. As much as you needed Ford, we needed you to provide for him what we could not. And letting go was the greatest way we knew how to show grace. Allowing us to be a small part of Ford’s life has not only been healing; it has been life changing. I wish for them to see us as additional support, and not as a threat. We never wish to compete with or intrude on the wonderful life you all have made for Ford. We only wish to let him and you know that he is surrounded by loved on all sides.

This Christmas miracle has inspired me from this moment on to take every opportunity I am offered to show LOVE, share LOVE, spread LOVE, and receive LOVE.

Because love is all that matters.

And I will keep the sweet scent of my grand baby’s freshly washed hair in my nostrils, the feel of his little hand in mine, and the joyful sound of his happy giggle in my heart as I head intochallenging times.  When I feel lost or scared I will remember the sweetness of his heart beating next to mine as I rocked him to sleep, and I will know that everything will be okay.

Related blogposts:

The View From Here

My Glass is Truly Half Full

The Here and Now

The theme for weeks now has been letting go. And I am doing a pretty decent job of that. So far I have let go of worrying about my grown children --and instead say prayers to keep them surrounded by protective light and positivity. I have let go of doing, and have moved toward just being. I now after years of constant motion, finally allow myself to relax and say "no" when I feel the need. When a to-do list (former accomplishment freak here) begins to take over my head, I breathe deeply and just think of the most immediate thing I need to do, and I start (and sometimes even end) right there.

Perhaps the hardest part of letting go is watching those I care about in various stages of suffering and recognize that unless I am asked, it is not my deal to fix.

My "spidey sense" always sees right down to the heart of most matters, and it always sees possible solutions. I've come to learn that just because I see a possible solution does not mean I need to do anything about it. That part is the most difficult thing to let go of. I hate to see people hurting and I want to help, but I also have learned the hard way --it is not my deal. Everyone has their own lessons to learn, their own journey to take--just as I have mine.

I wonder if some people's ultimate life lesson is to learn to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. To stop trying to do things all by themselves and to be open to considering things from another perspective. I especially wonder this when I see people miss multiple opportunities to learn a lesson, and repeat the same mistakes without much growth or awareness. Sometimes I wish they'd ask for help---and really be ready to hear what I have to say.

Being empathic and recently understanding that I can keep my energy separate from the energy of others around me, has proven invaluable in keeping my peaceful inner center and my focus more properly directed inward.

"This is me (drawing an imaginary circle around myself) and this is you (drawing the same imaginary circle around the other person). This visual helps me keep myself in check. Although I can feel your pain, and read your emotions, the responsibility to do something to alleviate that pain is not mine. Where I once used to take on your pain as my own, I now am able to feel it and discern it isn't mine, and let it go. At least for now. At least until you ask me for help.

Empathy is an interesting thing. So many years I lived and loved clueless that not everyone lived and loved in the same way I did. It all makes so much sense now. And, well, it brings up a lot of questions, too.

It for sure makes me sorry for sticking my nose in where it did not belong. For offering help when I was not  actually asked.

To my kids: I truly did not understand that I experienced the world differently.  I wanted to smooth the bumps in the road that I saw so clearly ahead for you. Silly me, I thought it would save you the suffering. I never meant to take away your power. I did not ever wish to make you feel less than. And I have certainly never stopped believing in you.

My years of barging through barriers are over. I plan to stay centered, yet ready to help when I am asked. I'm here if you need help. Always. Because I have "let go" does not mean that I love you less, it just means I recognize that your struggle is YOUR struggle. Your lesson. And I cannot learn it for you, nor save you the pain of living it.

Just know that I will listen without judgment, and provide an armful of solutions should you wish for them. I am here when you are ready.

It feels really good to finally get it.

For my last question of the week in 2013 I had hoped to come up with something great ---instead I find myself a little unsure of how to end this.

Growth is never completely linear -- and I recognize that not many people made it through 51 questions with me. Either real life got in the way, it was too hard, they lost interest or maybe there didn't seem to be any visible forward progress --- whatever the reason, I know not many people made it all the way to the end. For those who started with me and stuck it out, I thank you. For those who joined in late, I encourage you to go back to the beginning and finish.

I believe I mentioned before how it wasn't always easy for me to post a Question of the Week --and especially to do it on time. In the course of making and keeping this commitment in 2013, I discovered a few things.

1. Asking a question of the week is a lot harder than I thought it would be -- as my husband and kids will happily remind me of any chance they get, I originally thought about asking a question of the day....eeek! I learned that while I am always up for answering questions myself, choosing which question to ask a general audience is hard for me. I prefer the ability to ask questions one on one -- and to tailor the next question to the specific person and their answers.

2. I realize I don't like having a set deadline for my posts--never before was I a procrastinator at anything, yet  I found myself procrastinating on my question of the week often. I also did not like feeling that I couldn't release a post anytime the spirit moved me, who knew that I would be weird about deadlines?

3. I now understand that true growth comes in bursts and spurts, and it is not without set backs, disappointments and failures.  However, once you can look back and see how far you've come, it is worth every bit of effort. (Take note those of you who gave up on the questions -- you can always try again).

4. We all have a unique perspective on what being "brave" means. Some have said that I am brave to write what I write on this blog, as if they'd be too afraid to do it. For me writing about my life and what I have learned isn't brave at all, it is just truth. And since truth inspires me, and writing my truth is a way for me to process my experiences-- I feel it should all be shared; the good and the not-so-good. 

Question of the Week #52 / What is the bravest thing you have done in 2013?

Remember that everyone's idea of brave is as unique as they are, so all answers will be different. I am in awe of the true bravery I saw in others around me this past year. Some examples:

My almost daughter who took off on a true adventure joining AmeriCorps for 9 months, leaving everything and everyone she knew and traveling to 31 states while living out of a duffel bag.

My friend who survived a physical attack from the boyfriend she loved and who had to endure the heartache and guilt of letting him go and ending the unhealthy relationship.

My youngest son who faced many decisions and demons in 2013 and who grew up much faster than I wished for him to.

My friends and loved ones who face illness head on and do it with positivity, grace and unending faith.

My two friends who I have watched wrestle with their own grief and emerge on the other side to be beacons of light for their families who are losing, or have lost a loved one to cancer.

The many teachers I have met in the last year who face huge roadblocks and resistance from the children in their classrooms, yet who return to work day after day in an attempt to lead by example.

The bravest thing that I have done in 2013 is to learn to love myself for who I am, with all my faults and imperfections. I realize that every day I am not going to be the light I wish to be in the world, but if I always strive to be the best version of me I can be, I am doing pretty good. And that is all a person can ask of themselves.

Thank you to those who have traveled this last year with me. I see bright things for your future and mine, and am positive that 2014 will be extraordinary for us all.

Namaste.

We all have times in our lives when the light bulb goes off and feel we have learned a valuable lesson. It seems I have had a lot of those moments in the last year. So many so, I have started my own list. It is interesting (and maybe sad) that many of the "simple" observations below took me almost 50 years to learn. In the hopes that someone else may learn from them, I am sharing.

My Rules for Living in the Light

1. Accept that I will never get "there"

2. Don't be afraid to change directions (often)

3. Small steps often allow for the biggest progress

4. Grow everyday

5. What I am most afraid of I need to move toward

6. Believe in myself always

7. Operate from the positive

8. Remember that life is a journey and meant to be enjoyed

9. Reframe when necessary

10. Open hearts lead to open minds

11. It isn't a weakness to ask for help

12. Worry is a complete waste of time

13. I am the only thing I can really control

14. Never doubt my gut

15. Saying no is freeing

16. Time for myself is necessary, not selfish

Question of the Week #47 / Have You Started Your Own List of Rules To Live By?

Sometimes I learn best through others, so I'd be honored if you shared some things that you have learned in the comments. Perhaps I can even add them to my own list.

I am thankful for each and every reader of this blog.  Happy Thanksgiving.

--Namaste

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.

Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding — Reposted from October 9, 2013

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear.

- See more at: http://www.alanamokma.com/terris-take-what-ive-learned-so-far/#sthash.49eLG5Ag.dpuf