I've been having bad dreams lately. I think my spirit is telling me that I am off kilter.

When you pin your hopes on something and it doesn't go exactly as planned, it is easy to get discouraged and to lose the drive to continue. When this happens to me, and it has, often, you need to evaluate if you are doing what your heart tells you, and more importantly if you are doing it with the right intention. If the answer is wishy-washy or uncertain, then you may be in the wrong situation or trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. If the answer you hear is a resounding 'yes', I am following my heart and 'yes', I believe this is the right thing to do, then you have to give it time and see it through.

I am referring to the space + studio we recently opened. It is scary having a lease and a bill to pay that I didn't ever have before. Even though I prepared myself that break even was okay for me for the summer, I had secretly hoped for more. No great cause for alarm or anything as break even is happening, but there is possibly some roll up your sleeves work ahead to get things going that I need to do. Because I am listening to my heart in this situation, I know I just need to give it time and see it through. It feels so right. But I am not going to pretend that at times I don't get a little anxious and disappointed. And honestly, worried. Gosh why is it so easy to let doubt creep in?

Doubt is a low energy feeling that is not my friend. It tells me I am sliding out of balance. This is when I know I need time with my trees. I need space to breathe. I desire a warm, gentle breeze to come blow the doubt and discouragement out of my brain. Deep within me I know I am doing the right thing this time around. A needed thing. I just need to put on my big girl pants and keep trudging forward.

Doubt is definitely an energy sucker for me.  And letting go and trusting is really challenging for a recovering control freak like me. But I am prepared to do it!

I am so thankful for wonderful supportive friends and family. And for bright patches of hope amidst the little disappointments.

Perhaps the universe is making sure I really understand this lesson in surrender. Life and plans may not always run smoothly and easily, but I plan to hold on fiercely to my dreams and maintain faith, patience a positive attitude.

There, personal pep talk complete. Time to go enjoy the day.

Yes, you. Every time you sign up for an event, or come to a workshop to reconnect with yourself, or try a new pose in my yoga class, you inspire me. And you teach me, too. Yes, really you do. I would not be half the person I am today if it weren't for the lessons you have taught me.

Thank you.

For your courage, your sass, your strength, your curiosity, your creativity, and your super inspiring belief in yourself.

I love that you aren't afraid to change directions mid-plan, to acknowledge you changed your mind, to try new things even if they feel awkward, to shine your light as bright as you can even in the face of criticism from others, to fly your freak flag without worry of what others will think, to make mistakes and still rise up strong after them. Watching you grow, change, and evolve into the best "you", the real you, gives me the strength to keep searching for the real me.

You give me the courage to shine my light as bright as I can and to let go of the need to dim it when others feel threatened by its brilliance. 

I have the luxury of not only following my heart and making a living at it, but I also get to be inspired and motivated by super cool people every time I step on my mat or open the doors to the studio. How can you not be influenced by watching others grow, change and create forward + positive motion?

Some days I am bursting with pride like a mama hen as I watch my chicks grow and evolve into their true and happiest selves. 

Life is truly good.

I was digging through my drafts over the weekend and ran across this post from a couple years back. I had written it after I tried a new yoga class and was less than satisfied with the instructor and the way the class left me feeling afterwards. It has stuck with me over the last couple of years as a lesson learned about what I never want to do. I can only hope no student ever leaves my class feeling as I did. Here is the old post, written in italics:

While I might not say I fully love my body, I will say I am okay with it. By now I know my

body's strengths, its limitations, and of course the "wish list" for what I would improve on it if there was an easy way to edit your body. But overall I'm comfortable with "me".

Why then, after trying a new yoga class, did I feel inadequate, embarrassed, and have the awful feeling that there was something wrong with me. That somehow, I was not right for yoga?

It always made me sad to hear people say they were hesitant to try yoga. Or that they were intimidated by yoga. I always wondered where that fear came from, and now I know.

Last week I tried a new instructor and a class called "beyond" yoga, which was billed as a regular yoga class.

There were only two of us there, which from the get go makes things a bit awkward. In this particular instructor's style of teaching, she did not "do" the practice with us as I do, instead she watched us, like a hawk. Some people may like the individualized attention but for a highly sensitive person like me it was torture to think she was watching my every move. It didn't help that she verbally, and physically, corrected, and corrected, and corrected us. To the point where even I, a yoga instructor, was lost in all the instructions. Gone was the calming, peaceful feeling I get when I tune into my body during yoga. I was a jumble of nerves as the 1.5 hour class dragged along. The instructor spent a lot of time talking about herself and her recent enlightening experience as she sat on a cliff and meditated. Usually someone who appreciates stories, I was finding nothing inspiring about hers.

Apparently what my body looked like in the poses she talked us through did not fit her vision of what it should look like. Her corrections were based on how she thought it should look on me, without ever asking how it felt. This seems wrong to me, because no two bodies are exactly the same. Even if I felt good in a pose using my props, she corrected me to do it differently. Her constant suggestions made me feel increasing worse about my body and super hesitant to move into the next position.

Wanting it just to end about halfway through the practice I could no longer stay silent and wondered why she couldn't she see/sense/feel how frustrated I was getting. I felt compelled to offer up a reason why I wasn't doing what she asked for so I said: "Well, I am a tight-muscled girl." And her response was, "Oh let's not talk in the negative", and then whispered conspiratorially to the other woman in class whom she knew, "we need to teach her to appreciate her body."  Really? I wanted to walk out but stayed the course, finished the class and got out of there fast.

Epilogue: That place is closed now.

Ido appreciate my body. All of it. The things it can do, and the things it cannot do. I think overall I am very in tune with it. Very honest and real about what I do easily and what poses require props and modifications to have me even come close to looking like the poses shown in Yoga Journal. And living in a tight body has helped me understand how alignment is different for each unique body, and made me realize the importance of asking how things feel rather than to make a judgement based on how they look.

After thinking about this experience over time, I'm sad that a fellow yoga instructor made me feel that my body was inadequate for yoga, and then topped that off by making an incorrect assumption about how I felt about my own body. The reality is that I am a tight-muscled girl, I am my father's daughter. I am not very flexible and I am ok with that, and with "me." I work hard to stay as flexible as I can, to open my body up and to work with what I have been given. Perhaps it is just me looking for the silver lining, but I really believe that the tightness of my body gives me great insight into the bodies of my students and how they may feel as we move into poses that require a level of flexibility or strength they don't currently have access to.

No one should have the right to make another person feel that they are not doing it right, that they are not enough, or that they are lacking. No one should be able to take away someone's joy in moving their body or doing yoga in whatever way feels good to them. If you need savasana for the whole hour--as an instructor it delights me to see you take it.

If your yoga instructor currently leaves you feeling bad about yourself or your body and what it is able to do, (especially if the instructor is me), don't go back. But please do find another class or instructor that speaks your language. Yoga should feel good!

Namaste-

Terri

I've been on a cleaning streak this weekend. I am delighting in the feeling of releasing my junk.

In clearing off my desk I realize that I write a lot. Sometimes I run across things worth posting. Here's one I thought was. It is a letter "Nollie" wrote to her Momma at Christmas. A reminder to all women how important it is to be the best "you", you can be for those who love you. Even if that means taking time out just for you without guilt, or daring to risk failure by following your dreams, or letting the house be dirty while you stop everything to giggle & play.

Stay present with your littles, dream big, take chances, love fully. If we keep ourselves "safe" and live in the 'I wish I would have', our littles may someday do the same. Soar baby. Soar. You've got this!

Dear Momma:

My little hands and little heart want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. To me you are the most beautiful person in the world, and I love you unconditionally. You ARE my world. I watch what you do to know how I should be and count on you for guidance as I grow and learn. Until I am bigger and can talk with words, I can only give you my unconditional love and trust in return.

Well, that and my smile –the one I save just for you—the one that I hope you see reaches all the way to my eyes and lights up my face, and my sloppy open mouthed kisses that show you that I want to eat you up because you are so yummy, and my night time cuddles where I get so close to you that I can smell you and feel your hair and your soft face so that I can feel safe and take in all your momma love to fill me up.

I am growing up fast. I am learning new things. I will always need your help to grow into the best me I can be. Even when I do have words and we argue or disagree. I will always need you to be my rudder, to keep me on track. Right now I want you to read to me, play with me, sing to me, dance with me, explain the world to me the way you see it and I also want you to teach me to dream, to write, to draw to create, to imagine and to tell me that I can be and do anything I choose to. Just like I know you can also achieve anything you really want to do or be.

I want you to also know that you never have to be anything more than “you” around me and I will always be proud that you are my momma. Because I will always love you. Unconditionally.

Some days I know that I challenge you, and as I grow I will probably challenge you more—just like some day you will challenge me. That is the way it should be. With unconditional love, we can be truthful and honest and agree to disagree and that is okay as long as we finish those moments with love and hugs. We will not run away from the tough stuff, we will face it together. That way I will know that it is okay if I make mistakes, and that you will still love me and believe in me, and so I can show you that it is okay if you make mistakes, too.

I know you have things in life you want to accomplish and for that I am so proud of you. Someday I too will have big things (bigger than walking or talking) that I want to accomplish also. I know you will be there to help me through, just as I am here to remind you that you are loved beyond measure and that you can get through anything with me at your side.  Some of the things we want to accomplish will be easier for us than others. I want you to know that I will be here to support you (and know that you will be there to support me, too) even if that just means holding my hand as I grow brave. To wipe my face, clean my poopy diapers, brush my hair, paint my toenails, teach me my colors and my numbers, show me how to navigate the world as my own person. Together we can be each other’s strength.

If things get tough for you I hope that you will feel my little hand in yours, giving you my love and support and encouragement for you to keep going. No dream is unachievable, no wish too great for you to receive. Hold hope, faith, and love in your heart like I will, and together we will be unstoppable.

I count on you to care for me and to inspire me every day. You will always be my sunshine. My comfort. My safe haven. My beloved Momma.

Remember to take care of yourself and be the best you you can be to show me the way.

I love you Momma with all my heart and soul. Thank you for being the best and only Momma for me.

Nollie, Dec. 2015

Every time I lead a yoga class I have the opportunity to set an intention. Some days the intention pops in without a thought as if it had just been waiting for me to notice it. On other days, when there are too many thoughts/intentions swirling around in there, I simply ask for the ability to shine my brightest light; it is perhaps considered a 'catch all' intention for me.

That does not mean I take it lightly. If I am to shine my brightest light I need to believe in my own power. To walk my talk, practice what I preach, move out of my safe zone and take chances toward living my dream.

I've had a lot going on in my head the last year. A lot of thinking, a lot of visualizing, a lot of dreaming and imagining, and with the help of two crafty friends, finally ONE BIG LEAP into the exhilarating unknown of renting a space of my own.

I have toyed with the idea of having my own space to work from long before I left my safe job and followed my heart. I didn't really want to open a yoga studio, although I did consider it for a bit, nor a store, I wanted to create a space where people could gather. And where they would want to return to. Again and again, learning new things, meeting new people, organically creating a community of like-minded, like-hearted people poised and ready to grow into the best, happiest version of themselves.

As soon as I would think "I want a space", another thought would immediately follow "but I don't want another place to take care of." I am certain that the universe was as confused as I was.

The more I watched others around me live their dream and create their own spaces of comfort, where they did their best work, I recognized that I needed to take another step forward if I was to learn from them and create a nourishing space to grow myself. While I can see the hard work, the blood, sweat and tears that go into making small, local businesses work, I also see the rewards. I am willing to accept the challenge knowing in the end it will be worth it. "Build it -- they will come", I cannot tell you how many times that intention popped into my head over the last three years.

I have watched with awe + wonder the many friends and acquaintances who have forged their own paths to become independent, small business owners. I admire their bad-assery, their focus and their courage. Whether you are a retail shop owner, an artist, a jewelry designer, an art studio owner, a yoga studio owner, a make up artist, a wedding photographer, a realtor, or an at home day care operator, you inspire me to be a better person as I watch you do your thing.

It occurred to me one Saturday as we crafted around a table, my dream was bigger than me--it really had two parts, and to accomplish it, I needed help. The space would be twofold. A space to do my personal growth/self-discovery workshops, and a space for creativity. If reconnecting with my creativity was such a big boost to my happiness level,  maybe a joint effort with my artistic friends could help get others moving forward toward greater happiness as well.

With a clear intention in my head, phase two of my dream came together quickly. The right space became available, and the dream became reality (and a lease) beginning today.

I am so excited. Now the plan is to fill the small studio with the love, light and growth of the strong, creative, beautifully talented people I continue to meet daily.

Please come Explore + Connect + Create with us. My company is still called Get Off Go (Coaching), and the joint effort between Amanda, Sue Ann and myself is called Soulistic Sisters. Here is our mission statement, our vision and our logo. And a list of our upcoming workshops. We hope you will join us as we begin to live our dream and hopefully, help uncover yours.

Mission Statement: To cultivate a community of spirited women who embrace holistic methods of raising their personal consciousness and who collectively seek ways to lift the vibration of the planet. Soulistic Sisters flourish in the company of other like-hearted, aware and awakened women of all ages and believe in lifelong learning, the power of creativity, and the importance of finding and maintaining inner peace. We relish community, authenticity, and each other's badassery!

Purpose: Our studio is a supportive and fun space to create and learn. We offer a variety of holistic workshops to awaken your spirit, ignite your creativity and connect you with your tribe.

Soulistic Sisters Studio --- Come Explore + Connect + Create with us soon! Here is a list of our March workshops.

Please stop wishing you were more. Or that you could do things better. Or that you were a size 6, had a new car, or a "better" job. If I remember correctly, thinking like that is exhausting and really unhealthy.

Instead, just be where you are...or maybe more importantly, just be happy where you are.

Don't try to be where the girl in the front row at yoga class is. She's half your age and totally fit. Yes, she can do a headstand and has to-die-for-abs and high school cheerleader-like flexibility, but her life is a mess. She's scared, anxious and takes it out on herself by exercising (too much). She longs to feel loved and wants a home and a family like you have.

Or remember that really put together lady at the nail salon?  She may be jetting off to Hawaii in the morning with her rich boyfriend but she hasn't talked to her family in years. She's really lonely and the grudge she's holding is weighing her down like a lead balloon. Each year when the holidays roll around she is surrounded by strangers in a fancy setting, yet she longs for a real Christmas tree and family board games in front of the fireplace in her pj's, like you have.

We have to stop comparing ourselves to others, and to keep in mind that things aren't always how they look on the outside.  Absolutely no one has the perfect life, all the time. There are always going to be hurdles, troubles, and roadblocks to the life we envision. Yet that does not mean we can't enjoy the life we have right now, on our way to our ideal. In fact, one key to living a life of meaning is to embrace where we are at this present moment, to accept, allow and appreciate the life we have, even with all its challenges.

If we keep searching for the lesson in the moment and find something positive in our situation, we can add small nuggets to our internal arsenal that will help us better respond to the next situation that comes our way, good or bad. Since life continues to crank along after our mistakes and mishaps, we need to move with it and not dwell on if onlys or what ifs. 

I know from experience it often feels like we are trudging through thick mud, and barely moving, but we are moving forward, and someday real soon you will wake up and realize you have made it out of the muck and are able to dance in the sun.

If you find yourself wishing your life was as put together and on track as someone else 's, remind yourself that the grass is not always greener. No one has all the answers, or has everything perfectly figured out. We are all equally flawed, and yet we are also all uniquely equipped to love and appreciate the life we are living. We only need to stop judging, comparing and wishing it away. Being brave isn't about being over the top daring, it is about having the courage to take another step when the path ahead isn't clear, or some days isn't even visible. It is about trusting your footing even when the ground in front of you appears rocky. It is about loving what you have but also daring to make your dreams a reality.

You are beautiful, blessed, deserving, worthy, and so very loved. Believe in yourself and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment. Appreciate what you have. Love yourself, your body, your partner, your children, your life. And be brave enough to take a step toward your dream no matter if it feels like it is so far away it only exists in an alternate universe. That is how magic happens.

Be where you are, and be happy there, but never give up on your dream.

Is there a relationship in your life that feels less than perfect right now? One that threatens your inner peace? Consumes too many of your thoughts and leaves you feeling anxious or guilty or generally out of sorts when you think of it?

Maybe it is time to do something to clear the air.

Your well being and peace of mind are valuable allies in creating a balanced happy life. To extend too many thoughts and energies to a situation that doesn't bring you joy, and ultimately makes you feel bad or small, is excess weight you need to get rid of. 

But what is the appropriate course of action? There is no right answer, only suggestions to consider, because the answer is unique to you. The solution has to allow you to move on, to let go, to be okay with the outcome even if it isn't exactly what you hoped for. And it cannot compromise your integrity or your authenticity. While I personally don't believe in lying to make things right, or apologizing for something I don't believe I did wrong, I can and have swept the situation under the rug and simply let it go. But that doesn't always work either.

The ultimate "right" answer is the one that sits well with you.

Here are some possible courses of action:

1. You could be honest with this person, admitting your wrong doing and say you are sorry only for your portion of the conflict. 

2. You could agree to disagree acknowledging it isn't imperative that you two ever agree, just that you are able to accept each others differences and get along for the sake of keeping the peace (in the family, or the workplace, or wherever).

3. You could let go of any expectations this person will change after your attempt to reconcile, because chances are, they will not. Since you are doing this for you and to rid yourself of the lingering feeling of regret at not attempting to clear things up, even if it does not create the outcome you hoped for, you will feel better for having attempted.

4. You could stand in your personal truth and recognize that you don't have to please everyone around you and if you are okay with you, so should everyone else be. Even if you don't see eye to eye, or for that matter even like each other.

5. You could maintain control of your emotions even if the confrontation goes badly or if the other person is not receptive to your wish to make amends. Adding more drama to the situation by losing your cool only effectively hands all control over to the other person.

While no one can tell you what to do, sometimes talking it out with an unbiased person helps to see the situation with more clarity. In any case, holding onto negative feelings for someone only weighs down your mind, body + spirit, not theirs. Take appropriate action in whatever way feels right for you to create change, and to either close that door or open another.

I looked in the mirror today and noticed that my hair is really long, probably too long.

Not too many years ago there would have been a voice in my head telling me I am too old for long hair, insisting I cut it to look more appropriate for a woman of my age. I am so glad my mean voice is 99% silenced. My hair takes all of thirty seconds to put into the side pony I wear everyday. It is so easy, I won't be changing it anytime soon.

Simple, easy, and comfortable should be my three words for the rest of my life.

As I glance down at the clothes I pulled on this morning I realize with a smile that it took less than 15 seconds to grab fresh leggings, a t-shirt and a throw a longer sweater over them both to be dressed and ready for my day. How fantastic. I remember the days of staring into the closet and trying to put together an outfit that made me feel confident.

These days I confidently experience the world in my leggings--not letting that inner voice question if leggings are appropriate for a 50+ year old, or even worrying if my shirt is long enough to cover my butt. I think I am supposed to care more about my appearance, yet I don't. I am so happy with how comfortable I am in my own skin, I don't let much (especially what others think) throw me off.

Being casual about my appearance does not stop me from completely admiring and appreciating a person who looks stylishly pulled together, but in all honesty that person is not me. Even when I try (which is rare these days) I feel like I am playing dress up anyway, and still missing the mark, so why not just be comfortable.

I cannot believe I spent so many years in clothes I hated. Ones that didn't move with me, that bit into my waist or bunched up under my arms and pulled across my shoulders/chest every time I sat up straight. The ones I wore because I thought I was supposed to. It astounds me that I actually wore high heels (by choice).

Now I come home at the end of a day sweaty, worn out and sporting dirty tired feet, but loving the fact that I am so present I can feel every inch of my 53 year old body.

When I was in a job that wasn't right for me I used to arrive home jazzed up, with a head full of swirling negative thoughts, to do lists in every pocket, and my chest constricted in fear that I had forgotten something important or let someone down. I was so out of touch with my body even the constant ache in my belly felt normal.

Being present and aware of my body and breath is exactly the life change I needed to live healthier and happier. Now, after leading yoga all day, I arrive home blissfully wrung out, but at peace with myself. The world no longer passes me by, I am able to see it change in front of me. Buildings don't go up seemingly overnight like they once did. I do my best to be unhurried. I try to do less planning and more enjoying.  My to do list rarely has more than 3 must do's and 7 if I have time's on it.

I've grown into me and into a person I actually like. One who is Present. Aware. Appreciative. Accepting.

Holy crap, I've grown into a person who is actually happy with who she is.

If you could see yourself the way I do...

You would never doubt your beauty. Your strength. Your creativity. Or your talents.

You would never, ever doubt your intrinsic worth.

You bring an incredibly special light to this world just by being authentically you, even on the days you feel less than bright.

So many of us believe that we need to be fixed. That we need to be better. That we need to be something we are not. And we are SO very hard on ourselves. Our mean voice never gives us a break, never allows us to feel the warmth of a compliment, or bask in the glow of a job well done. We are always qualifying, defending, apologizing so someone else doesn't suck the wind out of our sails and criticize us first. We want to be the first to expose our weaknesses, to let the world know that we are aware of what we could have done better, because deep down we are so afraid that we will fall apart if you tell us what we fear most, that we did it wrong, or worse that we failed. 

Some of us do not remember a time when we didn't try so hard.

But there was a time once. A time when we believed we could be anything we wanted to be, when we unapologetically let our talents shine and when we never doubted our purpose, or that we mattered, and mostly when we didn't struggle to be (the elusive) "more".

We need to get back to that time when we were enough just as we were and when the voice in our head loved us, instead of always disapproving of the way we did things.

We must stop comparing ourselves to others, quit striving to be perfect, cease wanting everyone to like us, and begin loving ourselves, not trying to get others to love us. We need to lose the ridiculously high standard we hold ourselves to, so that our light can begin to shine bright again.

Like it once did, when we were innocent and free of the load of shame and guilt we've collected as we've grown.

Don't let your own mean voice dim your brilliant light. Stop thinking of yourself as a being who needs work and improvement, instead view yourself the way the world sees you: as Beautiful. Unique. Special. Full of potential. Perfectly Imperfect.

We often have no problem seeing others for who they are, appreciating their strengths and accepting their weaknesses. See yourself in the same forgiving light, stop comparing, stop measuring, stop judging yourself and simply LOVE yourself for the unique being you are.

You are a warrior.

Strong, solid, courageous, gorgeous and kind. You have talent, grace, beauty and wisdom that no one else has. Use your strengths, shine your brightest light out into the world without worry, without fear, without moderation.  

Do not dim your light for anyone. If someone cannot handle your brilliance, they are not meant to be in your life. If your mean voice is not supportive, shut it down immediately, and search out your inner cheerleader.

She sees your brilliance. She's cheering for you. Can you hear her?

Speak in a kinder, gentler voice to yourself and remember how much you are loved.

Most of us are leaders in one way or another. Some of us don't lead corporations, or troops, or inspire trends in the fashion industry, yet we all have the potential to be influencers of those around us, especially those we love. In fact, we never truly know who is watching, imitating, learning from or listening to us. Our reactions/responses to situations, both good and bad, are often life lessons for others, and hopefully most of them aren't lessons about what not to do.

A few years back I was a chronic worrier and the stress of always thinking ahead to what might happen then trying to prevent it, affected me physically and emotionally. I became someone I was not, a critical, unhappy, burned out mess. My insides constantly felt like they were going to fall out (I carry my stress in my gut), I had trouble sleeping, and all I could do was see the negative of every situation. I allowed my fears, worries and expectations to get the best of my emotions, and the best of me.

One of the biggest catalysts in my life was making a Vision Board in 2011. I went into the process blindly, not knowing what to expect, which turned out to be the best thing for me. For once I didn't over think it, I just trusted the process as it happened. What came out on my board made no immediate sense to me, yet a few years later so much has changed. That Vision Board sparked so many changes and set the wheels in motion for me to make healthier and happier life choices. My career, my outlook on life, my relationships. my level of inner peace, and my health are all so much better now.

I realize the "control" I once clung to was a mirage, a quagmire of crap I concocted to keep myself safe from failing, from getting hurt, and ultimately from succeeding. I have since figured out I have no control over anything except how I respond to the life I have. And, that my happiness level is completely up to me.

I want to be known as a person exactly opposite of who I once became. One who is a joy to be around, who brings a healing and peaceful vibe with her into all situations. One who allows life to happen (without constant resistance), who appreciates all she has and never loses faith in herself or those she loves.  It took a while for me to figure out my personal prescription for wellness, but once I did, I am now able to maintain (and keep) a deep sense of inner peace. I think I have finally grown into a better version of me.

The Vision Board Process worked for me, so I know it can work for you also. If you are interested in making some life changes and trust me to help that process along, here are two upcoming chances to Vision Board with me:

Saturday, January 30 from 9:00 am -12:30 pm at Inspirations of Art Studio (spots are nearly full) $35 early registration| $45 after Jan. 20. Register with me by sending an email to terri@getoffgo.com or calling 616-446-7147.

Saturday, February 13 from 11:00 am- 2:30 pm at Armentality Movement Arts Center. Advance Registration /$45 ***Invite a lady friend that can benefit from this workshop for 1/2 Tuition | After February 6 /$55Register at Armentality.com or call 616-550-8244.

I hope to see your beautiful soul around the table at one of my workshops. It is never too late to grow + change and to live the life you've always dreamed of. You deserve it!
 

It is a sparkly new day. The last day of my mini-break. Maybe the first day I haven't felt sick since my two week hiatus started, thanks to the antibiotics I finally called in for.

In my head I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish as I embraced two weeks of "rest" from teaching classes. In the reality of Christmas and New Year's, the list stayed in my head as necessary sleep and rest, and holiday commitments slowly ate up the time. The good news is I now have a whole new year ahead to "accomplish" that internal list.

I used to get mad at myself for allowing time to get away from me, now I keep my plans loose in hopes that something spontaneous, or nothing at all with come forth. Vowing to live in the present means not following the predetermined path (or to do list) inside my head and it often leads me to places I wasn't intending to go. Sometimes those prove to be the most enjoyable learning experiences and at the end of the day allow me to sigh in appreciation and content.

I have always been a serious homebody--especially in the winter. I could stay snowed in all winter as long as I had family and wine. Playing cards, watching cheesy hallmark movies, crafting, taking naps with my grand baby, making dinner, never leaving the house for an entire weekend = heaven to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I have gone too far in the opposite direction and am too loosely planned, but then I think about the "old" me, the busy me, and I realize I never want to be her again. I don't know if it is a natural progression as I age, or just my new go with the flow philosophy, but I've noticed that too many things on the calendar overwhelm me really fast. It used to be the framework that kept me afloat and many people still expect I am going to return from my hiatus to become that person again.

In my heart, I know I am not.

I sometimes wonder, have I become lazy? Selfish? A bad friend?

Then I realize that just maybe I have finally dialed into the balance that works for me, the one that keeps me at calm and peace and allows me to respond to the unexpected situations in life rather than react like I used to. I am cautious about over committing myself and then not being able to live in the present moment as it unfolds with all its unplanned glory. I really don't like rushing or scrambling anymore. Slow and steady wins the race for me.

Balance. I once read a book that said creative and passionate people don't need balance; balance is bad. Boring. Uninspiring. That passion/talent/creativity exist in the highs and lows, and we should never simply strive for balance.

I thought about that for a long while, I even tested their theory and discovered that balance is where I thrive.

I understand achieving the perfect balance is an individual thing. No one can tell me what my prescription for wellness is, even I find myself reevaluating daily to make sure I walk that delicate line. And on the flip side, I cannot tell anyone else what their recipe for wellness is.

I can tell you without hesitation that you have all the answers you need, deep inside. And the challenge will always be in learning to listen.

As I reflect on my 2015, I am pleased to note that I leave it with a smile and a contented sigh. By other people's standards I certainly did not accomplish a lot, nor did I make everyone I care about happy; but I don't think that was what I needed to be my happiest/best self. I needed a quiet, focused, simple life in 2015 -- and that is what I got. I was inward focused, a serious homebody, and I stayed true to my 3 words for the year: Freedom, Growth & Joy. The result of doing so is that for once I ended a year thoroughly enjoying the journey, even if it had a few unexpected twists and turns.

Here are some of the things I will take away from the past year:

• Family is not defined by blood
• Sometimes the best most unselfish thing you can do is to just send someone love
• Letting go of expectations is a huge key to finding inner peace
• Freedom is waiting on the other side of silencing your mean voice
• Embrace stillness + quiet daily, only then can you hear your inner (true) voice
• You cannot please everyone
• True friends love you for who you are, not what you do for them
• Believe in the power of you, always, you are more powerful than you know
• Love is fuel
• Grand parenting is like a do over of all the good parts of parenting you slept through the first time around
• You are never too old to grow, change and embrace your full potential

I picked my three words to live by in the last few minutes of 2015. I think they found me -- reminding me that I cannot become the butterfly I was meant to be until I leave the safety net of my self-created cocoon. I believe these words will challenge me into a better version of myself in 2016.

Express

My feelings, my ideas, my true self -- not only through writing but in little ways and conversations every day. I want to have the courage to truly be me, without doubt, regret, or explanation and without worrying what others might think.

Embrace

My talents, my strengths, my imperfect self and my beautiful life. I want to allow in success and continue to believe that I am worthy of everything I desire.

Create

It is time for the ideas and visions I have in my head to make their presence known to the world.

I won't promise to write more in the coming year as that feels more like a resolution than a direction, but I think it will happen naturally as a result of me keeping my three words at the forefront of my mind.

In 2016 I do promise to shine the brightest light I can. Even in the darkest moments of real life.

Namaste,

Terri

Nature is uniquely beautiful.

I went for my morning walk with my camera in tow today, not unusual for me, but for most of the summer I left it behind. Today I felt the urge to carry it, and only a short distance into my trek I realized why. Fungi was calling.

Throughout my quiet walk, several people stopped me to chat, one even asking me if I was "the" photographer who posted all the beautiful bird photos on the BSL facebook page. Nope. Not me. That's my friend Judy. I like to take photos of weird things. Last fall it was leaves with droplets of water on them, one fall it was treelined roads, and today it apparently is all about the mushrooms. They had popped up everywhere on my walking path, seemingly overnight, and I was fascinated. Maybe even a tad bit embarrassed.

I think the most beautiful patterns come from nature, in their weird, awesome, ugly way they inspire me. And they also remind me of other things. Today I saw sea creatures, candy corn, brains, sponges, chocolate cookies, and some other unidentifiable things.

I decided to share some of what I encountered. What do you see?

 

And I've realized life is way too short for:

Falling For Guilt Trips By Others

Letting Friends or Family Manipulate You

Second Guessing Yourself

Trying to People Please the World

Holding Grudges

Listening to Mean Voices

Carrying Personal Regrets

Having Unrealistic Expectations of Self & Others

Living in Fear

Postponing Your Joy

Apologizing for a Messy House

Buying Into Perfectionism

Believing in Others More Than Yourself

Sacrificing Awe + Wonder for Responsibility

Thinking You Need to Fix Everything

(Not) Being Your Own Best Cheerleader

Oh I am on a roll, I think this list will continue to grow as I do, in size and scope.

What can you add to the list?

As I listened to the rain falling on the cottage roof last night at 3 am, I recalled a recent conversation with a friend. Actually several different conversations came to mind all at once because that seems to be the way my mind works.

For a moment I felt a tensing in my belly -- the spot I carry my worry -- and then just as gently as the falling rain, I let it go. I realized it was not my worry to carry. No good would come from me taking that on.

Just a few short years ago I would have allowed those conversations and the pain my friends were in to take up residence within my belly, right along with my own list of things I worried about. After laying there in the dark visualizing all the worry filled possibilities to the things on my mind, I would have eventually fallen asleep with my stomach clenched and awoke again with it still clenched, never even realizing I had allowed it to become a part of me. 

Now, through yoga and mindfulness, I have tuned into my body well enough to know when something foreign is attempting to work its way in, or when something out of my control is looking for a place to land. Thankfully I am now able to let go of what is not mine to carry. And once I do, I am at peace within my body again, and my mind is able to concentrate positively on what is right there in front of me.

The sweet sound of the rain on the roof brings me back to this present moment and I send up a grateful prayer for being safe, warm and dry on this night and then waves of appreciation begin to roll in for all that I have, and all that I am. I am thankful for this cottage and its special ability to make the world go away when I arrive here, the snoringly beautiful man beside me who chooses to love me no matter how many curve balls I throw at him, the little angel sleeping in the pack and play in the next room who I am honored to be able to help raise and call granddaughter. The list begins right there and goes on to include health and well wishes for my children who are not currently under this roof but who I pray are just as safe, for my friends who are struggling with their unique issues, for members of my family, etc.

Once I would have "worried" myself totally awake and into a racing state of mind. This time however, I am not worrying, I am at peace. I have learned to turn around/fend off "worry" into positive thoughts.  I send love, light, happiness, strength, clarity, forgiveness, peace -- whatever is needed out in big beautiful waves from my heart. I used to carry so many struggles within me (as if I had the power to do something about them). It got me one big ugly ulcer and a negativity I never want to hold inside again and did nothing helpful for the people I took them from.

Now instead of focusing on the negative, I send a shot of positive to all who need it and let the clench go, knowing this is how I keep the best version of me centered in peace. This is how I show up in their lives as a light, as a calm, positive, loving light. Or on my best days, maybe even as an inspiration.

The rain works its way back into my consciousness and I smile. Happy and content that I am where I am. Safe, loved, thankful and ready for what curve balls life throws at me next.
 

You can do it. Yes, you really should do it. C'mon, what are you waiting for?

Is something holding you back from truly going for what you want out of life; either in your relationship, your career or your dreams? I ask this question seriously...could it be you?

Could YOU be holding yourself back, letting your small self take over and highlight only the possible pitfalls if you move forward in the direction of your dreams, instead of illuminating the possible positives? Whether you are aware of it or not, YOU might be doing a whole lot of self-sabotaging before you even begin to get things rolling in the right direction.

Would it be easier to move forward if someone else told you exactly what you should do?

Oh yeah. At least I think it would be for me. Deep down I know I don't need anyone else's permission to start my own forward motion; yet I seek it. Too often. And I seem to let others stop me in my tracks when their version of what I should do doesn't match up to the one in my heart. I sometimes wonder if I think that their aligning with my vision, their permission/confirmation in a sense, is what I am after when I ask a question or broach a new idea and when they don't my small voice jumps in and says "see, I told you it was a dumb idea".

Maybe secretly we all seek permission from others. Why? In my convoluted way of overthinking, if someone told me exactly what to do it would take away most of the uncertainty, and it would also make it someone else's fault if I tried and failed. Someone else to blame if things go badly. (Did I really just admit that?). Our minds do strange things when we seek to ensure there will be no failure ahead. And, I suppose on a deeper level, getting permission from someone else to 'go for it' makes me feel like I am not alone.

Are you waiting to choose a path that would please everyone around you? Are you waiting for the path to be so clear you have no doubt about the next step, eliminating your need for trust and faith (in yourself). Are you waiting for a sign that the time is "right"?

If so, you will be waiting for (possibly) ever.

YOU are responsible for starting your own forward motion. YOU and you alone need to take the first step. You need to give yourself both permission to thrive, and permission to fail at the same time; as there are no guarantees. Ever.

I am posting/repeating this for my own benefit as much as yours. I am still stuck, still scared to start down a path that isn't clear. I want someone to tell me what to do.  Tell me to write that book (and tell me what to write about as well), or to open a shop/studio or to start an online school, or to just go on and get a real job already. Or I want someone to say you are exactly what I need to do "this", let's do "this" thing together, and I think in my head that would be so much easier because if we fail, we fail as a team, and that won't be as bad as standing there holding the shame/regret/failure bag alone.

As a recovering control freak, I want the path ahead to be clear. I want to see all the way to the end result before I even begin. Silly, I know. And that is why on some deep level I understand everyone who crosses my path who is also secretly seeking permission.

Because I, too, want the same permission to thrive. And, I seek this from outside of me and what I really need is to grant myself the permission from within to move forward. To believe in myself. To take a chance on me. To go for it. 

When people come to me for coaching help, the answer they seek is always within them. The power is always in their own red shoes. My job may be to help them dig in and dig out what is important, to listen, to work them toward feeling better in their body or cleanse their spirit, or to point out roadblocks they need to work through, but"permission" for them to move forward, that is all within.

Permission to thrive. It comes from within. It is in you and it is in me. Let's make a deal: let's do "that" together, grant ourselves permission to move forward in the direction our heart is telling us to go, with no guarantees.  C'mon, we can do it!

I wrote the following post nearly a year ago, and apparently never posted it. It seems relevant to post now as the approaching change of season inspires me to (once again) clear out the clutter that has built up over the last year. (Okay that will be a little harder now that there is a baby in the house, but I will do my best to get rid of the things I have hung onto "for someday"  and never used). How about you?

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Is it time for you to clear out some of your mental or emotional clutter?

I took a large load of stuff we didn't wear (or use) to Goodwill today. It felt really freeing to get it out of my house, out of my way and off of my mind. I need to do it again --with another closet.

This living by example can be tough some days. I always encourage my yoga students to let "things" go with every exhale, to lighten their load mentally and emotionally and make room for fresh air. New thoughts. Different ideas. Positivity.

In addition maybe I should start recommending that people work to simplify their lives. To remove some of the "physical" junk we keep around us. The dead weight. The stuff we keep "in case".

If you are at all like me, you probably have saved something for a future rainy day need only to misplace it in the heap of "stuff" you saved just "in case" and ultimately end up buying another.

When I walked away from the business world I grew up in, I left behind the need to always be buying more stuff. I live so much simpler now. Comfortable clothes, the same flip flops or same boots I wore last year. Maybe I even wear the same pair of yoga pants twice in one week (washed of course). The great thing about my new life is that no one cares --- the yoga community is less judgmental, more open, and super appreciative that I show up --- and not at all worried about what I show up in.

I love my job. When people ask what I do---I have been answering "officially I am a yoga instructor, unofficially I help people feel better in their own bodies and promote peace--inner peace that is."

Hey, peace has to start somewhere. I'd like to help it along and make people feel good about themselves.

Clear the clutter from your life. Breathe a little easier in your own skin. Feel good.

Namaste beautiful soul.

Dear Friend:

How have you been? It has been so long since I have heard your voice or seen your beautiful face.

I miss you. I haven't forgotten you, or given up hope that someday you will respond to my texts or emails, far from it in fact. I have learned that things will happen in their own time; I now have patience.

I don't send you messages so you feel guilty about not communicating, I send them so you know that I am still here, in case you need a friend. In case you think you are not welcomed back with opened arms because of the way you left.

I am hopeful you will come back to me. And if you never do, I will also be grateful for the little time we had.

Although our friendship was brief, it was deep and meaningful. You came to me at a time in my life where I needed people like you.

When I met you I felt I had known you forever, maybe even in another lifetime. I understood you quickly, and quite surprisingly you seemed to understand me right back. I felt free to be  my curious self, to ask possibly unanswerable questions and to wonder at the answers with you. I never felt the need to prove myself, or to fit in. We just clicked.

From that immediate acceptance of all that I was, and was not, the burden of hoping you would like me was lifted. I simply showed up and you loved me. Your unbiased and unconditional love helped me believe in my goodness again, especially after a period where I felt lost and oh so unworthy.

Maybe that was all our friendship was ever supposed to be, you popping in to redirect me back to my path, but I really hope not.

I miss the moments when we unapologetically laughed and cried together. When our thoughts felt synchronized, as if sometimes we did it as one being. I was never worried that you would judge me or laugh at me no matter how much I dreamed out loud, or changed my mind. I never feared that you would ridicule me for what I believed, instead you helped me understand what you believed and that gave me hope that I would figure it all out in my own way someday.

Dear friend, I treasure those times we had.

My mean voice often wants to asks what I did to push you away? But I won't let it. Because the calm, still voice inside knows that very likely it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you.

I am here for you. Waiting in the light as you once waited for me. I cannot understand (or support you through) what you won't share with me, especially not when there is only silence from your end. So the only thing I can do is hold space for you, until you heal. I pray that the time will come when you will emerge from your cocoon, ready to reconnect-- transformed, rejuvenated, peace-filled and free of whatever has weighed heavy on your spirit.

In my waiting time I will smile, filled with the joy of anticipation in thinking of all things that we might do together someday. If it happens, I will be grateful. If it doesn't, I will also be grateful for the brief, yet beautiful time we had together as friends.

Namaste, my dear friend. Namaste.

“Grace. I understood it now. It was being able to give up something that it broke your heart to lose, and be happy about it.”

— Robert McCammon, Author of Boy's Life

I think I understand it now, too.

It has taken me a long time to learn the true meaning of grace.

For last five years or so I been working hard to take back the reigns of my own power. From my ego. She has ruled for so long that her strategies for keeping control were deeply ingrained in me. I lived by her rules; of planning, organization, accomplishment, and to do lists. She kept me unsettled, and very busily focused on the end goal. As I work to let go of her unhealthy practices that had me not fully appreciating the many little and big moments of the life right in front of me, I have been more easily able to recognize moments of true grace in my world.

Grace = doing the right thing.

Being a planned, organized, control freak doesn't prepare you for the unexpected things in life that happen, like learning your baby is having a baby. Especially not when he is only 19 and clearly not emotionally or financially ready to care for a baby, and isn't even in a relationship anymore. And it does not prepare you for being a grand parent for the first time and not being able to officially claim the role you've been anticipating for years.

The thing that gets you through is grace. Doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing you can imagine.

The decision to give my grand baby up for adoption wasn't mine to make, thankfully. And while this situation was one I never thought I would be in, it has shown me how to be thankful for the little things, even if they don't work out the way you once imagined they would. 

I appreciate how very lucky to be even a small part of my grandson's life.

My son showed me the meaning of grace as he wrestled with his decision to either fight to keep his son, or to give him a chance at a life with two loving parents. He understood he wasn't ready to be a father, and wasn't strong enough to navigate a messy co-parenting situation with someone he was no longer even friends with; and yet babies are his thing. He has always had immediate and deep bonds with little ones. I know that making the decision to let go of his own child ate away a part of his heart. As it did mine.

His grace-filled decision to do the right thing was in turn mirrored by the beautiful couple who adopted his child as they agreed to an open adoption. Showing their grace in turn by doing the hard thing and allowing (strangers) to have a presence in their son's life. From the first moment we met them they offered us grace, and while I sometimes have a hard time accepting I am worthy of that kind of grace, I am fully thankful of how awesome it is.

This whole unplanned situation has been a great learning experience for me. It has opened my eyes to the many sides of adoption. I appreciate my grandson's loving parents for their willingness to stand firm in their acceptance of us even in the face of questioning from their family and friends. I realize his other grandparents would rather not share the role with my husband and I, and maybe even secretly wish we'd just fade away. I might feel the same in their shoes.

I understand why their friends and family question their decision to trust us to babysit. It isn't hard to imagine them thinking thoughts about us like "how can you trust them, they clearly didn't do a great job of parenting the first time around." Or, "what is wrong with these people that they wouldn't keep their own grand child?" Because once I might have had similar ones myself.

And I accept that most people may even judge us for giving him up in the first place. At one time I probably would have. Funny thing is, we often think we know what we would do in someone else's shoes, until we find ourselves in them.

I have come to realize, even the best laid plans go haywire sometimes. Every time I think of the family and friends who doubt my grandbaby's parents in letting us get to know him, I want to shout from the rooftops that we don't want to intrude, or to assume someone's rightful role, or to overstep--- we just want our grandson to know that he is/was always loved, always wanted and will forever have all the love in our hearts.

This situation is heartwarming and heartbreaking. Beautiful and Brutiful --in the words of Glennon Melton. Their willingness to include us in his life and in theirs is humbling. It is selfless and scary and overflowing with buckets of grace, and is something I will be forever grateful for.

Picturing my grandson's smiling little face reminds me to take a breath and allow grace to soothe me. To stop being sad for missing the special moments of his life and to rejoice in how lucky I am to even know him. As I continually work to appreciate, I am simply thankful to be a part of his life at all.

Huge gratitude to all the teachers in my life who have shown me through their actions what grace truly is. By their examples I am learning to both accept and offer grace, to myself and to others.  

Namaste.

A manifesto, a poem, an inspiration, who knows? Sharing the words that came to me while walking with the trees.

Her Transformation to Truth

She emerged from hibernation less like a bear and more like a butterfly.

Transformed, she now sparkled with color.

Opening her wings to fly,

Maybe for the first time ever,

She was truly free of all that weighed her down.

She considered the time spent within well worth it.

For the world in front of her was somehow different.

Although things were in the same places, she didn’t view them the same. There was more color, more texture and so many things she had never truly noticed before. Her post-hibernation world was ablaze with wonder.

She saw raw beauty in all places. Found joy in each moment. Let hope fill her every in-breath.  And as she acknowledged this, trust began to grow again in her heart.

She would no longer live a life of pretend to make others feel better. It had never suited her.

And keeping up the pretend only confused her more.

From this moment on she knew she would remain at truth. Always. And if the truth did not please others, she’d speak it boldly anyway, or she would stand strong and silent if she thought it best, as long as doing so did not compromise her soul.

She understood that truth would remain her constant and trusted companion—would serve as her guiding light, and the familiar voices of doubt and indecision would find nothing to argue with if she did.

As she embraced her new world, she wisely realized that truth was the solid ground on which she would begin to grow into the best version of herself.

---Terri Spaulding