It’s that time of year again. Time to reflect, resolve, release and start anew.
There has been a lot of internal shifting for me in the last couple of months, some tying up of loose ends, some releasing, some acceptance and some internal discomfort. I’ve been forced to go deep within, a lot.
As hard as I try to surrender and let life lead me, to let it show me the next step, I still have the need to “know” where I am headed and why I am headed there. I recognize that the process of really living life is not supposed to be like that.
I am a recovering perfectionist, control freak, and over achiever.
Inside me, I have come to learn, is a free spirited, curious, simple girl aching to come out and play.
If my job is simply to be happy, to live my best life, to lead from a place of light and love and goodness, I make life harder than it needs to be. I recognize how exhausting this constant need to have a plan, to be on a determined path is for me (and probably for everyone around me) but it is very hard for me to not fall back into this lifelong way of thinking. I’ve been looking ahead ever since I can remember.
The free-spirited flower child inside of me dreams of days filled with nothingness (which to her is letting curiosity lead into endless possibility and random distractions). She wants to sit under the trees and daydream or doodle and have nothing on her to do list. She wants to refrain from making plans, so she won’t let anyone down by canceling or failing to live up to her end of the bargain. She is far more introverted than you might think. She wants more play and less schedule. She wants endless summer vacation. She wants more time to simply BE and she is the kind of person who knows that simply being is enough.
There is also another voice inside me. This one wants to make a difference in the world. The teacher in me wishes to share what she has learned in hopes it helps someone else find wholeness and happiness. She dreams of empowering others with her own brand of wisdom + words. This voice wants/needs some accountability, some structure to bring this dream to fruition. Maybe deep down, she even craves a plan.
2019 has me striving for balance between Freedom and Focus. I may not know exactly where this road is taking me, but I can take charge of how I travel it. I choose to travel it with love, patience, health, and a big dose of wonder. And, I want my heart to be filled with daily awe and gratitude as I take action and hold myself accountable.