Confessions from a Reformed Control Freak

I guest posted and reflected on my 50th year of transformation at my friend Alana Mokma's blog today. Check it out below!

  Dragonflies symbolize transformation. If one lands on you, plan for change.


Terri’s Take: What I’ve Learned (So Far)

Terri Spaulding —  October 9, 2013                     

Bottom line: I had the power all along, I just didn’t believe in myself.

When Alana asked me to write a blog post about where my journey of self-discovery has led me in the last year, I was happy for the green light to reflect. What would I uncover and consider worthy of sharing with others?

To boil it down to what has changed the most, I’d say I am no longer in denial. Denial of what I really wanted out of life, denial that I was out of alignment, denial that I was in need of loving myself for who I truly am, and denial that I needed to heal myself first before I could help anyone around me.

I made the mistake most people make as they begin their transformation to the person they are meant to be, I began by focusing outward and looking toward an end goal (what do I want to be when I grow up?) as the solution to my problems. What I discovered I really needed most was to be still, to focus inward, and to listen to what my inner voice was telling me.

A problem solver by nature I assumed the “problem” was something I could fix, something I could control. I discovered the “problem” was  actually my thinking that. Somewhere along the course of my 50 years on this earth I gave in to my basic fear that someone would deem me not enough and so I attempted to make sure that never happened. As a result I became an organized, type A, stressed-out control freak who felt compelled to accomplish 24/7.

Months of digging into me, uncovering both the ugly and beautiful parts of myself, is what helped me arrive at my current place of peace and joy. And conversely what encourages me to never stop learning or growing. I have great respect and admiration for those who are farther along in their journey than I am. In learning to accept myself I have faced my fears, purposefully pushed past my comfort zone to open my heart and learned there is no shame in asking for help. I recognize this growing process will be a forever kind of thing for me, and it will never be done.

What do I do differently now?

I enjoy the ride. I appreciate the beautiful things around me. I’ve given up worrying about the final destination or the fastest way to get where I want to go. Lately detours and wrong turns have proven to give me exactly what I needed for clarity toward the next step.

I let my life unfold. I stopped attempting to control everything and everyone around me and have allowed my life to flow naturally. It is so much easier.

I sit in stillness. I learned how to tune into my natural intuition and I now use it to guide me. This alone has helped me move out of my head and into my heart (this is still a daily practice as deep thinking is part of my DNA.)

I think positive. I not only think positively, I believe in its power. I let go of the things that no longer matter. I make time to be still.

I am filled with gratitude. I find meaning and beauty in the serenity of every day moments. I am thankful for this life and look forward to all the lessons I still have to learn.

I believe in me.  And I have come to recognize that I alone have the power to change my life. And so do you.

And in case you need a reminder: you had the power all along my dear.

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